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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell exes partner to take a leap?

126 replies

BettyBetts · 05/09/2016 12:44

Okay, so haven't quite got over it and neither my Sister nor Best friend will answer their phones..
I've just received a judge text from my exes partner of 2 years after a fall out about me being busy with work this week and not being able to take care of our 4 YO daughter today. I'm a sole trader and make at least 20% of my wages during these 2 weeks, they are an anomaly and allow me very quiet periods where I am constantly available for my children.. She 😏 (Who is actually usually very nice and helpful if I'm honest) is a part time hairdresser with 4 children from a previous marriage. Anyway, the message reads..
You say your working all hours for your children's future, money isn't everything, your children are only young once and you are missing out on so much and it's obviously effecting them. My 1st priority will always be my children and Your daughter. I work enough so that i can pay the bills and have a little left over to have days out. The children will remember me collecting them from school, taking them to activities and days out , not the amount of money I earned and that I worked all hours and they where stuck in kids club.

Erm, excuse me but wtf? He pays a measly £36 a week in child support, (not without a chase), I literally work most evenings while they are in bed so that I'm free during more weekdays and have literally just been working my arse off to buy a house in the best area for her to start school this week. Anyway, this was my reply..
Wait a minute, who the fuck are you to judge me? You don't work enough to pay your bills at all. Luckily for you, the government can afford to pay your rent etc because people like me put more into the pot than we take out to afford women like you to have the luxury of working part time snipping hair and living in big houses with time on their hands to point out what other mothers are doing wrong. You may have helped me and mark out here and there, but let me be clear, what I decide is best for DD has NOTHING to do with you. You have no idea what I am doing and sacrificing for my children's future and I spend more time with both of them than you or ExH. I don't feel the need to start explaining to you how I organise my routine so that they have the best of all worlds. How fucking dare you? Jump back on your high horse and fuck off

I accept that I should have maybe had a cup of tea and responded less swearily, but am I correct in thinking that she had no right and that we aren't mates anymore?

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBetts · 05/09/2016 13:44

Yes, outofpractice, it was a hasty reply and I can see how it reads a little bit judgey.. I really don't look down on her at all, she's a good mum to her children.. A proper all in mummy mum and some days envy that but she also mentions things like she wishes that she could afford to take her children to Disneyland Paris like I took My DD. It just seemed like a good time and way to point out that her situation wasn't as white as she was painting it.

OP posts:

milkyface · 05/09/2016 13:45

Seriously just ignore them.

She was being shitty with her message and I agree it was completely unnecessary but I think you were just as bad belittling her job etc, neither of you need to know anything about each others financial situation. It's not your business if she gets benefits and it's not her business how many hours you work.

If her partner / your ex isn't paying enough child support go to cms, sorry to say it but it's not her problem.

She doesn't have to look after your child and after your text I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't anymore. Don't burn your bridges with her because you'll only be making things worse for your child and yourself. It's no skin off her nose I f you put your child in nursery is it? But it's another outgoing for you and it will leave your daughter wondering why she can't spend time with her step siblings.

SandyY2K · 05/09/2016 13:45

She had no right to send you that message and if she had any sense she wouldn't have sent it, because it's unecessary regardless of what she thinks.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2016 13:47

I realise that Betty but sadly you've now lost the moral high ground by judging her choices right back (with your comments about taxes etc). Always worth counting to ten in these situations

The other great thing about not answering is that it would wind her up far more than anything you could ever say - which is a great bonus

Oldraver · 05/09/2016 13:49

I think she has got a fucking cheek to criticise you when her OH is paying a measly £35 a week...which no doubt was reduced by her having four kids

GingerbreadGingerbread · 05/09/2016 13:49

I still think you were right to fight fire with fire otherwise she would remain a judgmental cow always thinking she had one over on you. You've got your point across and you were right to do so now it's a level playing field. She was in the wrong, you were not wrong to say what you did.

