To defriend MIL on Facebook

[nwbmum]

Relationship has really worsened with MIL about 2 yrs ago after she deliberately ignored an email I sent which was really earnestly asking her if she could visit us longer next time (she lives overseas and only visit once a year, only stay for about a week. Our children are her only grandchildren).

I was very upset about being ignored but at next visit didn't mention anything. She acted like nothing has happened so I could only play along. I tried my best to be civil and suppressed how upset I was. I convinced myself it was ok not to be friends with your MIL (we did get on up until that point, which was why I was open with her and asking her if she could visit more). Also I made a point not to say anything negative in front of the children or restricting their contact.

So another year passed and they came to visit again this summer. Again stayed civil but I found it harder this time. Just before they left, MIL sort of apologised for ignoring me and said it was because she was going through something difficult.

I was just starting to think things will get better and I'll set aside my anger eventually...

Then, I was due to go to a tropical country early September for a week. She emailed me before the trip to warn me about Zika virus. I said thank you for your concern but my local source says it's ok for the area I'm going and Zika is only really bad for pregnant women. She replied saying my local source is unreliable and told me by the way about a friend's son's death from cancer (she's always the one to bring tragic news). I was quite annoyed about how negative she was and felt like she's trying to scare me. It was a holiday I really looked forward to, and we barely had any contact for nearly 2 years so it felt very intrusive.

I said again that I appreciate her concern but I don't think my local source is stupid.

And she has ignored my email again.

Ok the email doesn't require an answer but still it felt like whenever I say something that's a bit challenging, she's unable to cope. I know it's her issue of not able to deal with confrontations (DH has the same weakness), but still it feels like we never get to communicate on a deeper level this way.

And if we can't communicate more openly, what's the point?

So now I'm tempted to just defriend her on FB all together. I feel like I've given up on trying to be "friends". Feeling very rejected.

Children will obviously still see her etc but I can't see us saying anything more beyond necessary at this point.

AIBU?

*your partner

harrypotternerd - ironic how "who really cares if her partner defended DH 5 years ago", but if I defriend MIL I'm childish and overdramatic

no it is not ironic at all. Yes if you defriended her you would be childish and overdramatic. Nothing to do with what her partner did or did not do 5 years ago.

I am guessing you did not want advice. You seem to just want people to agree with you. You are an adult. Stop acting like a teenager

I'm quite confused about why you're so angry.

Your MIL "ignored" an email request to extend her next holiday (or possibly meant to respond and just forgot, or didn't know how to say she'd rather not in a nice way, or something else), but eventually sort of apologised and said she'd been going through something that distracted her. So, you have your answer there. No need to hang on to it now.

Another time she emailed, possibly trying to reopen contact after an awkward silence by offering some advice on an upcoming trip, and sharing news of something that was on her mind. After you rejected her advice, she didn't respond to your response (which by your own admission did not really require one).

You see her once a year and don't have much contact in the interim, but now for some reason you want to make an aggressive move to cut off a channel of communication... because she's not as good at communicating as you want her to be?

If you want a better relationship, or at least one that is amicable, would defriending her really achieve that? Just accept that you don't have a close relationship, but she's your kids' grandma and comes with a set of minor quirks that you just need to learn to put up with.

I think five years ago, we were a lot less able on facebook, OP. I defriended people then, not because I didn't like them but because they put up lots of posts that cluttered up my newsfeed. I suppose I didn't really take the word friend on facebook seriously. I finally found out how to not see their posts without defriending them.

And not all emails are answerable. The first one may well have gone astray and the second one, about the Zika virus, was an answer to her email. It didn't sound like one that required yet another answer.

joellevandyne - thanks for taking the time to try to understand. It helps me clarify my thoughts and emotions.

I'm angry with her because her partner has been very mean to us. She knows it and never confronted her partner. MIL's partner has written verbally abusive emails to my DH after DD1 was born, because she wasn't treated like a queen as she usually was when they visited. I had PND and we were exhausted as new parents. DD1 was a terrible sleeper. so more attention was on baby, rather than pleasing the ILs (btw MIL's partner is a she, not typo). After the abusive emails she stopped talking to me except when we see each other face to face.

