AIBU - DH and gender disappointment

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Hi all.

Thought about name changing but decided against it as those who want to can see my other posts if any doubt.

I had our second son 8 weeks ago. He is a lovely boy and after a fussy start is a placid little guy, sleeping 7-7 with just one feed about 4am.

We wanted to have just the 2 kids, and while I was happy either way, DH really wanted a daughter. He was quite disappointed when we found we were expecting a boy, and despite the brave face seemed less invested in the pregnancy, which REALLY fucking hurt. He started going out more and coming home late, whereas usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes.

So DS no.2 was born in July. I should add our first son is 4 and very high-maintenance. Lovely and intelligent, but prone to tantrums and aggression.

The first 2 weeks post-birth, DH was wonderful. We were a total team, he was kind, helpful and supportive.

I suppose once the 'novelty' wore off, he began to drift away. He sleeps on the sofa, never helps at night or mornings, leaving me to get baby back to sleep and then being woken by big brother to start the day 30mins later. It's hard. I am tired and lonely.

He barely holds the baby, moans about him constantly and is completely disconnected from us as a family. He stays out late, does nothing to help around the house and complains if I ask him to help me.

The other night he came home drunk and woke me up crying, saying that he wished we'd had a girl, and that he feels so pushed by the two boys. I give him as much love and attention as I can, but he is so continually rude and distant to me that I don't see why I should bother engaging.

This morning was awful. He was sleeping on the couch, ignoring us. DS 4 was having a tantrum and hitting me whilst I was trying to feed the baby. He's a big strong boy, it hurt!

DH just got up and left. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried talking to him, tried giving him space but I'm just so tired of it.

Part of me thinks he is a spoilt wanker who should grow up.

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

He has history of a bad temper and being a bit lazy, but this is like nothing I have ever seen in him before.

Sorry for long post, but AIBU to think he should get the fuck over it and enjoy our new baby? Or am I doing something terribly wrong? Please be kind.

OP yes you're right , he's a spoilt wanker and should grow the fuck up.

dextersmummy that made me cry. I am so so sorry.

He sounds depressed. Men can get a form of PND too. Imagine if this were a woman feeling disappointed and disconnected from her new baby, upset over not having a girl, irritable and unhappy, withdrawn from family life... wouldn't you feel more sympathy?

It's awful for you, and he is being U, but it sounds like he needs help and support. Will he speak to his GP? Any close friends he can confide in?

Can you get him more involved in caring for his new son? Get him to give bottles of expressed milk, bath, dress him, choose clothes for him, push the pram? Ask his advice about things, make him feel included? I'm not saying you don't include him. Just that it might help to really show how much you want him to be part of the family and value his opinions. Can you ask him to plan a family day out for all of you or have baby by himself for a day?

There's so much support for women with PND but very little for men.

he's a fantasist. Having a baby boy is no different to having a baby girl in most respects. Im not sure what hes playing at, but I think you need to have a hard think about how its going to affect your lovely boys as they grow up knowing their dad resents them

Yup sounds like depression to me too.

My uncle had 3 boys with his wife. He was desperate for a girl and became a major arse with his wife for not giving him that girl

He ended up leaving her for another woman and got his "princess" daughter..

He was definitely more hands on with DS1 as a small baby, although it took encouragement. With this little guy though, he just can't seem to bother. I could kind of understand it if he was a really high-needs baby as I struggled to bond with my first.son - but I never left his side and did everything I could to be the best mum to him. Like I already said though, DS 2 is an easy guy.

I wonder if it's an excuse too. He's back now and just playing on the laptop. DS1 is much calmer and the baby's asleep, so I feel much calmer, just so confused.

What's stranger is that DH's best friend has a lovely 4 year old also with severe brain damage who cannot walk or talk. So how he could POSSIBLY feel hard done with 2 healthy boys is beyond me.

I do think men can be depressed when a new baby arrives, above and beyond feeling left out or tired. I understand why people think he should pull himself together but my DH (a brilliant husband and loving father) had a rough year after DS1 was born. We were both sleep deprived but there was something more fundamental about how he felt/behaved, and looking back he should have seen someone about it. He was a different person when DS2 came along.

I think you should talk to your GP about it and see if they might have a phone consultation with your DH if he won't go and see them. It's very easy to say 'he should snap out of it and pull himself together' but actually if he's been a good partner and dad up to now, there's more likely to be an underlying cause than just him being disappointed in having another son. That might feed into it but it will be part of a more complicated picture, I bet.

And huge hugs to you, OP. Things will get better.

I did think about male PND. I just don't know how to help when he refuses to see anyone. I also feel a bit gaslighted as most of the time he says his only problem is me and 'my big mouth'.

Thanks to all of you by the way xx It is really helpful having different angles to consider

It sounds like he wanted a girl as he assumed he'd be higher than her in the pecking order (perhaps that should be pecker order...)

A girl doesn't require any less attention and love than a boy. I think it's exactly as you say, he wants to be first in your attentions, and because the dc's are male, he feels more threatened. It's an awful attitude and one that he needs to unpick. He should definitely ask about counselling.

You don't get to be depressed because of having a boy and wanting a girl.

you get a child, a person, a human being, a person to love and nurture and if you are REALLY lucky you get to see them become an adult and live a happy and fulfilling life.

He is being selfish and a total tosser.

You are doing everything by yourself. Nothing would change if he wasn't around. Tell him to see now he likes life without the 3 of you. See if that gives him a reality check.

I've never heard of such nonsense.

I'm sorry you are with such a pathetic excuse for a man.

Do not allow him to treat your precious sons in this way.

