WIBU to tell exes partner to take a leap?

[BettyBetts]

Okay, so haven't quite got over it and neither my Sister nor Best friend will answer their phones..
I've just received a judge text from my exes partner of 2 years after a fall out about me being busy with work this week and not being able to take care of our 4 YO daughter today. I'm a sole trader and make at least 20% of my wages during these 2 weeks, they are an anomaly and allow me very quiet periods where I am constantly available for my children.. She 😏 (Who is actually usually very nice and helpful if I'm honest) is a part time hairdresser with 4 children from a previous marriage. Anyway, the message reads..
You say your working all hours for your children's future, money isn't everything, your children are only young once and you are missing out on so much and it's obviously effecting them. My 1st priority will always be my children and Your daughter. I work enough so that i can pay the bills and have a little left over to have days out. The children will remember me collecting them from school, taking them to activities and days out , not the amount of money I earned and that I worked all hours and they where stuck in kids club.

Erm, excuse me but wtf? He pays a measly £36 a week in child support, (not without a chase), I literally work most evenings while they are in bed so that I'm free during more weekdays and have literally just been working my arse off to buy a house in the best area for her to start school this week. Anyway, this was my reply..
Wait a minute, who the fuck are you to judge me? You don't work enough to pay your bills at all. Luckily for you, the government can afford to pay your rent etc because people like me put more into the pot than we take out to afford women like you to have the luxury of working part time snipping hair and living in big houses with time on their hands to point out what other mothers are doing wrong. You may have helped me and mark out here and there, but let me be clear, what I decide is best for DD has NOTHING to do with you. You have no idea what I am doing and sacrificing for my children's future and I spend more time with both of them than you or ExH. I don't feel the need to start explaining to you how I organise my routine so that they have the best of all worlds. How fucking dare you? Jump back on your high horse and fuck off

I accept that I should have maybe had a cup of tea and responded less swearily, but am I correct in thinking that she had no right and that we aren't mates anymore?

[gillybeanz]

I'd be using nursery, wouldn't be happy for a new partner to be looking after my child, the father or mother should be doing it, or professional childcare.

[BettyBetts]

I often let my ex know that I'm trying my best, God knows why, whenever he tells me that I'm failing as a mother and should be ashamed every time i do anything child related so that must have come up between them.
I had a message about DD being upset because she's not with me today and that she had a lot on, I had replied letting her know that I had offered nursery and thought that ex was having her for the say.. Along with an extra little,' sorry that it's fallen on to you'. Directly before

[BettyBetts]

*not child related, sorry

[rookiemere]

So was this one of your ex's regular days to have your DD, or did he agree to have her an extra day so you could work?

[rookiemere]

That aside, she shouldn't have sent you that message and you definitely should not have sent that response. It does sound very much as if she is getting fed a pack of lies by your ex.

I suspect her email was sent directly to provoke you into a response as she is fed up doing childcare for your DD - not your fault but your ex's.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Well, you certainly returned fire with interest, OP. It's hard to see how your relationship is going to come back from that exchange.

She did start it but your message is about 3 times as long as hers. A simple "fuck off you cunt" could have achieved just as much if you were looking to establish open warfare.

[PepsiPenguin]

I have a feeling seeing the update that maybe a little more may have been said/interpreted/read between the lines in response to the DC being upset prior to the stepmum sending her text.

Who was then just met with the wrath of the OP "defending" herself and actions after some nasty comments by her Ex.

[BettyBetts]

Update: So to avoid further conflict, Mum kindly agreed to collect DD for me. She messaged the Ex and he flat out refused to let anyone other than me to collect her. She went anyway and said that Stepmum was a little teary and, 'a nice girl', and, 'how on earth has he kept her for this long.' She basically went against Ex and bundled DD out of the house and into the car in double time as Ex was on his way from work.. She also mentioned to my Mum that she doesn't trust what he says, and when Mum said that I don't think he knows what he has, she replied that she didn't think that he does. I feel bad. She is a nice girl, much nicer than him. I was shocked and so furious about her calling me out like that this morning but it seems to be more about him taking the Mickey than me. I've been the woman the woman that he drove to despair, I guess.. And he has made me act like a total bitch to a knowing outsider.. I guess that, in light of what my Mum reported, I should probably make peace while he's at work tomorrow. I don't imagine that I'll be the first choice to cop his flack in the future.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

If it sounds unlike her, I don't suppose there is any possibility it was actually him texting from her phone??

