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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WAS I WRONG TO SHOUT BACK AT WORK BULLY

125 replies

user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 18:09

Today I did something that I probably should not have done as it is totally out of character for me. I have been in my job for just over 4 years which has been made miserable by the work bully. I did tell my Manager and the Area Manager 3 years ago and they spoke to the bully. Well since then I have had to speak to my Manager a further 3 times about the bully's behaviour. Today though after keeping quiet for 4 years I stood up for myself and shouted back at the bully and told her she has a attitude problem and is very rude and I will be telling Area Manager of her poor behaviour towards me. She said to me I just spoke to you nicely but I told her not to look at me and to go away and leave me alone. I told my Manager as she asked me what had happened and I explained to her what happened leading up to me shouting back at her. She then straight away got on the phone to Area Manager and told her about situation. My Manager last time I told her said she is on my side and if next time the bully bothers me she will tell Area Manager to sort things out. Was I in the wrong for speaking out and shouting at the Bully?

OP posts:
Tunafishandlions · 14/09/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladybirdbookworm · 14/09/2016 18:49

I don't think you were wrong to shout - good for you
She obviously hasn't improved her behaviour towards you when you have tried to deal with it reasonably.
FlowersMaybe a short sharp shock will do the trick

Original poster
user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 18:51

If my Manager says to me tomorrow have you calmed down now what is the best way to respond to this comment?

She said it to me last time as well.

OP posts:
Seekingadvice123 · 14/09/2016 18:52

YANBU.... I would have done the same in your circumstances.... sounds like you are totally ground down with it. You are only human.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2016 18:55

I can certainly understand you doing it, but it's unprofessional to shout at anyone in the workplace.

Now, if you took them outside and let them (verbally) 'have it', that's another thing! But I expect that sort of thing wouldn't be acceptable now. Used to happen all the time where I worked back in the late 70s - early 80s. I remember our manager telling us to 'take it to the alley' when there were disagreements. As an all female staff, there were no fisticuffs, just heated arguments and tears.

I hope that your Area Manager (AM) has received an unbiased version of events since you say that Bully and Boss are 'friends'. In fact, since they are friends, are you sure the Boss actually told your AM? If I were you, I'd sit down and write a calm statement of facts regarding the incident with as little 'emotive language' as possible to take in with me tomorrow.

oldlaundbooth · 14/09/2016 18:55

Make sure you have representation in the meeting with the boss and the bully.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 18:56

The Boss has told my Area Manager as another work colleague heard her call her up

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/09/2016 18:57

From what you're saying, Bully shouted at you first. If so, can't see a problem. I wish I'd shouted at my work bully. I was a total wuss and ended up resigning and it still stings after many years.

Your employer knew about the bullying and hasn't done anything about it, so they're in the wrong morally (don't know about legally). Tomorrow I'd make it - very politely - clear that you expect your Manager and the Area Manager to sort the situation out for you, because they both know it has gone on far too long.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 18:59

I did actually say today to my Boss that whatever she has said and done has not worked with the Bully and that she has to do something because I can't take it no more and she refuses to leave me alone. Plus I did say to the Bully that I myself will be telling Area Manager about her behaviour towards me myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 19:00

This is the first time in 4 years that I have said something back to the Bully.

OP posts:
DavidPuddy · 14/09/2016 19:01

I say good for you.

Who cares if it's not the done thing, neither is her behaviour. Being polite for four years hasn't resolved anything, maybe this will.

GabsAlot · 14/09/2016 19:02

i wold escalate it to am yourself

theyre clearly bias as your boss is her friend

go above them

confuugled1 · 14/09/2016 19:05

I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of 'I was fine, thank you, until you said that. It's a very patronising and demeaning phrase to use in the circumstances because it leads me to feel that you don't understand the seriousness of the problems I've had with Bully over the past 4 years, and - in part - yesterday was a reaction to the culmination of that problem'.

But that sounds a bit forced and pompous so I'd try and say something like that but a bit better!

Duckafuck · 14/09/2016 19:05

Just reply to your Boss, 'I'm fine thank you, I'm glad I've finally stood up to Bully. Have you decided on a course of action to deal with her behaviour towards me?"