It's fair enough we don't talk, but my DH is also non-confrontational and never said anything back directly about those abusive emails. DH talked to MIL in a FYI kind of way. I guess I've held a grudge against MIL's partner for DH because I feel bad for him. And because she closed up communication channels we never talked about it.

And because I don't talk to MIL's partner, and the fact that MIL knows but does nothing, most of the anger towards her got transferred to MIL. and my passive aggressive reaction to want to defriend her, in a way, is mirroring her partner.

yes this is all quite childish...

I'm in the process of writing an email to MIL now. I think what I need to do is to let her know the things that have been festering in the past five years. Whether she accepts it or responds doesn't matter, but at least it's out in the open.

Atenco - thanks... MIL actually doesn't really post much. It's me holding a grudge and being passive aggressive if I were to befriend her (thanks to this post I don't think I'll do any more!)

definitely don't think any emails are lost though. we emailed each other often and email addresses haven't changed. plus DH can see all the emails and have mentioned to MIL

I have a strict rule that emails written after 10pm need to be slept on before being sent.

And further up thread you said you agreed with me that your DH should take over communications with his mother from now on.

Worst possible scenario for your marriage is that you piss MIL off to the extent that her relationship with your DH falls apart, then he's mad at you and resentful.

I suggest you write down everything you want your MIL to know in the strongest terms possible.. Then burn it.

Somerville - thank you, you are right, I should sleep on the email. maybe never send it. we will see.

I think you need to let it go. I'm glad you've seen sense in now not defriending her because you're not 12! You can 'unfollow' you know. Maybe write the email to help you get it out of your system a bit but don't send it. Her partner doesn't sound nice but mil must be in a hard place not being able to pick a side without risk of hurting someone, so maybe she went for the do nothing bury head in sand option. I don't think the Zola email warranted a reply - I think you're overthinking that one massively.

I think I understand how you feel. Sometimes things like this can be the stressful when combined with other incidents.
Things you know about mother in law. 1. She is a bit odd (I find staying for one week only, after a long haul flight to see grandchildren when you don't have work commitments a bit odd).

1. She likes drama (likes to be the bearer of bad news).

The way to deal with that is to LET YOUR DH DEAL WITH HER. You do not have to 'announce' DH is now dealing with you.
• Just smile, nod and be polite.
• be noncommittal about the stupid things she says.

MIL - There's Zika don't go to Mexico !!!
You - thanks for letting me know, I hope you are well, how is the cat getting along.
MIL - don't go!
You - thanks for letting me know.
go on your trip
2weeks later
MIL - why did you go, omg Zika ?
You - silence
DH - work trip, reports, not pregnant (don't say not planning, none of her damn business).

Your goal is to be as sweet and nice as can be, don't rock the boat, DH deals with anything sticky.

You have a DH problem - not a MIL problem.

You say DH is non confrontational and failed spectacularly to deal with the abusive emails.

I think you're hurt (understandably) and know DH won't defend your feelings.

However, let it go, don't send the email, 5 years after the fact is a bit crazy to dredge it up for the sake of an argument that you actually want with the partner not your MIL.

Honestly, you are making drama where there is none! Maybe she just didn't see your email, or thought she'd replied and it went into drafts. These things happen!! All this 'he unfriended my DH so I'm going to unfriend hers' is very teenaged playground spite.

Don't send another email - you are just creating issues.

All this email/Facebook business is the equivalent of you shrieking BE MY FRIEND, BE MY FRIEND then I HATE YOU when you don't get the response you want - it's extremely petty and childish.

Is her partner controlling? May be she didn't reply because her partner wouldn't let her stay for longer and she couldn't admit that, that's a bit of a leap I know but you can't always tell what's going on with people. If you enjoyed her visits so much you want her to stay longer why would you want to Decried her?

Ah OP, I'm sorry you've had a hard time on here.

Good to hear you won't defriend on FB, but I can understand why you are feeling angry at and rejected by this person.

