To defriend MIL on Facebook

[nwbmum]

Relationship has really worsened with MIL about 2 yrs ago after she deliberately ignored an email I sent which was really earnestly asking her if she could visit us longer next time (she lives overseas and only visit once a year, only stay for about a week. Our children are her only grandchildren).

I was very upset about being ignored but at next visit didn't mention anything. She acted like nothing has happened so I could only play along. I tried my best to be civil and suppressed how upset I was. I convinced myself it was ok not to be friends with your MIL (we did get on up until that point, which was why I was open with her and asking her if she could visit more). Also I made a point not to say anything negative in front of the children or restricting their contact.

So another year passed and they came to visit again this summer. Again stayed civil but I found it harder this time. Just before they left, MIL sort of apologised for ignoring me and said it was because she was going through something difficult.

I was just starting to think things will get better and I'll set aside my anger eventually...

Then, I was due to go to a tropical country early September for a week. She emailed me before the trip to warn me about Zika virus. I said thank you for your concern but my local source says it's ok for the area I'm going and Zika is only really bad for pregnant women. She replied saying my local source is unreliable and told me by the way about a friend's son's death from cancer (she's always the one to bring tragic news). I was quite annoyed about how negative she was and felt like she's trying to scare me. It was a holiday I really looked forward to, and we barely had any contact for nearly 2 years so it felt very intrusive.

I said again that I appreciate her concern but I don't think my local source is stupid.

And she has ignored my email again.

Ok the email doesn't require an answer but still it felt like whenever I say something that's a bit challenging, she's unable to cope. I know it's her issue of not able to deal with confrontations (DH has the same weakness), but still it feels like we never get to communicate on a deeper level this way.

And if we can't communicate more openly, what's the point?

So now I'm tempted to just defriend her on FB all together. I feel like I've given up on trying to be "friends". Feeling very rejected.

Children will obviously still see her etc but I can't see us saying anything more beyond necessary at this point.

AIBU?

no it would be silly and childish.
Everyone has got their own shit going on.

Honestly, you sound a bit high maintenance. Like if the relationship isn't on your terms, meeting your expectations, then you'll just abandon it. I don't see that she has done anything wrong other than fail to meet your rather fixed ideas of how she should behave.

So, YABU.

Nooooo. That is not a sensible thing to do!

anyway for all you know , your emails could have gone to her junk box and she never saw them.

Think you're overthinking...And de friending on FB?! Really? Are you 17?!

You sound a bit unhinged. Can't really see your problem. Sounds likes she has tried to be helpful regarding the Zika virus advice. And why should she stay longer with you just because you want her to?

I imagine she has her own her life...

What would defriending her achieve? It just seems a bit passive aggressive. You're criticising her for not being able to deal with confrontation, but it doesn't sound like you've actually confronted her about anything.

As an aside, my MIL is always going on about random health scares or safety panics etc, mostly gleaned from the Mail. The latest one was that I will give us both heart disease if I buy and cook British fish. She is also convinced that 30 year old male DP will be sexually assaulted by refugees on his upcoming trip to Germany. We just say 'OK MIL' and do what we want. Don't even engage with it.

Yabu and a bit of a drama queen to be honest. You totally blew the ignoring the first email out of all proportion, it sounds like you held on to that for years You say yourself there was no need to reply to your second email exchange. If you defriend her on fb (I hate even saying that as i sound 10) then you surely know you will make things worse?

I wouldn't delete anyone off FB for not replying to 2 emails in 2 years.

Especially not a relative. And even more especially not a husband's mother. I think the only acceptable reason to go NC with an in-law is if your spouse is doing so, TBH. Aside from that then step back a bit and let him take over the communications. It's him who should be emailing his mum, anyway.

YABU.

You sound like very hard work.

I'm intrigued as to why you were "earnestly asking her to visit for longer", why visit longer? Why did you email and not your dh? Why didn't you just say face to face "next time it would be lovely if you could stay longer, it's lovely to see you", the whole thing just sounds so dramatic and ott

God, I think you'd be doing her a favour.

