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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be a bit resentful about my friend?

144 replies

happyvalley4 · 05/09/2016 09:40

I have a really good friend. We've been very close for 20 years.

She's recently started selling the Forever Living Aloe products and has been a real pain.

She's always messaging me about buying the products and when I do (I've spent about £200 already!) she's bugging me about getting my other friends to buy as well.

I've now agreed to hold a party for her and invited some of my friends. I'll have to lay on drinks and nibbles and all I'll get is 15% off the price of one item. And to be honest I don't even want to buy anything!

But that isn't enough she's now messaged me to rope in another 8 people to start the C9 diet which costs £100!! I could probably sell it if I make enough effort but why should I?

But then I feel mean because she is my friend and I would do anything for her

So AIBU to not help my friend any further? And do you have any advice about how to handle the situation going forwards?

(By the way I am self employed so as well as being a mum I also have my own business to run)

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 05/09/2016 11:15

Tayto SellingCrapFriend isn't hosting the party herself because she is using the OP as a vector to new clients. That is all these women are to her. The party will work just the way Honey described: manipulating the people-pleasing/peace-making element of women's personalities to sell them stuff they don't need. In addition, the hard sell is dressed up as a 'party', in an intimate, friendship-space (OP's house), which is going to make it hard to say no to stuff without seeming rude.

It is already so incredibly rude, expolitative, discourteous, etc. that I cannot really see why OP is worried about being rude to this 'friend' - friend is already way over the line. And OP is going to lose some element of the friendship she has with these 8 friends over this. OP is about to plae 8 of her friends in a really awkward position. They will not be happy.

furryminkymoo · 05/09/2016 11:21

You don't work for her, don't recruit for her, end of. Host the party and tell her that's it for now, say that you have loads of products to use and bat her off in future.

TBH if you tried to recruit me to a diet I wouldn't be impressed, consider how your friends would feel if you start pushing your products onto her?

Willow2016 · 05/09/2016 11:21

Quotes from articles about FL. (Sunday Times)

"One of Forever’s official training manuals advised sellers to contact sick people and to read a script saying: “I know that you have been bothered with health problems (mention the problem) and I have just come across an amazing product which I think will help you. Can I come around and show you what I’ve found?”

Another training document coached sellers on how to sidestep the regulators: “Talk to customers about the health benefits of the products but don’t write them down in any form of advertising on or offline, this would be a claim.”

As for 'bee pollen' there are some reps advising it for hay fever! Seriously, bees dont make pollen, they harvest it off the bees and mix it with bee saliva! Plus other stuff and if you have hay fever, asthma or are allergic to bees you can have a serious reaction (including anaphalaxis in some real life cases) to it. They have NO medical knowledge yet they are 'prescribing' their products for genuine illnesses and dicing with peoples health and lives. Makes me sick.
They have cures for diabetes too!

Gottagetmoving · 05/09/2016 11:25

I have friends who are involved in these types of selling businesses.
We are friends who can be blunt and honest with each other so because I am not interested in any of the products I am able to say I don't want to be involved at all.
I won't buy anything I don't want or need and am not interested in promoting or pushing their goods in anyone else's direction.
If you can't say no to a friend they are not a friend.

embo1 · 05/09/2016 11:35

Ask her what the budget is for the party and how she is going to pay you

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/09/2016 11:35

Op, have you cancelled the party?

NightWanderer · 05/09/2016 11:38

The thing is OP, you've spent 200 pounds on stuff you don't need. Of that 200 pounds, how much did your friend actually get? 30 pounds? Which means, you basically gave away 170 pounds. It's a bit shit really.

thecatfromjapan · 05/09/2016 11:39

By the way, I have realised I didn't answer the OP's question. Here goes:

No, you are not being at all unreasonable in feeling a sense of resentment towards your friend. What this 'resentment' is telling you is that your boundaries have been transgressed and that things are 'wrong' in your relationship. You need to listen to this feeling; to acknowledge it, to accept it, to act on it.

