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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to dread today after dh yelled at me in front of my mum

113 replies

grahamcoxonsglasses · 09/09/2016 08:56

Last night, dh called me a fucking stupid deaf bitch, while my mum was within earshot (she's staying for my birthday weekend)

Context - our bedtime, 11:30ish dh checked on ds (8) who doesn't sleep !!

Me: Is he in bed?
DH: Yes
Me: Is he actually asleep? (in a surprised way!)
DH: He's going to get some water
Me: So he's not asleep?
DH: Like I said, he's going to get some water, you stupid deaf bitch.

This was completely out of the blue. My mum was just behind me, so i closed the door and told DH not to speak to me like that in front of my mum and he just got louder with a really aggressive tone.

So, I said goodnight to my mum and got into bed and did that silent crying thing. Ended up on the sofa, which i've explained away as being the result of a daddy longlegs in my room.

Today, I have the day off work to go shopping with my mum - it's going to be awkward and she's going to want to know why he spoke to me like that and I'll have to pretend it was nothing.

He's ruined my weekend.
:(

OP posts:
RiverTam · 09/09/2016 09:20

If this is part and parcel of your life with this man then maybe talking to your mum would be a good thing? Because you should not have to live with someone who speaks to you like that.

YelloDraw · 09/09/2016 09:20

Exactly what hellsbellsmelons said.

It would break my heart if one of my children dismissed being shouted at
like that as 'nothing'.

YelloDraw · 09/09/2016 09:20

Could you go away for the weekend to oyur mums for a bit of TLC and to clear your head?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/09/2016 09:20

He yelled and swore at you, you silently cried, then slept on the couch? Sounds like you've been in an awful relationship for a while now, learning how to be quiet and keep out of his way? It's time to leave. Your DH isn't fit to scrape the shit from your shoes.

trafalgargal · 09/09/2016 09:21

Don't pretend. , tell your Mum honestly what is going on.

Bagina · 09/09/2016 09:28

Don't keep his vile behaviour a secret. You need your mum to have your back. What are things normally like? Me and dh clash quite regularly and we are far from saints, but he'd never say that. I think that language is particularly nasty.

BlueStockingUK · 09/09/2016 09:30

Was driving my DS in the car ( 23 yo) and his girlfriend rang ( 24 yo) she was apparently cross with something and knowing he was in the car with me, continued calling him a f*ing d*k and w*nker. I could hear every word. When the call ended I told him I was bloody mad. It is completely disrespectful and I honestly believe if you truly loved someone you wouldnt talk to them like that. I told him he had better have a word and he was embarrassed. The OP was swore at with her DM in the room...I certainly wouldn't have left it and gone to bed upset. I would have dragged/'commanded' him to another room, whilst I made his ears bleed !! I think it's down to love & respect. If our partners/children's partners have no fear or respect in swearing/shooting them down in front of anyone..I would question the relationship.
We all have bad days, we all get tired & grumpy & cross.
You can't undo, once the venom has left your mouth....especially from the parent who heard it.
A very, deep & sincere apology is needed to OP & mum. The first time, would be the only time it would be accepted.

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 09/09/2016 09:30

What worries me most, is that it seems to be your Mum hearing that concerns you, not how you were spoken to. Why is that? How often has your DS heard you spoken to like that? Is he growing up thinking that is how you treat a partner? Please tell your Mum everything, and consider going home with her when she goes.

bakeoffcake · 09/09/2016 09:31

Does he speak to you like this, often?

diddl · 09/09/2016 09:31

That is just so horrible.

" she's going to want to know why he spoke to me like that "

Because he's a nasty fucker.

I might have made a sarcastic comment to your question of your son being asleep, but there's no need for insults.

Oh and if he was going to get water, how was he in bed??

liz70 · 09/09/2016 09:32

If I heard a partner of any of my daughters speaking to them like that in my home, I would escort him out of the door. If in their home, I would tell my daughter to pack bags for herself and any children, and come back with me till the split was sorted out. Nobody should tolerate abuse like that.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/09/2016 09:33

What everybody else let has said.

