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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH and gender disappointment

106 replies

TooGood2BeFalse · 10/09/2016 10:12

Hi all.

Thought about name changing but decided against it as those who want to can see my other posts if any doubt.

I had our second son 8 weeks ago. He is a lovely boy and after a fussy start is a placid little guy, sleeping 7-7 with just one feed about 4am.

We wanted to have just the 2 kids, and while I was happy either way, DH really wanted a daughter. He was quite disappointed when we found we were expecting a boy, and despite the brave face seemed less invested in the pregnancy, which REALLY fucking hurt. He started going out more and coming home late, whereas usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes.

So DS no.2 was born in July. I should add our first son is 4 and very high-maintenance. Lovely and intelligent, but prone to tantrums and aggression.

The first 2 weeks post-birth, DH was wonderful. We were a total team, he was kind, helpful and supportive.

I suppose once the 'novelty' wore off, he began to drift away. He sleeps on the sofa, never helps at night or mornings, leaving me to get baby back to sleep and then being woken by big brother to start the day 30mins later. It's hard. I am tired and lonely.

He barely holds the baby, moans about him constantly and is completely disconnected from us as a family. He stays out late, does nothing to help around the house and complains if I ask him to help me.

The other night he came home drunk and woke me up crying, saying that he wished we'd had a girl, and that he feels so pushed by the two boys. I give him as much love and attention as I can, but he is so continually rude and distant to me that I don't see why I should bother engaging.

This morning was awful. He was sleeping on the couch, ignoring us. DS 4 was having a tantrum and hitting me whilst I was trying to feed the baby. He's a big strong boy, it hurt!

DH just got up and left. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried talking to him, tried giving him space but I'm just so tired of it.

Part of me thinks he is a spoilt wanker who should grow up.

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

He has history of a bad temper and being a bit lazy, but this is like nothing I have ever seen in him before.

Sorry for long post, but AIBU to think he should get the fuck over it and enjoy our new baby? Or am I doing something terribly wrong? Please be kind.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 10/09/2016 12:08

The people to consider here are your little boys. I this attitude of 'disappointment' in your second son continues it will affect your son for the rest of his life.

Your sons are more important than a self absorbed tosser. And I understand he may be depressed (I have depression it can definitely skew your thinking) but the difference is I sought help before I started causing distress to those around me. He needs to engage in getting help.

You are the advocate for your boys - don't let him allow them to think they are anything less that treasured, wanted and adored by their parents.

varvara · 10/09/2016 12:08

dexterdamesmummy Flowers

SandyY2K · 10/09/2016 12:13

I have two girls, I will be admit to being a little disappointed initially that the second wasn't a boy as it would have been nice to have one of each, but now she's here we totally adore her and think actually it's nice to have same sex siblings.

This was me as well. When I had the scan and found out my second was a girl I was so upset.

I remember crying in my car afterwards, but I started reminding myself of the number of people with fertility problems and realised that a healthy baby was the most important thing. I felt I was being so stupid for feeling upset, but it's how I felt at the time.

I thought of the very close bond I have with my sisters and how we support each other through think and thin, then I got over it.

That DD is now 14 and she's a very loving and smart girl.

WhyASpoon · 10/09/2016 12:15

Mephisto yes, men can and do get PND and I think if it were more recognised, more families would be saved (possibly mine included).

I'm not saying this is definitely the case here, although there could be an element of it and he is now using it as an excuse. However, there are very many echoes of my own situation in this; my H did the same thing after 2nd child, then decided he didn't think he loved me. We sorted it, then had a third, during which pregnancy he told me he was leaving and left shortly after she was born. He's now XH.

I tell you this because one big thing with us was that we never really talked about it. It's hard, but if you can, take the time to lay out everything on the line. If he still doesn't see it or still thinks that you are the problem (same same for me, sadly) then you can do it on your own and take it from me, you will be better off. Only you can know whether it's worth the effort but do it sooner rather than later.

Good luck and best wishes. And congratulations.

Titsalinabumsquash · 10/09/2016 12:16

My father wanted a boy, my mother had 3 girls, I'm told over and over how when I was born he left the room sobbing because (in his words) my m had failed him again.

I've spent the best part of my adult life in therapy because I was born a failure due to being a girl and I've had it rooted into me that being a girl is wrong and disappointing.

Anyway, he left and had his boy, he then had another girl. The thing is, his boy is pushed aside and his youngest daughter is treated like a princess.

He's a cock, plain and simple.

Your DH needs to either sort his act out and seek help or leave because it can destroy a child when they are born a disappointment.

ninjapants · 10/09/2016 12:17

DH behaved the way you're describing after DS was born (we only have one DC). He was desperate for a boy and DS was very much planned (we had a really hard time TTC). However, within a few weeks DH couldn't cope with it all. He became distant from me and uninvolved with DS, he blamed me (as your DH is doing) and he behaved very badly, staying out all night, drinking, etc.
His relationship with DS improved as he grew, especially once he was walking and talking, and DH's behaviour got better.
Fast forward 2.5 years; DH tried to kill himself and was diagnosed with depression. I don't think the change to our lives after DS's birth was the only problem by any means (a lot of other issues have since come to light) but he obviously found it much harder to keep on top of things and cope with life once he had a child.

I'd encourage your DH to go and speak to a GP about his thoughts. Even acknowledging his feelings might help. This isn't about having a boy instead of a girl, he's using that as an excuse to avoid thinking about what's really troubling him.