Friends are people we have invited closer into our lives. We extend trust towards them, usually based on previous experience in which they have shown themselves to be worthy of trust. We lower our defences with friends because we expect them - by and large - to act in a trustworthy way with us: we expect their actions to be modified by some acknowledgement of our well-being, by a knowledge of us - our wishes, likes, dislikes, and - yes - our long-term interests.

We probably don't expect out and out self-destructive altruism from our friends. It's nice if we get that (though a little onerous) but we can, reasonably, expect a friend not to trample all over our self-interests in favour of their own.

Generally, when people act in this last way, we cease to consider them 'friends'.

Your 'friend' is manipulating both your gender-socialised bias to be 'nice' and your 'friend'-relationship in order to exploit you. You are giving money to her that you can't really afford. She is now exploiting your friendship-networks, and turning you into someone who is exploiting your other friends for her benefit - not yours.

Of course you are feeling resentful.

The question is, why are your boundaries so poor that you are allowing this to be done to you? And what are you going to do about it?

It's important to answer these questions because, as people, we experience new situations and we change and grow from what we learn in those situations. This is an opportunity for you to learn a little about yourself and become more resilient and self-loving. These are good traits - and they will make you a better friend and more of a friend to yourself. Smile

2kids2dogsnosense · 05/09/2016 11:49

I can't see how it's your responsibility today for the drinks and nibbles other! If she wants refreshments (and of course she does - who wouldn't?) she should be paying forth, setting them out and doing the washing-up afterwards.

2kids2dogsnosense · 05/09/2016 11:50

*to pay, not today

iknowimcoming · 05/09/2016 11:54

I'd sit her down and tell her you love her dearly and you're really happy that she's enjoying the new business so much, but after the party you're having you won't be able to be involved anymore as you need to concentrate on your own business and life and family. You don't want to be involved with the diet malarkey and since you've already spent £200 on her products you'd rather she didn't hassle her to buy more stuff just left it to you to ask if you want to buy more stuff from her. Anytime she tries it on after this chat, state clearly and calmly that you've already explained your situation, you don't want to be involved anymore. Doesn't have to be confrontational and you don't need to lose your friendship, however be aware that she will have been trained in hard selling and if she cannot stick with your rules you may have to distance yourself a bit until she comes to her senses. Sort this out now or it will get worse!

EarthboundMisfit · 05/09/2016 12:02

I have made a blanket rule that I do not buy, share, accept party invitations etc from any of these ridiculous schemes, ever. I'd recommend you do the same.

happyvalley4 · 05/09/2016 12:06

I think after the party if she mentions the product again just say 'Ahh I'm not interested thanks' and repeat.

Yes I think I'll do that. It's a bit tricky to back out now. But I'm going to tell all my friends who are coming that they're free to tell her to F off if she's pushy with them.

OP posts:
happyvalley4 · 05/09/2016 12:08

Why is she not holding the party at her own house?

She's done two at her house already. She wants me to do one because I live in a different area and have a circle of friends she doesn't know.

Am really starting to regret agreeing to it now though.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 05/09/2016 12:31

Tell her srraight. You've realised that the same pressure you're feeling now is the pressure you're going to put your friends under - and it's just not what you want to do.

Or if you want to lie to get out of it, why not say that 1 of the 8 sent a group message apologising but saying she didn't realise it was a selling party but she doesn't like them and won't buy and didn't want to waste your time - and then the others started to drop out.

Or just text "sorry hun, everyone is dropping out Sad so hard to organise which childcare etc, and they weren't that interest in anyway".

If you really want to go ahead, then make sure all 8 know what this sales push party is. Otherwise they'll be pissed off with you. Whilst I'm not surprised that people fall for joining MLMs, I can never understand so many people wanting to go to the sales pitch parties.

Out of your £200 of product, how much are you happily using and want to order again? I bet it's not the £200 Sad You may as well have just given her £100. You'd both have been better off. And now think about that - would you just give cash to her? No.

rollonthesummer · 05/09/2016 12:40

I would NOT be doing this party-it will affect your relationships with your friends.

