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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party invite dilema

83 replies

nogrip · 06/09/2016 09:37

My DS is having his 6th birthday party in a few weeks and we are compiling the list of kids he wants to invite as I need to get invitations out soon.

He wants to invite all the boys in his class - fine - except one boy who he doesn't like' because he fights'. This boy has some additional needs ie he has trouble sitting still in class, is behind the other kids in his learning. I don't know exactly what the additional needs are, but he needs a lot of supervision. (Just some background info)

I want him to invite the boy as he will feel awful if he realises hes the only one left out. Hes only 5, but I can see him getting left out of all friendship groups, and this will make it worse. Also I will feel dreadful seeing his Mum at school, and her very possibly knowing her son is the only one not invited. I know I would be gutted for my son if it happened to him.

I have enough adults coming that he can be 'looked after' and not ruin games etc by running about and not listening to the rules etc, so do I invite him even though my son doesn't want him there?

Am really confused and unsure what to do, AIBU to ask him anyway?

OP posts:

Cakescakescakes · 06/09/2016 12:01

My son is 6 and has SEN and has never been invited to a birthday party. He is a lovely warm natured little boy and I would move heaven and earth to make sure him attending was as easy and non disruptive as possible (eg me staying, is leaving early if needs be, doing lots of prep with him, pre visit to the venue too) but we've never been given the chance. It is really completely and utterly heartbreaking.

Nataleejah · 06/09/2016 12:54

If you have enough adults to handle him, then you absolutely should invite.

VioletBam · 06/09/2016 12:57

Tell him it's either 3 or 4 boys or ALL the boys. Not all the boys bar one.

He mustn't be allowed to exclude like that!

amammabear · 06/09/2016 13:09

As the parent of a child who was/is the one no-one wants to invite, I'd like to say thank you to you for being so considerate! The worst thing about it is that I've known on more than one occasion that the children DID want my daughter there, but the parents are the ones that refused- and that's just hideous!

Eyedrophell · 06/09/2016 13:13

Cakescakescakes - it's so heartbreaking. We had my sons ados assessment recently and she asked me of he has play dates, a few people have come over, she asked if he'd ever been invited back, nope. It then occurred to me that as parties are getting smaller (Ds is 8) so tend to be a few friends, he hasn't had any invited this year. Broke my heart.

manicinsomniac · 06/09/2016 13:28

Great that you're inviting him. So much better, for everyone concerned, to be inclusive.

A few months ago my 9 year old was invited to a 9th party along with the whole of her class (only 12 kids in the class so not a huge invite list). One of the boys has significant social and learning needs and is a looked after child. 8 of the other children (or their parents more likely!) turned down their invites because this child with AN had been invited. Seemed like a terrible situation and my daughter was full of 'Oh, X is crying and is going to uninvite Y because A, B, C, D, E, F, G and H say they won't come and it will be no fun' etc. But no, X's mum just shrugged her shoulders, told the rest of us her budget was now significantly higher and, instead of a cinema and pizza trip in our local town, the 4 of them went to London on the train (with Y's mum in support), saw a matinee and had dinner at Frankie and Bennies (sp?). They had a fabulous time and birthday girl, my daughter, another little boy and Y now have a sweet little extra friendship group.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 13:31

manic how wonderful to hear 😃

Balletgirlmum · 06/09/2016 13:35

What a wonderful story manic.

Msqueen33 · 06/09/2016 13:36

I'm another parent with a sen child. Well two in fact. I'd be devastated if my dc was excluded. My dh or I normally go along to the parties as thankfully no one excludes her and she's well liked although can be difficult. But I'd never invite all but one it's cruel.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 13:53

I am glad op is not going to do this, I am glad she had the consideration to ask here before. Some parents do not, and go right ahead and invite all but one, it is awful I agree, my dd has ASD and is 9, I would always accompany her to parties, and take her away if it got to much, most parents of children with SN would.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2016 14:03

Your story, manic, is bittersweet - I can't believe that those other parents were so small-minded as to prevent their children going to a party that Y was also going to (of course, some of them may have had legit reasons for turning it down, but seems unlikely that they ALL did) :( - but glad the mother of X turned it around and everyone who DID go had a fab time!

sellotape12 · 06/09/2016 14:08

Invite him.

Mummaaaaaah · 06/09/2016 14:11

i think leaving one child out of the party is tantamount to bullying tbh and you are doing the right thing to insist he is invited and welcome!

