Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I suspect more women would prefer to live with their partner and child than their parents.
Why not give it a try? You can always go back to your parents if you don't get settled in 6 months. Surely most partners there have had the experience of moving to new places, knowing nobody?

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

It doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise.

Completely agree

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby?

Most single parents? Parents with partners who do nights shifts? Parents who have weekends away with friends?

I'm not sure why you posted this thread as you just seem to want everyone to agree with you.

Realistically how do you see your relationship lasting if you won't move out?

[Eatthecake]

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby wtaf? millions of women every single day

I can completely understand your dp point of view

Do you actually see this relationship long term?

You knew he was in the army before baby came alone? So why did you have the baby with him if you wasn't prepared to accept his job?

[moomoo222]

I don't think people are 'taking his side' - it's just you asked AIBU and the wholehearted response is YABU!

You do sound desperately unreasonable and not very committed. People move all the time, for partners, for work..or for example to married quarters for the army - where you would meet tons of people with whom you have loads in common (army husbands, small kids etc). Compromise is part of being in a relationship and prioritising the relationship and the person you are with - building a future together.

Honestly - you probably need to realise that If you don't want to commit to the future of the relationship and you want to stay with your parents then perhaps realise that at the age he is he will probably find someone who will commit (as previous posters said - you need to get on with it before it is no longer an option).

[Hellochicken]

I understand your POV, and I don't have any disability or medications. I'd hate to live on my own if DH worked away. For years I lived next door to parents and siblings (but DH did too). Other cultures people live with extended family for longer/indefinitly. Eventually in my 30s we lived away from family (30 mins drive).
It doesnt sound like commitment problem, just practicality of living situation.

[Chinnygirl]

Could you try living with him for a year to see how it goes? You can always break up and go back to your parents if it really doesn't work out. Or can you rent something halfway? An hour away from family isn't that far. I think you should try to find a way to make this work. It would be nice for your daughter to grow up with a father present as well. And you have been with him for a long time.

[Montalf]

Would you not feel safe because of your disability and the effects this may have on you or is it because you don't feel safe being on your own full stop?

Could you not compromise and get a place near your friends and family, so you will feel safer around those you know and he will get his own home and family that he sounds like he wants? Sometimes you have to compromise and if you showed you were willing to meet him half way maybe he would do the same.

I understand that living on your own with a baby can be very daunting, however I did it and continued as my daughter grew up for 12 years and I never had any trouble that I couldn't deal with.

[Branleuse]

I see your point OP, but I think it means hes not the right guy for you. I think you need someone who is not in the army.
I couldnt be an army wife. Its surely not for everyone

[foursillybeans]

I don't really know how it works but would you get given a home in the married quarters? Is it just with a smaller rent than commericl properties?
I don't think you are being immature as you have a disability and this makes it more complicated living on your own. I also understand how you feel regarding safety but I think you would find if that it would take just a few weeks and you would be fine and not worried about that aspect. It only took a few occasions of my DH travelling for work for me to be ok with staying alone and it surprised me as I had always worried and asked people to sleep on my sofa previously when he travelled. I'm glad I tried it.
Going back to the married quarters I think you would find that there is quite a community spirit there as the houses around the area would be army housing. There would be other families, wives and mums who would be supportive and would become good friends and a good support if you let them. Much more so than just moving in a normal area.
I do hope you move forward though as being honest, I think if you continue to refuse you are asking too much of your DP and it will be the end of your relationship.

[ShowMeTheElf]

He's right though: you are less committed as you won't/can't move to be with him.
How long has he signed up for? If he's committed to a few years you have a big decision to make....

[allthecarbs]

I do understand about not wanting to be alone a lot, but what exactly is your plan? Are you hoping he'll leave the army?

[allthecarbs]

P's I'm on my own with 2 children 4 nights a week and I'm fine. You get used to it.

[1stTimeMama]

You won't be given a married quarter until you are actually married, so that takes that option of our the situation.

I lived on my own with my daughter from the start, with my the boyfriend commuting at weekends. We went on to have 2 more children whilst living apart. A got married last year after 7 years together and moved 1.5hrs away from family and friends. I'm not going to sugar cost it, it was hard, emotional and I found it a struggle, but we've now moved again, this time 3.5hrs away, and just had our 4th baby, and it's much easier now I'm used to it.

You would make friends wherever you went, yes it may take some time, but with a young it gives you an opener almost immediately.

