To defriend MIL on Facebook

[nwbmum]

Relationship has really worsened with MIL about 2 yrs ago after she deliberately ignored an email I sent which was really earnestly asking her if she could visit us longer next time (she lives overseas and only visit once a year, only stay for about a week. Our children are her only grandchildren).

I was very upset about being ignored but at next visit didn't mention anything. She acted like nothing has happened so I could only play along. I tried my best to be civil and suppressed how upset I was. I convinced myself it was ok not to be friends with your MIL (we did get on up until that point, which was why I was open with her and asking her if she could visit more). Also I made a point not to say anything negative in front of the children or restricting their contact.

So another year passed and they came to visit again this summer. Again stayed civil but I found it harder this time. Just before they left, MIL sort of apologised for ignoring me and said it was because she was going through something difficult.

I was just starting to think things will get better and I'll set aside my anger eventually...

Then, I was due to go to a tropical country early September for a week. She emailed me before the trip to warn me about Zika virus. I said thank you for your concern but my local source says it's ok for the area I'm going and Zika is only really bad for pregnant women. She replied saying my local source is unreliable and told me by the way about a friend's son's death from cancer (she's always the one to bring tragic news). I was quite annoyed about how negative she was and felt like she's trying to scare me. It was a holiday I really looked forward to, and we barely had any contact for nearly 2 years so it felt very intrusive.

I said again that I appreciate her concern but I don't think my local source is stupid.

And she has ignored my email again.

Ok the email doesn't require an answer but still it felt like whenever I say something that's a bit challenging, she's unable to cope. I know it's her issue of not able to deal with confrontations (DH has the same weakness), but still it feels like we never get to communicate on a deeper level this way.

And if we can't communicate more openly, what's the point?

So now I'm tempted to just defriend her on FB all together. I feel like I've given up on trying to be "friends". Feeling very rejected.

Children will obviously still see her etc but I can't see us saying anything more beyond necessary at this point.

AIBU?

Ginslinger - thank you . I haven't been active on mumsnet a lot and was a bit at my wits' end and wrote this post after a few drinks. I really didn't think some of the language can become so unpleasant. I'm just trying to take away the useful bits and ignore the rest. It's helpful getting a different perspective.

furryminkymoo - it's a good idea but probably even weirder to call. we never talked on the phone. partly used to be the cost of international calls, also difficult to organize when there is 12 hours time difference. email has always been our way of communicating

nwb it sounds to me like there's a culture in her family of being unable to handle any confrontation.

About you asking her to stay longer, she might have not answered because it's so hard for her to say 'no' to someone or face unpleasant stuff (her partner's disapproval??)

That is going to be very annoying, if she can't handle saying No gracefully and I can see how it leaves you feeling hurt when you'd been so close before, but it's something I think you have to learn to live with. She sounds perhaps rather scared. Any ideas where this problem came from, given that both she and your partner are like this?

Which is what you seem to be suggesting the OP should have done.

I never suggested anything Of the sort. You have quoted me and the quote clearly says Surely if you can deal with him being like this, you can deal with mil being like this

I don't see how that suggesting she should leave him at all.

She doesn't need to leave anyone, just accept her MIL traits as she has accepted her dh.

Just unfollow her. That way won't be seeing her posts but it wont be onvious to her.

Seaeagle - thank you. There is definitely a culture of not being able to confront in the family. I see it in MIL's other relationships, like she cut off FIL completely after divorce and barely speaks to her own brother. I know she holds resentment towards her own mother, and I know her marriage broke down because she held resentment towards FIL for 20 years but stayed for children's sake.
I guess naively I tried to change some of that culture in the family but probably not possible unless she wants to change

if this is a very long running pattern with her of silence-when-confronted plus seethign resentment that means she will go so far as to cut people off, then no you're not going to be able to change it.

it sounds like you do like her to some degree, quite a lot in a way, so might it be possible to accept that it can't be a real meeting of minds due to her hang-ups, but enjoy what you can you from the relationship? It might help if you can lower your expectations of what she is able to do, maybe. Within her limits she probably values the relationship with you, too.

Seaeagle - Yes I think acceptance of who she is and what her limits are is what I'm working on now.
Thank you for all your kind words

yw .. by the way, I wonder if something someone said a long time ago might resonate? "Under every doormat is a bubbling cauldron of anger".

For her case she seems to have found a very symbiotic / codependent relationship with her partner, where her partner expresses all her anger for her

Don't be obtuse phillipp, you also said "You say your dh has the same weakness. Why are you still with him if you find this trait so awful?" which you are now admitting you didn't really mean.

I know you don't think she should leave her husband. I'm just saying that it's stupid to pose questions like the above.

You've also ignored all of my other points.

Don't be obtuse phillipp, you also said "You say your dh has the same weakness. Why are you still with him if you find this trait so awful?" which you are now admitting you didn't really mean.

I don't think I am the one being obtuse.

You are quoting me and telling me what I meant, even when the quote says otherwise.

Even now, I can't see where I told or suggested the op should leave her dh.

Again if it's a trait her dh has and she can live with it, surely she can live with it when it's mil who she hardly sees.

If the op really thought it was such an awful trait, it was worth cutting mil off for, she wouldn't be with her dh.

That's not suggesting she leaves her dh, but that she accepts the mil for how she is.

Are you kidding phillipp? How can you not see that you clearly said "You say your dh has the same weakness. Why are you still with him if you find this trait so awful?"

It is completely normal for one's partner to show behaviours we don't particularly like. It's also normal and also to be expected that their parents probably share some of them. In fact, they are the very reason our partners have these traits - they learned them from their parents.

But we don't choose our in-laws. We choose our partners. Our in-laws often have a whole host of other additional traits that we also dislike, all adding up to create people we wouldn't choose to have in our lives if we had a choice.

Basically I disagree with your assertion that the OP should find it easy to put up with negative traits in her MIL, simply because she puts up with them in her partner. It makes no sense. Her partner has a bunch of other stuff going for him that the OP's MIL doesn't. That's why it's harder to overcome her character flaws.

Also DH is aware of his weakness and very consciously try to overcome it. Whereas MIL just hides deeper and deeper.
They share similarities but completely different people. Obviously DH is the much more evolved one