To ask are any of you stay at home wives? (Not SAHMs)

[user1474217141]

This post is for the stay at home wives out there but of course any input is more than welcome.

Hi there mumsnetters,
I have posted a few times and you have all been so lovely, so I am seeking you out for some advice and hand holding I guess.

I am seriously considering quiting my job and not looking for another for a while.
I currently work in a stressful and high pressure environment and get paid beans for doing so. Its target based, non stop and you have to explain yourself if you take one too many pee breaks a day.
I cannot cope.

Nose bleeds, headaches, sickness almost every work day. I dropped my hours to part time and its made no difference. I get panic attacks, blurred vision, shakes and thats the tip of the iceburg.

I am early twenties but have had a lot of stress so I just dont deal with it like a "normal" person.

My background
Cancer twice, only baby was stillborn due to the cancer while pregnant, and I cannot have children.
Its been a lot to contend with and I struggle getting by day to day. I have been diagnosed with more mental health issues than I can count and I am on lots of meds.
I dont have any family, but I am lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I have been with for 7 years.
At this point in time, my health isnt great to be honest.
The only reason I posted this background is so you get an idea of why I am not coping well with life

Now, if I quit my job we would be worse off. We could get by, but holidays would be a big struggle if im honest.
My "plan" would be to calm my shit for a few months (not doing much to be honest, keeping the home and making sure I am eating better while keeping stress down) then when I feel up to it, starting open uni and studying history, which I have always been passionate about. In regards to work, nothing is in that plan in the immediate future if im honest.

My concerns are money, of course. Money is always a concern. But also I want to feel useful while I am home. I want to feel like I am contributing to the world and my home, my relationship.

SO this is what I am asking I guess, How? What do you do? Hobbies? Cooking? Home improvments?
Why did you choose this life? Do you like it? Do you love it?
I just want an insight into what life might be like.

• This post wasnt made for slamming, bitching or welcoming a load of negativity.I totally understand that everyone has a different point of view but I am not asking if you agree or disagree with the lifestyle. I Just have a few questions as I am planning on making abig lifestyle change. *

Thank you to all who took the time to read this x

I am a SAHW, children in school, I have a disability which means I don't work at the moment, I do fill my days with reading and walks, I also make crafts which I sell on eBay, I only over my costs but it helps to pass the day, hoping you feel better soon.

I had 4 months off in 2014 due to stress and pretty much HAD to leave my job as I was being pushed out (my boss panicked at me mentioning maternity benefits - still unfortunately no kids)

I was living in a nightmare for 6 months, my jobs became extremely stressful, long hours, unrealistic goals, boss was a complete and utter cunit and basically the business was going belly up.

I started having problems august 2013. I went on holiday in sept/oct for 3 weeks and on my return i was suspended, allegations all bull, and I had evidence to prove the bull.... he was gutted. I had 3 weeks off in the november right before my 30th birthday due to stress. It was the worst birthday ever.

He made my life HELL until February. My family basically forced me to quit. They supported me until I went back to work... at another company in the June.

You are worth so much more than a job and a bit of money. Leave, re-group, look after your hubby and then go after something better!! You'll feel so much more positive when you do. Good Luck.

From what the OP says it sounds like she does the kind of job where she could go straight back in at the same level even after a break. Sounds like entry level wages.

Your quality of life and health are much more important than any social expectation for you to be at work. The only things to consider will be pension related and how not paying national insurance affects you. I really don't know any details but have heard rumors that it can affect some entitlements in the future.

As a PP has said volunteering would be a good idea for you as it will look good on your CV and leave less of a gap on there. It would be a good social aspect for you too especially as OU is also a home based occupation.

Money wise, you can probably save better within your home and cooked and eating in a different way. You may need to shop in a different way but will probably find this enjoyable as you will have the time to do it. Holidays will be missed but if you look at your life overall you will probably be more relaxed and you won't be seeking the break that you have been previously as you are not so stressed. Your DP will obviously still need a break from his work and stress so you will need to be aware of this and help him to take a break in other ways. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck OP. You have had a rough break in life but taking time to recover and rest is a positive not a negative. Don't allow others to make the decision for you. Only you and your DP can make this decision together.