Text pyramid selling friend and say that everyone's dropped out as they don't like the FL stuff so you'll have to cancel.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2016 12:44

You need to be assertive now!! No no no, sorry no! She sounds very pushy and cheeky, whatever you give her, will not be enough. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship

pictish · 05/09/2016 12:47

Just tell her you have changed your mind. If she asks why (she will) tell the truth...you've had a chance to think about it further and you're not interested in becoming involved with Forever Living in any capacity. Sorry but the party is off.
Rinse and repeat as necessary.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/09/2016 12:47

Cancel the party and have a firm word with your 'friend'. Your other invited friends will be grateful not to have to sit through a sales pitch and guilted into buying tatt that don't want.

I knew someone who tried to organise wine tasting nights. I naively thought this involved each of us bringing along a few bottles of nice wine and sharing them around. What it involved was sitting in a room listening to some rep bang on about the wines he had for sale, they were awful tasting, over priced and I felt like I has been ambushed. I refused to sign up to any monthly wine delivery or buy individual bottles on he spot while my host was making noises along the lines of 'he had driven all the way from x you have to buy at least something'. Not sure if she was on some kind of commission or the sales rep was her mate but I had a seriously diminished view of her afterwards.

Enidblyton1 · 05/09/2016 12:59

Have you already asked your friends to the 'party'? If not, I'd cancel straight away and tactfully tell your friend that nobody was interested. Definitely don't get involved in the diet product. If you carry on helping out your friend this will never stop - she will keep on asking. You need to nip this in the bud now.
I have a friend who does FL. She has always been very discreet. I bought a couple of products early on and still buy one particular product every so often (because I genuinely like it). She has never hassled me and gets most of her sales by going to fairs/events. Suggest this to your friend - hopefully she'll stop bothering her friends and try to find sales elsewhere. I should add that my friend soon found that she couldn't make much money out of FL and has found something else more lucrative to focus on.
Good luck - be firm!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/09/2016 13:02

My lovely friend of 20 years started Forever Living too, it was everywhere, all over her fb, she started adding me to Forever Living fb groups and when I left she would rejoin me, it drove me nuts! She had two parties but I attended neither, both with good reasons but when she rang me just before the second party giving out about all her friends/family cancelling it really pissed me off. She was reading lovely people who were good to get because they wouldn't go and "support her", I told straight but gently that people hate these parties and to tread carefully so she doesn't piss people off.

I never once bought off her and when she messaged me one Friday morning at 6am to try sell five C9's for by Sunday I just said no, it was fine for her to ask people if they were interested but not me as i didn't sell it for a living.

I would back out of the party, when is it? say everyone is dropping out, a mother at school sells it too and she is irritating people so your friends are just shying away from the products altogether. Then stop buying altogether, you can listen and be supportive without handing over cash

Magstermay · 05/09/2016 13:19

I don't think there's anything wrong with hosting a party as long as the guests know what they're going to and don't get a surprise when they turn up. However, selling to your friends separately is a step too far if it's not something that interests you.

CaoNiMao · 05/09/2016 13:32

I'm another one who thinks you should cancel the party.

Honestly, if I rocked up to a party held by a friend in order to stoke another person's dodgy MLM scam, I would seriously reconsider by friendship. In fact, it could actually be the end of the friendship.

FuzzyOwl · 05/09/2016 14:03

If you are going to go ahead with the party then at the very least tell all of your eight friends who are going that it is a sales pitch and you do not feel happy with the ethos behind it, so you completely understand if they want to change their minds about coming and also reiterate that they are under no obligation at all to buy anything and if they do feel pressured to say to you and you will step in to support them. It isn't worth losing eight friends over supporting one friend who is using you and not really a friend at all.

norabattyapparently · 05/09/2016 15:38

Cancel the cheque
(Loosely translated as cancel the party which she sees as a pay cheque at your expense!)