Hmm. Part of me wants to kick his arse and tell him to grow up and be grateful he has a beautiful healthy child. Another part of me wonders if he really struggles to parent your strong willed son and in his head he dreamt and hoped that a girl would be different/easier. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed and ill equipped to deal with another 'difficult' boy experience.

I am not one of those people who think that there is no difference between boys and girls at all except the ones that come as the result of gender/social constructs, but I do think the differences are only ever generalised. Chances are a girl could/would have been a wild child and a total handful and this little boy will be a doddle.

He needs to speak to the GP I think. He's getting himself in a state.

Jonah excellent post .

he says his only problem is me and 'my big mouth'

In that case, the solution is simple, free him of his 'problem' and get yourself someone who sees you as a solution.

Men don't get post natal depression.

You don't get to be depressed because of having a boy and wanting a girl.

Nail on head.

He does sound depressed. But, frankly, he needs a kick up the arse and a large dose of perspective. We don't get to choose the sex of our babies, and he needs to get over himself. How dare he check out of family life and treat his entire family with contempt.

He needs an ultimatum. Get help, get therapy, get off his arse and start caring for his children again. Keep an eye on the drinking and verbal abuse as well - that's very worrying.

This situation is so ironic considering how most men in other parts of the world prefer sons, but it's tragic for you OP and for your darling baby.
Did he take more of an interest in his DS1 as he became older and started to independently interact with his father?
A friend grew up in a family where her father resented her older brother for not being a girl and the family dynamics were horrific with parents favouring a different child and the children feeling bewildered and insecure etc. In those days most couple stuck it out no matter how unhappy, mores the pity.
Toogood seek advice/referral from your GP for appropriate counselling in your area because this is a problem that is unlikely to resolve itself and you need support in dealing with the situation. Stress the urgency. Ideally your H ought to get help but looks as it at this point he will refuse. His bitter disappointment seems to have a deep and fundamental cause. Maybe his mum expressed disappointment that he wasn't a girl and in some twisted obscure way he wanted to produce the longed for girl.
DS1 will pick up on the vibes and this can affect his relationship with his wee brother.
Please do post in the future and let us know how you are dealing with the situation. You are in a heartbreaking situation at a time when you ought to be all cosyed up with your beautiful family.
I'm sure everyone reading your post is sending good wishes your way

I have two girls, I will be admit to being a little disappointed initially that the second wasn't a boy as it would have been nice to have one of each, but now she's here we totally adore her and think actually it's nice to have same sex siblings. My older one (nearly 3) sounds like your 4 year old - high maintenance and always having tantrums. Girls are not necessarily easier!

It must be really hard for you but gender disappointment doesn't just happen in women.

I have two sons and was disappointed to find out about DS2. Of course now I love him more than the entire world now but it took me a long time. I reckon it's even harder for men in a way because they don't carry or feed the child. We're helped by all sorts of hormones and there's a physical bond that men don't have.

It sounds like he needs some help. Which one I don't know. I don't think you're doing anything wrong and I feel your pain of having to do it all plus worrying about your DH lack of engagement.

Could you talk about it together? Could he talk to his parents? Friends? A GP? Do you have friends with 2 boys?

It'll be great when the boys are older, they will adore him, he'll always be their hero and he'll be able to relive his own childhood through them by showing old cartoons/comics/toys. My sons love their daddy, they love me I'm sure but they have a special daddy bond.

Good luck X

You can get depressed with out any reason at all, complete ignorance to suggest you need a 'legitimate reason' to be ill with depression.

OP no one on this thread can diagnose your dh either way, he needs an ultimatum - go to the GP to be assessed or move out and give you some space.

Seems to me that if he needed 'encouragement' to be hands-on with DS1, he can now see that he needs an actual excuse to not pitch in when you're struggling with two small kids - that's the point at which it becomes obvious that the other capable adult in the household should be doing some of the hard work. And he doesn't want to. So he's in a bad mood all the time due to being aware of this and is using the 'I wanted a girl' thing as an excuse. It just sounds like he's lazy and selfish to me, sorry.

He says he is jealous of the time my children take up and that I seem to have no room left for him.

It's also really fucking weird that you call them 'your' children in this sentence. It seems to show the problem quite clearly. He's decided he can't be arsed with having children, so he's handed them back. They're not his anymore.

Really almost? Sympathy for this man who said the problem is the op's "big mouth"?

It's obvious the gender disappointment (which I do believe is a thing as I experienced it myself) is an excuse for him to be a lazy twat, frankly.

I had an ex who wanted a girl and a boy, when seeing his family I could understand. His parents put him and his brother through a terrible cycle of competitiveness that never included the younger sister, they hated each other. They also went with the boys belong to mum and the girl to dad with some imaginable bond. We split before children but I could imagine him easily being depressed, spoke to him after I him and new partner stopped after first girl.

Seaflute, I have no idea if that is true about men getting a form of PND - but supposing it is, I think your comparism with mothers with PND is a red herring. Mothers with PND MAY be depressed and may feel disconnected from family life - but very, very rarely do they behave as OP's husband is doing and totally check out of family life, leaving their husband to do everything. They don't have a choice - no matter how much they are struggling to bond and however they feel on the inside, they still show up and meet their baby's needs. They generally don't have the option of leaving it to somebody else.

I'm sorry, OP, I think I would issue an ultimatum. Being a parent means putting your own feelings aside and meeting your childs emotional and physical needs; my DH struggles with severe depression and has never once treated our child badly or check out of family life. There may be an explanation for your husband's behaviour, but there's no excuse.