You're being over sensitive and melodramatic over essentially nothing. yabvu let it go.

Defriend her OP for HER sake. You sound like hard work.
Do you KNOW what she was going through that was 'difficult'? Was it not 'difficult' enough in your eyes?

How petty are you?!

It's a shame that she doesn't want the same type of relationship that you and your kids want but YABU. You know that she doesn't like potential conflict so just listen to her silence and be more acquaintance than family. Let go of the angst and smile and nod.

Goodness. I think I have entered a parallel universe. What a complete and total over reaction. It appears OTT for you to be upset over the lack of email response at the time, but for you to even remember, let alone hold a grudge for this length of time is seriously weird. Consider yourself very blessed if this is all you have to worry about.

Trying not to pile in here but you do sound bloody hard work a bit unreasonable.

Not every single email requires a response. She's not snubbing you, she's getting on with her own life.

You also sound quite insensitive to the fact that she's obviously had some shit of her own to deal with.

And she's right that even if you're not pregnant, Zika can be no bloody fun for some people, I was seconded to the West Indies over the summer and a few people I knew had it. Try not to get bitten.

You sound very all or nothing in your thinking
I wonder if you allow yourself if you can see that in other areas of your life too?
Your behaviour sounds very destructive.

You reached out and she didn't reply as you wanted her to and so you felt hurt and chose to become angry
Instead you could have considered perhaps she is busy, unwell, shy, tired or my mail went to her junk folder....or she simply can't ATM. You could have picked up the phone and telephoned her, if you really wanted your kids to see their GM - you would have called

So for two years without your discussing this imagined slight with the person in question you held onto your hurt and resentment

Now she has spoken to you about Zika and you are also determined to take this the wrong way

It sounds as though you don't like her but can find no real or good reason for this and so are magnifying nothing incidents that you don't even discuss

Now her removal from Facebook - God.

YABU and melodramatic.
You've let her rub you up the wrong way so anything she says will now be wrong. I say this as I've previously done exactly the same with my MIL.
My advice? Smile and nod. Smile and nod....

It's only the second time I posted on mumsnet. Didn't realise how harsh some people can be. Yes I am a more sensitive person by nature. I don't think that's a crime.

Pumpkintopf - i agree it's a bit childish. it's my late-night very upset brain talking. Also, her partner also defriended my DH about 5 years ago. craziness runs in the family

FoundNeverland - I'm not asking her to stay longer because I want her to. I'm asking her to acknowledge my email. If she wrote back and said, no, can't stay longer, and don't even give a reason, I'd be happy with that. I think that's reasonable to ask.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay - It's true I haven't confronted her about her ignoring me. She doesn't respond to confrontation which is why I don't feel like it would make a difference, but it does make me think, I should say something.
It's great that you've learned to just not engage with ridiculous fear mongering. I'm still learning.

Somerville - you are right DH should handle all the communications. I'm really regretting responding the email about Zika... a lesson learned.

Nocabbageinmyeye - Perhaps I didn't word it right. It wasn't a request for her to visit longer. It was a nice "it takes 30 hours for you to travel over, and it's so nice to have you around, the kids really miss you, would it be possible to stay longer next time". Of course it would be nice to say that face to face, but as I mentioned, we see each other face to face once a year, a lot of communications happen on email.

RonaldMcDonald - very perceptive analysis. i've had difficult two years (new baby, back to work / study etc, lots of stress), so dealing with MIL's relationship hasn't been priority. and with her so far away it probably won't be priority. so it's been festering.

I do like her in general, but her partner has been very mean to me and DH, and she knows and does nothing. so there has been tension.

Really? You are being a bit dramatic. I would love to have a problem as small as yours. Who really cares if her partner defriended her 5 years ago. People are not being harsh, they are being honest. You asked for opinions and just because they are not what you want to hear doesn't make it harsh. Grow up