One of the few benefits of today's "gig economy" is that a lot of people don't work full-time office jobs and better technology means it's easier to work/study from home.
It sounds like your job is fucking killing you. Other than for the money, why would you continue it?
If you do quit, my suggestions would be that
a) you find some structure to your time, eg by studying or volunteering otherwise the days can all blur into one and you end up marking your time by daytime tv programmes
b) you find some way to brand it that you're comfortable with, as a pp said, people can be so judgemental. If you feel you have to explain yourself to people, eg "well I was so ill at work and I couldn't cope" then you might get dickheads making unhelpful comments, whereas if you say "I'm between contracts right now, so I'm volunteering/working on a novel/overseeing some renovations" it sounds like a more positive choice.

I think it's better to be honest and say something like "I'm taking a career break for health reasons". There is no shame in that whatsoever and it's better to be positive about your choices rather than feeling you have to make excuses for them.

I have had this very discussion with my DH last week. My last three jobs have been change management roles, difficult and very stressful. I have had time off sick due to stress and anxiety in previous job. Having had a really good 18 months I have had a member of staff transferred to my team who is a total goady fucker, upsetting everyone, literally screaming at me and I can feel all that stress coming right back!
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread.

I think that the OU may be a good idea, student finance covers part time study, the OU is really good at helping students with any type of disability and should you wish to return to work then most organisations won't worry about what your degree subject is, just that you have a degree. Students that do best are those that are motivated for themselves and their subject, you don't have to study for career progression, but just because you can.

You would have exactly a year to relax and get yourself sorted before you would be able to start your degree, (sign up in May, start September/early October) so that sounds like perfect timing to me.

What ever you decide to do I don't think one of your options should be to stay where you are.

My DH never takes a chance on anything, is very concerned at the idea of dropping to one salary, so I don't have his support. If you are sure your partner is supportive then go for it and I hope all works out really well for you.

What an overwhelming load of replies. Thank you so so much ladies, its had me in tears, I feel so supported xxx So lots of hugs to you all.
I am still reading through but thought id reply to questions before I forget what they all are:

Me and DP have spoke about this at length and he isnt thrilled, he thought we were "getting our lives back". After talking I think he realises that I cant carry on much longer.
I am on a "capability assesment" at work at the moment, what that means is I get bollocked every time im there. Little things they make a huge deal out of (we are talking 2 or 3 mini meetings per day, every day to pull me up on something) Its fucking ridiculous.
Basically, one more day off (even with doctor note) or small slip up and im out. DH seems to think my anxiety has taken hold and ive exagerated how likely I am to loose my job...

When it comes to DLA or PIP I have applied for PIP as I do hit the criteria and sent in supporting evidence from a therapist, but knowing my luck it will be declined.
DP says I cannot quit my job until I have that income coming in.
From doing a calculator we would most likely get a bit of housing benefit and maybe something else as well, its all a bit confusing. I called CAB and they told me to call my local HARC and make an appointment.
In all honesty,from what Ive gathered, if PIP is accepted I may get around £500 - 600pcm including all other benefits. But im not holding my breath.

In regards to who will pay for uni, Thta would be student loans. I planned on going in my youth but life put a stop to it.

I dont want to be financially dependant, but thats for him, not for me. the way its going I wont have a choice soon either way.
If the roles were reversed I would help him without question. I almost died bringing his daughter into this world, Id do anything for him.
We have been together since we were teenagers, ive known him almost half my life and trust him more than anyone in the world.
I understand the situation is far from ideal, and I understand better than most that life doesnt always go the way we plan. Child abuse, infertility, child death, cancer, chemo... ive had it all & He is the one thing in my life thats real. I know he would never leave me up shit creek and I cant live in my relationship worried he will.

In regards to health proffesionals. A doctor would sign me off at a moments notice, they are pretty good and very concerned that im working half the time, as I am a bloody mess. Ive seen all sorts of mental health doctors and teams. Ive had therapy and need more (which I am sorting out)

If I thought I financially could, i would quit tomorrow and not look back. But DP says I cant until money is sorted.... ive heard of people waiting 6 months or so and still being rejected.
I dont think I can survive that long. I feel like one more week there will do me in.

Its not an exageration either, I cannot take much more. I feel so trapped, I litterally cannot quit yet.

It really doesn't sound as though he wants to support you financially...