PinkissimoAndPearls · 06/09/2016 14:18

I'm so glad you're inviting them.

I've told this on here before but my DD did not get invited to one single party in the years she was at mainstream primary. There seemed to be a party every week. She has SN but she knew.

The worst was when we went to a local pizza place for family meal and when we walked in, there was the rest of the class having a party. Her little face when she saw them, she was puzzled and then she understood. It's over ten years ago and it still makes my eyes water remembering it.

I would beg people to invite DC with SN to parties even if you ask their parent if they can stay. It's so painful to be excluded like that.

Original poster

nogrip · 06/09/2016 14:30

I have just bumped into the Mum at the shops. We smiled hello, but I didn't know what to say to her so I chickened out and said nothing. I'll just give him an invitation along with the others and when/if she accepts, I will ask her to stay

That doesn't make a 'thing' of it then, I guess

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 14:31

Pink I remember your story a couple of years ago, and its one that sticks in my mind. To leave out one child from a whole class party, is nasty and mean. Yes I cannot believe parents would be so disgusting and narrow minded as to not allow their precious flower to go to a party where a child with SN is going to be. Hello this world belongs to everyone, not just those without SN, what are they going to do when they are adults and encounter those with SN! I dread to think with such attitudes learned from their parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 14:32

Just say hello how are you? SN parents are the same as everybody else, we don't bite .

PinkissimoAndPearls · 06/09/2016 14:36

Aero DD is a teenager now and has a small circle of good friends plus a girlfriend - just so you know she turned out OK

(And almost as satisfyingly, a few years back I got a tradesperson in to quote for a big job and it turned out to be the dad of that particular party child. I didn't give him the work. Childish I know but it made me feel better)

JockTamsonsBairns · 06/09/2016 14:40

I am the mum of a (now adult) dd who was never once invited to a birthday party throughout her entire time in primary school. I cannot begin to tell you how utterly crushing it is to know that your child is being excluded time and time again over the course of several years. The message they take from it is that they are not liked and not wanted - which is an accurate summary. It's one of the few things that can still make me cry when I think back over her childhood.

I now have a much younger dd2 who is regularly invited to parties, which is great. However, last year, she received an invite to a classmate's whole class 6th birthday party. I RSVP'd almost immediately, saying she'd be delighted to attend. I subsequently discovered that it wasn't quite "whole class". There was just one little boy in the class who hadn't been invited, on account of some additional needs. I sent the party girl's mother a text saying she'd now no longer be attending, and I told her why. Dd2 was disappointed not to be going, which was too bad really. I won't collude with excluding a single child from a party.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 14:47

Fantastic Pink so pleased to hear that , good on you, I would have done the same too . I am pleased that that never happened to dd when she was in mainstream, she was invited to parties quite often, and we had parties, and everyone who we invited would come. I had to refuse in the end, as she really diden't want to go and she moved to a special school as she could not cope with mainstream school.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 14:49

How nasty jock I am glad you pulled that awful mum up on it, what disgusting behaviour, she should be ashamed of herself. Good on you for taking a stand for that poor little boy. I can well understand how some adults can be thoroughly nasty, and end up raising equally nasty kids.

LittleBeautyBelle · 06/09/2016 14:52

He is five years old. Lots of children go through periods where they have trouble sitting still or disrupting things or whatever it is...from your posts, he is not a malicious child, and he's only five!!

Op, you are right to want to invite all the boys. If he were the only one not invited, it would make the little boy feel even more left out than he probably already does....I'm sorry, I think it is mean to not invite him. Include all. Embrace this little boy. What you decide to do at this moment, to include or exclude, may be crucial to how this little boy grows up. You are teaching your son how to treat people, stand strong in your conviction, you are in the right.

Cakescakescakes · 06/09/2016 15:13

Jock - you are my hero

Narnia72 · 06/09/2016 15:32

How sad. I really feel for you all, and your gorgeous kids. Our school seems to be really inclusive - there is one little boy with SEN in our class and the parents seem to go out of their way to invite him. He gets more invites than the rest of the class! (which is lovely).

Jock - how brilliant to make a stand like that. I really hope it makes the mum think. Sadly I suspect she'll carry on in her blinkered way and pass it onto her kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 15:38

Narnia dd old mainstream was like that, kids and parents were absolutely lovely and inclusive, in the end it was not the right school for dd and she is thriving at her SS.

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