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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party invite dilema

83 replies

nogrip · 06/09/2016 09:37

My DS is having his 6th birthday party in a few weeks and we are compiling the list of kids he wants to invite as I need to get invitations out soon.

He wants to invite all the boys in his class - fine - except one boy who he doesn't like' because he fights'. This boy has some additional needs ie he has trouble sitting still in class, is behind the other kids in his learning. I don't know exactly what the additional needs are, but he needs a lot of supervision. (Just some background info)

I want him to invite the boy as he will feel awful if he realises hes the only one left out. Hes only 5, but I can see him getting left out of all friendship groups, and this will make it worse. Also I will feel dreadful seeing his Mum at school, and her very possibly knowing her son is the only one not invited. I know I would be gutted for my son if it happened to him.

I have enough adults coming that he can be 'looked after' and not ruin games etc by running about and not listening to the rules etc, so do I invite him even though my son doesn't want him there?

Am really confused and unsure what to do, AIBU to ask him anyway?

OP posts:

0hCrepe · 06/09/2016 09:41

I think you should. Hopefully his mum or dad are hands on and will come to support him. But also don't be afraid of setting ground rules for all children at the party and being bossy!

NapQueen · 06/09/2016 09:43

Maybe you could give your son a choice - all the boys in the class or he can choose six friends (example). So either lots left out or none left out (which are both acceptable!).

ImYourMama · 06/09/2016 09:43

You're teaching your son compassion and inclusion - just set ground rules at the beginning and have all the mums phone numbers in case anything was to get out of hand

OhMyWord16 · 06/09/2016 09:44

Invite the boy; you'll be setting your son a good example of inclusivity.

ImYourMama · 06/09/2016 09:44

You're teaching your son compassion and inclusion - just set ground rules at the beginning and have all the mums phone numbers in case anything was to get out of hand

ImYourMama · 06/09/2016 09:44

You're teaching your son compassion and inclusion - just set ground rules at the beginning and have all the mums phone numbers in case anything was to get out of hand

NataliaOsipova · 06/09/2016 09:44

You're right - you should. It's awful to leave out just one child. Worth gently explaining to your son why he should ask him and that he wouldn't like to be the only one excluded. By the sound of it, his mum will be fully aware that it might be an issue - could you gently suggest to her that she stays at the party? ("You'd be very welcome to stay for a cup of tea - can always do with some extra hands" sort of thing).

FrancisCrawford · 06/09/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swirlingasong · 06/09/2016 09:45

Talk to your son. Explain that if he wants to invite all the boys, he must invite them all so no one is left out. If he is really unhappy about this, give him the option of a smaller party with, say, just 6 friends.

PotOfYoghurt · 06/09/2016 09:46

You're doing the right thing. But he's turning six so is more than Abel to have a conversation with you about why it's important to not exclude him, and how he might feel.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 06/09/2016 09:47

I'm sure lots of people will tell you that you shouldn't invite the one boy, but as someone who never quite fitted in at school, it's horrible to be the one excluded especially if everyone else is invited. If it was 3 or more boys not being invited, or if your son was being deliberately bullied by this boy (this doesn't sound like the case) I would understand.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/09/2016 09:47

It's a no-brainer, to me. Of course you invite him, and you have a conversation with your DS about why.

It's kind of too bad if he doesn't want him there.

0hCrepe · 06/09/2016 09:48

A friend of ds's mum always came along to parties even up to age 11 and when he came for tea to help support her ds. She didn't intervene much but was a calming influence on him or he could take a bit of time with her to play with his figures etc if he was struggling with the activity.

Creativemode · 06/09/2016 09:49

Yes you should invite the child. You can't leave out one boy.

Madinche1sea · 06/09/2016 09:50

Absolutely invite him. I never let my kids leave anybody out - they need to learn tolerance and compassion. Also they will meet all sorts of people in their lives and need to learn how to deal with them and get on with it.

Enjoy the party !

MoreGilmoreGirls · 06/09/2016 09:50

I agree you can't just exclude one. Please invite him and explain to your son.

GinIsIn · 06/09/2016 09:52

I think it's really lovely that you are thinking about this little boy - I think you would be absolutely right to invite him if all the other boys are coming - have a chat with your DS, and explain why it isn't nice to leave one person out, and suggest that either you invite everyone or he just invites a small group of friends.

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 09:53

You can't leave 1 child out. It sounds like the child can't help his behaviour rather than him being naughty.

Couod you ask his mum to stay to help support him?

brasty · 06/09/2016 09:55

I always wonder if all these adults invite other adults who are seen as difficult to their own birthday dos?

0hCrepe · 06/09/2016 09:59

Yes I do. I wouldn't leave out one of the team and in fact choose a venue to make sure she can attend.

Assam · 06/09/2016 10:02

Of course you should invite him

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 10:02

Would you leave a single work colleague our becsuse they had a disability/learning difficulty/other medical condition?

No?

This is what this child has.

attheendoftheday · 06/09/2016 10:03

Yes, you should invite him. I think you are being very kind and encouraging your son to be kind and inclusive.

Brasty, it's a bit different with adults. For starters you don't have a bigger person supervising who can control the situation. Also adults can be considered more responsible for their actions which might lead to them being excluded than children can. And adult parties are based on interactions rather than activities like children's parties.

I take it you would exclude the one child with special needs?

YelloDraw · 06/09/2016 10:03

I always wonder if all these adults invite other adults who are seen as difficult to their own birthday dos?

Well you don't invite all but one member of your department at work to your leaving partydo you? That is about the closest situation.

You don't invite all but one member of your NCT group to coiffee.

Etc.

It is pretty normal not to leave just one person from a defined 'group' out!

Aworldofmyown · 06/09/2016 10:04

brasty thats not really the same is it? A 'difficult' adult can't be excused because of age/still learning.

However in the interest of being a decent person, even as an adult, I wouldn't leave one person out in a group just because they were 'a bit difficult'.

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