WIBU to tell exes partner to take a leap?

[BettyBetts]

Okay, so haven't quite got over it and neither my Sister nor Best friend will answer their phones..
I've just received a judge text from my exes partner of 2 years after a fall out about me being busy with work this week and not being able to take care of our 4 YO daughter today. I'm a sole trader and make at least 20% of my wages during these 2 weeks, they are an anomaly and allow me very quiet periods where I am constantly available for my children.. She 😏 (Who is actually usually very nice and helpful if I'm honest) is a part time hairdresser with 4 children from a previous marriage. Anyway, the message reads..
You say your working all hours for your children's future, money isn't everything, your children are only young once and you are missing out on so much and it's obviously effecting them. My 1st priority will always be my children and Your daughter. I work enough so that i can pay the bills and have a little left over to have days out. The children will remember me collecting them from school, taking them to activities and days out , not the amount of money I earned and that I worked all hours and they where stuck in kids club.

Erm, excuse me but wtf? He pays a measly £36 a week in child support, (not without a chase), I literally work most evenings while they are in bed so that I'm free during more weekdays and have literally just been working my arse off to buy a house in the best area for her to start school this week. Anyway, this was my reply..
Wait a minute, who the fuck are you to judge me? You don't work enough to pay your bills at all. Luckily for you, the government can afford to pay your rent etc because people like me put more into the pot than we take out to afford women like you to have the luxury of working part time snipping hair and living in big houses with time on their hands to point out what other mothers are doing wrong. You may have helped me and mark out here and there, but let me be clear, what I decide is best for DD has NOTHING to do with you. You have no idea what I am doing and sacrificing for my children's future and I spend more time with both of them than you or ExH. I don't feel the need to start explaining to you how I organise my routine so that they have the best of all worlds. How fucking dare you? Jump back on your high horse and fuck off

I accept that I should have maybe had a cup of tea and responded less swearily, but am I correct in thinking that she had no right and that we aren't mates anymore?

Pepsi I hope she doesn't feel like she has to mention her stepchild to be honest. Stepparents can win- they shouldn't feel like they have to do things or feel things they don't want to or can't.
She might be saying that the Op's child is her number 1 priority like her own children are because that's what she feels she has to say.
In which case my above comment is extremely harsh.

The phrase 'two wrongs don't make a right' comes to mind. You say a few nice things about her in you OP but your text doesn't convey any of this and seems calculated to escalate things.

meandlovely3boys if only StepMums could just be allowed to feel how they feel without being heavily critiqued in their motives then I do think the DC involved would be much better off for it, but sadly the world just doesn't work like that, StepMums are cast as evil witches and stepdads as heroes who are stepping up.

Anyway I don't want to unintentionally derail this thread, and think it maybe going off on a tangent, so am walking away.

A calm response might have been better as she was trying to get reaction but I understand why you are angry. She seemed to be implying that she prioritises your own daughter more than you do! I'd be fuming too. It's particularly frustrating for her to lecture you about how hard you work when your ex pays the bare minimum in child support, it's not like you have a choice. I'd ask to only communicate with the ex regarding arrangements in future.

*presumably she looks after the child as her partner is at work op also has to work. Why is the ops work less important and more worthy of judgement?

Maybe, she is just trying to helpful towards op maybe. I question how helpful it is to send such a text

He's not getting shitty texts from op though either is he? well no. Because he didnt send the text. She did. It's not unreasonable to respond to the person who sent you the text.

If op is so unhappy with this, she needs to talk to him not belittle his girlfriend again, the girlfriend chose to send the shitty judgemental text in the first place.*

It's not less important but seemingly gf is doing op a favour on a day op usually has the children. Why should ex be a single at drop of a hat if they have a set schedule? Gf is helping her out. She doesn't have to.

She shouldn't have sent the text, op shouldn't have responded.

Just because gf sends a shitty text doesn't make it ok to send a shitty one back. It's pathetic on both sides.

*available

She sounds, errrm, delightful?
I wouldn't have sent a reply

Goodness I kind of admire your balls.
Sometimes outside of mn we don't act in a measured considered way when we feel attacked. Someone sending a goady text deserves a bit back.

She probably was out of line. But you definitely overreacted to the text. You could have made it simpler and less angrier. You sound scary.

No, she is sometimes my DDS childcare and has told me that I can ask but I never have, I don't think.. It's something that they sort out. This morning in particular, I offered to pay the £39 and make the call to the nursery but his response was that he would have to take the day off work and would be taking her out for the day. It wasn't until 'stepmum' got in touch that I realised that she had her.

She is NOT doing childcare for op.
The dd was in the care of her father, she is doing childcare for him.

Can not believe people would defend this woman sending a fucking awful message like that. Who the fuck does she think she is.

People go on and on about the moral high ground.

Sometimes yeah it works.

Sometimes though you need to put dickheads like this straight that they cannot talk to you like that.

Fuck that shit.

No way on earth would I allow anyone to talk to me that way.

Best just to put it out there that op is not gonna allow this fool to mug her off.

Well done to both you and your ex for treating her as a babysitter as you both think your work is far more important than any plans she may have made.

I agree you've shot yourself in the foot and she'd be completely justified in refusing to look after your daughter when your ex can't be arsed is too busy to. Instead of biting back especially as it's apparently out of character for her to kick off perhaps asking her what brought the rant on might have saved the situation but unless she's incredibly nice it's probably too late now.

Of course her text was awful and I understand why you replied like that but it wasn't very smart. It's best for everyone that you get along. Why don't you text and suggest meeting up to clear the air?

Pepsi I agree with that- stepmums are made out to be evil and stepdads are made out to be the heroes.

I don't think stepmums are all evil. I think they have got the hardest job in the world and never get anything right. I'm sorry about what I said before. My own experience was just very different so sometimes I forget that other people's is very positive and that it is possible to feel very fond of your stepchildren.

I do think though, that some stepmums feel like they have to say they love their stepchildren and they are their "number 1", every time they say this about their own children.

You are assuming step mum knows Dad claimed to be taking the day off and didn't just say to her "ex says she has to work and you need to take care of DD"

Something set her off .

[message edited by MNHQ to remove DD's name]

The ex is the one in the wrong here. Agreeing to have his child and then not doing, instead passing the responsibility on to this DP. 😠

There is nothing more annoying than this ^^
I get why his DP is frustrated. I would be as well, and fucking pissed off with HIM.

I agree though that the stepmum should be allowed to refuse to look after the child. And she isn't a bad person for doing so either!

YANBU to be annoyed; I bet the step mum doesn't know you offered to put the child in nursery though. I imagine your ex agreed to take DD and presented it to SM as a done deal, and that's why she's annoyed.

She has every right to be angry at her partner.

She has no right to text op giving her shit for working.

Its an awful thing to say to someone.
Its also sexist as hell.
Daddy can work but mommy needs to be at home.

Bullshit man.

Good for you op.

I would send her a message trying to build a bridge. She sounds like a good woman and you're both in the wrong really.

Also say you didn't know your ex had asked her to watch DD - he'd said he'd take the day off.

After reading the whole OP, I think both messages were harsh. She provoked your reaction OP but still your response wasn't exactly dignified or saintly. You threw a few insults in there yourself which will have stung a bit.

I agree with the above post. One of you needs to make a move to build a bridge. Your ex is a dick for agreeing to have his DD and then palming her off with his partner. She then understandably got frustrated and took it out on you, and you understandably became defensive.
Or is this the start of a huge fall out now?

Did she send you that text out of nowhere? No prior communication at all?

When did you say all that stuff about working for your dc's future?