To ask if men have 'Wendys'?

[spamten]

I just wondered whether men have their own version of a 'Wendy'. I see on so many threads on MN things like "I think I'm being Wendied" - or "she sounds like a Wendy" etc etc. Do men have this phenomenon? If so, what is their 'Wendy' called ?
Would you be surprised if your OH came home one evening after a night out or whatever, and you asked him if he'd had a good day and he said "Not really, I think I'm being Garied" .

Does it seem funny to picture this scenario?

I think the type of man who would 'wendy' someone js more likely to do it to women than other men.

Company that can mean one of two things!

Do you mean trollied on pills (Gary Ablett- tablet)?

I was not aware of that LikeDylan

Actually one of the lads I lived with at Uni did all kinds of sneaky stuff to oust another lad from our group, giving him the wrong meet up location for instance (this was pre mobile). He never succeeded because most of the rest of us quite liked the lad.

Interestingly we were aware of it but never called him on it; it was only recently when reminiscing we even discussed what a devious little sod he was. I think we thought it was up to the lads to invite along the lads.

I'm still in touch with the excluded boy but not the devious one though.

CompanyOfCats - I think I can guess what you mean!

LikeDylan - I lolled at the first part of your post!

Such an interesting thread, especially the definition of 'Rod'.

I was a Wendy by accident I think. Friend A and I had always had a very complicated not very pleasant almost toxic friendship, the sort I had when I was younger but know to run a mile from now. She introduced me to her old friend, B, and we hit it off instantly and spent a lot of time together without A because of similar interests, and for me it was more fun without A's quasi-toxic presence. A was really upset about it, and I felt bad when I realised, but was closer to B.

A decade has passed and I'm still friends with B and not in touch with A and am not sure how to feel about my shameful Wendy past. I do feel bad though, especially when I was able to give it a name and read threads about how bad A must have felt. But, at the same time, am grateful both for B's friendship and that I am no longer friends with A.

I need to read the "Rod" forum! Can someone PM me a link?

I've also seen "Helen-ed" here, what's that? Is it the same as Wendy-ed?

But Random, there was nothing to stop A&B continuing to be friends if it didn't gel for you as a group of three.

That's partly what I don't understand about the "Wendy" thing-how/why do the others let "Wendy" take over & push their original friend out?

I can understand if the whole new group doesn't gel, or even splits slightly, but to totally push one person out?

I don't get that.

I think it’s a bit harsh to suggest that men have/are simpler with their friendships and interaction with each other, I’m picking up a slight undertone that simpler = less intelligent.

I‘ve hung around quite a few blokes during my time in virtually all male groups and they’re just as bonkers and full of shit as we can be. I think it just manifests itself in differing ways. I’ve noticed quite differing levels of emotional connection/discussion depending on the size of the group. When it’s groups of 3 or more the group dynamic is more humour led, whether mercilessly harsh banter or self-depreciation. I’ve heard the most brutal of piss taking that I know my girlfriends would not stand for and would probably never speak to that person again! Yet the guys love it and carry on. I think some of it may be a defence mechanism, I’ve never really heard deep emotional conversations when it’s larger groups, they can have very in-depth intellectual discussions about anything but it seems emotional/personal stuff is off limits unless talking virtually one on one.

Where I’m going with this is that because there’s none of the personal emotional involvement in groups they deal with transient friendships more easily, thus wendying doesn’t occur to the same level. They don’t tend to take it so personally and get affronted. New guys are generally taken in with open arms and immediately set upon with light banter to test where they are as such. Where I have encountered trouble is when one of the guys gets a new girlfriend and she joins the group and sees me as some threat, I’ve noticed that women don’t really like other women being friends with men in their own circles, maybe a bit of a queen bee syndrome, I dunno.

I know the line between banter and bullying can be easily blurred and naturally in some male groups some people are overly singled out. I think that’s mainly due to the bully being a complete c**t rather than men as a whole are bullies, most of the time it seems to be well received.

There’s quite a bit of front to be seen as a ‘real man’ and I’ve defo noticed emotional problems tend to be massively understated less the guy be seen as weak, only 1-1 does that stuff tend to get mentioned and even then it’s still understated.

I’ve not really noticed a deep fascination for talking about the other sex other than passing references and banter to a woman being ‘fit’ or ‘worth one’ etc, I think to go any deep is opening up emotional off limits territory. Most of the conversations I saw were deeply based in science, politics, sport, and current events. The football and birds ‘brigade’ certainly didn’t exist in my circles.

Then again they might be all putting on a front in front of me and they’re all shallow w**kers in private :-)

I am envious they can greet each other with ‘Hello f**kface, your mom recovered after last night?’…..I get sick of this French kissing and hugging with the girls.

