WIBU to tell exes partner to take a leap?

[BettyBetts]

Okay, so haven't quite got over it and neither my Sister nor Best friend will answer their phones..
I've just received a judge text from my exes partner of 2 years after a fall out about me being busy with work this week and not being able to take care of our 4 YO daughter today. I'm a sole trader and make at least 20% of my wages during these 2 weeks, they are an anomaly and allow me very quiet periods where I am constantly available for my children.. She 😏 (Who is actually usually very nice and helpful if I'm honest) is a part time hairdresser with 4 children from a previous marriage. Anyway, the message reads..
You say your working all hours for your children's future, money isn't everything, your children are only young once and you are missing out on so much and it's obviously effecting them. My 1st priority will always be my children and Your daughter. I work enough so that i can pay the bills and have a little left over to have days out. The children will remember me collecting them from school, taking them to activities and days out , not the amount of money I earned and that I worked all hours and they where stuck in kids club.

Erm, excuse me but wtf? He pays a measly £36 a week in child support, (not without a chase), I literally work most evenings while they are in bed so that I'm free during more weekdays and have literally just been working my arse off to buy a house in the best area for her to start school this week. Anyway, this was my reply..
Wait a minute, who the fuck are you to judge me? You don't work enough to pay your bills at all. Luckily for you, the government can afford to pay your rent etc because people like me put more into the pot than we take out to afford women like you to have the luxury of working part time snipping hair and living in big houses with time on their hands to point out what other mothers are doing wrong. You may have helped me and mark out here and there, but let me be clear, what I decide is best for DD has NOTHING to do with you. You have no idea what I am doing and sacrificing for my children's future and I spend more time with both of them than you or ExH. I don't feel the need to start explaining to you how I organise my routine so that they have the best of all worlds. How fucking dare you? Jump back on your high horse and fuck off

I accept that I should have maybe had a cup of tea and responded less swearily, but am I correct in thinking that she had no right and that we aren't mates anymore?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

neon I agree. I think parents should be grateful for the effort that any adult makes with their children. Stepparents included. You'd be grateful towards a grandparent investing a lot of time in your child, so why not a stepparent?
Ohh yes, that's right. They are too closely associated with the ex. So she doesn't deserve any respect or acknowledgement and if she doesn't bend over backwards then she's classed as "mean spirited" If she chooses to invest time and effort playing her part in bringing a child up (remember it takes more than just the parents to raise a child!), then how hard is it for both parents to just be grateful for that?

[neonrainbow]

Yeah i did read the thread. Maybe op should try being grateful this woman is willing to put time and effort in with her kid.

[milkyface]

Especially as he clearly resents paying CM.

We don't actually know that though do we.

If he doesn't live with his girlfriend and her children, they won't be counted as in his household and so his payments wouldn't be reduced.

If he's only paying op £35 per week then chances are his wage is not fab, and presuming he lives on his own he has a house/flat to run too.

Maybe that's all he can afford?

It's expensive to pay for somewhere to live on your own.

Don't get me wrong the guy sounds like a bit of a shit, but people make so many assumptions about blokes financial situations when they're not paying 'enough' cms.

It's like a lot of people think they should live in squalor and not eat every other week just so they can pay double the recommended payment.

[Bogeyface]

I hope his DP has told him a few home truths tonight.

Hell yes, you and me both.

[Lovewineandchocs]

Hi OP, hope you work things out with her-I'd have told her to fuck right off too, BTW one question though-why did you have to tell your ex that you were planning to put your DD in nursery today. And how does his partner know so much about your childcare-kids' clubs etc. Surely during the time your DD is with you, your childcare is entirely your business? Unless it is unavoidable for some reason, stop giving him a stick to beat you with! My mum is a lone parent, didn't receive any child maintenance when I was growing up so she had to work damn hard too, and I'm v grateful that she did. Your ex's partner perhaps needs a touch more understanding and empathy-although who knows what pack of lies she is being fed?! I'd make sure, if you clear the air, that she is left in no doubt how little financial support you get from 'Father of the Year'

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

The OP doesn't deserve any vitriol regarding the SM looking after the child I agree. I don't think she has done anything wrong (bar the response she sent obviously). Her ex is the bad guy for causing the situation and I hope his DP has told him a few home truths tonight.

[Bogeyface]

I agree with you there Me, I was just saying that the arrangements after the father picked the DD up are nothing to do with the OP and so she doesnt deserve the vitriol about "she is looking after YOUR child!" when the DD is his child too. Basic manners should never be overlooked.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Meh, fair enough.
I just don't think a quick "Thanks for today" would do any harm in these situations tbh. Nothing gushy but just a little acknowledgment.
That's in situations where there are no nasty text messages of course!

