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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think these Facebook photos and maybe the content are inappropriate (possibly triggering)

129 replies

Smartcub · 18/09/2016 00:04

There's a couple I know, acquaintances, and they have their dgds to stay most weekends. 3 girls.

If it's relevant the children are the grandmothers sons children and stay at the grandparents during his access time while he goes out, he's not with their mum. The grandfather is a step grandfather (not the sons real dad). The grandchildren are primary school age and one is a toddler.

The grandmother posts absolutely everything on Facebook and her relationship with ex dil is very bad to non existent. They don't like each other at all.

Recently there's been loads of photos of the 3 girls in the bath. I thought I wouldn't post those especially as a grandparent but none of my business.

More recently though there are photos of the eldest girl in bed asleep with the grandad with him spooning her. He's fully clothed but she's only got her pants on. What's more is the grandmother has over 1000 friends so hardly a private page.

I'm not saying there's anything going on but a few things crossed my mind.

Is it ok for a step grandad to sleep in bed with his primary school age dgd particularly cuddled up to her in just her underwear?

Is it ok to post the photos on Facebook?

I've no doubt it's completely innocent but to me it just oversteps the grandparent relationship, I'm thinking in terms of teaching children boundaries and privacy.

There is also that niggling doubt in the back of my mind, there was some abuse that went on in my own extended family and it does make you suspicious because you know even the nicest, loveliest people can do terrible things.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 18/09/2016 11:33

There's nothing wrong with Grandparents (step or not) cuddling their grandchildren. I don't get all this "report to Social Services" hysteria at all. Not something I would post to FB mind you, for a few reasons, one of which is these reactions.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 18/09/2016 11:37

I completely agree with you op. I would not like my child to be in that position, even if it was her grandfather. I just don't feel it is appropriate. GF DU and older teen /adult DB it's just not appropriate in my eyes. I really don't care if other people did this and were happy with it. It certainly wouldn't be happening in my family.

Original poster
Smartcub · 18/09/2016 11:37

Of course there's nothing wrong with cuddling.

I raised an eyebrow because the little girl was undressed and because he was spooning her (hate that word) but personally it's not a way I'd want my dc to sleep.

I did say I very much doubt there's anything horrible going on.

I think the GM shouldn't be posting photos of them in bed like that there's no need to.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 18/09/2016 11:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I would be very unhappy at my child's photographs being plastered all over the Internet and I would not want my child sharing a bed with an adult.

lazyarse123 · 18/09/2016 11:52

I agree with you op. I think the mother should be made aware. I have photos of my dc in the bath up to about age 4. They are for us not the world of social media. Where is the father in all this, getting his parents to look after his dc during his contact every weekend. Being in bed with gf is probably ok (I wouldn't do it) but the spooning and state of undress at 9yr old is not on. I too am from a family where abuse happened and who knows what may be happening behind the scenes. Sorry if pp think some of us are overreacting but this shit happens.

thecatsarecrazy · 18/09/2016 11:55

My sons real grandad on dh side has passed away and they never had a relationship with him when he was alive. They have always known my mil husband as their grandad. I don't think that's an issue really if he's always been about.

Littleballerina · 18/09/2016 12:01

Would you have been worried if it had been the grandmother asleep with the child rather than the grandfather?

GabsAlot · 18/09/2016 12:04

i think its weird op

i lived with my dgd for a couple of year we never shared a bed nor spooned

pictures on fb can get used anywhere doesnt matter about your settings -fact

i would report them as inappropriate

also 9 is old enoug to get periods so completely wrong

JudyCoolibar · 18/09/2016 12:10

but 9 is still so young

Some 9 year old girls are entering puberty.

Original poster
Smartcub · 18/09/2016 12:13

I would think it was a bit strange for a gm to be sleeping spooning an undressed school aged child but I wouldn't think it was as bad as a gf. I know it's not very PC but I do think there's a difference between men and women. That's why we have separate toilets be changing areas.

My mum has always been quite private with us and with my dc once were were about 4. There was abuse in both my mum and dads family that just went unsaid.

We are are a more open household but I encourage my older one to be dressed in other people's houses. Ido t want to make them paranoid but I'd just say you're getting older now.

OP posts:
Counterpane · 18/09/2016 12:14

The real issue here is whether the children's mother knows that;
a) her ex is not around during these visits
and
b) her ex-MIL is plastering semi-naked photos of her children on Facebook,

If you are uneasy with these images you could show them to a child protection officer and let them decide.

