To ask are any of you stay at home wives? (Not SAHMs)

[user1474217141]

This post is for the stay at home wives out there but of course any input is more than welcome.

Hi there mumsnetters,
I have posted a few times and you have all been so lovely, so I am seeking you out for some advice and hand holding I guess.

I am seriously considering quiting my job and not looking for another for a while.
I currently work in a stressful and high pressure environment and get paid beans for doing so. Its target based, non stop and you have to explain yourself if you take one too many pee breaks a day.
I cannot cope.

Nose bleeds, headaches, sickness almost every work day. I dropped my hours to part time and its made no difference. I get panic attacks, blurred vision, shakes and thats the tip of the iceburg.

I am early twenties but have had a lot of stress so I just dont deal with it like a "normal" person.

My background
Cancer twice, only baby was stillborn due to the cancer while pregnant, and I cannot have children.
Its been a lot to contend with and I struggle getting by day to day. I have been diagnosed with more mental health issues than I can count and I am on lots of meds.
I dont have any family, but I am lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I have been with for 7 years.
At this point in time, my health isnt great to be honest.
The only reason I posted this background is so you get an idea of why I am not coping well with life

Now, if I quit my job we would be worse off. We could get by, but holidays would be a big struggle if im honest.
My "plan" would be to calm my shit for a few months (not doing much to be honest, keeping the home and making sure I am eating better while keeping stress down) then when I feel up to it, starting open uni and studying history, which I have always been passionate about. In regards to work, nothing is in that plan in the immediate future if im honest.

My concerns are money, of course. Money is always a concern. But also I want to feel useful while I am home. I want to feel like I am contributing to the world and my home, my relationship.

SO this is what I am asking I guess, How? What do you do? Hobbies? Cooking? Home improvments?
Why did you choose this life? Do you like it? Do you love it?
I just want an insight into what life might be like.

• This post wasnt made for slamming, bitching or welcoming a load of negativity.I totally understand that everyone has a different point of view but I am not asking if you agree or disagree with the lifestyle. I Just have a few questions as I am planning on making abig lifestyle change. *

Thank you to all who took the time to read this x

If your husband is able and happy to support you both then just do it. It is absolutely no-one's business apart from the two of you.

If you want to sit in front of the telly all day eating chocolate, then you don't have to justify yourself to anybody.

The only caveat, is that if in the future your husband wants to do the same, would you be in a position to reciprocate.

I'm a SAHW due to disability, and that's the only part I struggle with. My husband has no choice but to go to work, and I do feel it's a bit unfair on him.

As well as DLA or PIP you could possibly also claim cont based ESA for mental health if you have been working in the last few years. PIP and cont based ESA are not income dept so would be separate from your husband's income.

Somewhere like the CAB or Mind would help with these, all the best sounds like you've had a really difficult time of it

Disability benefits. Seriously. If you struggle with the basics-eating, dressing, washing, cooking- or you have a history of suicide attempts/self harm then they're for you. You have you've been diagnosed with MH conditions and you take lots of meds. Are you under the care of your local CMHT?

After getting married I was a SAHW for about 5 years before we had kids. I did everything around the house and was in charge of all admin, finances, holidays, etc. DH earned a good salary and I had full access to our money. For awhile I also went back to school and got a 2nd degree in a totally frivolous subject (in the sense that I'm never going to work in that field and it's really just for fun and interest). I was very happy! I learnt stuff like cooking, knitting, sewing, driving, etc.

If you don't to stress over finances the change will be beneficial for your state of mind I would think. If you get bored you can always look for a job again.

My SiL did it. It worked for them. She ran the house, got well, cooked, made things easier for him. He did better at work because she took care of all the home admin, ( deliveries, bills, plumbing problems, proper shopping- whatever).

Later she helped him socially - she was good at helping him with the social side of work. She helped make him who he is.

Some good advice on here. Life is short OP - do it. Get better.

No, but I have quit a job I wasn't coping with, had a month off and started one that suited me a whole lot better. Another option is to see your GP and see if you are unconsidered unwell enough to be signed off for a bit, with a view to moving jobs. Or take a few weeks or months off then look for a less demanding PT role.

You say your partner "will support me, obviously." I don't think it is that obvious. It can be really quite pressuring to be the only earner, especially if you've been made redundant in the past or even been put under threat of redundancy. I think this is v much a family decision - a choice you make together, not one that you make by yourself and your partner supports IYSWIM. Don't take their support and graft for granted. I have SAHM friends whose partners are really frustrated at their not going back into work now that the children are bigger. And if the roles are reversed in future, will you be happy to work FT to support your partner? Because who knows what might happen, years down the line.

How about asking on Gransnet? Single earner families were common in that generation, surely - they might be able to give you some good insights.

