AIBU - DH and gender disappointment

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Hi all.

Thought about name changing but decided against it as those who want to can see my other posts if any doubt.

I had our second son 8 weeks ago. He is a lovely boy and after a fussy start is a placid little guy, sleeping 7-7 with just one feed about 4am.

We wanted to have just the 2 kids, and while I was happy either way, DH really wanted a daughter. He was quite disappointed when we found we were expecting a boy, and despite the brave face seemed less invested in the pregnancy, which REALLY fucking hurt. He started going out more and coming home late, whereas usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes.

So DS no.2 was born in July. I should add our first son is 4 and very high-maintenance. Lovely and intelligent, but prone to tantrums and aggression.

The first 2 weeks post-birth, DH was wonderful. We were a total team, he was kind, helpful and supportive.

I suppose once the 'novelty' wore off, he began to drift away. He sleeps on the sofa, never helps at night or mornings, leaving me to get baby back to sleep and then being woken by big brother to start the day 30mins later. It's hard. I am tired and lonely.

He barely holds the baby, moans about him constantly and is completely disconnected from us as a family. He stays out late, does nothing to help around the house and complains if I ask him to help me.

The other night he came home drunk and woke me up crying, saying that he wished we'd had a girl, and that he feels so pushed by the two boys. I give him as much love and attention as I can, but he is so continually rude and distant to me that I don't see why I should bother engaging.

This morning was awful. He was sleeping on the couch, ignoring us. DS 4 was having a tantrum and hitting me whilst I was trying to feed the baby. He's a big strong boy, it hurt!

DH just got up and left. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried talking to him, tried giving him space but I'm just so tired of it.

Part of me thinks he is a spoilt wanker who should grow up.

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

He has history of a bad temper and being a bit lazy, but this is like nothing I have ever seen in him before.

Sorry for long post, but AIBU to think he should get the fuck over it and enjoy our new baby? Or am I doing something terribly wrong? Please be kind.

Whether or not you can call male depression following the birth of a child postnatal depression or not is arguing semantics.

People CAN and do get depression and I totally agree with brie it's a bit misinformed to say he isn't allowed to be depressed because of gender disappointment. People get depressed for all sorts of reasons and non reasons. It is a real clinical illness.

However (as a sufferer and spouse to a sufferer) it is absolutely NOT a free pass to be a cunt.

I think the suggestion to be fair but firm, to offer the ultimatum 'get help or give me space' (I.e. Get out) is probably the best. It isn't your job to make him well again.

My deal breaker in a similar situation has always been that I will put up with a certain amount of poor behaviour as long as they are actively getting treatment for the depression, be that CBT, counselling or medication. But fail to engage and I'm done. And it's OK to call them things. Make it clear that Carry on pretending he's ok whilst dragging you down is not an option.

My DH behaved very differently from DS1 to DS2: he was great with DS1 , really enthusiastic and hands on but by the time we had DS2 5 years later he had totally lost interest in family life and had withdrawn from me in the process. I should add that like you DS1 was a difficult , high maintenance baby and DS2 was dead easy. Ironically , I was the one who was disapointed not to have a girl but although I felt like that after the scan , I'd got over it by the time he was born.
I think his age may well be a factor as my DH got worse and more depressed though his late 30's culminating in a total meltdown at 39. He has come through it now though and we have just had a 'surprise' daughter 8 weeks ago who he absolutely adores.

To me he sounds depressed but being depressed is not a license to treat you and your boys like crap. Taking no part in the care of the children and going out getting drunk is unacceptable. He needs to get help and you need to think about what course of action you take if he won't. I hope it works itself out for you.

Good post from Daisygarden. It's possible your DH is just being an arse, but it sounds like he had a very difficult childhood himself and that is affecting his ability to parent effectively. However if he won't talk to a professional about it, I'm not sure what you should do next

I think MFChainsaw has it spot on, all I can add is he has to see the problem and ask for help, certainly try and support him, but look after your health too.
He might also be having a hard time admitting he has a mental illness and seeking help (therapy/medication) because of course it's seen as unmanly to do either of those . Macho bullshit...

One thing that really annoys me about Mumsnet is the amount of people that shout "depression" in situations like this.
It is so unfair on those people who do suffer depression.

FWIW OP - I am a senior mental health nurse with 17 years service.

There is nothing in your posts that suggests your DP has mental health difficulties, depression or anything else.

There is no such clinical diagnosis as "male pnd".

Your DP sounds unreasonable & selfish - you cite that previously he has had temper problems.

He sounds like an man who is having difficulties adjusting to not getting what he wants.

Salem I've just seen it, it's vile, I've reported it, no wish to derail this thread or give it any credence with any further comments.

I agree with Mephisto re PND.

OP says her partner has a history of bad temper and laziness so this could be a further example of that. We know that for many men shitty behaviour peaks during pregnancy and children coming along, I don't think it helps to medicalise this and give him an 'excuse' especially when this isn't altogether new behaviour on his part.

I had PND and there wasn't the option of checking out of my family, neglecting my kids and going out on the piss all the time. I don't recall wanting to go out at all, I had to force myself to do the basics. In fact I don't recognise any of my PND in his current behaviour.

If he is depressed he needs help. If he won't go to the GP then I think you have to spell it out that he's having a really detrimental effect on the family. Again, if my PND was causing this level of familial discontent and my husband pointed it out to me, I would have moved mountains to have some help.

And if he's just being a lazy twat then you need to tell him to shape up or get out. Your are currently looking after three children, two of whom are prone to having tantrums and being difficult (and that seems more than a coincidence to me) Your children are really going to suffer if this doesn't get sorted out.

