AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

[iloveberries]

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

I honestly don't see how anyone could think that money paid by your ex for his son should be shared. I think you are behaving responsibly and fairly by saving the whole of it for your child. Whatever you do or don't do for the step children is completely separate.
The money you are saving is only available from your son's father and only he and you have any say at all in how it is used.
I am a mum of two and step mum of three all now grown up.

The only one's who benefit from his suggestion is his children.

I've always said that I wouldn't be with a man who makes me less well off or reduces my standard of living.

The same would apply here. You have a partner that (along with his kids) are essentially attempting to reduce your savings.

I think it's enough that you share the cost for the kid's clothes and holidays, but that's where it should end.

All this stems from the fact that he had less as a child, due to his richer stepmother.

He wants his kids to have more money at your expense. That wouldn't sit well with me, no matter how he tries to spin it.

I'm sure he tries to put a great argument forward for it, but you should stand your ground on this point and make it non negotiable.

He is happy to state the maintenance he pays his Ex isn't legally his. Well legally you don't have a parental responsibility for his DC, so why does he want a higher proportion of your money to go to his children.

You can't use an argument to your benefit in one breath, then disregard it in the next.

If legalities are the issue, then OPs DS needs his maintenance set aside, otherwise her partner's DCs get double the benefit, from their mother, the OP and their dad.

Ok, I now join the ranks that think he is taking advantage of you. He reduced the maintenance he pays his ex because of your DS?

So he's happy for his DC's standard of living with their mother to be compromised because he made a choice to live with a woman that has a child? His living expenses didn't change - it sounds like they got better. But his ex deserves less maintenance because... he thinks she fritters money away???

He wants to get hold of your DS maintenance, whilst at the same time not actually using the money he has 'saved' paying his ex to the benefit of your DS. Even though the reason he has clawed this money back from his ex is because your DS is now part of DPs household and therefore an additional expense and the sole reason DP has managed to reduce maintenance payments?

I completely agree with doin.

Anything else is just wrong imo.

OP be very careful that any decision you make does not come back to haunt you - as I said earlier I have lived experience of this - & my adult DSC have very fraught relationships with their mother now - as they now have a full understanding of where £40,000 from mine & my husbands house did (or didn't go)
& I have to tell you that it was pretty much an identical situation to what you are describing.

Tread with caution.

We receive maintenance from a NRP. The money goes towards school meals, uniform, clothes and everything else which a teenager needs. I would never dream of insisting it was spent on my DD instead - I actually give DSC a chunk of it for spends

nomud can you explain a bit more what you mean? I know it's late but it's a bit cryptic for me!

He reduced payments to ex as a result of living with a child and put the difference into savings for his kids

That's shocking ! So even though he doesn't support you son at all, he has taken money away from his children's mother, on the pretence that he does.

Well at least now you know - he will do exactly the same to you when you and he split up.

Thank goodness you ex is more decent and pays for his son .

I will come back tomorrow berries ** when I can make more sense! Iv had a long day at work so my apologies ....

But in a nutshell the mother of my stepchildren was in a relationship - her partner wanted what your partner does - his child was living with them as were my 2 DSC.

None of them wanted for anything, lovely house, holidays, big car etc. Both had jobs.

So naturally me & DH really wanted for the children's sake for their mother to save the maintainence payments.

But she didn't save the money ... It just got put into the family pot. my DSC were oblivious to this... Fast forward to them now being 21& 22 and both children have gone from having good relationships with their mum , to having very poor relationships with her.

They feel very resentful that their stepfathers son has benefitted from money that could have been saved for their future in the absence of it being needed for bills.

£40,000 berry of years of maintainence I would have loved to have seen them benefit from it , & set them up for adulthood. Life is so hard & nobody can predict what will happen for them in the future.

So my story is more or less about reminding you to consider how your DC will perceive any decision you make when he is an adult.

Definitely keep the pot for your child.