And please consider getting this moved to Relationships, where there will be loads of help and wisdom for you.

And Happy Birthday! Flowers Make it your best year yet.

MinonsMovie · 09/09/2016 09:33

No defence. Yanbu. Is this really the first time? Or is it the first time another person has heard, so it has made you realise how off colour it is? Has your dc heard him speak this way? Does he speak to dc this way? Do you ever speak this way?

If it is truely TRUELY the first time then he owes you an explanation. Let's put some context here, he hasn't raised his hand, he's raised his voice. You can recover from this, but it needs to be addressed.

The words are horrible, but again, are these words that are common in your relationship or never uttered before in jest or rage?

In-laws add pressure to men as well as women. Having a mil to stay is very stressful. Having a child that doesn't sleep is very stressful. Having a partner who asks unnecessary questions is annoying. Is it a storm in a teacup? None of this is defence, but you need to have context.

The silent crying thing isn't going to solve anything. By definition he knows nothing of it, so he can (pretend) he thinks it is resolved. You need to explain to him how you feel after last night.

If you need to talk to mum about it, why not use the fact she is visiting as a good chance to get back to touch base with your husband. Ask her look after DC tonight and go out for a curry or beer or coffee or whatever you thing is.

FlyingElbows · 09/09/2016 09:36

If this is how he speaks to you infront of your mother I dread to think what he's doing when you're alone. Op do you understand that it's not normal to speak to your partner like that and that your desire to minimise it indicates a real problem?

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/09/2016 09:37

Be honest with your mother; it sounds as though you may need her support later on.

ohfourfoxache · 09/09/2016 09:41

Tell the truth, you don't have to hide

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2016 09:43

It's going to be awkward and she's going to want to know why he spoke to me like that and I'll have to pretend it was nothing.

Why should you pretend it was nothing? it WASN'T nothing. What would you say f one of your friends was being treated like this?

Tell your mum. Ask for her help. Sounds like he does this a lot if you have perfected silent crying and taking yourself to the spare room.

Shame on him. What a nasty bully. Bullies thrive on people not telling on them and not calling them on their bad behaviour. Shame him by telling people.

What do you want to do?

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/09/2016 09:43

Agree with the others, please don't keep his secrets, he sounds dreadful and you sound resigned to it, life doesn't have to be this way. He should be mortified, not you

ParadiseCity · 09/09/2016 09:44

It's your birthday weekend and your mum is with you. Get her support in getting rid of this horrible man and next birthday will be totally different for you. Flowers

merrymouse · 09/09/2016 09:45

I don't think anybody comes up with the words "fucking stupid deaf bitch" if they haven't used them before, and there is no reasoning that can make them anything other than cruel and nasty.

I suspect you are worried because you can no longer hide what is going on.

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 09/09/2016 09:46

I am sorry but I'm more worried about you being more bothered with the fact that your DM heard it rather than your DH talking to you like that. This is completely unacceptable and I can't imagine how you can have any of it. And how your DM would simply take it like that. My DD is small but believe me, when she's grown-up and has a partner, me and DH would make sure he'd be history after words like this. Even if I had to dig a hole in the garden to hide the body.

Corialanusburt · 09/09/2016 09:47

Get rid of this truly nasty man.

KoalaDownUnder · 09/09/2016 09:47

That is disgusting. How can he speak to his partner, and the mother of his child, like that?

I'm so sorry, OP, he doesn't deserve you.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 09:51

I think merrymouse has nailed it.

This man is not decent. He is showing his true colours in front other people. Take advantage. Garner support, not sweep it under the carpet and "pretend it was nothing".

NickiFury · 09/09/2016 09:55

I would have torn his head off for speaking to me like that, figuratively of course. I know this because my ex tried it a few times and got roasted, and I wouldn't care who was listening either.

You can not ignore someone speaking to you like that no matter how out of the ordinary it was. It's a slippery slope. I can guarantee it won't be the last time and I don't actually believe that it's unusual for him