Of course male "Wendies" exist, it's just that male behaviour is labelled differently.

The idea that men are somehow above this sort of carry on (they aren't) is in itself rather sexist and says a lot about how men and women are perceived - a quick read of the Relationships board on here will demonstrate that men are just as capable of emotional abuse and manipulation as women.

An ex-boyfriend of mine was a classic 'Rod'. Most of his previous conquests had been women with boyfriends/husbands who he'd had affairs with then dumped once their male partner discovered it. He really got a kick out of the thrill of 'taking another man's woman'. Can't believe I've never heard the term before, it makes total sense!

(We spit up for other reasons but I was in no doubt that sooner or later he would have found another woman to 'Rod' with).

I agree with you flippinada that men are just as likely to engage in manipulative behaviour as women. But my observation is that the men who do so tend to prefer targeting women and less so other men with their awful behaviour.

I've observed this in work friendship groups especially. I'm in a tech/creative field where most of us freelance so colleagues constantly shifting and everyone knows everyone eventually. There are a few terrible men who always cause strife but they rub along all right with the other men and tend to do most of their manipulation and backstabbing and 'do you know what she said about you' gossip (MASSIVE gossips) to female colleagues.

One difference may be that men value the 'longevity' of a friendship rather than the 'emotional closeness' of one, so the 'Wendy' mechanics don't apply directly.

An ex-boyfriend of mine was a classic 'Rod'.

Why do I imagine he looks like this:

Somerville yes, I see what you mean. Based on the description of Wendies, my XP is a classic case. He created havoc in just about every friendship group he joined - his worst behaviour was definitely reserved for me though.

Do you think wendying happens alot among "mum" friendship groups, because women are in a vulnerable position of feeling they "need" friends at that stage in life. A bit like people do at school or Uni?

So It's not just women per se, but the situation?

Other thoughts -
There s a male queen bee at my work who is awful for hoovering people he wants to collect into his circle and showing distain for others.

My Df is a bloke who struggles with friendships imo and often fknds himself the laughing stock of the group, or on it's fringes. He has had some quite incredibly bitchy friends over the years especially where a local sport's club has been the basis for the friendship.

Not wendying per se I guess.

Might have been why I split from him LikeDylan

MLG that's rotten, your poor DF.

I think when men behave badly (which they do) in friendship groups, it's just given a different and less pejorative label.

I do often read threads on here where I end up thinking 'are we the same species?' Because the posters experiences with 'friendships' is so different to my own (as a male)

I am mid-50's, my close male mates have been close for 40+ years, they need no maintenance. Other than my DW, I have a female friend I have known for 30+ years. I meet and get on well with people at work, but they are acquaintances, I invest no effort into them other than to meet up for the occasional beer.

Friendships should not be hard work

Interesting post Gemma

From my non peer reviewed non scientific observations I think that men tend to have fewer aquaintances but several very close male friends that they socialise with or can rely on in times of crises. Women in contrast will have a wide circle of acquaintances but only a handful of 'best friends' and tend to get a bit more territorial if those best friends start spending time with new people. I don't get upset if I find out some of my close friends have hooked up without me or have started to socialise with new people, where as on here you often seen AIBU threads about people upset that they were not invited out to one off drinks or a BBQ. Sure if I noticed a pattern of not being invited to anything over a period of time I would be a bit miffed but it seems on here at times that offence is taken very early on.

Some of this is hilarious, my eyes have been opened to the world of wendying, garying and now "Rod"

That is exactly what I imagine Rod's to look like likeDylan

And I only clicked because I'm hungry and thought it may be about burgers.

Thanks flippin. I was quite sad for him typing it actually!

I think DH was Wendied. He had a really good old school friend he worked with, then a distant old colleague of his joined too and they all got on..
Then A would bitch about B to DH, then B would bitch about A, never ending but nice as pie to their faces and DH would keep the peace. We lent A some cash, small amount months before, then B called around needing (!!!) £10k or he'd lose his house! DH said no. A and B then worked all weekend, DH went in on the Monday and it was silence. Not a fucking word was said to him. By Wednesday DH had had enough, fucked off and resigned. Neither of them have spoken to him since.

I truly hope that B's wife finds out about him shagging the sandwich maker and the woman on another reception that put in a sexual harassment complaint about him - not forgetting his long term affair from years back.

Yes, some people just aren't very nice - with the emphasis on people. It really irritates me when things like this are presented as an exclusively female attribute (they usually mean an inferior one), with all that implies.

Now I come to think of it, there's a male "Wendy" type in my office.