I can't answer that, OP. But it seems logical that if you're pooling joint 'income' then you're also assuming joint expenses

If it is a joint expense then he should be increasing his ex's CM what with taking the op 's salary into account and all.

But it's not a joint expense so they don't do that.

Nomud your DSC don't come out in good light at all. I would be ashamed of their behaviour to be honest. And if you wanted to help them so badly then YOU should have saved for them , not dictate/expect their mum to from her household income (because your maintenance payments were used to cover 'half' the costs of bringing them up, any savings would be from her family's money - her family includs her DSS )

Spoilt and ungrateful ,they appear, your DSC. I only feel for the mother (who did her best to provide for them whilst they were young) and the step brother (who now knows how little your DSC think of him). Shame.

nomud. FGS.

That money was NOT theirs. It was money to raise the children - why should their mother have used 100% of HER money to raise them?

Bloody hell nomud. That money paid for half of bringing them up.

Why should she save it.

Why didn't you save for them then?

Hmm - so he reduces his maintenance as your ds now lives in the house.

He reduces his individual expenditure on his children because you split child related costs 50/50 (2 vs 1).

He reduces his living expenditure because you split bills etc 50/50.

He reduces the amount of time he spends on household chores because you moved in.

He reduces his amount of time on child related chores because you moved in.

You are going to reduce your career so he can accelerate his (longer hours etc).

Now he wants half your child's maintenance money... Fuck That.

How much, financially, better off is he since you moved in? He could save this surplus for his kids. When you go p/t will you still pay 50/50? (Sorry if I missed that bit.

He is all about the money. Red flags are flying.

Does your partner pay the CMS minimum calculation? Does he review it annually after pay reviews or bonuses or overtime? If it's not via CMS Does he ensure on a bonus month (for example) he ups the amount he gives his ex?

Some men avoid CMS because they can avoid annual reviews...

Nomud - that's awful. Why on earth do your step children think maintenance should be automatically saved for them? Why is it not to provide 50% (usually far less) of their day to day living costs?

Their Mum had primary residency, worked her butt off in employment to provide a nice life whilst doing all the daily child related tasks - pack ups, dentist etc.

Some family's save for their kids, some don't. Would an adult child from non divorced parents say 'well mum and dad, you both worked hard, gave us holidays, we had nice cars, a nice home but you didn't save £20k each for me and my brother Dave. We know you could afford to, but because you didn't bother that's the end of our relationship. Screw you both'.
Very sad and I hope they realise their mistake one day.

If the cost of providing for a child is say £800 a month. The NRP pays maintenance of £400 - which the RP saves (because s/he can afford to). Then it's the RP who is saving for the kids but no doubt the NRP gets the thanks. Better for the RP to save £350 or £450 as a regular amount the day their wages go in and put NRP money into the bill account. Or save the £400 in an account in RP name and donate a cash gift lump sum when they buy a house/marry/have a child.

Nomad - maybe their mum has done this for your step kids. Maybe now they'll never know.

Nomud - Assuming dad paid maintenance for 10 years. 40k, 2 kids, 10 years is £167 per month each. (£334 PM if he paid for 5 years).

So potentially dad paid £167 (£334) each per month towards living costs, mum/step dad paid the rest. They lived in a nice house (presumably near a nice school to give them the best start), were driven places in a nice car (presumably a large car that is safe in a crash - certainly the only reason I choose my current car), went on nice holidays, went on school trips, days out. You say they had a good relationship with their Mum.

I really hope their dad has done all he can to make them realise that his contribution was towards their daily expenditure and their attitude is awful. 40k sounds an awful lot of money but they need to break it down.

I can't believe he reduced his maintenance as your DC now lives in the house. Did your SC moving in cause him so much expense he had to reduce the amount of money he contributed towards their day to day living? Makes me sick.

