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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintaince with a greedy ex

484 replies

EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 00:02

My brother has his daughter a lot.

This is how it breaks down. 1/2 the school holidays. EOW plus every Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school. Also 1/2 the cost of school uniform.

EOW is Friday after school till bedtime Sunday.

Still ex wants CMO payments.

While he has his daughter he feeds and clothes her and washes and irons the school uniform to send back.

My brother has now stopped the £100 per week maintence or he can't afford to have his dd.

Is this fair.

OP posts:
Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:11

Most people who aren't desperate to defend a NRP father not paying ANY maintenance towards his child could probably tell that was sarcasm. I'm sorry you couldn't, but that does say a lot about the position you're coming at this from

I'll say it again - for the record.

I think he should pay something. The question is - how much is 'reasonable' given the circumstances that we do know - and there is a lot we don't know.

I personally don't think anyone can answer that question - as we don't know enough about the whole set up.

needsahalo · 17/09/2016 12:15

I think he should pay something. The question is - how much is 'reasonable' given the circumstances that we do know - and there is a lot we don't know

Plenty of people have told me that it's fine for my ex not to pay anything cos of a 50/50 situation (despite me paying everything) and the fact I am ok financially and can afford it. Seriously. All the time.

DonaldStott · 17/09/2016 12:17

What an apt username Ego

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2016 12:17

I think he should pay something. The question is - how much is 'reasonable' given the circumstances that we do know - and there is a lot we don't know.

Which is why I initially said he should check the CMS calculator. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Petal02 · 17/09/2016 12:17

And don't forget that most separated couples are separated because they don't get on - so they're unlikely to agree with each other's behaviour post-split. I'm sure there are lots of reasonable parents who are vilified by their ex's ......

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 17/09/2016 12:18

£14.28 a day

That's to cover extra costs of rent, bills and food apart from 2 full days every other week

I think it's perfectly reasonable amount to expect a nrp who is working and able to work to pay

Unless of course they would rather spend the money on themselves Hmm

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:18

despite me paying everything

That's it - if you have 50/50 but are paying for things that your ex isn't (such as clothes), that's not fair.

50/50 does not mean the costs are equal. Then the question is 'the lifestyle' at each house etc. Should parents have the same standard house? Split the income equally?

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 12:18

Ego there is no point trying to reason with someone who is quite clearly so embittered by something in their life that they can't see what is right and wrong. Therefore I am done. I sincerely hope that your attitude to parenting on here isn't your attitude in real life.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:20

Which is why I initially said he should check the CMS calculator. Are you being deliberately obtuse

And we don't know if the £100 a week is the CMS calculation.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:21

there is no point trying to reason with someone who is quite clearly so embittered by something in their life that they can't see what is right and wrong

All I am saying is that there are a lot of facts we don't know on here.

Petal02 · 17/09/2016 12:21

The 'lifestyle' question is a whole different can of worms - I'm not sure if it's possible, let alone appropriate, to achieve parity across two different households.

Somerville · 17/09/2016 12:25

No ego which is why everyone said to check it, see what he legally had to pay, and then start paying it, plus arrears.

Then you came along to explain that we were wrong.

And now you've summed up to confirm your opinion, which is the same as exactly what all of us were telling OP (once we'd got to the bottom of the confusing way she phrased it all). You seem to think that your opinion is worth more than ours. What? Because you're a NRP too? (I don't know.)

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:32

Then you came along to explain that we were wrong

A lot of people have been saying it's 2 / 14 nights.

Which it isn't.

Then there's the issue about 2 x a week school pick up, EOW and half the holidays. Which is where the CSA calculations don't really take into account.

The number of nights is a strange factor - and something that can complicate a situation.

A parent could have a child 1 night a week or 5 nights a fortnight. The housing costs are going to be the same.

Food costs aren't affected by the overnight stays.

School runs - well a parent could do the morning one but another do the evening one and bring back later.

I know the CSA calculator is what there is - and the overnights are used to calculate. But as people have pointed out, you can still do 50/50 and yet that doesn't reflect the true costs.

How do you get a 'fair' system of calculating CSA maintenance? I don't think the overnight way is fair - for either parent.

Froginapan · 17/09/2016 12:34

This thread is incredibly sad.

It just goes to show the level of entitlement so many men have.

My ex partner wants to do exactly the same - remove DC from my care and put DC in full time childcare/fob DC off into grandparents while he works.

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/09/2016 12:38

Well unless SuperDad isn't working (which seems unlikely) then I think it's probably safe to say the CMS calculation won't be zero, will it?

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/09/2016 12:41

Agree Froginapan, raging male entitlement on this thread.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:45

I don't know what a 'fair' way is of working out maintenance - given that there are a lot of factors involved.

I don't think that overnights and a percentage of the pay is fair for anyone - as that can't reflect the actual costs etc involved.

The children have to be at the heart of this - and the reality is that hopefully both parents want to be with their children, to provide a home for them, to parent them and that needs paying for somehow.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 17/09/2016 12:47

I shall tell ds when he comes home from his dad's that he can't have any food as I have not quoted in food costs for him for that day

Maybe he should have a cold bath too and no heating on in his room should he get cold

Thankfully we both feel responsible towards OUR child that we don't have ridiculous arguments like this

Petal02 · 17/09/2016 12:49

I've always thought that overnights were a strange way to calculate costs: theoretically, the child could go to dad's after school, have tea there, then go to mum's after tea and sleep there. Dad has borne the cost of the meal, yet mum 'gains' in maintenance terms because the child has slept under her roof. Just an example (before anyone goes ballistic).

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:50

Dad has borne the cost of the meal, yet mum 'gains' in maintenance terms because the child has slept under her roof

Yet Dad has to pay for a house and a 2 bed house as he might well have DD at weekends and holidays.

It's complicated. But I don't know what way would be best.

Petal02 · 17/09/2016 12:53

yet dad has to pay for a 2 bed house as he has DD at weekends

True. We had to have at least two 'extra' bedrooms in our house, because (initially) it was expected that DSS and DSD would be with us EOW.

JellyBelli · 17/09/2016 12:56

How about men accept that when they have children, these types of expenses will be a normal part of their lives?

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 12:57

You could argue that the NRP shouldn't have an extra room and the children should always stay at the RP - and maintenance should reflect the extra housing costs

But then that would be countered with 'Disney dads who only do tea' and don't get involved more.

Can anyone justify the fact that it's overnights that are the main part of the CSA calculation?

toptoe · 17/09/2016 12:57

Sadly, discussing the op's brother's thoughts and actions (which don't appear to be in sync) is like pissing into the wind because he has no idea and probably could not give two shits.

Petal02 · 17/09/2016 12:59

I'm sure most men realise that children come with costs, but it's the doubling up of costs post-split that takes allot of people by surprise.

A 'together' couple with a boy and a girl can manage fine with 1 house and 3 bedrooms. They split up, and suddenly it's two houses and 6 bedrooms, but the same amount of income between them.

I don't have any magic solutions here!!