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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Large Families

686 replies

Czerny88 · 10/09/2016 17:56

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind people having large families (by which I mean anything over three children, I guess). NB I'm thinking about people in the 21st century, in the West, with access to contraception and low infant mortality, who don't belong to a culture where it is particularly encouraged to have a large number of children, such as Judaism. And obviously there are circumstances such as multiple births which don't apply.

My visceral feeling is that it is often wrong on many levels. In attempting to enunciate why, I would say people should not have more children than they can afford, than they have time to care for, than can fit comfortably in their living accommodation.

And even in the case where the parents are very wealthy, have a huge house and extra support such as a nanny, there is still the hugely important issue of over-population. It feels like we are at capacity already, without room to increase the population by the amount would result by every couple having even three children.

I'm trying not to be too goady or right-wing, and I have personal reasons for the way I feel (I am involuntarily childless) so please don't be too harsh, but it's something I struggle with ideologically as well as emotionally.

So... AIBU to think that people should be more responsible about how many children they produce and not act solely on their own desires regardless of the potential effects on others? Or is that an unrealistic, draconian expectation?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/09/2016 09:06

AIBU to think that people should be more responsible about how many children they produce and not act solely on their own desires regardless of the potential effects on others? Or is that an unrealistic, draconian expectation?

When I read the thread title I thought by large you meant really large ... like 7 children upwards.

I think that people should have any number of children that they want if they can love and afford to give a good standard of living to.

The problem is some people are stuck in a poverty cycle and don't know any different. They tend to be less educated and have never had the benefit of exposure to life beyond their surroundings. The life they live is their normal.

I recall a school mum who had 8 children in primary school and she was useless in controlling them (it was awful at school assemblies and events), and she wasn't particularly clued up about anything having spoken to her. She was referred to as 'mad Suzy with the 8 kids' by others. She'd scream at the out of control kids and just couldn't cope.

When she told her DD that only blonde haired/blue eyed girls were pretty and only white people were going to be at her birthday party, I totally went off her.

It's the kids who suffer when parents are unable to give them a decent life and it impacts on them later on.

ethelb · 11/09/2016 09:07

Overpopulation is a myth. The birthrate in this country is about 1.8.

That includes all those incontinent overbreeders who can't stop reproducing cos they luvs the bubbas.Hmm

Highlandfling80 · 11/09/2016 09:09

Op I feel for you. If you really want a child but are unable to it hurts. I speak as someone who struggled to conceive for two years. Very little NHS support was open to us. Those 2 years were a serious low point in my life. I used to see mums pushing prams smoking and thinking how unfair life was. However, no way would I have posted on a parenting site asking others to justify their choices. It would have just been to upsetting for me. Really can't understand why you have done this but each to their own.
Anyway thankfully we went on to have two DC naturally and a bonus unplanned 3rd who brought great joy after several family bereavement.
I grew up as one of 7. Having those siblings really helps when we lost a parent and one sibling close together. Having 2 local sisters to share the load of caring for an elderly parent was a blessing.
Conversely my sibling who died only had one child. Her Dd has had to deal with df poor health on her own. She cannot do this on her own so now he has gone into a home and is a much greater burden on the taxpayer! than my dm was.
So I just feel people do what is right for you. I believe things even out. I am one of 7 and we had 7 DC between us. My close friends from School had 4 kids between the 5 of us. So 4 kids from 10 people. So for those having 4 or more plenty have much less

HalfShellHero · 11/09/2016 09:32

Contraception isnt a perfect science especially hormonal, people still struggle to grasp that I think. Although on the copper now 3 yrs no probs and counting *phew ... some people just want lots of children for emotional reasons, i.e the radfords werent they both children in care without families? Forgive me if im wrong.

srslylikeomg · 11/09/2016 09:37

Overpopulation globally isn't a myth. Or perhaps you think only westerners should be allowed to breed?

yeOldeTrout · 11/09/2016 09:45

imho, it's worse to slag off 1-child families b/c so many of these are not by choice. That demographic as a whole has a right to be more tetchy about criticism.

