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Original poster

Child maintaince with a greedy ex

484 replies

EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 00:02

My brother has his daughter a lot.

This is how it breaks down. 1/2 the school holidays. EOW plus every Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school. Also 1/2 the cost of school uniform.

EOW is Friday after school till bedtime Sunday.

Still ex wants CMO payments.

While he has his daughter he feeds and clothes her and washes and irons the school uniform to send back.

My brother has now stopped the £100 per week maintence or he can't afford to have his dd.

Is this fair.

OP posts:
Somerville · 17/09/2016 10:35

Oh and I LOVED the fact that sister thinks the father should have full custody because her parents will be able to provide free childcare. Taking the child away from her mother to spend more time with... grandparents. Hmm No, it's not that he just wants to get out of paying maintenance. Hmm

And he can work more than the mother because of not having his daughter overnight because he can then get to work early/on time. Getting to work after dropping off at school makes getting a week paid job so much harder - not many employers are flex enough to have someone roll
up at 9.20.

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:36

Ego147 because it's not 50/50. Since when is the bare minimum acceptable parenting? I've argued this point with XH for years, he has DS once a fortnight and has no other involvement in his life, and is fond of spouting that he has parental rights. Actually it's parental rights and responsibilities, and anyone, RP or NRP, who thinks that literally doing the bare minimum they can as a parent makes them a decent parent is a disgrace. A martyr complex because you pay for your child, have them some of the time and want the world to give you a round of applause for being amazing is ridiculous. Parenting is about putting your child first, not yourself. We pay well over the minimum for DPs stepdaughters (he's the only dad they've ever known), we're involved in their day to day lives, support their mum in any way we can, not just financially. Not because we have to, or we should, but because we want what is best for them. All our kids come before us, that doesn't make us special, it makes us parents.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 10:37

And he can work more than the mother because of not having his daughter overnight because he can then get to work early/on time

not many employers are flex enough to have someone roll up at 9.20

He also does the school run 2x a week. Some employers don't like that as well.

Somerville · 17/09/2016 10:39

Ego read the OP. He isn't currently paying any maintenance.

And you're defending him.

Nice.

Why are there so many shit fathers and their apologists out there? I'm stepping away now, this is bloody depressing.

toptoe · 17/09/2016 10:40

I would say be careful you aren't making assumptions about what your brother wants custody wise. He might be saying things he thinks you want to hear, whilst wanting to pay less.

It's his dd, he needs to decide what he thinks is best. If he has been asked to pay a certain amount he should pay it. Or argue his case. But you can't do that for him. Same as the custody arrangements. He has to sort it out himself with his ex. You can't say 'I've had some advice and this is what you should do...' because that's advice he should seek privately himself (because only he knows what he really wants). He might feel some pressure to agree that he should have his dd more because that's some idea of perfect parenting, but in reality he is happy for the amount of time he gets (so he prefers dropping her off home rather than overnighting) and that's ok. But he shouldn't stop paying the agreed maintenance unless it has been discussed and agreed with his ex, because she'll be depending on that money to keep here dd's home going.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 10:40

ayeokethen

You don't need to patronise me about supporting a child. You really don't. I am not going to discuss my personal situation but you really don't need to explain to me about that.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 10:41

read the OP. He isn't currently paying any maintenance

He's been paying £400 a month for ages. Does that make him a shit father?

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:43

Ego147 patronising? I wasn't patronising, I was pointing out that your obsession with not paying for a child seemed very personal to you. I don't care what your situation is. Parents have a responsibility to support and bring up their children whether they live with them or not. That's it, no other argument, just that.

PlectrumElectrum · 17/09/2016 10:43

An ex/NRP who simply stops paying maintenance (despite being legally obliged to pay it, given the circumstances detailed) is not an ex/NRP any RP should rely upon to provide childcare it's parenting, not fecking childcare to allow them to work. I'd say it wouldn't be beyond such an ex/NRP to withdraw that childcare parenting at a whim in much the same way as the maintenance stops.

Nothing about the OP's DB reads well, nor the OP for that matter. It's certainly not the RP who strikes me as being greedy.

Somerville · 17/09/2016 10:44

Parenting is about putting your child first, not yourself.

This.

I've just turned down a perfect job opportunity in Paris. I'd love it. I can't do it because I have children who need stability. Even considering it would have been selfish, because it would have been for me and not for them.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 10:46

I was pointing out that your obsession with not paying for a child seemed very personal to you

That's not what I've said. I have merely asked what would be 'fair' and 'reasonable' in a situation like this - where the NRP has DD 2x a week, does EOW, provides clothes and has half the holidays.

