AIBU - DH and gender disappointment

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Hi all.

Thought about name changing but decided against it as those who want to can see my other posts if any doubt.

I had our second son 8 weeks ago. He is a lovely boy and after a fussy start is a placid little guy, sleeping 7-7 with just one feed about 4am.

We wanted to have just the 2 kids, and while I was happy either way, DH really wanted a daughter. He was quite disappointed when we found we were expecting a boy, and despite the brave face seemed less invested in the pregnancy, which REALLY fucking hurt. He started going out more and coming home late, whereas usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes.

So DS no.2 was born in July. I should add our first son is 4 and very high-maintenance. Lovely and intelligent, but prone to tantrums and aggression.

The first 2 weeks post-birth, DH was wonderful. We were a total team, he was kind, helpful and supportive.

I suppose once the 'novelty' wore off, he began to drift away. He sleeps on the sofa, never helps at night or mornings, leaving me to get baby back to sleep and then being woken by big brother to start the day 30mins later. It's hard. I am tired and lonely.

He barely holds the baby, moans about him constantly and is completely disconnected from us as a family. He stays out late, does nothing to help around the house and complains if I ask him to help me.

The other night he came home drunk and woke me up crying, saying that he wished we'd had a girl, and that he feels so pushed by the two boys. I give him as much love and attention as I can, but he is so continually rude and distant to me that I don't see why I should bother engaging.

This morning was awful. He was sleeping on the couch, ignoring us. DS 4 was having a tantrum and hitting me whilst I was trying to feed the baby. He's a big strong boy, it hurt!

DH just got up and left. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried talking to him, tried giving him space but I'm just so tired of it.

Part of me thinks he is a spoilt wanker who should grow up.

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

He has history of a bad temper and being a bit lazy, but this is like nothing I have ever seen in him before.

Sorry for long post, but AIBU to think he should get the fuck over it and enjoy our new baby? Or am I doing something terribly wrong? Please be kind.

I've only read as far as his his problem being your 'big mouth'. He sounds awful. He might be depressed but that doesn't give him carts Blanche to take it out on you.

Oh OP I really feel for you, and sadly I can relate.

My DH desperately wants a son, so after saying we'd only have two, I'm now pregnant again. I do want another baby, but I would have been happy to stop at two, so feel my DH should be even MORE positive about this pregnancy. He isn't.

We aren't going to find out the gender, but his behaviour has been so shit so far, I can only think it's the stress of worrying if the baby is another DD?? He has improved after a series of discussions (if I could do strike through, it would say row) but I've already decided that if we have a DD and the shitty behaviour returns, I'm leaving him.

Similar to your DH, it manifests itself in going out all the time, not engaging in family life, complaining about me instead of actually talking about what's bothering him.

I don't know the answer- all I can say is that I stuck purely to trying to tackle his behaviour as he 100% wouldn't open up about his feelings. However, your DP did, so maybe you have to pursue that avenue and insist he has therapy?

Whatever happens, good luck. You have my sympathy.

My Dh grew up in a family where his father never forgave him for not being a girl. He had an older brother and Dh was supposed to complete the perfect family.

By the time I met him, he was already pretty much non contact as his dad just wasn't interested. He died when our DD was 6 weeks old and I think we'd met up with him 3 times- one of those being our wedding day. Dh has struggled all his adult life with showing emotion and empathy. I'm certain it's linked to his dysfunctional relationship with his father. He sees the relationship my brother and I have with our dad and he finds it alien. He's worked incredibly hard to build good, healthy, relationships with our children, but he still needs guidance as he just doesnt have the emotional intelligence to deal with them sometimes.

Please talk to your DH. He can't ruin your son's life like my dh's father blighted his. I don't know what the answer is- therapy? But he needs help before that tiny baby realises his own father would love him better if he were a girl.

Do you have a Relate centre near you? Would he go to some couples therapy sessions. Given he feels pushed out and his own experiences of being parented was not great, it seems there might be stuff playing out that you both could do with discussing in a neutral space.

How come his mum is suddenly hands on grandma when she didn't bring him up?

One of the things about mumsnet that annoys me the most is that most people jump straight to depression or mental health issues in posts like this. Sometimes people have depression but sometimes people are just arseholes. After OP's update about him fobbing baby off on his mother when given the opportunity to bond, I'm leaning towards he's just an arsehole.