I spawned 4 kids. I don't feel in slightest offended by OP or those who disapprove as long as they're polite. It's good intellectual debate. As an ecofreak I thought long & hard about having any kids.

Most the people I know with 6+ pay their own way. I know a few families that are single woman churning out babies by multiple dads, on benefits, low aspiration, kids going into care, etc. I don't understand the moral high horse condemnation because it doesn't achieve anything. They are screwed up people making screwed up decisions. I feel very sorry for them.

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 09:54

YeOld I think it's naive of you to assume that OP intends to achieve anything other than a sense of self vindicated superiority by posting in such a flagrantly condemnatory fashion.

I hope she has at least achieved that.

Amber76 · 11/09/2016 09:57

I grew up in a huge family and absolutely hated it.

miserablesod · 11/09/2016 10:11

Well imho i think it is bloody rude for people to make comments and stare when i'm out with my family. Whats the problem?! I work, i pay my rent, bills and taxes like everyone else. Who are these strangers that think they have a right to pass judgement or ask rude personal questions. Piss off and let me get on with my life and use your energy to bloody get on with yours.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 11/09/2016 10:15

How many children do you have miserable?

Pisssssedofff · 11/09/2016 10:17

Everyone thinks the grass is greener if you grew up in a large family no doubt you envy the only child and vice versa. I had best of both only child with grandparents and part of s large family when I wanted to be with parents. Neither were better or worse

yeOldeTrout · 11/09/2016 10:20

Watch a bit of Jeremy Vine if you guys want to see masters of passive aggressive goadiness. OP isn't remotely like that.

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 10:25

miserable I actually don't mind other people's comments. They're usually very complementary if slightly condescending Wink
I was congratulated on my brood of well behaved children only yesterday whilst out shopping. (Was also accused of being their older sister but I think the woman in question perhaps realised her well intentioned condescension and decided to over egg the compliments a tad)

Other parents are rarely unkind or rude in person.
That would take some brass balls wouldn't it?

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 10:28

Is he the philistine from Radio 2 YeOld?

If so I shan't be granting him an audience. Reprehensible, pseudo credible radio station

QuodPeriitPeriit · 11/09/2016 10:39

Overpopulation globally isn't a myth

No, but the OP specified she was only objecting to "people in the West" having large families, so I and others are responding on that basis - and far from overpopulation, the problem in the Developed world is a falling birth rate and consequent ageing of the population and decreasing tax revenue to pay for the care of the elderly.

Happymum25 · 11/09/2016 10:44

oh my goodness , i take it you'd judge me just because i have more than 3 children ? - what the hell gives you that right ??

im Mum to 5 myself , mine & my husbands choice , we support them ourselves by working hard , we are lucky that we have never been in tbe position to have to claim Benifits , but if the time comes that we do , well weve both paid into the system for over 20yrs & 30yrs respectively so i think we've paid our due's to get help

cherylsbrood · 11/09/2016 10:51

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LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 11/09/2016 10:53

cheryl lots of people without kids use mn. They improve the place quite frankly.

miserablesod · 11/09/2016 10:53

I have had some nice comments from people in public but the nasty comments are usually said between people loud enough for me to hear so i usually reply. Shuts them up.

But i have had people ask what my salary is, if i work, do my kids have the same father, do i claim benefits, were they all planned etc. Now i wouldn't ask people those questions as quite frankly its none of my business but yet because i have many children people seem to think its their right to ask such questions.

cherylsbrood · 11/09/2016 10:56

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leanny · 11/09/2016 10:59

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Girliefriendlikesflowers · 11/09/2016 11:01

Cheryl Shock for Goodness sake!

Anyone can use mn - anyone!!!

Pisssssedofff · 11/09/2016 11:08

Anyone can use Mumsnet but is it doing her any favours to do so I believe is Cheryl's question, not unreasonably

ssd · 11/09/2016 11:08

cheryl, dont be a knob

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 11:17

I have sympathy for the OP but I agree that perhaps a forum predominantly populated by parents may not be conducive to contentment for a person who identified as 'involuntarily childless'

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