To ask if men have 'Wendys'?

[spamten]

I just wondered whether men have their own version of a 'Wendy'. I see on so many threads on MN things like "I think I'm being Wendied" - or "she sounds like a Wendy" etc etc. Do men have this phenomenon? If so, what is their 'Wendy' called ?
Would you be surprised if your OH came home one evening after a night out or whatever, and you asked him if he'd had a good day and he said "Not really, I think I'm being Garied" .

Does it seem funny to picture this scenario?

I've witnessed Wendying among 5/6 year old boys.

Also, I have realised I'm at risk of "womansplaining"

Thank you Greengager for including the original 'Wendy' thread. I was curious to know when it dated from, for some reason I expected it to go back earlier than 2014....

I just asked DH and after I'd explained what a Wendy was, he said 'yes, men have them too'. He thinks it's a personality type so you find them across both sexes.

I ready the title 'do men have wendys' and thought Wendy might be some nauseatingly twee euphemism for female genitalia.

But no, I can honestly say I've never been wendied, met a male Wendy or wendied anyone else. I don't hang around in large groups of male friends. I did have a situation where I've met a couple and have had far more in common with and enjoyed the company of the female part of the couple far more than the male half (no romantic attraction I hasten to add) which was weirdly awkward for reasons I can't quite fathom.

DP says he's not noticed wendying as like you say they keep friendships simple and don't tend to be overly involved... What they usually are instead though is in your face teasing and piss taking, and everyone gets it! I've sat among a lot of male groups of friends and always thought how harsh it can be So I think they can have their negative sides too, but more obvious instead of the subtle passive aggressive wendying etc.

"usually one man accepts that in order to be a member of the group he accepts that he's the laughing stock of it that kind of thing."

Yes, absolutely Eversongbird Men have a whole vocabulary of friendly/aggressive gestures to display and maintain dominance within friendship groups.

See also: competitive banter, slightly too vigorous "play fighting", subtle physical aggression like standing too close or overly physical hand shakes or backslapping.

DH is friends with a recently transitioned transman and has had to explain this stuff to him. Some of the body language that read as friendly/flirty from a woman (standing close and casually touching)- was coming across as aggressive from a man. DH had to say "your going to get into fights, acting like that"

I don't think men display social dominance by manipulating relationships though- which is what Wendying is all about.

My husband was demi-Wendied. He brought someone into a friendship group. This person was quite flaky about stuff, would say he was coming to nights out and then not show, or not reply to texts at all. My husband got fed up and stopped texting him so he now contacts the others behind dh's back. He also goes out with others in the group without dh.

Dh isn't too bothered as his friends haven't excluded him. I think it's rude though - maybe that comes from a female perspective.

I've met a male Wendy and watched him fuck up a group of male friends

Like female Wendy's, he was confident and the centre of attention, but underneath that he was very insecure. The men he ostracised were always the ones that weren't so impressed and admiring of his 'banter'. He also screwed their wives, it seemed part of the conquest of his former friends, so perhaps a 'Rod' is actually a male Wendy.

He got through a few guys in the group before they wised up and turned on him, but the broken marriages did not recover

Men of my generation generally don't Wendy each other. It would be considered a twat's trick, and within my group of friends, the individual would be told in no uncertain terms. However, I am 50, and I've had more or less the same group of 10 friends since school. It may be different for the Facey-Bebo generation, or for those with less long-term friendships.

And to dispel another myth, we do talk about stuff other than football - though only in the summer obviously. Family, relationships, kids, future plans, cars.....we are quite versatile really, and quite caring.

Oh, and I am on the 'Rod' forum as well. I will report back that you are onto us...... I'd say that there is the same degree of misogyny on there as there is misandy on here, i.e. it is all fairly superficial. For example we have our own version of LTB.

Yes they can! I worked with one. He would do it with individual staff. Became a good 'friend' to them, then would drop little bits of poison into other staff member's ears. The person, on one occasion me , would wonder way the staff had 'went off her', so rely on him as a friend until he would drop them. I realised what happened when I saw him doing the same to another staff member. Took a long time for people to realise what he was doing. It's harder to catch on to a male Wendy, because we're conditioned to expect only females to be sly and bitchy.