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/09/2016 19:05

If my Manager says to me tomorrow have you calmed down now what is the best way to respond to this comment?

My response would be "no, I have not, I have endured four years of bullying, I have reported it and nothing appears to have been done, the situation is intolerable for me".

Don't let them make this about you!!!!

MLGs · 14/09/2016 19:11

The thing js, when you get bullied you become more sensitive to anything the bully does, and react more quickly and more strongly to anything they do/say.

This can result in you shouting even though you know it is unprofessional.

A bit like being in an ea relationship.

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2016 19:15

Not wrong to shout if you've had a lot of grief off someone and they've been told and kept doing it.

Re "I know Area Manager will be in to sort things out between us. Do you think I could get fired? My husband said to me good for you for shouting back and so do my work colleagues as well."

And me too, good for you, this person has bullied you for years. If you are dismissed then sue them and if you get to the point where you can't take it anymore and leave, sue for constructive dissmissal, or whatever it's called. If you boss is friendly with this person she or he is not the right person to tackle them about this, clearly their efforts failed so hopefully the Area person can do better. If not, desire how to play this, ignore any comments shouted at, ignore any comments not directly related to work. It makes for a grim work life and I'd be tempted to go elsewhere but I would also be tempted put in a formal complaint against this person.

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2016 19:21

"If my Manager says to me tomorrow have you calmed down now what is the best way to respond to this comment?"

I would say I am very calm, thank you, but I am also angry that my complaints have not been taken seriously, that a colleague has been allowed to bully me and that the person who should have supported me, has not."

Then I would take it up with area manager, ask for an independent person to be in the meeting.

To be honest unless you love your job I would be looking for a different one and I would be making it very clear to this bully that you do not give a flying fuck for their thoughts and opinions. To be honest they sound unhinged and your boss should have addressed this years ago (like when you first mentioned it).

You may win out in the end but work will be grim so be ready to go elsewhere if you wish to, life is too short for this sort of shit. Bless you. XXXXX Thanks

chicknquack · 14/09/2016 19:26

If my manager said to me "have you calmed down" I'd say "this is not about me calming down it is about stopping the unreasonable behaviour. I'd like to make a formal complaint." (and make sure to say it in a calm sensible voice)

Teddy1970 · 14/09/2016 19:27

It's not been dealt with properly by your managers OP, so I'm not surprised you snapped, there's only so much a person can take day in day out.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2016 19:38

I think you need to come up with some suggestions as to how the bullying can be resolved in your meeting with the managers. This will show you are willing to be adult about the situation and are serious about your job. Can you be moved away from the person? work on different projects?

I sympathise but there is a danger that management will say you two 'clash' and thus make you both redundant. If you are on a temporary contract or work through an agency, you're on shaky ground.

Try to keep the moral high ground and keep calm when stating your case.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 14/09/2016 19:41

What chicknquack said is a really good answer IMO :-).

There was someone at work who used to shout at me; one day I shouted back at about the same volume, and he looked stunned, and the office went silent (my desk was in another room). I thought all the other people thought it was awful of me, but next time I went in, he wasn't there, and several people said 'your certainly told him - good for you, about time someone did'.

I think in a perfect world, I'd just say 'stop shouting please, it's not appropriate ', and repeat until they did, but I don't think you shouting back, once, is that bad at all.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 14/09/2016 19:41

Well Bully is a Assistant Manager and I am a Permanent Employee so none of us are temporary or working through a agency. Would her position go more in her favour so they would believe her more or would they be more likely to see my point of view

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 14/09/2016 19:44

Wrong to shout my arse! She had it coming so do not worry. You have grounds for provocation by the sounds of it

I'd like to have seen the look on her face........

GarlicMist · 14/09/2016 19:46

Another big hand-shake from me.

I really regret not shouting, big time, at my boss who was perfectly happy to shout insults at me. One of the other guys, after bloody years of this, told me he was my boss's target until he grabbed him by the throat and pinned him against a wall!

The view from the moral high ground isn't all it's cracked up to be - and it's true that most bullies only understand bullying.

Don't let your manager off the hook tomorrow, either. Solid suggestions above about what to say.

Stand up for yourself, and then win! Flowers

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