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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"When's the next one"

36 replies

DesignedForLife · 05/09/2016 14:42

I gave birth last week. It nearly killed me - (undiagnosed placenta preavia, sudden major blood loss, crash section, top consultant really struggled to stop the bleeding). Thankfully recovering well now and baby fine. But real shock and poor DH been through the wringer as for hours he was holding our baby but with no idea what was going on with me.

Three sets of visitors have asked me, knowing all this, when we will have another baby. AIBU to think that's rude in normal circumstances and downright insensitive in light of traumatic birth?

AIBU to stare at them and say "you realise I nearly died?" Hmm

OP posts:
WhyASpoon · 05/09/2016 14:45

YWNBU at all. Do it. Rude, insensitive fuckers.

Congratulations, and sorry you had such a terrifying ride. I hope your recovery is quick; be gentle with yourself.

Paintedhandprints · 05/09/2016 14:48

Some people just don't think. Ywnbu to set them straight.

Gallopingthundercunt · 05/09/2016 14:51

I suspect it's just an automatic thing to say, much in the same way that people always say, "ooh, you've got your hands full there" when they see me out with my dogs (three dogs walking nicely at heel, not barking or jumping up so why do they say it?!)

I'm sure they don't mean any offence and would be mortified to think they had caused any. Perhaps a slightly more subtle, "after almost bleeding to death we thought we'd give it a few months" might get the message across?

Congratulations on your new DC too Flowers

WeirdAndPissedOff · 05/09/2016 14:51

This seems such an insensitive question to ask even in "normal' circumstances - never mind celebrating the child you've just brought into the world, when are you going to get around to making the next one?

Congratulations, and I hope your recovery goes smoothly! Flowers

MrsMillions · 05/09/2016 14:51

Yes do it. As you say, it would be rude after a straightforward birth, but this soon after such a traumatic experience, I'd now be disappointed if you didn't reply like that.

Spaghettidog · 05/09/2016 14:52

I don't think one single person would find you unreasonable for thwacking these charmers on the head with a Moses basket. Something about being pregnant and giving birth seems to elicit the most godawful, stupid questions and comments.

Planty18 · 05/09/2016 14:53

Nightmare. No matter what the situation, people can't help themselves. ward midwife asked me within 2hr of the birth of my second if I would have more or whether this would be my last?! Hmm give me a second!! I think people who care about you don't cope very well with these things either. Had a terrible birth with my twins, similar situation to you, dh got upset talking to his dad on the phone and so his dad starting talking about the weather!Confused

Glad you and baby are ok and Yadnbu to say that!! I totally would.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2016 14:53

My response to this was 'You are joking. No fucking way in hell am I doing that again'
They usually shut up then!

Mermaid36 · 05/09/2016 14:54

YWNBU!
I had my twins at 26wks gestation. Emergency c-section and so on.

My girls were in hospital for 18 weeks and have come home on oxygen. It's been a very traumatic rollercoaster as we nearly lost both girls during the first few weeks.

They have only been home for 2 weeks and we already have had family asking when we'll be having a third!! Hmm

divafever99 · 05/09/2016 14:59

I've had 2 emergency sections, second one I also had a massive bleed and nearly died. People still ask me if there will be a dc 3. My response now is "no way, dc2 almost killed me!" Soon shuts people up! Congratulations on your baby and hope you recover okay.

justilou · 05/09/2016 15:07

Perhaps you ought to joke with your visitors that the next one to ask "When's the next one?" will get their ears ripped off....

Pythonesque · 05/09/2016 15:08

Crumbs! I thought this was going to be about people asking that while your baby was still only a few months old - let alone days!

My mother and I were both pretty worried when my sister was pregnant again a bit over a year after a nasty experience not dissimilar to what you've described. If it helps you (down the track!), her next delivery was carefully planned and managed and she recovered very well.

Congratulations on your little one!

JudyCoolibar · 05/09/2016 15:14

Your response is 100% the right one, OP.

Crazycatladyloz82 · 05/09/2016 15:15

I had severe complications and DD was born early and I almost died. I woke up from the emergency GA csection to find the consultant standing there. His first words were 'well for your next one we give you a 25% chance of this happening again'. I didn't even know if my baby was dead or alive but clearly talking about my next pregnancy at that moment was the priority Shock

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 05/09/2016 15:16

Oh God that is literally unbelievable Angry. What are these people ON?

I'm sorry you had such a rough time and hope you recover soon.

FWIW you would not be remotely unreasonable to say "You realise I almost died" with a hard stare. I have a friend who did exactly that to this stupid bastard who kept nagging her about how lonely only children were, and when was she going to get a brother or sister. She said "Well I would have more, but we both nearly died, so I'd prefer her to have a mother thanks." (This same twat felt it appropriate to continually tell me I should be having babies, when actually I was trying my damndest and had three rounds of failed fertility treatment).

Wankers, the lot of them. Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

BendydickCuminsnatch · 05/09/2016 15:16

I hope you did actually say that? Too right! Bloomin heck you poor thing! Congratulations on your little one and for not having maimed any of these visitors thus far Flowers

Lorelei76 · 05/09/2016 15:18

is this their idea of a sick joke?
who are these people?

imnotapotato · 05/09/2016 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/09/2016 15:21

It's such a weird question though, isn't it? I always compare it to buying a house: when you move house, no-one says, 'oh, when are you buying your next house?' do they. It's just stupid.

But a death stare and a 'you do realise I nearly died, don't you?' ought to do the trick.

Congratulations by the way!

BertieBotts · 05/09/2016 15:23

Last week? They're jumping the gun a lot there aren't they?

Congratulations on your new baby.

TobleroneBoo · 05/09/2016 15:31

Agree, that is a very odd question to ask!

Congratulations on your new arrival & I hope you are feeling better. I would probably respond similarly,
" lets give it a while eh? Seeing as how I nearly died with this one?"

middlings · 05/09/2016 15:34

YWNBU. Do it.

Upon hearing that I have two DDs, someone asked me today if I'm going to "go for the boy." She got the death stare. What a stupid question! (before anyone gets offended, I'd have been delighted with a boy, but I'm also delighted with the pair I've got and have never understood the "one gender is better than another" thing)

People say stupid things to parents.

nightandthelight · 05/09/2016 15:37

Congratulations and glad you are recovering! Flowers

People are being completely insensitive and you should definitely say way you are thinking.

I have a 7mo and no plans of anymore (DH is on waiting list for vasectomy). I get asked constantly about the next though and I foresee at least another 10 years of it (am in my twenties). When I left the hospital the mw said 'see you in two years'. Not bloody likely!

skyyequake · 05/09/2016 15:41

DO IT!!!! I had people asking me when I would have another one whilst I was still pregnant!!!
I had a somewhat traumatic birth (nothing like what you've been through though Flowers) but for the first three weeks I could barely walk due to inflammation around my stitching... I was in a terrible state, had anemia etc and I remember my DF telling me I should crack on and have another one as then I'd "get it all out of the way" I nearly cried!!
Now DD is 1 and when people ask I just say "not planning one atm" and leave it at that! Sometimes family nag me for a better response so I just say definitely not till DD has started school so I've bought myself a few years

CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/09/2016 15:44

My neighbour asked me when I was planning on having another - the day after I arrived home having had #2. EMCS, both of us ill with infections and we'd been in hospital for over a week.
I was honest. I said "never".
"You're not going to try for a girl?" was her response.
Some people are just naturally totally insensitive. Along with the idiots who put up FB posts about natural birth.
Congratulations on your little one!