"When's the next one"

[DesignedForLife]

I gave birth last week. It nearly killed me - (undiagnosed placenta preavia, sudden major blood loss, crash section, top consultant really struggled to stop the bleeding). Thankfully recovering well now and baby fine. But real shock and poor DH been through the wringer as for hours he was holding our baby but with no idea what was going on with me.

Three sets of visitors have asked me, knowing all this, when we will have another baby. AIBU to think that's rude in normal circumstances and downright insensitive in light of traumatic birth?

AIBU to stare at them and say "you realise I nearly died?"

Congratulations YANBU. Insensitive fuckers, some of which probably take joy in see you squirm because they probably think "ha, everyone says that at first but then they always change their mind!" and like to be proven right. That's what it is.

My DS is 2 months old. I had a traumatic experience, I remember not long after DS was born going on one of our first trips out of the house and having to make excuses to leave early so I could cry at home because of people like this. They wouldn't stop asking about the birth, asking so when will you have another one? and making jokes about how I would soon "get over it" and saying as if its an absolute fact that "you'll have another one". These women who have had children who ask these stupid questions must have had babies who just fell out!

Don't be shy. Tell them you almost died.

Or even better - ask them when they'll be having one next. Particularly if they are elderly.

Nt read thread.

YADNBU!! Say it. Yes it's automatic sometimes but that doesn't stop it being hirtful and insensitive. The only way people learn to THINK about what they say os of someone pulls them up on it.

My baby was in PICU at 3 weeks having been born critical and one of the moms who knew how old, how poorly etc asked me if i was thinking of having any more. He's 15 months old and i still offer a look of "are you frigging serious????" when people ask!

Congratualtions, and hope you are now well enough to enjoy babba xx

Stupid question at the best of times! Like baby-making is at the top of anyone's list one week post-partum.

Sorry you had a hard time xx

People are different though. after my first I said never again and meant it after my third my first words were I want to do that again ( and did! )

I think it's either conversation or just being nosey.

I did get asked once if I was disappointed that DD2 was a girl. No I said, we were thrilled. She was critically ill for weeks and she had a much better chance of actually surviving, being a girl. She stood there, mouth like a goldfish.

momma people are different though. My baby was critical too, and we thought the dr insensitive for asking about contraceptive. We planned to go home and start trying start away.

This is my pet hate. It is a question that should never be asked especially when a woman has just given birth.

I think people just go into a do-dally mode e.g.:

l haven't a clue what to say anyway but i gotta say something;!.

Suppose this might start an argument home - v - hospital birth hope this didn't kick off at home and then all that transferred to hospital. Seems the insultant earned his keep;)

Main thing is mum OK now and enjoy the nipper, they grow up soo quickly didn't seem 18 odd years ago since i first saw my youngest daughter appear screaming for all she was worth!. Fine set of lungs that one!

Bit different to your situation but my chief midwife said something similar to me at the debrief from my Oh-fuck-section (twins, prem, massive bleed, GA Cat 1 CS when 3 of us had a pretty good go at carking it in a week).

I loved her for it. She had come to our home to run through the notes from a really traumatic delivery (I loved her for doing that also), and she said kind things about how we were coping now they were out of NICU, and jokingly said as she prepared to leave 'see you in a couple of years then!'.

DH and I had no intention of doing it again, but it was so nice to hear someone have faith that we - and my body - could handle another pregnancy and birth. Sometime it mnight be meant kindly sometimes it's just idiots though

My mother bitched that I didn't start trying to fall pregnant early enough. The fact we'd not been using contraceptives since my late 20's and then had ivf - 3 egg transfers, an operation for a twisted ovary caused by the IVF before success was an irrelevance. Pregnancy was very tough and the birth was so hard on my body, I was allowed to stay in the delivery room for more than 4 hours because I couldn't move without fainting. I then got a womb infection and was given mild antibiotics by an on call doctor, which didn't work and I was in a right mess. IVF ruined my health and am now in chronic pain (fibromyalgia) and chronically ill, I was on crutches for the last few months of my pregnancy and need ongoing treatment that I have to pay for myself to keep me out of a wheelchair and able to look after DD. But apparently I'm so selfish to have DD as an only child . I prefer my child to have a partially functioning mummy than a vegetable.

Yes your response is perfect. However for some people, you will get platitudes such as my mother when I fell down the stairs with DD in my arms 6 months old. She asked me if the fall "sorted my back out" (as this was the main pain source at the time). No you stupid woman, it didn't. I now have a permanent internal scar where the tissues have healed strangely and wet myself when I fell. DD was ok btw. Some people are so full of shit.

SplinteryBottom - I totally understand you loving your midwife saying that. The consultant who performed my section came and had a chat two days after, and I asked if any damage had been done to the womb, and she reassured me no beyond what's normal for a section, and that I wasn't at any increased risk of anything like that happening again, and there would be no reason why I could t have a normal vaginal birth if we were to have another. It was remarkably reassuring and positive, even though I don't know if I want another. I think there's a big difference when a professional who understands the gravity of what you've been through says something like that and when it's someone making a flippant remark.

I get that people say a lot of things just for conversation - I've had no end of people remarking how happy we must be that we've got one of each (even slapping DH on the back and saying well done lad ), and whilst I don't like the comments I get its people just making small talk. But surely people understand basic human sensitivity? I'd hoped so anyway, though SIL drilled me on the details of birth 24 hours after the ordeal when I still was hazy as to what had happened and outright said I don't want to discuss it. But that's another issue.