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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband hates sharing savings details with me

40 replies

StressedOne · 14/09/2016 12:26

Husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 1 child. We have separate bank accounts and currently saving for a house deposit. Whenever I ask him how much money he has in total (he has lots of accounts and an ISA) he either doesn't tell me or tells me then moans that I am always asking him, I probably ask every few months just to gauge how much we have. We have never sat down and worked out a savings plan (we normally have quite a bit left over after bills etc) or discussed income and outgoings - I know some people have spreadsheets and record everything. I just want to know so I have an idea of how much mony we have, but he hates talking about it- Does this happen with anybody else?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 14/09/2016 12:39

He is happy to have sex with you and have a kid with you, but won't share the essential information you need to ensure security for that kid? If anything happens to him what are you supposed to do?

ask him straight why he won't have a full partnership with you. Is he worried you will spend it all? Doesn't he trust you?

BTW wills? Guardianship arrangements? power of attorney?

mummymeister · 14/09/2016 12:41

No it doesn't. if you are saving for a house deposit then it makes sense to work out how much you can save and how much you are saving so that you have some best guess as to when you will have saved enough.

he might have lots of accounts and an ISA but you are married and therefore this does now all fall into a family pot in my opinion. do you have any of these things or do you think that you are saving a disproportionate amount in comparison to him? does he realise that there are reasons why you need to know about these accounts ie if anything were to happen to him or if your relationship broke down?

I can understand people wanting their own money to spend on their own things but when it comes to savings, isa's etc then I think both parties have to know the score.

redexpat · 14/09/2016 12:47

He doesnt want to tell you about his money because he thinks of it as his.

JennyOnAPlate · 14/09/2016 12:49

Maybe point out to him that the money is half yours, even if your name isn't on the account!

Original poster

StressedOne · 14/09/2016 12:49

To answer some points, we both have ISAs and both earn about the same so are therefore probably saving about the same. He got life insurance a few weeks back and made a will - I haven't done either yet just out of laziness.
He is really good with our child, and helps around the house etc it is just this one thing that drives me mad about him. He did once say that he wanted to surprise me by telling me he had saved the deposit, but not sure how true that was as I had kept on at him about savings! Bills wise we share the costs equally. I think what annoys me the most is he wont sit down and go through the finances properly and make some sort of plan.

OP posts:

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:50

Get your name on every single account and access details to all of it.

Massive bad sign for him to be hiding all the money from you.

SpaceUnicorn · 14/09/2016 12:58

Get your name on every single account and access details to all of it.

Why? OP says they both have their own savings and bank accounts, so it's not like he's hoarding all the money and being financially controlling.

Massive bad sign for him to be hiding all the money from you

He's not, he's being secretive about his savings in his account, not "hiding all of the money"

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/09/2016 13:09

Is he the sort of man who may well want to surprise you by having saved the deposit? Dh and I have separate accounts but he knows exactly how much I have in savings (he has none in his name as I earn more, but he has equal knowledge and say over how money is spent and we're in the process of making my savings account into a joint one). If he's a decent guy in other ways, maybe he's genuinely wanting to surprise you.

Fizzer123 · 14/09/2016 13:35

Sounds like he thinks of it as just his own.
Tell him you are starting a spreadsheet to list all of your individual accounts and balances. You will need him to bring his statements so there's no hiding balances, the reason for this is so you can both get a clear picture
I guess he will not like this at all, start making excuses / refusal. you will need to have it out with him.

HereIAm20 · 14/09/2016 13:37

If he is hiding what is actually in it chances are he has secret accounts too and that would ring alarm bells as to why. (Hiding affair expenses, escape fund, potential divorce in future with assets hid).

Even if couples have separate accounts surely they generally know their worth?

Cheerybigbottom · 14/09/2016 13:49

I'm sorry but I'd be concerned the savings were not there at all. In my family there was a divorce where husband found out afterwards the wife had been putting household bills on credit cards in order to spend the cash on herself, then stashing the goods she'd bought.

mouldycheesefan · 14/09/2016 13:51

No, our savings account is joint.
Suggest you move to joint savings account with equal access " for richer for poorer"

GingerbreadCake · 14/09/2016 13:53

Are you a bit of a spender? In the past I've had to keep the amount I have from previous partners as they they see it as their money to go and spend. Do you think he's worried about this?

Original poster

StressedOne · 15/09/2016 23:26

Thanks all, think I will leave it until I have a bit more saved then suggest we speak to a financial advisor i.e mortgages (my aunt gave me the number for one), that way he will have to prove how much hes got in order to get the mortgage.

And no, I am not a spender - the opposite in fact.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 15/09/2016 23:29

I'm guessing he doesn't have anything, or very little, saved.

BadLad · 16/09/2016 14:54

we both have ISAs and both earn about the same so are therefore probably saving about the same.

Sorry but the former being true in no way makes the latter "therefore probable".

2014newme · 16/09/2016 14:56

Dh, how near are we to being able to apply for mortgage? I have £10k saved up. How about you?
Why can't you ask that? Very odd

AnUtterIdiot · 16/09/2016 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesilverglitter · 16/09/2016 15:05

As you keep your accounts separate you don't need your name on his accounts as pp suggested unless you was to add his name to your accounts too BUT as you are planning to buy the house in joint names? He should give you a figure of how far he is with his side of the savings.

Just say to him "we need to get on this buying a house thing, the deposit would be roughly X I have X amount saved what do you have saved? "

Are you positive he wants to buy a property?

Cabrinha · 16/09/2016 15:07

Given what you've said about equal earnings and splitting outgoings, then I expect that he's not saving as much as you think!

Why don't you work out what is realistic and both save it to a joint account (Help to Buy ISA?) then you have instant information.

If I were him and you were asking All The Time I supposed I might get irritated.

FinallyHere · 16/09/2016 15:10

Why would you need to consult , and pay for, a financial advisor, in order to get a mortgage? Try doing some research yourself on best buy mortgages then contact the providers direct.

You mention that you have not discussed a savings plan with your partner: why is that? If you have a clear goal, for buying a house, why wouldn't you agree together how much you can save, over what period of time? Just wonderin'

Trojanhorsebox · 16/09/2016 15:15

I wouldn't want to be jointly liable for a mortgage with someone who wasn't honest with me about their finances - I'd be worried about losing my home to their gambling debt or something. The fact someone has a good income does not say anything about their outgoings, including debt.

Fine to have separate accounts, not fine to be looking at having joint debt and responsibility without transparency.

Bailey101 · 16/09/2016 17:08

It sounds like he's not saving as much as he wants you to think - has he ever been into things like gambling that may have spiralled into a problem?

I would be very wary about taking out a mortgage with someone who won't share their financial status with you. It's bad enough to find out that your partner can't pay the rent, it would be even worse to find out that they'd spent all the savings and secured loans on the house you own.

RainyDayBear · 16/09/2016 17:51

I definitely would be suspicious - I'd probably approach it in a "look if you haven't saved much that's fine, but I'd like to know roughly so we can plan for the house". We have all joint finances, I know some people like to keep them separate, but I like that I know to the penny exactly what we have in savings.

Ifonlyiweretaller · 16/09/2016 19:08

I'm surprised that he's made a will, but you haven't. Surely you should be talking this through together and making wills that at least reflect each others wishes for your child should the worst happen...,

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