Make sure she knows about the paltry child support before she gets even more smug.

milkyface · 05/09/2016 13:50

I think she has got a fucking cheek to criticise you when her OH is paying a measly £35 a week...which no doubt was reduced by her having four kids

He could choose to pay more, he doesn't. That his fault not the fault of her or her children.

Finola1step · 05/09/2016 13:54

Yes, you probably have inflamed the situation. But your response was understandable. But from here, stony cold silence for her.

You did miss an opportunity though to simply ask "How far do you think £36 per week stretches?"

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2016 13:54

I still think you were right to fight fire with fire otherwise she would remain a judgmental cow

Trust me, she still will.

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 13:59

I think you are both very unaware of what the other has to go through. I didn't expect anything other than lots of people agreeing with you and bashing the woman as she is a stepmum.

My first thought was, I wonder if the stepmum is being used as a "free childcare" option, and maybe her day has been interrupted so that you could work - you didn't even know she was looking after your DC not her dad. I have seen lots of comments from StepMums who feel constantly put on by both the mum and dad in these situations as "free childcare" maybe she said what she said because actually it's happened a lot and she's a bit fed up with it? You don't even accept her as part of things she's just seen as helping you out and helping out mark with your child's care (her partner? I'm guessing)

Do I think she was right to say what she said, not at all, I think it was uncessary - I don't think it was very nice at all, but, I think your message was worse, bashing her about her financial situation, belittling her job and then swearing at her - moral high ground well and truly lost.

If I was seen nothing as a glorified unpaid babysitter for your child and told to fuck off, don't think I would be helping you in this way anymore.

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkyface · 05/09/2016 14:03

But that is not his girlfriends problem or decision arf it is his.

It's not up to her what he pays or doesn't pay. It's up to him to pay more than is mandatory if he wishes to, which clearly, he doesn't.

He must have a low wage anyway, if the girlfriend gets gov help.

wowfudge · 05/09/2016 14:05

Crikey - I can't believe she thought her text was acceptable. Although I think keeping the moral high ground would have been best, your response may actually make her think twice before she does anything like that again. Do you think your ex has taken the day off because she's said she won't look after your DD after the text exchange?

TheRealMrsClarkson · 05/09/2016 14:07

I think you've shot yourself in the foot.
Step mums can't win can they? Very little of your complaint about your life & circumstances has anything to do with her. Yes she's pissed off, she's also looking after your child for free.
I hope she says no next time & lets you & your ex sort it out. If you don't agree with her having an opinion, don't use her for free childcare.

sportinguista · 05/09/2016 14:10

The £35 per week would only just pay for 1 days childminding round here. That would mean no contribution for food or anything else.

I am a step mum and whilst I appreciate being dumped on as free childcare all the time is not on, you need to be able to have an adult discussion about it and not for her to wade in being critical of your professional life. Her life choices are different, if she would like to take all her kids to Disneyland then it must be discussed and saved for and if necessary she takes on more work whenever possible. These are the choices we all make. I had my son at home in the holidays and some days he just played at home because I had to work, no choice, I have clients that doesn't stop. Yes I sometimes feel a tad guilty we are not doing all sorts of exciting things. But we had a brilliant holiday together doing things many of his school friends whose mums don't work can only dream of. Because I worked and we saved.

If she feels put upon she needs to have a discussion with your ex who needs to come to you and have a grown up discussion about working around things.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 05/09/2016 14:11

YANBU. I'd be pissed off as well, especially with the following statement...

My 1st priority will always be my children and Your daughter.

@ the your daughter bit. I'm sure your first priority is your daughter even more than it is hers. Stepparents who bang on about their stepchildren like that and gush about them make me cringe because it's so bloody fake and praise/ pat on the back seeking.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 05/09/2016 14:12

wait, have you been using her for free childcare?

KayTee87 · 05/09/2016 14:16

If I was seen nothing as a glorified unpaid babysitter for your child and told to fuck off, don't think I would be helping you in this way anymore.

She's helping her partner out by looking after his child though or did op make the child herself.