That is very different to 'not paying'

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:48

Somerville that must have been really hard for you. My dad said when DS was born that as a parent you only ever need to ask yourself one question "Who are you doing it for?", if the answer is your kids, it's the right thing to do. He's the most amazing Dad in the world, so I take his advice on board, because he's proof of what every parent should be. If I can be half the parent he is, I'll be happy.

Careforadrink · 17/09/2016 10:48

He's stopping payments.

Any decent father doesn't do that. He has a legal and moral duty to support his child.

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:49

Quibbling over money when he doesn't have his child anything like 50% of the time then, my argument still applies.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/09/2016 10:49

Oh and I LOVED the fact that sister thinks the father should have full custody because her parents will be able to provide free childcare. Taking the child away from her mother to spend more time with... grandparents. hmm No, it's not that he just wants to get out of paying maintenance. hmm

This is a classic move, Somerville. I have heard this so many times. Exes screaming to have their kids, and when they do get them on a Saturday, they hand them over to Granny to look after because they are still sleeping off their hangover from Friday night.

And again - the OP's brother might not do any of this. He might be a paragon. But as he's an absent parent who has stopped paying any child maintenance at all, and calls the resident parent "greedy" for wanting a contribution to the expenses of caring for their daughter, I don't have much hope that he's a decent sort.

StripeyMonkey1 · 17/09/2016 10:51

It's not just about the money. It's also the name calling. Greedy is not the right word to use about the ex here.

Selfish (from other posters) might well also not be the right word to use about the brother. He might have genuine financial issues for all we know.

Best solution surely must be discussion and maybe mediation to find a long term plan that suits both mum and dad well enough. Not the route the brother has chosen being unilateral ceasing of payments (which she is almost certainly currently legally entitled to) and the resulting hostilities. Morally, even if he is right to want to pay less (and we don't know his situation or hers), he has gone about it in completely the wrong way.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/09/2016 10:52

But as he's an absent parent

No one knows why that is the case though. Ex may have had numerous affairs like my DH exW He may have enough the reason they split or they may have just grown apart.

No one knows the reason yet many jump to conclusions.

Tiredbutfuckingfine · 17/09/2016 10:53

Has this father considered what's best for the child, at any point in all of this?

bearleftmonkeyright · 17/09/2016 10:54

What the hell? What kind of person starts a thread like this? And you think the child should be taken from their mother? Just back off and take this with you Biscuit

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:54

PigletWasPoohsFriend it doesn't matter why he's a NRP, and the behaviour of either X doesn't matter either. It's the upbringing of the wee girl in the middle of all this that matters. DPs XW cheated relentlessly, as did my XH, none of that has ever been relevant to how we parent.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 10:55

But as he's an absent parent who has stopped paying any child maintenance at all

He shouldn't have stopped paying child maintenance. But it doesn't sound like he's an absent parent. I am sure there are many single parents on here who know what an absent parent is.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/09/2016 10:56

Exactly, ayeokthen.

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:57

There's a massive difference between a NRP and an absent parent. DP and XH are classic examples. DP is a NRP, heavily involved in all aspects of DSDs lives, schooling, doctor, clinics, hobbies, financial support. XH is a dick who thinks rocking up once a fortnight with a happy meal makes him super Dad.

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2016 10:58

That's not what I've said. I have merely asked what would be 'fair' and 'reasonable' in a situation like this - where the NRP has DD 2x a week, does EOW, provides clothes and has half the holidays.

Why don't you ask the CMS, their rules are quite clear. 2 nights EOW plus half the nights (or is it just days at the grandparents?) of the holidays can be inputted into the calculator, along with salary, and that will give the bear minimum. Then what you consider "fair and reasonable" can be added on top once your minimum obligations are met.

And PS - giving your child dinner twice a week doesn't make a difference to the calculation.

RepentAtLeisure · 17/09/2016 10:58

He's been paying £400 a month for ages. Does that make him a shit father?

He may have been paying £400 a month for ages but the OP gives no clue as to timelines. It just says he was paying that, and now he isn't. For all we know he started paying that this year. Or maybe he's been paying it for 10 plus years. The point is we don't know.

Posters like you who pretend that they do know have just filled an awful lot of the detail in with your imagination, and that's what you're arguing for...