To ask are any of you stay at home wives? (Not SAHMs)

[user1474217141]

This post is for the stay at home wives out there but of course any input is more than welcome.

Hi there mumsnetters,
I have posted a few times and you have all been so lovely, so I am seeking you out for some advice and hand holding I guess.

I am seriously considering quiting my job and not looking for another for a while.
I currently work in a stressful and high pressure environment and get paid beans for doing so. Its target based, non stop and you have to explain yourself if you take one too many pee breaks a day.
I cannot cope.

Nose bleeds, headaches, sickness almost every work day. I dropped my hours to part time and its made no difference. I get panic attacks, blurred vision, shakes and thats the tip of the iceburg.

I am early twenties but have had a lot of stress so I just dont deal with it like a "normal" person.

My background
Cancer twice, only baby was stillborn due to the cancer while pregnant, and I cannot have children.
Its been a lot to contend with and I struggle getting by day to day. I have been diagnosed with more mental health issues than I can count and I am on lots of meds.
I dont have any family, but I am lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I have been with for 7 years.
At this point in time, my health isnt great to be honest.
The only reason I posted this background is so you get an idea of why I am not coping well with life

Now, if I quit my job we would be worse off. We could get by, but holidays would be a big struggle if im honest.
My "plan" would be to calm my shit for a few months (not doing much to be honest, keeping the home and making sure I am eating better while keeping stress down) then when I feel up to it, starting open uni and studying history, which I have always been passionate about. In regards to work, nothing is in that plan in the immediate future if im honest.

My concerns are money, of course. Money is always a concern. But also I want to feel useful while I am home. I want to feel like I am contributing to the world and my home, my relationship.

SO this is what I am asking I guess, How? What do you do? Hobbies? Cooking? Home improvments?
Why did you choose this life? Do you like it? Do you love it?
I just want an insight into what life might be like.

• This post wasnt made for slamming, bitching or welcoming a load of negativity.I totally understand that everyone has a different point of view but I am not asking if you agree or disagree with the lifestyle. I Just have a few questions as I am planning on making abig lifestyle change. *

Thank you to all who took the time to read this x

I'm one. I met DH in my late 20s with a high flying career mapped out in front of me. We married when I was 30 and shortly afterwards I accepted the depression that has dogged me since my teens was an issue and I've barely worked since. Life is a lot smaller and more pedestrian than I had hoped, but that's due to MH issues rather than me not working, and sometimes I feel very guilty about being a burden but DH assures me that he loves whatever life we have as long as we have it together.

Every so often I toy with the idea of going back to work but six years out of the workplace and MH issues have made me pretty much unemployable. Although honestly I'm not well enough to work.

lots of people judge me and sneer at me for not working, or tell me how I need to get a job and that I "sponge" off DH. It's incredibly hurtful but it's not any of their business. Instead of calling myself a housewife these days though I do tend to say I'm professionally ill. That does, to some extent, stop the judging.

I took several months off work sick when I was very ill last year so I guess, by default I was a sahw. I spent time doing everything and anything to feel more 'me' and well again. I visited friends, read books, joined a gym, and kept an online blog of how I felt. It helped me immensely. Work were understanding and kept the job open for if/when I was well again.
Have you been signed off work for stress/illness? Did being away help? I guess it's the only way to know if your job is a fuel on the fire that is stress! Be kind to yourself, I hope things get better for you soon.

Personally I couldn't cope with the lack of financial independence, and that contributes massively to my mental wellbeing. However if you could cope with that then I can understand why you feel it would be of benefit you.

However, ensure you do fill your days - I know several sahw/ sahm who's kids are at school and independent and depression is rife when their days are not filled with something other than day time TV.

Both my children are in school, they are 13 and 10 so I suppose I am more of a SAHW than a SAHM.

I fell into it, I worked after my first child was born but do have a medical condition which at times was crippling. Due to a relocation with DH's much better paid job I left mine but it would have been very easy for me to get another in the same field. However, I took some time out to unpack a house and settle Ds1 and suddenly realised how well I was without juggling childcare and work.

Dh also saw the benefit to me not working for a while, mainly health wise and because we always planned a second child it made sense not to work. That was 11 years ago!

So I didn't choose it, and I had never been so well and pain free. I basically do everything, all paperwork/housework/cleaning/shopping/cooking but I love it. Dh falls over himself showing me how much he appreciates it. I am there to help the children with homework, and because the housework is all done, Dh gets a lot of time with the children too.

It works for us. I am never bored, nor lonely. You won't be alone either (you only have to visit an Ikea in the day to wonder where all these people have come from )and you need time to get better.