Bumbumtaloo · 18/09/2016 12:18

The picture would bother me, I personally wouldn't put pics of my dc in just their knickers on FB so wouldn't be happy if anyone else did.

Sleeping with the step-grandad in just their knickers, no problem by me. My DM has been with her DH for over 20yrs, he has been in my dd's lives since day 1. I trust him with my life and so I trust him with my dd's. My dd's adore him and both go to him over me or my DM.

Just to add both of my dd's tend to sleep in just knickers, we have our nighttime routine that involves putting nightmare on both of them but somewhere between there and them going to sleep they both strip off Hmm

rainbowstardrops · 18/09/2016 12:20

If I was the children's mother, I'd be absolutely fuming that photos of them naked or barely clothed were being plastered all over social media!!! Those children have a right to privacy ffs!

I'm undecided on the whole gf sleeping in the same bed as her. My neice used to climb in with my mum and dad when she stayed over. Maybe not at that age though Hmm

As a mum, I wouldn't be at all impressed by it all and I'd want to know about it.

Original poster
Smartcub · 18/09/2016 12:21

I accept people are different though. We are nowhere near as private as my parents were.

Despite all I'm saying I very much doubt there's anything in it. The sgf has been with the gm a very long time.

No idea if their mum knows. The gm has posted loads of really personal stuff about her son and ex dils relationship I think the son just puts up with it.

She wasn't allowed to see the gds for a long time but now she seems to have them every weekend. The son drops them off and goes off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartcub · 18/09/2016 12:23

My eldest sleeps in underwear too btw. Won't wear pyjamas so I user stand that totally.

Would I want him to sleep with his gd like that? Probably not personally.

OP posts:
MNHQ
EmmanuelleMumsnet · 18/09/2016 12:29

Hi there, thanks for all your reports about this thread.

We're going to go back and delete personal attacks and troll hunting, which both go against Talk guidelines.

For the record, we've taken a little look behind the scenes and we have no reason at all to believe the OP isn't genuine.

Littleballerina · 18/09/2016 12:36

I think your worry about this says more about you than the grandparents.

seven201 · 18/09/2016 12:37

I don't think it's appropriate, the spooning (whether or not blood or step) or photo sharing.

woowoowoo · 18/09/2016 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GenerallyOffended · 18/09/2016 13:03

just think even if it is all entirely innocent (which it no doubt is)). It's not going to teach the girls boundaries to have them sleeping like this.

I agree totally.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/09/2016 13:15

Grandmother may end up in line for this:

www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/09/16/18-year-old-sues-parents-posting-baby-pictures-facebook/90479402/

I feel the GM has violated the girls' privacy. I'm sure there are plenty of lovely pics she has of them NOT in the bath or sleeping in their pants that she can post on FB.

Feminazi · 18/09/2016 13:28

You can report pictures on Facebook.

Absy · 18/09/2016 13:39

I don't think YABU.
On the photos - I post photos of DS, but have strict privacy settings and delete the photos from "public" (people who I'm friends with) every couple of months. when he's older I might reconsider posting pictures of him at all without his permission. As for naked pictures - I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

As for the contact (and sharing a bed almost naked) with the sdgf - again I get why you're uncomfortable and agree YANBU but then I have family history with such issues so am probably overly cautious

kali110 · 18/09/2016 15:21

So it's ok if it were the gm but awful as it's the gf and terrible because he's the sgf! ( even though he's obviously been in their lives for years).
I wouldn't post pics on the internet, but clearly the dad has no problem with it!
He's also the parent, not just the mother ( who you have no idea actually has a problem
With it, it's only you).
Amazingly kids who share beds with family members do grow up with boundaries Hmm
not every blokes who has kids sleeping in their bed will hurt them.

Original poster
Smartcub · 18/09/2016 17:19

Kali please don't twist what I said.

I did not say it was ok if it was the gm. I said I'd find it odd if either did this but pointed out that there are different privacy levels between males and females hence why there are male/female toilets and changing rooms. Hence why boys and girls don't share rooms over a certain age. How many women would get changed in front of their mum or sister but not true dad or brother?

Most of all though I don't think the photos should be made public, even if the mum and dad are ok with it I think it's very unfair on the dc. Again though there's a big difference between a private Facebook page and photo shared with close friends and family and one shared with over 1000 friends.

OP posts: