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AIBU?

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Original poster

To upset my parents by asking them to clean their filthy house

129 replies

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2016 17:18

My parents are lovely people but they live in squalor and always have. The house is full of animals; several cats, an enormous long-haired dog, parrots flying free range and that's just in the house. In the paddock they have all manner of creatures. There is grime and dirt everywhere. Everyone wears their shoes inside as if they didn't their socks would be black within minutes from the dirt on the floor. It was always like this when I was growing up and I thought it was pretty normal until I moved away at 18 and realised no one else lived in a house like this. Until recent years they've been healthy and able-bodied. My dad had a stroke a couple of years ago so is a bit more sedentary now but it's no worse than usual. They could afford a cleaner if they wanted one.

Anyway it was never a massive deal, just how they choose to live. A bit embarrassing taking my now husband there for the first time but meh, whatever. They live 200 miles away and we only visit a few times a year. They live in a very rural location, there are no hotels nearby so we just stay there and put up with it.

We now have an 8 month DD. Last time we took her she was 3 months old and we just held her the whole time and insisted that the massive, untrained dog was always shut away and the birds caged. We're visiting again in a couple of months and DD will almost certainly be crawling by then. Even now she doesn't really like being held and likes sitting on the floor surrounded by toys. I don't know how we'll keep her off the floor for 3 days.

The main problem is that DM doesn't think the house is dirty, will be incredibly offended at the suggestion that it is and will certainly cry. I have tried to gently suggest the place could do with a bit of a clean in the past and it did not go well. I can't stand the idea of upsetting her like that Sad But I genuinely believe DD could be at risk crawling around there. They come straight in from walking around in shit in the paddock and shoes stay on. How can I raise this in the most sensitive way?

OP posts:
benbry · 13/09/2016 18:05

How about saying that your little one became ill after visiting a friend's house and tests have confirmed she is allergic to fur and feathers.

derxa · 13/09/2016 18:05

I'm sure she would survive.

Kittyinthewood · 13/09/2016 18:06

Camp-a-van or VW type van or like someone said a caravan - all easy ish to hire - or easier to hire then telling your lovely but messy parents they need to sort the place out - then def the play pen and high chair with its own table.....
Shame! They may get the message when you rumble up in a RV or Winnebago!!! You sound like a lovely daughter.....and they sound very sweet!!!!

PortiaCastis · 13/09/2016 18:06

Ok sorry

Herzie29 · 13/09/2016 18:06

Ive just come back from a disastrous trip to stay at my Dads house with 10 month old DS. I would say that you need to sort his out before you visit. I didn't and I am now NC with my Dad and will have no further visits. I tried to make it work and it was just so stressful I got too upset and blew a fuse in the end. (mind you the state of his house was just the final straw in a tricky relationship)

It might work to take a playpen/ travel cot (most 10 month olds would not stay on a rug for a second!) and clean one room as previous posters have suggested and then go out lots. But if there are no hotels are there any holiday lets locally?

Good luck OP this is really tough.

OneEpisode · 13/09/2016 18:11

Would a holiday cottage be affordable? One that you could announce your DH has booked/won as a treat for everyone, and everyone should come over to the holiday cottage?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/09/2016 18:11

It's only three days. Take a play pen/travel cot. Throw lots of toys in and your DD will be fine. I'd imagine, you'll be spending time outside too. It's not really that big a deal.
Since they've always lived like this, I don't see how you can raise it without causing massive upset and offense. They'll probably point out (quite rightly) that they raised you and you didn't die from the bugs/dirt on the floor.

MatildaTheCat · 13/09/2016 18:15

This sounds like a job for a team of professionals not your dirt tolerant parents with a year old J Cloth and some spit. I can't actually think of any way of bringing this up without offending them so you have choices:

Don't go, invite them to yours and be honest why.

Same but don't say why.

Go and follow dd madly with anti bac wipes/ playpen etc ( but food still prepped in dirty kitchen).

Call or write and say this is tricky but...and have a proper conversation. I would write so they can't close you down. They probably will think you are being PFB and take offence.

So, no easy answers. Any other family who might be helpful?

PacificDogwod · 13/09/2016 18:16

Short summary of airborne diseases transmitted by bird droppings and dander - I know it's a commercial site, but it gives a quick overview.
None of this has to happen to any visitor, but I would have concerns for a crawling child.

The argument that Oysterbaby grew up under the same conditions does not fly - her immunity will have been activated against whatever was there, her DD's is not.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/09/2016 18:17

I presume the OP's parent can't go to her because they have lots of animals to look after?

diddl · 13/09/2016 18:23

"They come straight in from walking around in shit in the paddock and shoes stay on. "

I wouldn't be going & I'd tell them why.

If they want to live like that then that's up to them

They can't be surprised if others decide not to stay, though!

Have they never visited anyone else's house & seen the difference?

Lorelei76 · 13/09/2016 18:33

I wouldn't go and I would tell them why

I don't think it's right that you go through the stress of supervising a crawling child over a few metres of tarp you had to buy specially.

It is up to them how they live but they can't inflict it on others.

WizardOfToss · 13/09/2016 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flanderspigeonmurderer · 13/09/2016 18:37

Could you try air bnb for somewhere to stay?

trafficcarrots · 13/09/2016 18:41

I completely agree with travel cot or stay in a hotel but with lots of days/meals out.

I have two children and light carpets and it doesn't take long for them to look mucky, nevermind having several pets. We have a Bissel carpet cleaner which thankfully removes the worst and I think we paid about £70 in the black friday sales. Are they the sort of people that maybe just don't know these things exist, or is it more a lifestyle choice?

Inertia · 13/09/2016 18:45

Don't go. Invite them to stay with you. You don't have to put their feelings above your baby's health.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 13/09/2016 18:52

If u can coax them away (if they can find someone to look after all those animals...), I'd make a new tradition that u all go stay somewhere self catering (or hotel) twice or three times a year (maybe centre parks or forest holiday s?).
You could say u want them to have a break, and to spend time with them, to make it a positive.
If they can't leave the animals, maybe imply the baby has loud and difficult issues sleeping, every single night, and it would be too annoying for ur parents, and stay in hotel/self catering (I know u said it's rural, but there must be somewhere within half an hour, surely, if it's in?).

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 13/09/2016 18:53

The end was meant to be 'in the uk' !

1frenchfoodie · 13/09/2016 18:54

Take playpen/carry cot and playmat and insist on the birds and dog being under control. The dirtiness of the house is clearly an issue for you but even if the house was outwardly clean with a hairy dog around you'd not be able to let DD crawl on the floor.

My siblings and I used to joke with my mum anyone from social services visiting her would think she wasn't coping as her cleanliness standards are low. What has helped now she is a bit older is downsizing so less stuff yo clean but none of us would let toddlers crawl around her place. It is just life - we meet at softplay or arrange outings to burn off kiddies energy.

Cagliostro · 13/09/2016 18:54

I grew up in that kind of house (well, not the pets, unless you count mice/slugs/weevils etc) and once I moved out and had my DD I just stopped going there.

Horrible position to be in :( but no you can't change them x

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 13/09/2016 18:57

In deciding what to do, remember that the muck isn't going to go away as DD gets older, or as (maybe) there are more DCs. This is a long term issue that needs sorting long term, not just finding a fix for this next visit.

SafariSoGood · 13/09/2016 18:59

Oysterbabe go in armed - pack anti bac wipes and your vacuum cleaner, playpen and blanket.

When you arrive let DH show DD the animals with your DPs, you go into the house and clean the floors where DD might be crawling (living room) wipe furniture within her reach. Put up travel cot/playpen for DDs return from paddock.

Just say to DM that DD is crawling and putting everything in her mouth/licking.

Your mother raised you - she knows what babies are like!

Don't say "Because your house is a shit tip..." Just that you didn't want her to be put out, as she's probably tired from looking after the animals/your dad.

It doesn't need to be a battle.
When my DPs were alive, I always cooked/cleaned when we visited. To give them a break as they aged/were ill.

I'd love to visit my parents again Sad life is too short.

(If this was PILs house I would expect DH to do the same)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2016 19:03

Could you perhaps tell them your baby has recently been ill and has a compromised immune system? Awful thing to do I know, but it might be a way to get them to clean up by blaming the "illness" rather than them IYSWIM - and if they still don't clean it would provide a good excuse to do it yourself (for the areas you'll actually be in, I mean)

Otherwise I agree with PPs about the blanket/travel cot ... or just refuse to go

SafariSoGood · 13/09/2016 19:05

This is a long term issue that needs sorting long term, not just finding a fix for this next visit.

Totally agree, you should think long term and perhaps talk about it in person.

Over the phone is so difficult to convey how much you love them, but want them to live a better (cleaner) life.

coconutpie · 13/09/2016 19:06

Visiting them is not an option. You must put your DC's health and safety before their feelings. There is no way I would step foot inside their front door with a DC, never mind a crawling one. Tell them why you will not be visiting, it might finally give them the kick up the arse they need. If they get offended, then clearly they are happy to expose your DC to health hazards and so I would refuse to have DC visit them.