Financially, you might want to look into reducing your mortgage by extending the term or where you could cut spending with energy suppliers etc

handslikecowstits www.gov.uk/student-finance/overview

For your first undergrad loan you borrow the amount your course costs and student finance England pay the OU direct so you're not involved.

Since June the government has introduced post graduate loans too, where you can borrow up to £10k to cover course costs plus extras like living costs. The payment details are different in that you have to pay for your course upfront and the loan is paid to you in six instalments over two years.

Payments start a set number of years after your course finishes and is based on percentages of your income over £21k.

HTH

Bold fail

Thank you very much.

Hi OP

I've been somewhere similar when I followed DH abroad for six years when he got the job of his dreams. I left a part-time job I really enjoyed to be able to do that, but felt it was important for us to be together rather than living in two separate homes. He was happy for me either to work or not in the new place but for various reasons finding similar work was difficult.

What I found was that I didn't need to be busy every minute, but I did benefit from having some structure in my week. So one day I studied a new language for a few hours, another day I met friends and took part in an exercise group, another day I did voluntary work in a charity shop, and I also had lots of spare time and read loads which I really enjoyed. I joined a couple of book groups too.

I felt it was only fair, with DH working long hours and me at home a lot more, that I cooked him a really nice meal most nights, so I tried new recipes out and that was enjoyable too. We'd sit and have dinner together when he got home and talk about our day. I also looked after all the day-to-day admin and chores.

I hope this doesn't sound too "surrendered wife"! It didn't feel like that to be honest. He appreciated having me with him in a challenging new situation, I felt pretty unstressed and enjoyed getting to know a new place, and actually it had a positive effect on our relationship.

It sounds like you deserve - and probably need - some time out and I wish you all the best

I was sort of a SAHW before my girls. I was more of a WAHW. I couldn't get a job in the town we moved to because everywhere was closing down. The only job I did get I was unfairly dismissed (long story but possibly.the best thing that happened to me). We couldn't afford me.being out of work so I used the time to find out if I could make.money with my passion while looking after the house. I built my own writing business and now I'm a WAHM and DH is SAHD. He was also able to go to uni before having the girls living on my income alone and its something that isn't that stressful because I love doing it. I just have to stay on top of anything new.

DH was happy with everything and we always talked about it. If there were worries wed discuss them and still do. Now he wants to work on his passions from home and can do because of the decision we made early on.

I'd suggest that discussing this with your DP is essential. It sounds like he's super supportive and will be happy with this but just keep the communication open. Give him the ability to tell you it isn't working if it gets like that.

for everything you've been through.

There will be a lot that you can do to avoid going stir crazy. I think that work is very important in maintaining good mental health, but I don't think that "work" has to be paid, or full or even part time. But having an ordered day is really important. And if you are going to be studying then you won't be doing nothing - you will be a student! Good luck and I hope that your physical and mental health improves - sounds like you deserve a break.

I haven't been a SAHW (well I would have been a SAHM anyway but that's beside the point) BUT I wish I had taken that decision last year.

Chronic illness left me exhausted beyond anything that I had ever imagined but somehow I felt I couldn't stop working.
That meant I did work (part time) but then was completely useless for anything else so in effect DH ended up caring for me (he did absolutely everything in the house on the top of his full time job).
It would have been much better for us (and him!) that I had taken time off, and helped more in the day with the house. Money would have been tighter but certainly wasn't worth what I (we) went through.

Oh, do it. If we could afford it, I would. DP loves his job. I work to pay the rent.

There's more to life than 9-5, and lots of ways to contribute to society that don't involve earning money.

Nit sounds like you needs some time away from work, and if your DP is happy to support you, I think you should go for it.

I know you didn't ask this, so feel free to ignore, but I'd think hard about doing a History degree. Are there any more vocational but related degrees that you could do instead, something with more of a defined career path? Maybe museum studies or archive studies or similar? I think that, if money IS an issue, you'd be better doing something you'll enjoy that might also lead to a related career. I say this as someone with a PhD in History. Unstructured Arts degree courses with a lot of home study can be isolating and not great for people with depression (as I discovered), nor is a History degree from the OU going to open many doors in the workplace. IMO.

I'm a SAHM so it's not quite the same. One thing I would say is that your DH will become one of the few people you talk to daily (unlike having colleagues) which means you may want to chat inanely to him when he's just got in from a day of inane chatter. If you see what I mean. DH found it a real strain at first being my only source of regular adult conversation (yes I do playgroups but they are weekly not daily and often interrupted by the children!). I suspect you'll find similar in that any commitments you do take up will be weekly rather than daily.

