Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

At what point will you want to move in with him? Are you waiting for him to leave the Army before that happens?

Poor chap

wow I cannot believe the aggression and spite you have met on here.

Your partner is basically absent for work all week - and you have pain, disability and a young child.

Of course you want to live with family and near friends - when you are happy there and they are the people you are with most of them time as he is away.

Would you feel that you would be more open to suggestions when you child is no longer a baby. My friend with MS felt very vulnerable with a baby and moved back part time with her parents once the little girl was 3 she moved back full time with her DH. Hope you find some compromise.

Who's bullying you op?
Mn has a lot of posters who are straight to the point but not bullying. Or are you just upset because no one has really agreed with you?

Anyway, I hope it has opened your eyes to your boyfriends side of things.

I had a baby at your age and a DP who worked away a lot. I never felt unsafe, that's what door locks and alarm systems are for.

I also have health issues - Ehlers-Danlos and Fibromyalgia to name but 2. I am also now a single parent and work full time too. My family supports me a bit, but I wouldn't want to live with them!

From what I understand about military life, there are thriving communities on base. I used to jobshare with a military wife who had a great social life on base with her DDs whilst her husband was away.

You sound like you got with this guy simply because you've known him ages and he was available. Did you feel your disabilities would prevent you meeting someone, because you sound a bit like you've 'settled'? If you were truly happy to be with this man you would want to have a home with him and be a proper family. If a guy I'd had a child with, who had a decent job, wanted to house me and be a proper family I'd jump at the chance but all I attract are commitophobes.

You sound like a 5 year old....

I can understand your side but I still don't agree with it at all. Living together is a commitment. The fact that you refuse to make it does make you less committed. He's being completely reasonable in stating that fact.

The reasonable compromise would surely be you living near your friends and family and him commuting (of course you two should pay bills and mortgage together, btw; it would be his home too).

Being scared to be alone in a house with a baby is ridiculous I'm afraid. Lock the doors at night and grow up! You and your boyfriend have started your own family now and need your own space.

So anyone that sees you for what you are, not the infantilised princess your parents have made you, is a bully. And you're always the victim. Yep, that fits in with your earlier rants. We've seen it all before. Let the poor bloke go and find himself an adult woman to settle down with. Maybe he can give your child some normality when he does.

I don't s see why you have posted in AIBU if you're not willing to listen to people's responses!

You had a child after being in a relationship for less than 1 year of which your OH was in the army for.
You sound like a teen mum rather than an adult.
I have chronic pain and I manage with a baby. If you live near your parents they are not going to suddenly stop seeing you or your daughter

There's being straight to the point and then there's being just outright spiteful and nasty!
No, it hasn't opened my eyes.
I stick by my original opinion.
Yep. He's in the army, he chose that lifestyle.
Yep. I had his baby, I chose that lifestyle.
Am I still adamant that I'd like to live by family and friends? Yes I am.
Am I still adamant I shouldn't have to leave everyone I know for his job? Yes I am.
If it makes me selfish - then fuck it, I'm selfish.
But I'd rather be happy & have help at hand, than miserable & away from everyone!

I've not read the whole thread I got to here

t the ages of 24 & 25 in this day and age, housing is not cheap and with me being disabled and him being in the army,

Sorry, you sound really, really immature and like you don't want to leave your parents' house so haven't bothered looking into the availble options.

I'm a disabled military wife, I have been for almost 23 years. You can not just move in to married quarters, you need to be married first. Married quarters aren't expensive, they aren't as cheap as they were , but the rent is much, much lower than market rates.

If you are disabled, as I am, they do adapt houses for you. You have to go through an extensive, stressful process, but I have loads of adaptations, much more than my friends who live in social housing. They do this so the serving person can still do their job.

I don't think you are being particularly fair to your partner. You knew he was going in the army and decided to have a relationship and child with him. You don't want to move away from your parents but it's ok to keep his child from him for the majority of the time to facilitate that?