It also could be his childhood - but again if that is affecting his parenting abilities so much then he needs to have some help. And if he refuses then you really have to weigh up your options. You are doing everything anyway, you may as well be on your own without the misery of an unhappy home.

Agree absolutely with 'get help or give me space'.

I have to admit to having no time for or patience with 'gender disappointment', no matter which parent it's from. Even if - if - your dh is depressed and/or suffering with issues from his childhood, checking out of family life and leaving you to shoulder all the burden is no response to that. it's selfish and self-indulgent. If he doesn't want the demands of a family, he should forgo its comforts until he's in a place to take the rough with the smooth.

Talk to you're HV she will help and advise you on what to do. She may even be able to talk to him and snap him out of this hole he is in.

He sounds like he drinks a lot. People who have a problem with drink will use any excuse to drink to excess. You daring to have the wrong baby is a perfect excuse. This guy needs to face up to things quickly or he will end up losing his whole family. He needs to hear that, loud and clear. He needs to get help but that's his decision. Your decision is not putting up with the coming in drunk and using horrible phrases like ' your big mouth' to the mother of his precious sons.

I had PND and there wasn't the option of checking out of my family, neglecting my kids and going out on the piss all the time.

Exactly.

Hi again all, thanks for all of your advice.

I admit that my patience is running out, and even though I get it could be depression like so many of you have said - it obviously still really hurts my feelings and I just don't seem to have enough 'care' left to look after someone when I'm still learning to juggle the boys.

I took some advice mentioned up thread this afternoon (hence the delay in reply) and took my elder son out for a couple of hours for some one-on-one time, leaving him to have bonding time with the baby.

He seemed 100% behind this and was all 'I'll be fine, it'll be nice.' When I got home 2 and a half hours later, his mother was here looking after my son and he was watching the football.

Am quite gutted by this really. Mad at his mum a bit for enabling this, but mainly sad for my little son that his own dad can't be arsed to be with him for a measly 3 hours.

You are all quite right that it's time to try talking again, will try the 'get help or give me space ' idea...less confrontational than what I want to say why are you being such a cunt

Thanks all again, also for not saying the infamous 'if you knew he was like this, why did you have another baby with him'. Cannot tell you how grateful I am!!

Mad at his mum a bit for enabling this, but mainly sad for my little son that his own dad can't be arsed to be with him for a measly 3 hours.

Jesus. What did you say when you got back and she was there?

After a stunned 5mins, I asked him what the fuck happened that he needed back up after such a little time.He said she was lonely and invited herself round and hogged the baby.

MIL, being MIL, said that he asked her for coffee then just moaned at her to get him to sleep (which he wouldn't, poor sausage). She is very much a gimme gimme! when it comes to her grandkids, but my DH is by no means a shrinking violet so could easily have 'reclaimed' him

Especially irritating as he knows full well I struggle with her being overbearing with my kids and that she comes round literally every day as it is..I wish I'd never bothered now.

Actually I think it's time to have it out with him and issue an ultimatum.

If there is an H issue going on he gets help, otherwise he can f*ck off to stay with his mother

Depressed or not, it sounds like he's being a massive prick to you and the kids.

Tbh though all this talk of being jealous of the kids and thinking a girl would be easier to parent and calling you a nag for wanting help with the kids screams misogyny to me, not depression.

Op - could it be that the fact you're so overwhelmed with motherhood now (not surprisingly) has triggered something for your DH connected to the fact that his own mother didn't bring him up? He is resentful of your bond perhaps?

Is he the kind of man that could talk about his feelings to a counsellor?

I feel so sorry that you're having to deal with his behaviour. What was he like after DS1?

Many men can feel a bit pushed out after a baby - even jealous. But your DH's behaviour is very extreme.

My DH wanted a girl when we found out we were having a second child, but the scan revealed another boy. It turned out that DH was worried about parenting the boys in the way his abusive father had parented him and his brother - always making them compete against each other (swimming across a lake every morning, boxing against each other and god knows what else - all totally horrendous). It brought up quite a lot for him, but he quickly realised that he could and would be a very different father from day one. And then we had two more DC anyway - both girls.

Something very strange is going on with your DH if he was not like this first time round. Would he be willing to get help if you told him his lack of attachment to DS2 will be damaging in the long term? In the meantime do you have anyone else who could help you out - even with some of the cleaning. You need to look after yourself too

sounds like you need to give both of them a harsh wake up call.

i'd be putting a stop to mil's daily visits. stop facilitating her enabling of your husbands arseholience. tell her straight that her son needs to learn to bond with his son and she's interfering with that.

your husband can't just abdicate all responsibility. if he refuses to get help and take steps to deal with this then he needs to move out.

I feel you're pain you jave to put you're focus into you're children. Ignore him he will come running back. From what you said its not worth it try and grt out mote with the children.

He wasn't perfect first time round, of course none of us are, but no - not like this.

I definitely have my handsful, but the newborn phase this time round hasn't been anywhere near as challenging yet as with D1 who had terrible reflux and colic.I thought he'd be delighted about that.

I love my kids, but I am careful to remain my own person. I love to read, listen to music, watch movies, have a glass of wine and a giggle etc. I am trying to connect with DH and not just be 'Mum' but it seems like he doesn't want to, then complains that I am only focused on the kids - feel like I can't win really. I am a little worried for.our future tonight.

And yes, absolutely I should speak to MIL. Tomorrow.

blank I've reported it too. Hopefully it gets deleted soon.

'Don't be disappointed about your children folks, at least they haven't got special needs like some of them'. Nice.

Even if your dh is depressed why would he go and get help when he is having too much fun going out, drinking himself into a stupor whilst being able to blame you for everything and he can act like a single guy with no responsibility.

If he won't get help and you can't change your ds's sex how long do you think the status quo can go on for.