To defriend MIL on Facebook

[nwbmum]

Relationship has really worsened with MIL about 2 yrs ago after she deliberately ignored an email I sent which was really earnestly asking her if she could visit us longer next time (she lives overseas and only visit once a year, only stay for about a week. Our children are her only grandchildren).

I was very upset about being ignored but at next visit didn't mention anything. She acted like nothing has happened so I could only play along. I tried my best to be civil and suppressed how upset I was. I convinced myself it was ok not to be friends with your MIL (we did get on up until that point, which was why I was open with her and asking her if she could visit more). Also I made a point not to say anything negative in front of the children or restricting their contact.

So another year passed and they came to visit again this summer. Again stayed civil but I found it harder this time. Just before they left, MIL sort of apologised for ignoring me and said it was because she was going through something difficult.

I was just starting to think things will get better and I'll set aside my anger eventually...

Then, I was due to go to a tropical country early September for a week. She emailed me before the trip to warn me about Zika virus. I said thank you for your concern but my local source says it's ok for the area I'm going and Zika is only really bad for pregnant women. She replied saying my local source is unreliable and told me by the way about a friend's son's death from cancer (she's always the one to bring tragic news). I was quite annoyed about how negative she was and felt like she's trying to scare me. It was a holiday I really looked forward to, and we barely had any contact for nearly 2 years so it felt very intrusive.

I said again that I appreciate her concern but I don't think my local source is stupid.

And she has ignored my email again.

Ok the email doesn't require an answer but still it felt like whenever I say something that's a bit challenging, she's unable to cope. I know it's her issue of not able to deal with confrontations (DH has the same weakness), but still it feels like we never get to communicate on a deeper level this way.

And if we can't communicate more openly, what's the point?

So now I'm tempted to just defriend her on FB all together. I feel like I've given up on trying to be "friends". Feeling very rejected.

Children will obviously still see her etc but I can't see us saying anything more beyond necessary at this point.

AIBU?

I think some of the posters on here ABU. I can see totally how this would upset you, I would feel the same. While I'm not sure deleting her on Facebook is the right answer, I would try and build bridges with her because your life will be awfully difficult if you don't.

nwb Tbh I think the issues you have with your MIL are minor. You don't have to be friends but life will be easier if you get on.

My MIL is really hardwork! Undermines me with my 16 month old DD, gives her chocolate when she's been told not to, changes her clothes into clothes they have bought and keep at their house for her. Unfortunately we need her to look after DD one day a week because we both work and can't afford full time childcare so I have to let a lot of things go. MIL doesn't answer the phone when she has my DD. Last Christmas she kept all of the presents from that side of the family at her house so when we went there on Christmas Day we had no idea family had bought all these gifts for DD, MIL then opened the presents with DD without us! Are you starting to see the difference....?

So do you ever go and visit her? Is she expected to drop everything to come and see you every year and even that's not good enough?

It must be quite costly for her, regardless of how long she stays. It looks like she's the one making the effort here, actually. How often have you been to visit her?

I think defriending your MIL on FB would be a bit pointless and would probably destroy what's left of your relationship.

I never had my MIL as a friend on FB in the first place, as I don't want her to see what I post!! We see her all the time in person though so it's a bit different.

Your MIL might be the passive aggressive type who uses silence to avoid confrontation; that's not a great way to deal with life, but neither is retaliating.

Have an open chat with her, TELL her that you would appreciate a response just so you know that she has at least READ your email, and let it go. Leave it to your DH to deal with her.

I find visits to see my grandchildren extremely stressful due to my DiL's behaviour/attitude. Perhaps your MiL stays for one week because that is as long as she can endure it. If you and her partner don't get on then the atmosphere must be tense for them. Just accept a short visit so that your children have a relationship with her and make it as pleasant as possible for everyone.

When I said say it face to face as opposed to email what I mean is you could have said exactly what you said to her in email while saying goodbye "That's for coming mil it was wonderful to see you, we would love to have you longer next time", nice friendly and casual, I think an actual email request to stay longer is odd to be honest, I just don't understand it. She is your mil not your mother, you let her know she is welcome but asking her to stay longer for no reason, it seems her son's place and not something you email request, I can't get my head around why would do it and expect an offical response as such, odd and even odder to hold on to the lack of reply for so long, I suspect she found it an odd email too.

Although since your later replies I think it may be less about the emails in your ok and more about her partners emails to your dh.

Don't send any emails, don't unfriend her, step back and accept a friendly relationship with a mil you see once a year but that is not your friend, she is not your mother, this should not matter this much to you, it just seems over invested or something, she doesn't have to be your friend, stop pushing it and being mortally wounded when she doesn't act or reply like you think she should because you will lose even the friendliness and cause a rift pushing for something that isn't naturally happening

thanks Rosamund1, you are exactly right it's ok any one incident, but it's the culmination of things that makes things stressful.

mylaptopismylapdog - I think her partner is indeed very controlling. Thanks for pointing that out. I think I need to appreciate more the dilemma she's in to please her partner and herself. I suspect she has the same non-confrontational style with partner, and probably do want to stay longer but couldn't.

As to why I enjoy her visit: it's more that I enjoy the fact that the whole family get together and DCs get to spend time with her. My own parents also live overseas and see us a few times a year only. Family time is so precious. The rest of the time we have no family around at all.

