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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't be going on hols with friends summer after baby is born?

33 replies

pinkglasgow23 · 13/09/2016 22:18

My boyfriend and I are due our first baby in January, it was unplanned and a big shock for us both. He's come to terms with it and is looking forward to being a dad but I think hes also worried about losing his freedom etc which is normal.

Anyway, he keeps talking about how him and his friends were discussing holidays to Croatia/Ibiza next summer. At first i didnt take much notice because I thought it was just talk but now he talks about it more and more? First of all, there's no way he can afford all these, not with a new baby! Secondly, my mum and extended family have booked a nice house for a week down south next July and invited us to come too, but hes complaining about how he only gets so many holidays a year etc etc (in other words he's not coming.)

AIBU to think that going away with friends for week at a time just after his baby is born shouldn't be a priority? I imagine he would rather go on a party holiday with friends than a low key family holiday, but it would be with his new son/me so should that not take priority?

Sorry for the rambling and thanks in advance!!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 13/09/2016 22:24

Your baby will be 7 months old, so it's not just after they're born.

He probably won't go - he's discussing something that's a hypothetical that he would like to do and that he would have done if you hadn't got pregnant. I imagine he would like to go, very much. But he's not booked anything and if he can't afford it then he won't.

Don't worry about something that isn't for another 11 months and probably won't happen anyway.

SmallBee · 13/09/2016 22:33

My husband went away for a week when DD was six months and I didn't mind. But he is a brilliant hands on equal parent when he was around and he didn't fret about losing his freedom or some bollocks, it was just something gun he wanted to do.
In return I went off to a spa with my mum for a couple of nights. I was so ready to have a night or two child free by then, it was amazing.

NewIdeasToday · 13/09/2016 22:33

I can see why he might not fancy a holiday with your family instead of a boys trip, especially as this was an unplanned baby. Could you plan a holiday for the three of you instead?

ilovesooty · 13/09/2016 22:34

Do you live together and are you in a long term relationship?

Dozyoldtwonk · 13/09/2016 22:35

YABU, sorry. But in return you should expect to be able to do the same (or similar) whilst he cares for DC…if you so wish. It works both ways but I think you're both entitled to freedom & a bit of independence away from each other, DC or no DC. It is healthy.

popthisoneout · 13/09/2016 22:38

I think it goes both ways. If he had a weeks holiday, then you get to. Works well with Dh & I. He goes skiing, I go somewhere hot with friends. It's important to keep you're own life going once you have DC's IMO.

TheMidnightHour · 13/09/2016 22:38

I don't think it's unreasonable per se but if you're not comfortable with it he shouldn't go and definitely shouldn't book until the baby's born and ideally after you find out if you get a sleeper. DP is working away. We don't have a sleeper. It's hard enough when I fully support what he's doing. If he was on a jolly, I'd be fuming. Also, I think tit for tat applies here so if he goes you get something equivalent either in cash terms or time away or whatever

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 13/09/2016 22:38

I'd see how you both feel after baby is here.

DH went on an abroad stag do when my DCs were 5 months old and 17 ish months so I was alone (have no family etc to help) with 2 under 2. It was tough but worked out fine.

You do have to agree jointly though especially if joint money is being spent. Can he wait to book until after baby is born?

mumgointhroughtorture · 13/09/2016 22:41

Maybe its best whilst the baby is only small. Let him have his last "boys" holiday for a while ... maybe tell him you would be happy for him to go as long as family holidays become his priority for the next few years. You never know once the baby is here he might be so hands on the thought of a week away from his child would be too much and the boys holidays may be a thing of the past !
Just go with it and see how he feels once the baby is here , the bond hits you like a bomb .

LouBlue1507 · 13/09/2016 22:44

YANBU... I wouldn't be happy if my partner was thinking of going on a lads holiday to Ibiza a few months after us having our first baby. I'd expect us to go on a family holiday first (the three of us).

Original poster
pinkglasgow23 · 13/09/2016 22:44

Thanks for the advice! ilovesooty we've been together 2 and a half years and live together, and SmallBee a spa weekend sounds great. When I mention anything like that his attitude is a bit like - well wont you have the baby? so its a bit difficult trying to discuss it but I think if he waited to book till after the baby is born that will be better so thanks!!

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 13/09/2016 22:50

Tell him it's a lovely idea... But ask when will you go away as a family?
After all, that is what you are now.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/09/2016 22:51

Who are these people who can afford a family holiday and trips abroad with mates, as well as paying for a new baby and possibly living off a lower income. I absolutely hated the pressure of DH being invited to things like that that we just couldn't afford while I wasn't working when our kids were small. He was too proud to say we were struggling for money so it always caused an issue between us. Other people should just have a think about how other people's lives change after having a baby and they don't have the disposable income they had before.