Asking her to stay longer under the circumstances is very reasonable, and receiving zero in response is hurtful and frustrating. Being stonewalled brings out the worst in me too (a control thing, I guess). I have a relative who does it to me and it's crazy making.

I often see the advice on here to "repeat stock answer til they shut up" and I'm sure it works. But if I was acting badly and someone used that tactic on me, then rightly or wrongly it would push me to behave even worse

Anyway - I'm getting sidetracked. OP, I think the partner is probably a big part of the problem with trip length, she has reason to want to keep those visits short. If I were you I'd find my inner confrontational side and start asking you MIL to stay longer when she is actually here. Her partner can stay at home. I think your MIL sounds pretty pathetic to be honest.

Having said that, she is the middle and may be fighting your corner with her partner more than you realise

Good luck and have a great holiday x

If she wrote back and said, no, can't stay longer, and don't even give a reason, I'd be happy with that. I think that's reasonable to ask.

You said yourself she doesn't deal well with confrontation. Perhaps she felt (especially since she was struggling with something else at the time) that saying 'no' wouldnt be ok. We all deal with stuff badly from time to time. Perhaps she felt it wasn't a 'why don't you stay longer next time' type email. Perhaps she felt it was a 'you must stay longer this time'

You say your dh has the same weakness. Why are you still with him if you find this trait so awful? Surely if you can deal with him being like this, you can deal with mil being like this.

Being mad at her partner is fine. Being mad at her for not confronting the issue, when your dh didn't either, isn't reasonable.

The Zika emails sound like she was worried. For whatever reason doubted your source but after questioning once, decided to leave it. It sounds like the end of a conversation. Not ignoring.

I fail to see how someone you barely have a relationship with, expressing concern about where you are going, can ruin a trip.

You do sound very melodramatic about it all.

Fwiw I am not very close with my pil. They rarely visit, don't really enquire after the kids etc. Dh has some issues with them. I let him deal with it. I am not going to get arsey on his his behalf. They are his parents and let him deal with it how he wants.

Sending her an email telling her how you are angry at how she dealt with a situation, when your dh isn't dealing with it either will just cause further problems. As would defriending her.

And isn't helping at all.

YABU! You sound hard work

OP I think you need to be a bit more accepting of other people. It sounds like you are quite sensitive which is a lovely quality to have but some people aren't and you have to take them at face value.
Try to accept that you and your MIL are different people and the relationship you have is the one you've got. Don't send any extra emails or stir up any more issues, if she comes for a week every now and again then fine, she's the one missing out on relationship with her grandchildren but live and let live.
Her partner sounds like she isn't very nice but try to rise above it

YABU... And slightly unhinged.

No no no no, no email. There is honestly no issue here between you and her. There is a problem with DH and his family but that is for him to tackle or ignore as he sees fit. MIL hasn't done anything to you to warrant you getting involved. Don't make things worse

It's awkward the mil/dil relationship. I would never choose to be friends with my mil- she's not my type of person. Yet, we've been pushed together by another influence (marriage) and we have to get along (on the surface). In reality she annoys me to high heaven. But I would never unfriend her on fb. That would just open a can of worms.

The way my mil has treated me -- if that was a normal relationship, I would have cut ties years ago. But unfortunately I can't and I'm still having to come to terms with that.

I'm in the process of writing an email to MIL now. I think what I need to do is to let her know the things that have been festering in the past five years. Whether she accepts it or responds doesn't matter, but at least it's out in the open

I really wouldn't do that. You're coming across as unhinged.

I knew someone like that, she would email me ranting about every little thing that upset her thinking it was best it was out in the open. I keep very low contact with her these days.

I hope you haven't sent the email..

I doubt she would be able to do anything right..If she came longer she would be in danger of overstaying her welcome..

Everything she does wrong is amplified in your mind. I see nothing to gain by emailing what I really can't see as issues.

She may well of been worried about the health of her grandchildren ...I think you need to focus on how you let this stuff go because if you read the responses they are real none issues.