If I were thinking of returning to education, one option would be for me to work to save up the cost of my tuition, at least. "Lifestyle learning" can be lovely but it's expensive now. To keep up your self respect, which is v important, I think it sits easier if you pay your own way if possible. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'd second the suggestion to see if you get some type of benefit. And a break sounds like a great plan, please do it ASAP.

I've been a SAHM but had some childcare, I also have health issues but have studied and volunteered which helped with the depression. My youngest has started school now so I could continue to do as I please and there are a lot of reasons why this would be good. However, I want to work or at least try it out and see how it goes. Luckily any money I make is a bonus after any transport and childcare costs. If you can manage on one salary a small part time job later on would still add to your household. The only things to worry about are your financial security, in case the relationship fails, and whether you'd cope without a job.

Oh my god, you poor thing! Do it! Take a bloody break! Don't look back. Life is too short for a soul destroying job. Good luck, hope things sort out for you

I think you would need to 'allow' yourself to enjoy it or potentially you could find yourself feeling just as depressed/stressed/anxious if you are worried about money and what people think. Make a plan to fill your days with a purpose that you are happy with- even if that's taking a walk every day and reading a book.

My dh SAH - our son is getting on for 13 so it's starting to be more of a SAHH kind of role. He has a chronic illness which is never going to go away but it's much better now he's not doing stressful paid work as well.

I have to say though that balancing stress, isolation and a sense of purpose aren't always easy for him. Unfortunately it's never as simple as stopping work, but yes, it has been worth it.

He keeps the Calendar which runs all our lives. He has taken an art course and practises as an artist for a minimum of one hour a day, sometimes all day. He does some housework - not all of it by any means - and quite a bit of the cooking. He does the food shopping online. He does the garden but this varies - these days we have set up the garden so it requires minimum input. He runs some errands but it depends how well he is - I try not to overload him with these. We have often discussed voluntary work and looked into it but at the moment we are cautious because he has come such a long way. The SAHWs and Hs that I know usually have a demanding unpaid work schedule as once you start voluntary work it's easy to get dragged in to more.

I have to say that it makes my life much easier in general that he is at home, though that is partly because it eliminates childcare worries. He saves money to an ISA instead of a pension, though it's nothing like a full workplace pension - but that's something to think about, it's not just lack of salary but also NI contributions.

I personally would allow plenty of time before taking on studying, though it can certainly be great - DH found his course stressful and had a few very bad patches around assessment periods. It might be a good thing to think about therapy.

Holidays are probably the thing we miss least.

Yes I am. I gave up a very well paid stressful career in my early 30's when my anxiety and health problems became too much. We did have children so I was a SAHM in the beginning but the kids stopped needing someone to hold their hands years ago. Our youngest is about to fly the nest so now it's just me and DH at home most of the time.

It has been a struggle financially but we've got used to it. Not many holidays or treats but there was always (and still is) lots of laughter. DH and me are a team and the very best of friends. I feel very lucky that we have been able to share so much time together. We were like ships that pass in the night before I stopped work. Friends and family are mostly supportive but some don't quite understand why/how we make it work. DH's sister has never approved of me not working, I think she thinks I am taking advantage of her little brother. He laughs and tells her we might be poor ... but we are very happy. That seems to shut her up for a while!

We are still relatively young so he still works and I find lots of things to fill my day - I even make a little money now and then. I make cakes, some for us and some I sell. I am also a History buff so we go to antiques fairs and if something takes my eye I buy it and usually manage to sell it on for a profit. I am a dog walker and even had a paper round at one time! I do still get anxious but nowhere near as bad as it was. My health problems won't go away but at least now I am home and when I need to I can recover in my own time. We don't regret our decision and so I say ... what are you waiting for?!!

Your DP sounds lovely and I wish you all the best and hope the future brings you both the happiness you deserve.

I have two friends who are.

DF1 earn ALOT of money in a joint venture with her DH, they sold the company and live a very nice lifestyle. He invests & has s property portfolio, she, well she doesn't DO anything. Personally it would drive me crazy but I've found her to be a rather boring person in the last few years. It's all holidays and spa breaks. Which are great but as a treat, not as a lifestyle. I thought when she stopped working she might do a part time course, or volunteer or take up a new hobby etc but no. No health issues or any other reason not to work, just doesn't. It actually makes her a really boring person, and I feel rather sad for her.

DF2 was made redundant from a very highly paid job after many years at the top. Her & her DH bought a cottage, and she's thrown herself into local community life - local councillor, runs a local charity raffle, always does a stall at the local fete, helps her elderly neighbours with IT, shopping, gardening etc, does a allotment etc. I still love spending time with her as she's got variety she depth to her life.

So if you're going to do it, as an outsider, do it for a reason - it sounds like you have a good one - keep yourself happy but also generally plan to do something.... Even if it's organise the house, or get the garden done or go to Pilates once a week or whatever you feel you can manage.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, OP, and I don't blame you for wanting a break to focus on your health and wellbeing. I'm glad you have a supportive partner.