They absolutely do exist - my DP has been wendied! Slightly different as he didn't bring the chap into the friendship group and he does still see his friends but this guy manages to weasel his way into everything so he doesn't often get to see any friends on their own any more.

I think some people are being a bit reductive about male friendship - men are not simple creatures as some people seem to be implying and there's often quite a lot going on under the surface of friendships, I think they are just often less willing or able to analyse it in the way that women do.

Not read the whole thread, but men can definitely be bitchy but it just doesn't tend to be labelled that way in a man. I can think of about three of my female friends where her partner is bitchier than she is, ie will make bitchy comments or behave in a childish way, eg. Giving someone the cold shoulder. In young boys too bitchy comments/behaviour don't tend to be labelled as bitchy.

This is fascinating. I'd say round here the friendship dynamics between the men are much more complicated than the women. I've not seen any Wendying, but then haven't done with women either - but it's far more likely that a pub visit etc will be complicated by 'Can't invite X because they won't want to be there with Y' if there are men involved.

It's harder to catch on to a male Wendy, because we're conditioned to expect only females to be sly and bitchy.
I think that's true. It shouldn't be a surprise that there are male Wendies because the infiltration and manipulation are similar to EA and the Relationship board proves men are capable of EA.

I've heard of one male Wendy but it was only from the perspective of the person being wendied - i didn't see the scenario for itself.

I was interested to read the term, it's unnervingly a bit of a relief to know this is an actual thing common enough to have a name as i've been through it myself and it is/was awful.

It definitely happens in schools and universities amongst boys. I think as men get older, male Wendys often find joint sex friendship groups more enticing, and do it through a woman in the group - by 'stealing' a girlfriend and therefore dumped boyfriend leaving the group.

So a Rod is a Wendy.

Just to clarify 'Rod', as pertaining to the other forum - Rod is usually either a work colleague of the female, or an acquaintance made on an all-female jaunt, e.g. a hen party or all-women's holiday. Rarely, if ever, is he already known to the male in the relationship - until it's too late! The shorthand for this is that the male victim has been 'Rodded'.

Why was the name "Wendy" used for this?

Also, what is so fabulous about the Wendy that the introducer gets pushed aside?

Does it not mean that the others aren't really your friends?

Is a thread which I can start with "as a man"?

I certainly have not seen or heard of the Wendy phenomenon amongst male friendship circles. Sure you get a natural waxing and waning of various social groups over time but that rarely involves any external influence of a 'Wendy/Gary'

Generally if someone new joins a social group and straight away starts to bitch or try and steer opinion against a bloke who is already part of that circle they will be called out on it. It's odd amongst men insofar that the piss taking between close friends can be absolutely brutal with very few areas being off limits but the key being you have to have earned that right over the years through developing a trusting bond, you can't just rock up to a new group and start making cutting remarks without being told to fuck off.

I Have to confess to not quite understanding how easy it seems for 'Wendying' to take place amongst women and leads me to believe that perhaps that friendship group was not particularly strong to begin with if it can turn on itself with a bit of bitchy persuasion from a new 'alpha female' addition.

Maybe not wendied, but I don't buy that men's friendships are shallow and easy. Some are, but I've certainly seen rivalry between old and new friends in DH's friendship group, although in that case it was the new friend putting down DH and taking every opportunity to point out occasions where DH hadn't attended. There are insecure men out there just as there as insecure women. (His name was Colin - doesn't lend itself to being made into a verb like Gary though!)

Anyone else intrigued about the "Rod" group that takes the piss out of Mumsnet? I really want to have a nosey around it.

Pan, your experience sounds similar to mine. I do think this may be a generational thing though - social media seems to bring out the worst in some people for feuding and bullying, and I don't believe it is confined to women and girls. I can see how younger men and boys might get into this sort of faceless undermining.

I've been Garied. But not in the way that you mean