[Waltermittythesequel]

The thing is, as wrong she was to text you, your message was just so much nastier. I don't even know how you could come back from that.

[BettyBetts]

Hindsight is 20/20.. If only I had posted the message before j had replied. This would have been spot on. I felt furious and attacked at the time but this sort of rational is what I aspire to have at the time of future kick offs! Have a look at my update and see what you think about me making a step to make up tomorrow now that my Mum has made me feel bad for her..

[BettyBetts]

No, although not something that would be above him.. He would have dropped her off and gone straight to work

[Cherrysoup]

No-one made you behave like that, you chose to write her a really nasty response. You have no idea what your ex said to her to provoke her into writing this. You presumed he was having your DD, you need to tell her this as she clearly thinks you dumped her off today. She shouldn't have written this, but your response was over the top nasty back.

If I were you, I'd arrange to talk to her without your stupid ex.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I saw your update.

I'm not just really sure how you make up for thinking someone is scrounging benefits while you pay for her house!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think it would be a good move to apologise and I hope she does too. You might not be friends after this but it's worth trying to stay on civil terms. Maybe plan what you want to say so it doesn't get heated in the moment.

[BettyBetts]

Yeah, it was pretty cutting. Too much so. It just touched a nerve, having been putting everything into getting a house, ( that is not a house that I want to buy, but the most affordable with a bedroom each in the area for the best school for her) Getting her into said school, busiest time of the year business wise and needing to work hard because the new house is about through and her message coming after a barrage of me being neglectful. I think that she will make up with me.. He has a knack of finding forgiving women..

[BettyBetts]

I did let her know that I thought DD was with the ex and that he had turned down me paying for her to be in nursery just prior to the text she sent.. But hang on a minute. My text was hasty and mean, but in response to one suggesting that another woman prioritises my daughters needs more than I do and that I'm a bad mother, doing things all wrong, when she wouldn't have a clue.. I feel pretty vindicated in not accepting that. I agree that my comments were more cutting on the surface than hers and that i should have reacted less furiously, in the interests of being dignified, but not a doormat.

[BettyBetts]

That really wasn't the point of what I said to her. That particular comment seems to have hit a nerve with you but had she not questioned my lifestyle, I genuinely couldn't care less about hers and rather than look down my nose at her, I've been thankful that my ex has managed to swindle another decent woman into sticking around and been thankful that she's a mostly stay at home mum because she's steady and a great stepmum for my DD.

[george1020]

Tbh her text was pretty nasty! I don't think I could of held my tongue either OP.
It was also a really stupid thing for her to do as a step parent you have to tread really carefully and her text to you was really unreasonable. I think most people would've blown up too. It was a direct criticism of your parenting.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Sorry OP I can't make out to whom you are addressing your posts.

If the raw nerve thing was directed at me, you're way off the mark. I own my own home. I'm just saying: you can apologise of course but I'm just not sure you can come back from those particular comments.

Now, don't get me wrong I'd have told her to fuck right off, no question!

I just wouldn't have gone down that particular route.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I've been thankful that my ex has managed to swindle another decent woman into sticking around and been thankful that she's a mostly stay at home mum because she's steady and a great stepmum for my DD

So you're happy for her to help raise your dd while you're busy with work, and her dad is busy with work, but she's not allowed to have an opinion or get cross or feel fed up?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Walter has got a point there.

And what if she selfishly decides to go to work full time? She isn't SAHM/ doesn't work part time for your DD really, she is for her own children and your DD just benefits from that. If she does go back to work then chances are she won't be planning work around the contact schedule you and your ex have.

[BettyBetts]

No, I understand that she has a right to do whatever she likes with her free time. I had not asked her to have my DD, I had offered to call in and pay for her to go to nursery for the day. That was turned down by my ex as (to be a Martyr) he was going to take the day off work and I wouldn't be able to pick her up before 7pm as he was taking her out for the day. It turns out he then took her straight to his Partner's house and went straight on to work. I don't think that it's fair to say that I have used her or expected anything.

[BettyBetts]

With that text, Walter, really?

[PepsiPenguin]

The stepmum doesn't even live with your ex? You say he took your DD to her house?

If that's the case no wonder the woman is fedup!