You could probably get signed off work for health reasons. Have you discussed it with your GP? You could get signed off work, get SSP, and when that runs out you could apply for ESA. It wouldn't be a huge amount of money but it would certainly help, and relieve some of the financial burden on your partner.

One thing I will say (having spent a year unemployed and depressed after being made redundant) is that if you're anything like me, you might benefit from having some structure in your week. Make sure you schedule in things that will make you feel good, including exercise, seeing friends, and maybe doing a course or some volunteering. Make sure you have a good balance between the fun stuff and chores/errands.

You 1000000% deserve a break - take time out , heal and wishing you the very best

Girlguiding is always desperate for leaders and the skills you learn would be something to keep your cv up if you chose to go back to work. I have made tons of new friends and learnt skills i wouldn't at work which will be useful when i go for promotion.

If you're in Hastings we'd bite the hand off a SAHW who wanted to help :D

Plus spending time with the girls is more rewarding than i could ever have imagined. And they dont care about your appearance, your weight, your age, your baggage. They accept you as you are

You need to take care of your health, both mental and physical, you have clearly had an awful shitty time, so take a year out.

It won't break the bank, you won't starve, so do it and enjoy it.

I have had a few breaks in my time. Personally, I think it is a good thing to do every now and again if you can afford it.

I'm doing History with the Open Uni and can't recommend it highly enough. Absolutely love it.

Im a SAHW, mainly by choice having looked after our 3 girls and home educating the eldest. I have 2 grandchildren that I help look after, as well as having a lively spaniel so I walk a lot, and help my parents out etc. I'm also a very avid reader, cook and photographer. It can get a bit lonely sometimes, if I'm really honest but I'm a bit socially lazy and often enjoy my own company. I had a head injury about 7/8 years ago and found even working part time exhausting, I get very overwhelmed and find it hard concentrating. I'm also very intolerant to noise levels, so although I would like to do something part time, it's hard to know what! I am so utterly lucky that my DH is very supportive, as long as I'm happy, he's happy and we don't have lots of money free but get by. I do want to punch people at times when they ask what I do all day when sometimes a free hour would be heaven but my life's a good one and I wouldn't swap it for the world. Life is too short to be unhappy, and you may find that even 6 months peace and quiet will do you the power of good. We don't look after our mental health well enough and my head injury taught me to value every day, life can change in the blink of an eye.

Bit risky to be financially reliant on someone else even if you are married to them. Why don't you look for a less stressful job.

Thanks for posting this user147, it's been a lovely gentle, encouraging read.

I'm sorry to read of all you've been through and absolutely think you should take a break from stressful work and recuperate.

If you don't mind me saying a bit about me and my current situation I'm not working at the moment. I do have two teenagers but they're obviously at school for much of the day. I've just started a course at our local college towards becoming a counsellor which I'm mostly enjoying (early days with that as I've just started the next step last week). I've also recently arranged to work voluntarily a couple of mornings a week with a family charity. The other regular things I do are a weekly lunch with friends at a church cafe, and sometimes a Buddhist meditation class.
Last week I enjoyed reading an excellent book my tutor had recommended. And I spend a fair bit of time on here or on Facebook. I try to get out for the odd walk or swim once in a while, but definitely think a bit of regular exercise is a good plan. I might add a yoga class to that mix if I can find one that fits in.
I think that should be quite a good programme for the coming year, though I admit it would be even better if my voluntary work led to some paid employment (this is a possibility I think)
I also have some health issues to contend with, so that juggling it all feels like a challenge.
All the best to you OP, I hope you begin to feel better soon, once you are able to ease some of your stress

I hugely regret my decision to be a SAHW. It made sense for us as we took on a massive house renovation project, and the house also had land which needed to be maintained. I have never worked so hard in my life doing everything from scrubbing endless mould off walls to chopping down trees (by myself), sawing logs for the various fires (no central heating), and mowing fields. It was exhausting, and lonely.

Giving up my career meant I lost my professional qualification, and when my marriage broke down, the only work I could get was at a salary of less than a third of what I had been earning 8 years earlier.

Think very carefully before giving up your job, as once out it is hard to get back in again at the same level, and you have no idea when you might need to work again.

I'm a sahw - well I do have a DD but she's a student living away from home during term now. I've had health problems for years so I've never worked while I've been married. I get PIP and ESA which helps me feel financially independent (although DH is on a high salary and puts all his income in the pot), it works out the same amount as the wage I used to get anyway. I have a lot of medical/therapy appointments, I do some arts and sports based courses and help out family, visit museums and galleries with friends, I've done some distance learning study, and deal with the admin/housework/cooking. I find that these things keep me busy and valued enough. I'm happy with the situation, the only downside is that a few people can be quite catty about it but I've learned to ignore people like that and not try to justify my choices.