You say why should you be punished because of his job? Why should he be punished by not being able to see his daughter for getting a stable job? He obviously sees a future for you all by discussing moving in together and marriage, but you seem to be coming up with whatever obstacle you can not to make it work.

[PhotosGinAndALongLieIn]

When I was 20 I got married and moved into quarters. Yes it was a huge upheaval and I left my whole world behind (apart from him obvs). I made (wonderful) new friends and I made a life there, 250 miles from home. And don't forget that when he's away, you will be surrounded by people who know exactly what that is like and who will help you.

A relationship is give and take. He wants to live with you. You might like living with your parents but he obviously wants to be a couple. It sounds like you don't. You're not even prepared to compromise by getting a place of your own. Why would he want to live with your parents?

He must be very hurt that you'd rather live with your parents than him. Two hours is nothing. You can visit somewhere two hours away with very little effort. Your family and friends could also visit you.

YANBU to be apprehensive or not want to move away but YABVU to not even consider a compromise or his feelings.

[TheWitTank]

How does your disability affect you? Do you struggle to lift the baby, housework, bend? I am alone a lot with my two children and I feel perfectly safe -what is it that concerns you? I can see his point, sorry OP. You went into the relationship with your eyes open, and then went on to have a baby. He isn't punishing you, he wants commitment and for the relationship to develop beyond what is really a boyfriend/girlfriend at school thing. Do you really want to be with him? You sound very resentful.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

OP you have been together 2 years and have a year old baby. You were together in a relationship for 3 months before you get pregnant (whether or not you knew each other at 13 is irrelevant really )

The odds are massively stacked against this working anyway, and you don't want to live with him or share a home.

You may as well end it now tbh. You have been immature having a child in the first place

[foursillybeans]

I also agree with Branleuse though. It could just be you are not happy to be a military wife. It takes compromise and a certain level of independence that you are not prepared to do. But it's probably best to decide now rather than drag it out for another few years.

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

Please understand I did not write on here expecting everyone to say I'm right & expect everyone to agree with me! I came on here solely for more opinions on the situation!
As previously stated, I appreciate the opinions (not so much the insults) but nonetheless - I'm taking everything on board.
After all - I've learnt I'm a selfish, immature, unreasonable human being who's bloke is unlucky to have me!
Such kind words and just goes to show that bullying never goes away with age!
You all wonder why I don't want to consider making "new friends" in married quarters - it's because there are horrible women out there like a lot of you .. that I've managed to filter out of my life in the last 24 years and have been left with the good eggs in life!
But anyway, thanks to you all muchly appreciated guys, whatever way the opinions swayed! x

[2kids2dogsnosense]

with all due respect Snerk

What will you do if he's posted overseas? I realise that you has a disability, but if you weren't capable of caring for your child independently, why did you have her? (I know, I know - you love each other etc etc etc).

I',m sorry if you don't want to hear this OP, but it does seem that YOU are the one making the demands - your DP understandably wants a home and family of his own - he doesn't want to be an add-on to your parents. Could you not even try to spend some time in Army married quarters and see how it goes? I'm sure your mama and dad will still be there for you if it doesn't wrk out.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

Ah that explains a lot Op

[TattyCat]

Let the poor bugger go and find someone who will commit. You're not being fair and wanting to live with your parents is a very, very immature attitude. That's not normal, even with a disability.

He's not being unfair, you know. It's a perfectly normal expectation that he has. But I doubt he will put up with 'visiting' you every weekend and living with inlaws forever, so your relationship will likely end anyway. Better to do it now than drag out the misery.

[Bumbumtaloo]

OP I understand your point, I really do but I think YABU.

YOU decided to have a relationship with him, YOU decided to have a child with him this whole situation is down to choices YOU have made.

I'm registered disabled and among various other medical conditions, I also have chronic pain. I am able to get through each day with a cocktail of meditation. I have two children, I didn't become disabled until after I had them. I certainly would not want to spend a significant amount of time on my own with them, my illnesses are unpredictable and at times quite frankly it would not be safe. But, and it's a big but my dc were already here, I cannot change that.

I honestly think you are being unfair to your partner, and I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

This whole situation could have been avoided.

[Chillyegg]

Oh love. Stop. Re read everything youve read and written. Slowly think about it.

Then realise you need to give yourself a bit of a talking to. You sound like you want your cake and eat it. Move out of your parents house. Im moving in ti a house soon on my own with a baby. You really really need a reality check

[OnionKnight]

I think you should let him find someone who will commit.