Most military spouses move in to new areas not knowing anyone. We're not dumped in the middle of nowhere, there's literally hundreds of us all in one area. There's a lot of support, we're all in the same boat. But tbh, from reading your posts, I don't think anything will change your mind, you don't want to move out and you're going to try to find an excuse somewhere.

I think you've been given a hard time here OP. It's not all about him IMO. I don't see the point in moving away from your support network where you're happy to end up living alone most of the week. It's your life you do what you feel is right.

But you haven't answered one question that me and a few others have asked, was this not discussed before you had your baby? He was already in the army before you had your child. Was this kind of situation not mentioned beforehand?

Isn't married quarters full of wives and children? So loads of potential new friends

The majority of the opinions are that you should give married quarters a try, have you come to the conclusion that perhaps that might be the way forward?

Or would your disability stop you from caring for your daughter without help?

Sorry OP, but YABU.

Nobody has been a bully on this thread as far as I can see- you asked for opinions on your situation, and people gave them. Ideally you wanted to be told that you weren't being unreasonable, and that your boyfriend should either sacrifice his job to live with you where you currently are or continue to be the one to make the effort to see his daughter with no effort to compromise on your part. He does all of that for you & what do you propose you give back to the relationship & him? It is all about compromise & give + take. That is honestly how it seems from all of your posts & your later clarifications- I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.

It sounds as if you would be happier ending the relationship and staying at home with your parents. Seeing as everyone outside your friendship group and people you know are "horrible like the lot of us", you might find someone more on your wave length closer to home then.

Hi, sorry you're feeling picked on - I'm just wondering if you'd actually be allowed an MQ if you're not married yet?

In the dim and distant past we were allocated a quarter a week before we got married but we weren't allowed to actually live there until we were legally married. I don't know if it's changed but it would be worth checking out

I have lived alone since DS was 16 months and have always felt very safe.

I can see both sides. For him, it seems like there's no way forward - either he leaves the army or he can never live with you. It must feel a bit awkward for him to come and stay at your parents every weekend. If I was him I'd want my own space too.

In your situation I think the best thing would be to buy a house where you are now, as a couple. You both live together in it at weekends and you spend a couple of nights a week by yourself and a couple with your parents.

The house would probably be a good investment in any case so don't look at it like he's paying to only live in a house 2 days a week or a waste of money. I believe most people leave the army fairly young (correct me if I'm wrong) so he'll need somewhere to live after that anyway. If you've been paying a mortgage on a house for 10-15 years by that point, you'll be so much better off than starting from scratch.

Well then you don't have a relationship to worry about, do you?

You can stay selfish, because nobody else matters. At least you've accepted that. That's a good start.

I imagine he's quite hurt by you. You don't want to start a life & family with him. You won't be flexible & try it another way to make him happy. A relationship is compromise & trying to make your partner happy and some sacrifice is needed. How long is he signed up for? Are you lot worried about losing him? Pergolas think about his needs & wants before your own. If you loved closet he could see his daughter every night not as a weekend dad. Why do you choose your parents over him? I do fee sorry for him because I know I would be desperately sad if I was working to support my family but only got to see them on the weekend. If the roles were reversed are you really saying you could leave your daughter Monday to Friday?

At no point have I said I'm not willing to listen to opinions? I wouldn't have posted on here if I wasn't willing to take on different opinions.
But like I said before - there's opinions, and then there's being insulting, nasty, spiteful & bitchy.
I didn't ask you to judge my fucking character, I didn't ask anyone to tell me the kind of person I am, and I certainly didn't ask to have insults thrown at me!!
I asked for opinions on the situation!
Some people have input theirs without being an outright cunt, sadly, others haven't!

You seem to be avoiding (or missing) a few questions OP. How much assistance do you need day to day? Can you manage to lift/bend etc? What do your parents help you with, or is it more the emotional support that you want to stay for? What discussions did you have with your other half before the baby was born? What scares you so much about living alone? My DH is away a lot and I actually find it liberating (although I do miss him!) when I thought I would be nervous.

Why does YOUR happiness and desire for home comforts completely trump HIS desire to live as a family with his partner and child? Of course you're being unreasonable.