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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party invite dilema

83 replies

nogrip · 06/09/2016 09:37

My DS is having his 6th birthday party in a few weeks and we are compiling the list of kids he wants to invite as I need to get invitations out soon.

He wants to invite all the boys in his class - fine - except one boy who he doesn't like' because he fights'. This boy has some additional needs ie he has trouble sitting still in class, is behind the other kids in his learning. I don't know exactly what the additional needs are, but he needs a lot of supervision. (Just some background info)

I want him to invite the boy as he will feel awful if he realises hes the only one left out. Hes only 5, but I can see him getting left out of all friendship groups, and this will make it worse. Also I will feel dreadful seeing his Mum at school, and her very possibly knowing her son is the only one not invited. I know I would be gutted for my son if it happened to him.

I have enough adults coming that he can be 'looked after' and not ruin games etc by running about and not listening to the rules etc, so do I invite him even though my son doesn't want him there?

Am really confused and unsure what to do, AIBU to ask him anyway?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 06/09/2016 10:11

I had pretty much this situation for DS's recent 6th birthday - not the whole class, but he wanted to invite all but one of his particular group of friends - a child with learning difficulties whom he'd recently fallen out with (but made up with almost instantly! DS is autistic and can get very set on certain ideas). Anyway, I just invited him - like you I thought it would be really awful to allow him to exclude just one of the friendship group and explained this to DS. DS threatened not to go to his own party, but I just told him that's how it was going to be. He accepted it eventually, ended up having a lovely time and they have been better friends since! I would definitely advise you to invite the child.

Ivechangedmyname1 · 06/09/2016 10:12

I've experience this, my dd has learning difficulties as well as othe various development delays and medical conditions. She can be difficult to say the least but when she's invited to a party she's elated and tries her very best to behave.

She's been devastated when not invited to a party and worries people don't like her, understand her. She's trying to 'fit in' but it's hard for her.

Please invite the child, I can understand your sons reservations because my ds is the same with his sister but it's compassion as someone said up thread.

MoreCoffeeNow · 06/09/2016 10:14

He shouldn't have to have someone at his party that he doesn't want. It's his party. BUT, as others have said, he can leave out more than one and have a smaller party.

DownTownAbbey · 06/09/2016 10:15

I'm the mother of one of those little boys that always gets left out. He's autistic and at 5 he was a real handful. One mum had a party for her daughter and invited the whole class, including my DS. I was incredibly touched and DS was thrilled. I shadowed him the whole time to make sure all was well and was happy to do that rather than chat with the other mums (a child's disability can be very isolating for the parents,too). I think you're lovely considering this boy's feelings and teaching your son compassion. I also think pp's idea of giving your DS the option of all or picking six friends is fine. I would add that if you do invite this boy his parents should show willing to stick around.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/09/2016 10:15

You can't invite all the boys aside from little Joe. Imagine if it were your little one.

Lancelottie · 06/09/2016 10:17

The thing about 'inviting half and leaving out half' is that even though it sounds OK, there are some children who will be in the the left-out half for every party.

And any child will notice if they are never one of the ones invited. How could they not?

Been there.

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 10:21

Yes been there too lancelotte

PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 06/09/2016 10:24

We held a pasty last year and invited a kid who often ends up here of an evening, he's a bit challenging but we're quite experienced that way (read: three asd kids of our own) so didn't think much of it.

He confessed during the party that at ten he'd never been invited to one before. Ever. this child hs SN and was taken from his mum due to neglect; I had to go have a quick little weep. He's a lovely kid, just needs guidelines and to feel valued. When he did get OTT I took him aside and chatted to him about how we behave when we want to be part of a group, and he was fine.

From the other side, as the SN mum, mine have been excluded and it hurts. I'm not pretending all SN mums are the same but most would be extremely happy to be asked along to accompany, and the easiest thing is usually to grab mum before the invites go out and just say you're sending an invite, she or someone else would be very welcome to come with the child if needed.

Original poster

nogrip · 06/09/2016 10:26

Thanks for the replies. I will take to my son today about how he would feel and that its the right thing to do. Hes quite mature (for a 5 year old!) and I will explain it in simple terms.

I just cant leave him out, I just cant, whatever my son says

The party is in a hall, so plenty of space; also, the party is a big party as we are getting it free, so I want to make the most of it. Usually we just do smaller ones when we could just invite 6 boys or whatever. A company is organising the whole thing (which is a blessed relief as I normally organise all the games, but its all being done for me this time)

OP posts:

Mischa123 · 06/09/2016 10:27

my daughter was once the only girl in her class not invited to a party. She was devastated. She didn't like the girl but she was only 5 and it really hurt. It was the girl and her mum being mean rather than my child having issues but I would never leave one child out.