Regardless of the technicalities of what is 'equal' in this situation or who is benefiting at the expense of whom, I don't think I could move in with someone who couldn't see our children as part of the same family, deserving of the same treatment in the long term. If you are always counting up the pennies and trying to determine whether 'your' child or joint child might be losing out, you will always be putting 'his' children in a separate category, and that is no way for a family to live.

If it is a joint expense then he should be increasing his ex's CM what with taking the op 's salary into account and all.

It is a joint expense if all money is pooled in their household, regardless of the fact that the amount owed is based only on his salary.

What a ridiculous argument.

Most mothers have to use maintenance for day to day expenses of the children. It is a very rare parent even on my income level who would be able to save it. So I don't think the fact someone does or does not save it should be relevant or wrong if they don't save it. The biggest risk here is giving up a career path and earning less because of having a baby with a new partner to whom you are not married as that has huge long term implications for a 20 year career beyond that, for pension contributions and all sorts. The live in boy friend here is also having a baby so how is he going to manage parental leave, childcare for his new child etc or will he just foist a lot of it on his live in new partner who will have to put her career second?

The live in boy friend here is also having a baby so how is he going to manage parental leave, childcare for his new child etc or will he just foist a lot of it on his live in new partner who will have to put her career second?

My money's on this

Then when he leaves her he will move in with another woman with kids and reduce maintenance for his child. Because she's a feckless bitch who fritters it away

I agree that nomuds children come out of this in a very bad light. Did they get their attitude from you and your dad? Have you fed them the line it should have been saved, because if so you have helped ruin an otherwise positive relationship where the mum gave them a great upbringing.
It wasn't up to the mum to pay for all the day to day lives in order to give Dads money to the kids. As others have said, that money was to pay half of their upkeep. If mum earnt enough to be able to save then that is her savings to do with as she wished. IT IS NOT THE KIDS
You never know she may well have chosen to use that to help them but if my kids had a shitty entitled attitude encouraged by dad and his new wife then I would definitely not be sending any money their way.

I think this is what cafe has been trying to get across to the op. The op is looking at the potential savings as ds's money, whereas Dp is looking at it as family money. It is not ds's, it is the ops to choose to do with as she wants. She can choose to save it for DS but it is her money she is choosing to save for him, not Ds's in his own right.

OP,

You aren't going to be giving up your career are you?

The fact that he's decreased his Ex's maintenance doesn't suprise me, but I see him gaining every which way here. His maintenance decreases and he benefits by having the OP pay towards his children's holidays etc.

Then to crown it all off ...... he now wants her DSs maintenance to be shared among his children. I honestly don't know how he has the barefaced cheek to say it.

He wants another man to contribute to his DCs savings. No doubt he wouldn't want to see it this way, but that's effectively what he's doing.

If your parents suddenly decided to gift you £500 a month and you saved some for your DS, would he want that going to the joint pot as well?

Always always protect your DSs future finances and don't allow him to be disadvantaged because you have a new DP, who's children are taking some of the money that is rightfully his. Because when you cut to the chase, that's exactly what your DP is proposing.

Christ what a mess. Certain things really jump out to me

He reduced payments to ex as a result of living with a child and put the difference into savings for his kids. That was my suggestion as he is worried she fritters it but we don't need the extra money from him to subsidise my son

What dp ex does with the maintenance is not your dp or our business. Presumably she lives in a house that her children also live in and she feeds them and buys them clothes. This is what maintenance is for. The fact you've encouraged dp to put the difference Into savings suggests you agree with him that she "fritters" it away. In the same situation I would have encouraged him to just carry on paying the same amount to the ex. It's all good and well saying that you don't need the extra money to subsidise your son but he's paying less on the basis that he lives with you.

You also suggest you might consider sending DC to private school using the money you've saved (not maintenance as others have said, the saving came out of your money) cab you afford to send your joint dc to private school too? Because if you can't then you are setting yourself up for a disaster.

You come off way better in the house situation, the only fair way to split it would be 50/50 less whatever you both put in for deposit.