[trafalgargal]

Oh well flowers and chocolates and a face to face apology as soon as Mr Control Freak has left for work sounds like a plan.

You're both victims of his crap but you've known him longer so perhaps could have realised in time not to send that awful text.

[Bogeyface]

ANd dont forget that he has form for playing the martyr by implying that she doesnt care about their DD because she uses paid childcare, preferring to act as Father of the Year and taking her himself. This wasnt about childcare, but about him trying to get one over on the OP.

As an aside Betty, could be he lining himself up to go for FT residency of your DD? If he could prove that him and his partner "have" to look after your DD because you are so career obsessed etc and that there is a ready made SAHM there, then he might be considering it. Especially as he clearly resents paying CM. Worth be wary of.

Sounds like the partner is waking up to his shit, and good for her. Although I can see why the OP is happy the partner is with him as she at least has one person with common sense and kindness looking out for her DD when he has her.

[Bogeyface]

Me that is totally different.

Your father would be agreeing to look after your children as a favour and yes, then she would be doing you the favour, via your father, so she would need to be acknowledged for that.

In the OP the man is the childs father so he would not be babysitting etc as agreed by the MN massive, but doing his (voluntary) share of the childcare. The OP had paid childcare lined up and he binned that off saying he, as the father, would rather do it himself. the OP says ok and off they go. At that point any further arrangements ceased to be anything to do with the OP. He, as a parent, then arranged (or not by the sound of it) for his partner to babysit HIS child. That was between him and the caregiver.

To put it onto the OP in this case is not fair.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

The ex created the situation though so I agree the gripe is with him and not with the OP.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

It's like my dad agreeing to have my children but he decides to go out for the day instead,'and so his wife looks after them. In that case it would be her doing me the favour and looking after them for me instead.
She would of course be helping my dad out, but ultimately me.
So yes I accept that in the OP's situation, the ex's partner is helping him out as the child was in his care at first, but because it was the OP's day to sort childcare ultimately she was helping the OP out.

[Oswin]

Because people are implying its ops problem if she's pissed off with doing childcare.
She's not doing op a favour.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Oswin I've said the text was out of order and not once condoned it.
Why is it so hard to accept that a stepmum sometimes ends up providing childcare for the mum because the dad agrees to it and then ducks out of it? It's nothing actually against the mum, so I don't know why people get so seemingly defensive.

[Bogeyface]

So your kid was dumped on her
By her partner, not by the OP!

You can write so I assume you can read, so why dont you RTFT?!

[neonrainbow]

So your kid was dumped on her and yet she's the unreasonable one? Your text was worse than hers. If i was her I'd want nothing more to do with you or providing free childcare for your kid.

[Bogeyface]

I can see why she is pissed off but she kicked off at the wrong person, which hopefully she will realise.

The OP wanted to pay for nursery
Ex said no, he would have her to get at the OP and imply he cared more
Ex then promptly takes the child to his partners house (not clear if they live together, maybe he moved in with partner at her house) and drops her off.

If anyone is using the partner it is the ex! And what about the poor child in all this? Daddy is clearly not above shoving her from pillar to post to prove a point, she would probably have been happier at nursery.

OP I think that you need to get firm contact arrangements in place. On your days you arrange whatever childcare you see fit and on his days he does the same. This adhoc arrangement is doing no one any favours, least of all your DD.

[Oswin]

Op had a solution. Nursery.
The ex then decided he would have the dd.
So no not childcare for op. Childcare for him.

Nothing to do with the op so no right to get stroppy with her.

To send that text basically calling her a bad mother is disgusting.

Op has done nothing to deserve it.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

If it was meant to be the OP's day to sort childcare out then technically the ex's partner was providing childcare for the OP today really.
Ex offered to have their child for the OP so that she didn't need to pay for nursery, but his partner looked after the child instead because he palmed his child off to her. So whoever was to end up looking after the child today, it was always going to be for the OP as it was her day to sort childcare.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Very the new partner doesn't do childcare for op.

No, but his girlf appears to!

[Oswin]

Very the new partner doesn't do childcare for op.

[mydietstartsmonday]

Just apologise tomorrow, I am sure he gave her a totally different story which she reacted to. Thank her for there and looking after your daughter but also say to her that your daughter always comes first.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

It turns out he then took her straight to his Partner's house and went straight on to work.

Well, I think that explains why she is fed up, although of course she shouldn't have sent you the text she did.

What happens with childcare for your DD when this nice lady eventually wises up and leaves your ex high and dry?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

He's got a bloody nerve doing that.