Good luck and congratulations on DS2 Flowers

SandyY2K · 10/09/2016 12:18

For those saying men don't get PND, see the link below.

www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads

I'm not saying the OPs DH has it, but it's best not to say something doesn't exist through ignorance.

VashtaNerada · 10/09/2016 12:21

He is not BU to be depressed. He is BU to not fight 100% to get better. This is not fair on you or your sons. You all deserve better. He has to spend more time with DS2 (& probably DS1 too) and work on that bond, and he has to visit his GP. If he refuses, then yes he's a selfish cunt.

WigelsPigels · 10/09/2016 12:24

Wow, he needs to go and see the doctor. We have 2 boys and the 2nd time around it would have been nice to have a girl, but I really don't care that we have 2 boys. I love them both and wouldn't change them for the world. This sounds like it's definitely not the only issue, it maybe pushed him over the edge, if depressed.

mum2Bomg · 10/09/2016 12:25

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

Please don't fall into thinking you can help. Get him to see his GP (make the appointment for you both and go too if you can and explain the impact this is having). Try and find him a counsellor too - this isn't something you can fix xxx

Jessbow · 10/09/2016 12:40

If your first is difficult, he is possibly panicing inside, thinking there will be twice the angst with the second - with two behaving as you describe your first, hardly paints a picture of a happy little family, and he maybe thought a girl would be easier? Or just the ideal picture of ''one of each'', Mums and sons, dads and daughters thing too.

Whichever way, he needs help.

if you sit him down, soon after boys go bed and TALK, and try and see if he I worried about any of that? He certainly sounds depressed to me, overwhelmed maybe??

I don't think its ''shape up or ship out'' as much as slowly catchy monkey

HuskyLover1 · 10/09/2016 12:51

He is staying out late. He is sleeping on the sofa. He is complaining that he doesn't get enough time with you. He moans about the children. Hmm. I know I would be checking his phone, for anything suspicious, but maybe that's just me!

Daisygarden · 10/09/2016 12:51

I'm not psychologist, but you say he "has a really difficult relationship with his mum who didn't raise him" and also that "usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes."

Because he didn't have the mother-son relationship he missed out on, the closest he can get to creating what he didn't have is a father-daughter relationship. I think it's highly possible his expectations of a daughter would have been unrealistic and full of pressure for her to be "perfect" (to him).

He is hurting now because the chance to create a meaningful relationship with a blood relation female is lost. He is probably mourning that without realising it. I don't think it's quite that he thinks girls are fab or girls are easier or whatever. The child in him that missed out on a relationship with his mother is still looking to be soothed with a daughter relationship. That's why he feels jealous of the boys - because he sees the mother-son bond going on that he didn't have, and he feels locked out or disconnected.

He needs to acknowledge these feelings. He probably has ZERO idea that this could be what's making him so unhappy. He can be a great dad to both the boys, but he's got some acceptance of some tough feelings to do first. Obviously there's no excuse for being awful, but the good thing is that he has tried to tell you how he feels - he is trying to communicate with you about it.

People saying "he's an arse - needs to get over himself or get lost"... I don't think the OP is an arse, he's acting like one but I do think he's struggling with some emotional problems rooted in his past here. He could learn to overcome that, if he wants to.

Daisygarden · 10/09/2016 12:52
  • the OP's DH is not an arse, not the OP!
Daisygarden · 10/09/2016 12:54

Oh and yes - the "one of each". "Perfect" family setup it sounds like he didn't have himself. He's probably dreamed about/idolised what a perfect family should look like for years.

Memoires · 10/09/2016 13:03

His 'only problem' is brattishness. Suggest he goes to his mum for a few weeks while you take time to think about how much you want to mother 3 boys.

MephistoMarley · 10/09/2016 13:04

Ffs
Men might get reactive depression following the birth of a child. That's not the same as post natal depression which is a physiological condition that can occur post pregnancy and birth and is related to physical and hormonal changes in a woman's body.
Male depression that may occur following a baby is not PND. Completely different conditions and really unhelpful to women to conflate the two.

SalemSaberhagen · 10/09/2016 13:04

Drivingandgoogling that post was so fucking offensive I don't know where to start...

Gingeete · 10/09/2016 13:06

Men can get PND too. Sounds like he may have symptoms. maybe he needs a trip to the GP. Can u speak to your Hv and get professional advice? Not helpful to you is rubbish especially in these early days but men emotions can be as powerful as women's in these circumstances . Hope it improves

Rozdeek · 10/09/2016 13:09

Men cannot get post natal depression ffs.

MissMoo22 · 10/09/2016 13:21

Tell him to GTFO out come back when he's grown up. What an utter shitty excuse for a Dad. Sorry OP but you and your sons deserve MUCH better than this.

bluebeck · 10/09/2016 13:27

I agree with PP - he sounds like a childish wanker. I don't believe this is gender disappointment at all, although even if it was, he would still be in the wrong.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. He's "jealous" - well poor little mite. It sounds like he is absolving himself of any parental responsibility anyway so what have you got to lose?

EttaJ · 10/09/2016 13:28

salem what post from driving are you referring to? The SN comment? That's the only post I can see.

Rozdeek · 10/09/2016 13:30

Yes, presumably that's the one, etta

Purplebluebird · 10/09/2016 13:47

I think he is depressed, he needs to see a doctor. It's not on, and he needs to be an adult and deal with it as an illness. I think it would be too easy to dismiss it as being an asshole.