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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to dread today after dh yelled at me in front of my mum

113 replies

grahamcoxonsglasses · 09/09/2016 08:56

Last night, dh called me a fucking stupid deaf bitch, while my mum was within earshot (she's staying for my birthday weekend)

Context - our bedtime, 11:30ish dh checked on ds (8) who doesn't sleep !!

Me: Is he in bed?
DH: Yes
Me: Is he actually asleep? (in a surprised way!)
DH: He's going to get some water
Me: So he's not asleep?
DH: Like I said, he's going to get some water, you stupid deaf bitch.

This was completely out of the blue. My mum was just behind me, so i closed the door and told DH not to speak to me like that in front of my mum and he just got louder with a really aggressive tone.

So, I said goodnight to my mum and got into bed and did that silent crying thing. Ended up on the sofa, which i've explained away as being the result of a daddy longlegs in my room.

Today, I have the day off work to go shopping with my mum - it's going to be awkward and she's going to want to know why he spoke to me like that and I'll have to pretend it was nothing.

He's ruined my weekend.
:(

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2016 15:56

Sounds like your mum would be supportive.
How often does he have a 'quick drink on the way home' and come back and abuse you then?
Because once would be too many times for me!

Original poster

grahamcoxonsglasses · 09/09/2016 16:00

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about.

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 09/09/2016 16:01

I'd take your mum up on her offer.
Your dh is horrible

Olddear · 09/09/2016 16:03

Your mum is 'judgy?' I've judged him. And found him wanting.

liz70 · 09/09/2016 16:07

Please don't let your pride keep you in an abusive relationship, OP. If your mum heard that, she'll know now, if she didn't already, that all isn't well. Even if she can be a PITA sometimes, she sounds like she has your and your DS' welfare at heart, as it should be. If she offers you a home while you're thinking things over, don't dismiss that out of hand.

Branleuse · 09/09/2016 16:11

im sorry youre being verbally and emotionally abused by your husband OP. You dont have to live like that. Its not normal and its not ok x

Hissy · 09/09/2016 16:15

If I were your mum is batter him too!

Your mum should be judging him, because he's a vile abusive drunk.

Get him the fuck out of your lives for good asap.

Topseyt · 09/09/2016 16:23

Your mum would be totally right if she judged your DP as an abusive arse. He is.

What would be wrong with having her offer you and your DS space to come and stay at her house? As far as I can see that would be what you really need at this moment in time. Go for it.

Your FOod an abusive drunk. In fact, he is just plain abusive, even when sober.

Topseyt · 09/09/2016 16:24

*DP is an abusive drunk. Bloody phone.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/09/2016 16:30

God I'd be packing my daughter's bags. Where is your self respect?

My DD(20)'s boyfriend called her a "nasty cow" the other day. Hearing the story, at the time she was being quite nasty. But she packed up her stuff and left. He's been round crying and talked her round, apparently that sort of language and name calling is how his family communicate.

DD and I had a talk about respectful behaviour and how her Dad has never spoken to me like that. Boyfriend is on his last chance, if it were up to me he would be gone, I don't care how pretty and charming and lovely he is normally.

I would be very sad if you were my daughter.

MaQueen · 09/09/2016 16:38

I would be heartbroken if I had raised a DD who thought that being screamed at, like this, was to be tolerated.

Sounds to me like your Mum already has a good idea of what a twat your DH is. She is perfectly right to have judged him, and found him wanting. As have dozens of Mumsnetters...we can't all be wrong.

At the moment it is verbal and emotional abuse. How long before it becomes violence? I've recently been involved with a women's shelter and their stories are harrowing. But their stories always seem to have started the same way, with verbal abuse and happily belittling their wife/girlfriend in front of others. Then it always, always progressed...

emazinglol · 09/09/2016 16:39

My exH was like that - abusive when drunk, I think in hindsight knowing he could get away with it as I would try and forget it happened and act normal is why it also started to happen when he was sober. The line got blurred he didn't think he was wrong so he stopped with the apologies. It really wasn't a nice marriage and I was and still am so much happier and better off without him. Please know you are worth so much more than being his verbal punching bag it is not healthy for you or your children to live in this environment. 💐 For you keep strong think what you really want - not whats easiet and don't hide his behaviour from your family.

Trifleorbust · 09/09/2016 16:53

I would have told him to get out. A man who speaks to his partner like that will hit her one day, in my opinion. And there is simply no excuse for it. Bad husband.

StrongTeaHotShower · 09/09/2016 17:04

My Dp often accuses me of not listening and being deaf. It really seems to push his buttons and it causes him to lose his temper as well. I've also been very embarrassed if he's ever had a go at me within earshot of anyone else and gone to pains to play it down although to be honest the mask rarely slips unless he's drunk and then I can easily blame it on that. It's not right that we are th ones to feel embarrassed.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/09/2016 17:09

To add more food for thought:

You don't have to choose between your mums way and your partners way. There's a third way. Your way.

You can choose your way and whatever you want and need, for you and your child, well, it is just as valid. You're a person too, which means you get to have opinions, needs and desires that are about you, and about your DC.

RiverTam · 09/09/2016 17:15

Unfortunately your mum is right. You don't have to live with a verbally abusive drunk. Take her up on her offer, kick this man out of your life.

Capricorn76 · 09/09/2016 17:30

I dropped a male friend when we were about 18 when I heard him tell his mum to 'fuck off' and call her a 'stupid bitch'. A mutual friend who had known him since childhood said that that was how his dad spoke to his mum too. I felt so bad for that woman.

Do you want you 'DH' and adult son calling you a 'stupid bitch' in public like its nothing? If not, leave and take your son.

Trifleorbust · 09/09/2016 17:33

If he'd just been a bit rude and said, "I said he was getting water, are you deaf?" or similar, I wouldn't be saying LTB, but calling you a bitch? Calling you fucking stupid? Oh no, I would not be having this.

Original poster

grahamcoxonsglasses · 09/09/2016 17:39

Text received: Look I'm sorry about last night just tired i guess.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2016 17:41

Text received: Look I'm sorry about last night just tired i guess.

Hmm. Funny, when I'm tired I manage not to swear and shout and my husband. What are you going to say?

Trifleorbust · 09/09/2016 17:41

Fuck that, OP. You need to go absolutely bat shit.

liz70 · 09/09/2016 17:45

Men who thump their partners/wives often say "Sorry" afterwards. Doesn't make it okay...

Original poster

grahamcoxonsglasses · 09/09/2016 17:48

I'm meeting him at the shops soon - I won't make an issue of anything until my parents leave and there are no kids around. We have one son together and he has 2 at uni, one of them is living with us full time during the hols.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 09/09/2016 17:51

Why are you waiting until your parents leave to make an issue of it with him? He is behaving like this precisely because he thinks you will be too embarrassed to do anything, so he can get away with being abusive towards you. By the time they go he will have minimised it it and you will have rationalised it.

GoldFishFingerz · 09/09/2016 17:51

Forget your mum, it
doesn't matter one jot that it happened in front of her. At least he's been open with his vileness. What kind of an example is he setting to the children though? What kind of role model is he? My husband would never say anything like that.

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