As I said it my post you will be able to get SSP (if signed off work) or ESA (if you lose or quit your job due to sickness). These two things are completely separate from DLA/PIP (as a new claimant you would be applying for PIP and not DLA). You wouldn't wait 6 months to get ESA, you would be put on the same rate as JSA while you are assessed, and then the rate would go up if you were assessed as not capable of work.

Anyway, it's good that you have the appointment booked. Ask them to do a benefits check for you and explain how the application process works. Hopefully it will reassure you to know what benefits you could get and when.

My children are adult and I'm not in paid employment so I guess I am a STHW!

After 30 years in a very stressful career I quit 18 months ago as I couldn't do it any more. It was either that or my mental health. My GP signed me off for 3 months to give me a break but at the end of the period I knew I couldn't go back. It took me a full year to recover and it's only over the last few months I've started to plan what I'm going to do next.

You have my sympathy as I have been there - I hope you are able to find a way out.

Take some time out!! You've been through a hell of a lot and it will do you good.

I couldn't do it. The thought of relying on someone else for my financial security is abhorrent to me. However if it works for you and your partner is supportive then that's fine too.

Wait. I've just read that he's not supportive. If that's the YADBU. You need to find a less stressful job before you quit.

I was going to say this isn't in AIBU but then I realised that it actually is.
Nevertheless OP was asking for shared experience from those who've done similar rather than a judgement.
A shame DP isn't more fully supportive but understandable I guess that financial considerations do come into it.
I hope you can keep talking and decide what's right for you.
Does sound like you desperately need a break though OP, at least from this job?

I'm really sorry but I think that your DP either still hasn't realised how bad you are (and you are if you fit the PIP criteria!) or doesn't want to support you again through (what he sees as) another crisis. :(:(

I think you need to set up all the support you need now, as if you were single (not that I think he will want to leave you but as a way to say 'this is the best I can do financially arm iyswim).
The PIP is a great idea as well as any benefit you can access.
Yes in an ideal world, finding a less stressful job is a good idea BUT I am really wondering if this is a good idea for you if even health professionals/GP are worried about you still working.

On the basis that your DP hasn't quite understood the scale of your illness, I would go to see your GP (or MH professional) with him so they can really explain to him what would be their advice to you (not working for a while) so you can recover, physically and emotionally.

Another possibility is that he is worried you will be dependant on him (financially and emotionally) for the rest of your life. This can be a scary idea TBH. Is there any way that you could take a break (6 months, a year?) and then look for another less stressful job? Maybe planning some OU course at the same time etc... I'm wondering if he doesn't think that your idea of not working and then doing a course in history (so not that easy to use in the workplace) means you have given up working altogether.
I know that money has been a huge source of worry for DH when I have been unwell (and still now). Worry associated with being the sole earner, money being tight etc... Which is why I didn't stop working last winter even though I really should have. (And yes it did impede my recovery and created a whole lot of other issues).
In effect, you need to talk some more with him (and maybe look for atop other job, look at agency work, whatever it is that would allow you to leave that job but would allow some income until the PIP has kicked in).

I hope you find a way through all that. It's crap when you are pulled between working even though you are not fit to work and not working when you don't have the support you need incl your DP being lucky warm about the idea (being there, still in there)

I used to stay at home when we relocated for DH's job, prior to having children. I couldn't find any work other than some exam invigilating and occasional proofreading. I suppose I was unemployed but didn't claim JSA (not sure I would have been entitled to it). DH earned enough to support both of us.

At the time I struggled with feeling like I wasn't pulling my weight, and it seemed like no-one else was in the same position, so I felt a bit odd and worried that people would think badly of me for not working. (My mum once said something like "you can't be a kept woman!) However, your circumstances are very different and I think it would make a sense to have some time off for health reasons.

I did the housework and cooked dinner each evening. I also did some voluntary work to give a structure to the week. We were in a rented house at the time so there was less to do in way of gardening and we were not able to have a pet - I would have loved one to keep me company as it felt a bit lonely at times. I am also in awe of people who manage to do something like write a novel on maternity leave, as I had a lot of free time for about a year and didn't manage anything other than half-hearted story attempts.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I was for a short period. When I got bored/knew money was going to be tight I took on some agency work such as receptionist/data entry covering a weeks holiday or sickness. I would only do a week every month/ 2 months.
I found this a stress free time and as I didn't have ties to the company and was just covering I wasn't asked to undertake a heavy workload or meet targets.
During my home time I looked after the home and garden and made some home improvements. We found with no extra work expenses and with time to spare we are better, became healthier and actually saved money!
It also gave me a feeling of being in control of my life as I could pick and choose work. It also made me realise what I wanted from life and I went to uni and now work part time in a job I love!