That said, if there is no money issue at all (ie you can afford both a family holiday with the 3 of you, and for your DP to go away with his friends AND for you to go away with your friends or family) then go for it! I just don't know anywho who had that kind of income st that stage in their life.

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2016 22:51

You don't know how you'll feel yet. My DH has been away a few times for various things since DD was born and I actually enjoy it when it's just the two of us for a short while.

badg3r · 13/09/2016 22:57

Can you have a holiday away somewhere nice just the three of you instead? As a first family holiday? Seven months old would be a good time for it actually, probably not crawling yet but not eating every five minutes! The reality is that things will probably be very very different to how either of you imagine so committing to any holidays now should be taken with a pinch of salt.

NapQueen · 13/09/2016 23:01

Why didn't you say "no, when I am away you will have the baby"?

Dozyoldtwonk · 13/09/2016 23:02

Curly DH and I did/have. We don't spend money on crap & I saved vigorously in the run up to my maternity leave, I appreciate I was in the fortunate position to be able to though. Travel is one of my passions - with DH & DC (family trips), & with friends. Sorry but it really grinds my gears when people assume you have to be extravagant or well off or rich to be able to take regular trips away, even with a young family. It is possible but as with most things, sacrifices are made in other areas.

StripeyMonkey1 · 13/09/2016 23:07

I suspect your concern is more that he is not fully committed to being a full time father to the baby with all that involves than that actual week away itself. That might not be the case but...

I'd have a look online at some yoga type holidays, or if you don't like that for something similar you could do to unwind, and show then to him. This sort of going away only works if it is balanced and both partners get a turn.

If that is not affordable, then it throws a bit more of a spotlight on what he is planning for himself. He might need to rethink. If it is affordable, then you have something nice that you can use for yourself - not necessarily immediately and perhaps a couple of long weekends rather than one week - when you feel you need a break. That could be worth a lot!

AyeAmarok · 13/09/2016 23:11

Sounds like he thinks you are having a baby and his involvement is optional/minimal.

I wouldn't mind DP going on holiday per se, but the attitude he seems to have that this baby is your responsibility would enrage me.

Lollyp333 · 13/09/2016 23:21

I would be very worried indeed. He clearly doesn't want to settle down if he's not excited about the baby and wants his holiday. You really need to have a proper conversation, quickly

MaudlinNamechange · 13/09/2016 23:23

"I suspect your concern is more that he is not fully committed to being a full time father to the baby with all that involves than that actual week away itself. " I agree with this. you need to have a proper talk about what he imagines life post-baby will be like.

FWIW, family holidays with babies and toddlers aren't great. Assuming he gets what parenting is, I don't think there is anything wrong with holidaying seperately. As long as you both get to do it. The baby / toddler won't necessarily appreciate a beautiful Cornish beach more than the splash park. If you know you are on your own for a week, and you are getting your week away childfree too, you can stay in your own space, where your friends are and where you know where everything is and where the routine is not disrupted, and it could be a good week.

Certainly better than dragging everything 300 miles in a car, dealing with sleepless baby, being expected to self cater in a shit kitchen with crap knives and a weird oven and food from a corner shop, being expected to have a wonderful time with no sleep and not enough toys or baby stuff, dragging yourself about failing to take an interest in sight seeing (which the baby is utterly uninterested in)... and it all costs a fortune, and your P will turn into a complete lazy arse the second you arrive because "I'm on holiday innit" (even if has generally been persuaded to step up a bit).

But.... not as good as the fab week off you will have with your mates some other time!

ApocalypseSlough · 13/09/2016 23:27

The holidays are an issue because he's not shown his commitment in other ways. DH has always visited family and friends (not boozy Ibiza holidays admittedly) but we've always had family holidays too.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2016 23:30

I'd have been fine with the week away, but your second post changes it. 'Won't you have the baby, so can't go away?'
No, no, no. If he can go away, so can you.

Rainuntilseptember · 13/09/2016 23:39

Chance of OP going away for a week without lo and dp looking after own child? I'd say about 99% against. Possibly might work if she insisted on her week happening first!

becciandbump · 13/09/2016 23:47

My husband normally goes skiing every January. Our baby is due in dec and for obvious reasons he has cancelled it and also is not going to a friends 50th abroad in April when she is 4 months but I feel bad a bout the 50th an said he can go on his boys golfing holiday at end may when she'll be about 6 months I don't want him to miss out a third time