Husband hates sharing savings details with me

[StressedOne]

Husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 1 child. We have separate bank accounts and currently saving for a house deposit. Whenever I ask him how much money he has in total (he has lots of accounts and an ISA) he either doesn't tell me or tells me then moans that I am always asking him, I probably ask every few months just to gauge how much we have. We have never sat down and worked out a savings plan (we normally have quite a bit left over after bills etc) or discussed income and outgoings - I know some people have spreadsheets and record everything. I just want to know so I have an idea of how much mony we have, but he hates talking about it- Does this happen with anybody else?

It's ringing bells with me. He's spent it.

Not mirror wills? More ringing bells

I really hope I'm wrong x

No it's not normal OP, I would pick your moment, set up a "meeting" time that he agrees to, to make a plan. And then look him full in the face and say clearly, "how do you think we can move forward with a property purchase, if you won't tell me how much money we have?"

It is literally Step 1 in a very, very long process and if you can't even get over this hurdle, you won't ever be able to buy your own place. It is as simple as that.

So I suggest you put that to him in very simple terms and see what he says.

I didn't think people lived like this - one the other end of the spectrum, my OH doesn't know passwords of any accounts, gets given a % of his wage and I have all credit cards.

Oh yes, I had this with an ex. We were bot saving for a deposit for our first home together. He was always defensive when I asked how his savings were going.

When D day came, he had to sheepishly tell me that not only did he have no fucking savings, what he did have was a load of debt.

If only MN had been around then!!

Hoping his several accounts aren't credit cards etc Are they savings accounts? There's no reason to have more than a couple of current accounts imo unless you're dealing with large sums of money or debt

My DP earns more than 3x I do, I have no savings and he has a fair bit. We have separate bank accounts but have no bother just chatting about the amounts in both, even when mine is in overdraft

I'd say you need his statements for "insert mortgage related purpose" and see if he gives you them all. OP do you know how many accounts he has and with whom?

How has he unilaterally made a will? You have children, you need mirror wills, and you need to plan for if one if you goes first, or both together, including naming guardians for you child.

Maybe he genuinely wants to surprise you. I was saving all the time for our children's college fees but never told Dh. He was also saving and l knew that. When it came time to go I produced my savings and we now match euro for Euro. My Dh was thrilled as it has made his savings go twice as far. My Dh is self employed and his way of handling finances in a business is so different from mine as a regular worker that we couldn't have an account together.

Tbf, he isn't keeping it a secret.
You say you ask him every few months how much he has and he either won't say or he does, but complains that you're asking.
If every few months means as much as every other month, I might feel a bit badgered. Surely if he has told you sometimes, you have a bit of a handle on how much they're going up by? Why are you asking him all the time?

I don't understand why between you you wouldn't work out the deposit you need, work out who is saving what each month and then put it into a joint account.

Use a free aggregate financial site like MoneyDashboard or Mint to list all of your accounts together in one place. Then you can always see what the other has (and is spending money on). My DH and I use it and think it's great, and it makes budgeting a breeze.

happypoobum exactly this. Have experienced this to a lesser extent with DH. (Secret credit card debt) OP, please confront him now rather than later. If there is a black hole in his finances I.e. credit cards and no savings, don't wait for it to get any larger. What's more important, stroking his ego or a massive spiralling debt? The longer the situation goes on, if there is a debt, or zero savings, he'll become even more defensive and ashamed etc. Arguments and resentment will get even worse. Confront now before it gets any worse.

I think he's hiding something and his making a will and having life insurance without you doing it too seems a bit odd. Wouldn't you both do that together? Or at least discuss it?

I do know that I once hid some debt from my hubby and would get defensive when he asked anything about money...

Agree with AnyTheWiser how has your DH had a will created without your involvement? Surely safeguarding your child is paramount.

Also if you earn the same and finances are reliant on both salaries you should both have life insurance.

These factors would make me uneasy and in your position OP I would want an open & frank conversation and jointly setting some transparent goals for saving.

Also, try to get to the route of his issue regards openness re: savings, maybe an old hang up?

I think we're all speculating about your DH's reason for finding the requests annoying, perhaps you could ask him what's up instead? Could just be that it's a hassle collating the information when it's likely to be similar to the last time you asked. Maybe he'd be willing to share the log in details so you could check yourself.