My "plan" would be to calm my shit for a few months (not doing much to be honest, keeping the home and making sure I am eating better while keeping stress down) then when I feel up to it, starting open uni and studying history, which I have always been passionate about. In regards to work, nothing is in that plan in the immediate future if im honest.

I speak here as a 'stay-at-home' wife in the past.

I stopped working whilst doing an open uni degree (in the humanities too). Apart from the fact that it jeopardised my British citizenship application (because when I did the course and decided to stay at home I surely didn't have a crystal ball to foresee the change of requirements), but it also put me, nearly irreversibly, out of the job market. After 3 years out of the working environment, to find even a zero-hour contract was nearly impossible. Since then, I have found a nice part-time employment, although it is low-skilled job (with a degree and on my way to an MA) and I've ended up in a position ten times worse than the one I was in 4 years earlier.

This situation can also 'burn' any kind of reference you might have if the 'stay-at-home' part lasts more than three years, because many council/NHS/company applications require references that are not older than 3 years.

I am not here arguing you should not rest. Indeed, do take a rest, because that is what you need after all your stress and what happened to you.
But judging from your first post, you are young. I would not aim to be a 'stay-at-home' wife for long, unless you had children or you find an activity of charity or self-employment that takes you out of the house.

To be honest, when I wasn't in full studying mode, it was damn boring to stay at home. After you cook, do gardening, cross-stitch, wash clothes, take care of husband and pets and so on, hours are still very long. I also became anxious and had panic attacks so I even got a heath issue out of it.
I wouldn't even need to work because my husband's work is very well-paid and my wage would not even be necessary (apart from immigration purposes). In a few words, it is not for everybody, in particular when you have worked. Bit different from my mum's situation who was a stay-at-home wife and mum, yet she didn't miss the job she never had.

Sorry just read your new message.

I'd say your health issues need to be addressed, whether your DP agrees or not. Health goes first, so even if you decide to go back to work at a later date, I'd leave a job that makes you feel a wreck.

Years ago I left my job because I was nearly suicidal. My ex DP wasn't agreeing with me (we had a mortgage) but gave my notice anyway. It's that or nothing at all.
In a few words, it is your health that is at stake here and sorry that your DP doesn't get it and only think you are exaggerating your situation.
Best wishes OP

I'm currently a SAHG but not by choice, I'm looking for jobs, honestly I'm bored and not motivated enough to do anything useful and I think it's dragging my mental health down, I do keep the house reasonably tidy and cook but spend most of my time watching TV in my pjs. In your situation you definitely need a break and the job sounds awful. I'd recommend using your time to get organised, and try to do things around the house as well as any hobbies you want to continue or start, if it's going to be long term I'd suggest part time volunteering or s part time job to help with a small amount if income. In your condition id possibly see if you can get get some sort of disability benefits as at least in your current role I'd say you were incapable of work (that's not meant as an insult!)

Thank you ladies.
Me and DP had a long talk last night, I have his full support. I explained the seriousness of my situation at work, even he said looks like I am going to have to leave / loose my job either way.
He said he fully supports me no matter what decision I make, helped me calm down and look at it rationally and said we would get by.

End of the day he thinks if this will make me happier, calmer and less fragile then it would be worth it. I just need to make sure I stay that way at home.

I never once planned on this being forever. In all honesty In a few months I might decide to look for some simple work with less hours (maybe even just weekends) start uni, yes in a degree that its hard to get a job in... but in all honesty I am doing it because it would make me happy.

I had an etsy store that I loved but since being at work havent been able to use as I have no time. It used to do ok too.

There are many things I want to now I have time... Home improvements and a bit of DIY - Never done it, I dont even know how to change a fuse... I can learn!

I am honestly so excited about this, I didnt go into work today (signed off for now) and knowing I may not go back is a huge weight lifted.

Oh that's good news OP :) how exciting :) good luck! I was a SAHW for a time when job hunting etc, loved it and was definitely never bored! Hope it helps you feel better too.

:) :)
I'm very happy to have been proven wrong re your DP not being that supportive.
Good with it OP!
Enjoy the break. You need it.