Nedisabloodydonkey · 06/09/2016 10:28

You ABSOLUTELY cannot invite all boys and leave him out. You can invite 4-5 though. Well, you can leave him out but it will be horrendous for the kid and parents. As a mum of a child with SN I can't tell you the damage this did to my child. It went right up to yr6. It was crucifying to watch. I would invite him but approach the mum kindly and say you would like him at the party but are aware he finds some situations overwhelming and is there anything you could do to ensure everyone will enjoy it. I would also expect her to stay. Kids with SN can be disruptive and annoying. I am not going to pretend that isn't the truth sometimes, however they still have very sensitive feelings and desire for friendships. They are also not being difficult to be malicious.

gamerchick · 06/09/2016 10:31

You don't need to assume his mother will drop and run. Most of us with kids with additional needs stay to support. The one party my 9 yr old has been invited to a few years ago there was 2 people there to support him and he had an amazing time.

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 10:31

If it's a big party in a big hall then perhaps if you do have lots of help it would be an idea to set aside a quieter time out area - not just for this child but any who might become overwhelmed.

My Ds loves parties & discos etc but always ends up with a headache or feeling a bit sick due to sensory overload.

Taking him aside to help with a job or just to get a drink & a bit of air is ver useful sometimes.

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 10:33

And just to say op you sound lovely. Thank you for not excluding this little boy like so many parents would.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/09/2016 10:35

Please invite him.

My DD always wanted to invite everyone in her class, and I particularly remember one little boy - they were about 8 - who was just a little bit 'odd'.

He said, 'Thank you for inviting me to your party - nobody else does.'

I could still almost cry to think of it, so many years later.

BluebirdHill · 06/09/2016 10:37

There was a very badly behaved child in my DS's reception class and I worried about this when it came to his party that year. But didn't want to leave anyone out so I invited child. They turned up and were good as gold. Later turned out child have severe mental health condition that hadn't been diagnosed and that wasn't helped by home life. They moved to another more specialised school then but I was glad I'd done the right thing. Invite them and just have a plan for taking them aside if things get sticky.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 06/09/2016 10:38

Agree that it would be very unkind to invite all the boys except this one.

Would you be able to ask or suggest to his mum that she comes too, in case it gets overwhelming for him?

itsmine · 06/09/2016 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlotterOfPlots · 06/09/2016 10:48

I've got this one wrong in the past, DD was adamant she wouldn't invite X so I asked her to leave other children off the list too. Result: we had 6 disappointed children instead of 1. I know my child's party wasn't central to their universe, but the more children you strike off the list on the alleged grounds of kindness, the closer friends you are removing from the list and the more chance of removing someone who feels they are really very good friends with the birthday child, and are very hurt to be left out. It's not a way to harmony and joy. I am not convinced X even knew how many others were invited or not. Generally I think smaller parties work much better, but not when you're carving up the guest list and striking off friends for the sake of it.

I don't know if you have the option of tactfully asking a parent to stay?When DS invited a friend who has a 1 to 1 at school, I was kind of assuming a parent would stay. They did and it worked beautifully. But I can imagine it's trickier with a child who needs less help, in that they are more likely to be dropped and left.

allcatsaregrey · 06/09/2016 11:03

My 10 year old daughter has some special needs. There is nothing wrong with her behaviour but still she doesn't get invited to anything as she is the class "weirdo". Funny how kids are happy to come to her party but very rarely is she invited back. She spent one school year at a nursery for kids with speech and language difficulties and she had more party invites in that year than she has for the rest of her school life.

I can assure you any extra effort made by other parents is much appreciated by the child and their parents.

Original poster

nogrip · 06/09/2016 11:05

Yes, I will ask the mum to stay - tbh they mostly all stay at parties still round here. Shes very young, only looks late teens herself, it must be hard for her. We say hi in the playground but haven't had a chat.

Again, thanks for your comments, much appreciated. I will ask him after speaking to my son. I just cant not ask him whatever DS says

OP posts:

Ilovewillow · 06/09/2016 11:06

I would either invite him or limit the numbers so he isn't the only one not invited. I would lean more to inviting though and use it as an opportunity to show compassion and kindness in action.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2016 11:13

You do sound like a lovely mum. I hope you can talk your son around, to understand why it's the nice thing to do, to invite this little boy.
I'm sure his mum will appreciate it, and be willing to stay and help, to make sure that her son is ok.

SharonfromEON · 06/09/2016 11:24

MY DS invited a girl with SN to his 4th and 5th party.. Because he liked her ..He used to look out for her at lunchtime..She is no longer invited because she is a girl and he only wants boys at his party..Mum always stayed..

Big hall = lots of space..But if your DS is adamant then smaller party. You cannot exclude one boy.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 11:52

Yes you have to, you cannot invite all the boys except 1, that is mean and you will not be setting a good example. You have just described my developmentally delayed, speech delayed ds, who has just started school for the first time today. Though he does not fight, he sounds very similar, and I would be absolutely devastated for him, if he was the only one left out of a party where all the boys were invited, but him. It could make it worse for him, he could be picked on because of being the only one not there. If your ds really does not want him there, invite half the class and a mix of boys and girls, but not just the boys and leave him out.

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