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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 20:44

toastie that's how I see it!

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 20:47

doinit thank you I will use those arguments about maintenance with him as I think they are valid.

The rest of the financial stuff doesn't favour him which is why I don't think he's trying to do me over or anything like that.

On housework - he has longer hours and I have more flex to work at home so I can do more around the house as have more time to. I actually think this is fair and I don't feel taken advantage of.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 21:01

Doin

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the "fast one".

It's certainly pulling a fast one IMO.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 21:02

Doin

I agree with you, just in case that wasn't clear.

ToastieRoastie · 07/09/2016 21:02

Because it's the logical way to see it Grin.

I just read your DP comment about wanting to show his DC they were treated fairly. Well they are being treated fairly - they have a mum and a dad to provide for them, they have the same treats as your DC, you moving in with their dad does not mean they miss out on anything materially (in fact they are better off as you are contributing proportionally more to the household than their dad is).

I can understand his feelings but he chose to have two DC with a woman that he now considers not to be as good a mother as she could be. Well that is their mum, she loves them and (I imagine) does the best she can for them. He can't look to you, and your sons maintenance one, to make up any perceived shortfalls in the woman he chose to have DC with.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 21:05

Jess

Made me promise to never say that to step mum because she'd be really hurt

Why? Is your biological mother not alive?

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 21:15

What I see here, is that your DP knows that he alone cannot save the amount you do for DS, for his own DCs. So in order to level things out, he has to take some more of your money/DSs maintenance.

That is really the long and short of it.

Without you in his life he wouldn't be able to save that amount.

So you can view it as he wants your DSs maintenance or that he wants a higher savings contributing from you/your earnings to achieve his goal of getting more money for his DC. Either way your DS loses and his DC gain.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 21:17

Another good point sandy. If he were living alone he wouldn't be able to save the equivalent for each of his DC.

OP posts:
Spice22 · 07/09/2016 21:20

I have not RTFT
I think family pot. If you want to be a family that shares income then you have to share income. Why should your DC be special? Combine all income and suggest that you ,the household, save for all three kids (as you are all family now and don't want resentment to build). Obviously keep what you have already saved for him.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 21:32

Do you know what's really weird about this whole situation?

You saying: "I save the amount I get in maintenance for my child and support us both fully financially."

And then him saying: "Even though you are paying more than the 2/5 share you should by happily paying 2.5/5 I demand access to your savings for my children. I will fight you on this if you refuse."

I could never imagine my husband demanding more money from me, ever. If I told him I was saving for something important he would just drop the subject. Does it concern you he is begging for your savings? I think it's disgusting.

Sprink · 07/09/2016 21:54

If the money he pays to his ex is not legally his, then the money your ex pays for his son is not legally yours.

The money he pays his Ex is hers, not his children's. Legally.

The money OP receives from her Ex is hers. Not the OP's child. Legally.

Essentially, the OP's maintenance payments should be considered income. If that's the case, it's not unreasonable for her partner to think it belongs in the pot.

His full income should also be there.

AGAIN, the issue here (as I think Creme stated ages ago) is not what/how goes in, but what/how comes out.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 22:02

So does that mean that the money he pays for his kids is then considered as "his" spending?

OP posts:
Sprink · 07/09/2016 22:11

I can't answer that, OP. But it seems logical that if you're pooling joint 'income' then you're also assuming joint expenses.

What's mine is yours, etc...

BaggyCheeks · 07/09/2016 22:14

It's an expense, and should be counted as one whether that's joint or individual.

Will he be reducing the payments due to him living with a child full time?

Sprink · 07/09/2016 22:14

You need to decide what are joint expenses (I prefer to think of them as necessities and financial goals) and what are 'personal' expenses.

You also need to agree on what 'income' means.

I genuinely wish you luck through this labyrinth. It's not easy, but as I said before, must be done.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 22:15

iloveberries. There are so many posts, it's a lot to get your head around!ll

My post just after 16:00 - do you think that arrangement could work for you?

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 22:16

He reduced payments to ex as a result of living with a child and put the difference into savings for his kids. That was my suggestion as he is worried she fritters it but we don't need the extra money from him to subsidise my son

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 22:19

Yes cafe I screen grabbed that post!

Do you think therefore that maintenance forms part of my income? Feels like in your scenario it should

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 22:25

He reduced payments to ex as a result of living with a child and put the difference into savings for his kids.

Shock

Fucking hell.

One woman "fritters" his money, so he finds a way to claw some back from her.

Another woman is careful with money, so he finds a way to ge5 his hands on the money she has saved for her son.

Right, so his children are already "better off" (within your household at least) now that he is living with you.

But it's not enough for him.

He does not sound like a good man at all.

Seems he's paying the legal minimum for his children and took the first opportunity to reduce it, despite his bollocks about it not being his money.

BaggyCheeks · 07/09/2016 22:25

It's interesting that he only saves it based on your suggestion. You've definitely had a lot of opinions, I hope they're helping you.

I think the only thing I'd change about cafe's suggestion at 1600 is to have the savings as personal expenditure, so you can still save whatever you want for your DS and new baby regardless of what your DP does. He can save for your step children, he already is.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 22:32

Yes. You really need to stop seeing the money your ex pays as DS's or 'savings'. It's not. It's for bills to assist in raising his child. The money saved is out of YOUR wages.

However, in my proposed solution, it's irrelevant where the money comes from. What counts is having joint & separate spending. Both agreeing what goes on each list. Putting 50/50 into that & keeping the rest for yourselves, separately.

Somethings might look like they're in the wrong bit, but I gave it a lot of thought. I'd have done a few things differently if you both had the same number of existing children & if you weren't pregnant, but I think both those factors balance other things out.

I know you'll be on maternity leave before long, but out of your lifetime tigether that'll be a relatively small diversion from 'the norm' & you can work out a plan for that time after you have agreed on the main plan. IMO

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 22:37

baggy. My thinking on doing it from the joint account is that then he is accountable to berries for the savings part of it. It's locked in. It's 'spent' which might mean he doesn't overspend on cars etc. Which will mean all 4 children will have a savings pot, not just hers & theirs. There's nothing to stop berries saving more for her DS & their DC if she wants to/can.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 22:39

That's good advice from CafeCremeEtCroissant

A joint 50/50 account and then whatever is left over as separate finances is the best and fairest way to handle situations such as this.

I can't see a reason why your DP would have an objection to this, the only issue would be if he is resentful your child will end up "richer" than his because you've saved up for them, and then if he does have an issue with that you know he is being very unreasonable indeed.

NoMudNoLotus · 07/09/2016 22:41

Please keep this for your children OP.

They deserve no less - I have lived experience of this & believe me you should not move on this .

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 22:42

The only thing I would change from that suggestion is the savings pots- that's an unnecessary complication IMO. Just let each parent save for their own child as they see fit. I don't agree OP should save money for her partner's children unless his ex wife is saving the same for his son and then it's all a waste of time anyway.

Just split all household expenses 50/50 and then keep the rest of your money separate.