If she has a problem looking after the child she needs to speak to her partner and he needs to step up and either look after the child himself or come to an arrangement regarding childcare.

furryminkymoo · 05/09/2016 14:17

You need to report your thread and get the names removed.

Drop the Fish wife when dealing with any confrontation, she was in the wrong and you likely felt cornered but your response wouldn't have gone down well, no need to bring her circumstance into it.

Totally agree with you btw, a response to say that this week was one of the two main weeks in your sector, is an exception and not typical of your normal working life and a breezy "thanks for the concern though" would have been a far better message to send.

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 14:17

And if she didn't mention the stepchild she would be wrong too, meandmylovely3 boys.

StepMums can't win, they must love them as their own, but keep a distance and when they do keep a distance they are criticised for not being involved enough. If they do love them and include them they are now fake... Ffs

I love my stepchildren 100% - I'm not fake in this AT ALL.

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KayTee87 · 05/09/2016 14:20

*Surely the father does not put work ahead of the child but ensures he drops everything to be there all the time because these years are so precious and children need him so much.

Nah.

I bet he's at work and not getting shitty texts like this.*

^this

BasinHaircut · 05/09/2016 14:25

I think if have just called her (assuming you are usually on speaking terms) and say "sorry, have I missed something here?"

I reckon she is pissed off with your ex (her DP) and it's just been misdirected at you because she has (probably not for the first time) been left looking after your child whilst her partner (the father) swans off as if it's not his problem.

milkyface · 05/09/2016 14:26

*Absolutely its not. But when she chooses to send such a horribly judgemental text she deserves to be told to wind her neck in.

If she doesnt want to help out that's absolutely fine.

She doesnt get to tell the op that she is a crap neglectful mother and expect what? Yes i am youre so right I'll give up working im so sorry im a piece of shit.

Someone sent a text like that to me I'd throw everything i had at them. *

*One wonders why she looks after the child at all. Surely the father does not put work ahead of the child but ensures he drops everything to be there all the time because these years are so precious and children need him so much.

Nah.

I bet he's at work and not getting shitty texts like this.*

She shouldn't have sent the text, there was no need. Op was equally as horribly judgemental imo.

I don't think she said op was neglectful.

What op should have done is ignore her. By throwing everything you have at someone you show them you're bothered by their opinion, you give them a rise. If you know you're a good mother (which op obviously is) you do not need to justify that to anyone.

Presumably she looks after the child as her partner is at work (because some people do have to work full time and can't take time off at random because their ex's business happens to be busy this week) and she was available.

She doesn't have to do it no. Maybe, she enjoys looking after the child? Maybe her kids and ops child have a nice time together. Maybe, she is just trying to helpful towards op by looking after her stepchild when her mother is busy. Is it so hard to believe?

He's not getting shitty texts from op though either is he? No. She's taking out her hate for him on his girlfriend, who has fuck all control over how much maintenance he pays.

If op is so unhappy with this, she needs to talk to him not belittle his girlfriend (whilst she is carrying out free child care)

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 14:26

Arf agree the dad was possibly unaware of the original text, I'm sure he has been made aware of the return message.

I said I didn't think the stepmum should have sent the text, but neither should have the OP. The OP would have been far better off just arranging everything with her ex and never involving the stepmum in the first place, then it is down to stepmum and dad to work out if childcare is possible on non contact days if a request is made.

As for the comment about the child being made "by herself" of course the dad had something to do with it, but the stepmum didn't and what I was eluding to in my comment is that the stepmum is looking after the DC on a non-contact day (I am assuming) for the benefit of the OP, and if I was in her shoes I might not want to do that in the future if it interrupted my plans.

My role as a stepmum is very different from most as DP is the RP and DC lives with us and sees their mother once every 18months if that. it's common to see StepMums get a load of abuse no mater their role and this thread has been no different.

I think people should think that if you were looking after a child and someone put your career down, was rude about you and then told you to fuck off, despite your original text would you want to help them in the future?

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