Good luck OP and look after yourself

Oh what helped my recovery is what you have been mentioning, the healthy eating (that you never do when you are overstretched by stress etc...), the rest, seeing friends, spending time doing what you really enjoy (and nourishes you emotionally, spiritually, socially etc).

Sounds fab, you will find plenty to do and wonder how you fit work in!! Could you maybe do a non stressful part time job to pay for some holidays??

I've got kids and work - though not for much longer - so not quite your target audience. However your post moved me to say of course you're not BU. You're looking at taking a break to breathe after a series of highly stressful life events. I don't know that I'd have carried on working in a high pressure environment if I'd been through what you have. You're not saying you'll never work again. If your partner supports then do it. You obviously need it. I hope you find a new job, when you're ready, that gives you good life balance.

I gave up work 5 years ago after an injury left me unable to work. I do have some financial independence as I have an ill health pension, not enough to live from but money of my own.

I am lucky in that quite a lot of my friends are either at home or work part time so I can see people through the week. If everyone else you know is busy all the time it could be quite isolated.

I like structure so have a few things which are weekly dates and then am rigorous about making plans and having enough to do plus enough rest time. Having a dog is wonderful though I can't walk him alone. I get out with him plus a friend several times a week in out lovely park. I also swim and do some other exercise.

I sort of keep house though I have help and dh cooks quite a bit but I'm in charge of general admin etc. I also do a fair bit for my elderly PIL. I've also done several free online learning courses with FutureLearn and do lectures at galleries regularly.

So I have a busy and fulfilling life despite a lot of pain issues. It's not for everyone and my main concern for you would be loneliness or feeling surrounded by mum's and babies ( my DC are grown up). But certainly give it a go but I do suggest having some scheduled activities and commitments because being alone too much is depressing. It's taken me a long time and a huge amount of support, friends and professional to get to this point.

I've done it for a year when we moved to a new city. I filled my days doing yoga, walking, reading etc. It was great and what my body and mental health needed after a stressful few years. However I do have a professional qualification which I knew would help me get me back into the workplace when I wanted (or needed to) If you are keen on studying and your OH supports this would you consider going to college or University so you can study and get to meet people etc?

Well OP you clearly have a really shit job. If I were you I wouldn't feel the guilts about not doing it for a few months! Just relax x

I think you need to rest and heal, you have been through a lot. It may be a convalescence from which you then decide to return or it may just be better for you to continue to stay at home. All the best to both of you for the future.

💐 op
I guess I'm a SAHW having stopped working simply because it was that or lose my sanity through stress. I'm somewhat older though (62) and won't claim my State pension for another 4 years.
I had this awful premonition that I'd die before much longer so I quit. I do have a small pension and certainly it's not enough for luxuries but my health has improved immeasurably. I garden, walk, read and enjoy cooking.
I do intend to volunteer and I won't be returning to paid work.
DH is self employed and we have a mortgage so things are tight but for the first time in many years I am not stressed out of my eyeballs.

I'd read, keep the house tidy (whilst listening to talking books) so that when DH came home dinner was ready to serve, all dishes afterwards were ignored so we just spent time together chatting or doing something nice as I could tidy up again in the morning. I was also in a walking group and did volunteering. I explored my local area and made lots of friends.

It sounds like you need a break, regardless of future plans. As in: you need time off immediately.

However, I'll be honest because you've said everyone is welcome to post.

Being financially dependent as a wife isn't ideal, but it's a lot better than being financially dependent as a partner.

Your DP isn't thrilled, but supportive. That's not an ideal place to start.

What if it only gets worse? What if he feels the financial pressure more? Who is going to pay for the course you want to do? Him?

If, down the line, he decides he's had enough of bankrolling you and leaves you, you will be royally fucked.

I just think women should take care to at least attempt to have financial security, or a means of having it.

Legally, your situation would be precarious. And solid as you might think you are, anything could happen.

Oh my darling, you have been through so many life-changing events in such a short period of time - it makes sense that you may need some time to get a grip on who you are now, and to focus on how to create the future you want with the new information you have. You might actually benefit from talking to your GP about how you're feeling and about maybe taking some extended time off. (You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot with your job - you may also be eligible for some payment, and I can't imagine that you're really performing at your best with everything you're feeling.) A couple of weeks can make a big difference to your focus and you may find you're ready to decide what you want to do next. You should probably consider talking to a psychologist and wrapping your nearest and dearest to you right now. If you don't communicate, people won't know how to help you and you will feel isolated.