You mention that there has previously been a big falling out over one of her visits. Given that I think YABVU to expect her to stay longer. If there are tensions there it's better all round to keep the visits short.

Jeez, don't email her your 5year gripes!

You sound really hard work.

Thanks DeadGood for being so kind. I know I'm sounding dramatic but you are exactly right, being stonewalled is one of the few things I react really badly to. Taps into all my insecurities about feeling rejected.

phillips - DH has the same non-confrontational tendency, but he realises it because it has caused him problems at work as well, so he does respond to things when I confront him. Plus I see him every single day and we have a strong relationship and talk about everything. It's quite different from MIL's stonewalling.
DH did confront MIL but was getting nowhere.

But hesterton is right. It's my DH's problem, not mine...

positivity123 - thanks. it's true I need to accept that MIL is different from me. some people want to bury their face in the sand, and I can't make them face it

SharonfromEON - no I haven't sent any emails. decided to sleep on it and decided not to send.
there's no concern for grandchildren involved. it was a solo trip for myself. I told her as well I wasn't pregnant.

ptsleslie thank you

whoopiedoo - while I don't think it's worth comparing because everyone experience things differently, but I agree life would be easier if we all get on. certainly having to deal with a difficult MIL that you also rely for childcare is hard!

but my DH is also non-confrontational and never said anything back directly about those abusive emails. DH talked to MIL in a FYI kind of way.

you say he didn't do anything and just told mil in a FYI way. Now saying he tried but wasn't getting anywhere?

Plus I see him every single day and we have a strong relationship and talk about everything.

so the difference is simply that you have a more distant relationship with mil. That's to be expected. But don't hold it against her if you deal with it with dh.

She isn't a difficult mil. She simply isn't meeting you expectations.

I used to get very worked up about my MIL. 30 years on I look back and recognise how silly I was. Her life wasn't all about me and I had things totally out of proportion. I am glad I never said anything that could have damaged our relationship irretrievably.

TattyCat - it is a good point though I don't think we are being demanding.
I'm not asking her to drop everything. I know she has the means and she has the time (she retired 10+ years ago. divorced FIL and very comfortable retirement. play golf all day and travel the world a few months each year).

We got married in the remote little town they live in Australia, so DH's grandmother can attend. I wanted to visit at 6 month pregnant with DD1, she advised me not to which I agreed. Visited them again when DD1 was 2.5 month old, travelling 30 hours with a 2.5 month bad sleep was tough but we would've done it again. but when DD1 was 8 month old they came over and that's when we had the big fallout.

We also moved house, moved job, then had DD2 in the next 3 years or so, so haven't quite found the time and courage to do 30 hours travelling with 2 under 5s. DH and I keep talk about it all the time though.

Why are you trying to force her to be someone she's not? She sounds fairly normal - just different to you.

I think you need to grow up.

Nocabbageinmyeye - perhaps it sounds like an odd thing to write in email to ask her to stay longer, but before the fallout we were very close. She has two sons and always wanted a daughter. We sort of clicked. We exchanged long emails frequently and we got along well.

BillSykesDog - it's true if there was previous fallout maybe better to keep visit short. I do miss the family time and the DDs spending time with her. Also I guess asking her to stay longer was my way of saying, can we work something out and get past our differences

whoopie - you call the OP's problems minor, then go on to use your own MIL as an example of A Really Bad One.

You have a problem that she changes your daughter's clothes while she is at their house?! Come on! If that's not a minor gripe I don't know what is.

Do you see how your problems can seem minor to others, but feel very real when you are living them?

phillips - what I'm saying is that DH saying anything to MIL is him trying to confront her about her partner. DH couldn't bring himself to confront the partner directly

I think there has been some real unpleasantness on here regardless of what people may think of the validity of the problem. Let's treat each other with a bit of respect - it's okay to disagree with someone but you don't have to be disagreeable about it.

nwbmum - good luck with it all going forward - I think it's really nice that you want your MIL to come and spend even more time with you - on mumsnet MILs come in for a lot of kicking.

"You say your dh has the same weakness. Why are you still with him if you find this trait so awful? Surely if you can deal with him being like this, you can deal with mil being like this."

Disagree phillipp. It's very common for people to dislike traits in their PILs that they see in their spouse.

When you choose your partner, those negative traits are less visible. For one thing we hide them a little; for another thing, they develop and harden over time.

For this same reason, those traits are more pronounced and negative in the parents, who are older and more set in their ways.

When we recognise those traits in our PILs, we dislike it as we see the possible future for our own spouse.

And finally, we don't leave our partners for every character trait they have or develop that we don't like. Which is what you seem to be suggesting the OP should have done.

As you, yourself say, she doesn't like confrontation, and feels unable to communicate on a deeper level. Cut the poor woman some slack.
She was brave enough to confide in you, that she had been going through a difficult time. Do not cut her off, have a heart.

Ginslinger - thank you . I haven't been active on mumsnet a lot and was a bit at my wits' end and wrote this post after a few drinks. I really didn't think some of the language can become so unpleasant. I'm just trying to take away the useful bits. It's helpful getting a different perspective.

Those who were just saying nasty things I imagine probably have their own family problems to deal with.

My parents and MIL never reply to emails that I send. I normally just send photos etc.

why not give her a call? or text if she has a mobile, she is probably busy cracking on with her life and is unaware that you are at home stewing about her.