To think my mum is in the wrong? Stuck in the middle of my partner and mother

[Kmoggy]

I can't cope with the tension between them. It's been going on 3 yrs now and it's really stressing me out. I have spoke to them both about countless times but nothing changes. They both have a personality clash and each of them is to sensitive to the others behaviour.
I just had our baby on Thursday and feeling a bit under the weather just now so the last thing I want is to be dealing with this. My mum drove 3 hrs today to come see us. I was hoping it would be all ok for once as a happy occasion but my mum just doesn't seem to have a off filter. She literally has no emotional intelligence and just says things as she thinks them. Sometimes this comes across as rude/pushy etc. I know how to handle her as she is my mum but my partner can't deal with it and refuses to accept the old argument of " it's just the way she is"
He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers easily about £50 for coming home yesterday and she mentioned them when she saw him as a topic of conversation. She said "what beautiful flowers, where did you get them from" he told her and she continued on to say that the place isn't the best florist and the one up the rd is better, she said something along the lines of the place I got ***'s flowers is the best! He then said that this was the place my aunt recommended but she still went on. @yeah she is a good florists but I still think the one up the rd is better"
Now instead of just closing her down politely he didn't say anything and got mad. Ignoring us all and staying out the way.
I feel terrible As he doesn't know how to deal with her at all and although she is always like this " I know best, my way or the highway" attitude. As her daughter I can deal with her harmlessly but he hates her and it's just another things she does that annoys him.

I love my mum dearly but she is a total pain in the bum. She just says what she thinks without thinking of how it comes across etc. She continually tries to give us better ways to run our lives. I know all of this comes from a place of love and care but he doesn't because he doesn't have that relationship with her.
It's going to reach breaking point soon between them and that's something I don't want to happen as I'm an only child so without me and the kids she's not got anyone else!
I hate to always be on at her about but do you think I need to sit down and tell her how she comes across as pushy/rude /dismissive etc? I just feel I'm always having conversations with her and him trying to minimise any arguments. Feeling like I can't cope with it any more.. They just don't get each ither! My mum can't accept diversity and that people are different to her or do things differently and that's ok too! She is an extrovert and he is introverted, he is also dyslexic which affect the speed in which he remembers things etc, she doesn't get this either

OP your mother is nasty and you've disrespected your husband by condoning your mother being nasty to him in his own home and "that's just the way she is" is just cop out. She knows exactly what she's doing.

You need to show a united front with your husband and everytime your mother is nasty to him or has a dig you need to step in and tell her to leave if she's visiting your home or leave her house if you're visiting her.

She isn't always nasty to him in fact she isn't nasty out right it's more in a really friendly way and just the constant need to be right all the time. He is equally as rude to her sometimes like totally ignores her when she visits even although she's said hi to him but reading through all of these posts has helped me to see I need to be a lot more assertive and open my eyes more to her behaviour or comments.

🙈🙈🙈 not really though eh op as you don't really think your mother is doing wrong - in fact your trying to back track and blame your dp for being rude.

Don't be surprised if one day her tells her to fuck the fuck off and you as well. There is only so much some one can take of some else's shitty behaviour before they snap.

You're still excusing her behaviour and condoning it, if you cannot see how wrong her behaviour is just because she's doing it under a "friendly" guise though I could safely bet she knows exactly what she's doing then don't be surprised if your DH snaps one day.

Your normal meter is broken, being nasty to someone is never normal! Your DH will either tell you to cut her off or he is leaving as no one will be happy to deal with that. If your MIL did that to you would you want to be around her? You need to focus on your nuclear family and support your husband. She's being passive aggressive why couldn't she say they are beautiful flowers how lovely of DH to buy them for you. You do not want your children witnessing their father either being undermined by their GM or him losing it with her. If she spoke to your children like that how would you feel? You need to set boundaries now and quick if you want to maintain a relationship. Don't rug sweep this as it will get worse.

You should seek out therapy, try speaking to your doctor you'll have to wait a while but you should get at least six sessions free. I'm so sorry to read you have lost your father, that can't be easy for you especially with a young family. It will be hard to put boundaries on your mum but she should not be bringing extra stress into your home.

Firstly this has nothing To do with extrovert vs introvert. I'm an extrovert with a number of introverted friends - I'd never treat them like this.

Secondly, just because someone has behaved badly in the past is no reason for continuing to allow them to behave badly.

Your Mum's not perfect, that's fine - no one is - but she has to respect you and your DH in your own house.

Pick her up in her behaviour every single time. There doesn't need to be a screaming argument. Just calmly, politely point out unacceptable behaviour.

And I'm sorry, there's no way your DH's feeling DS weren't hurt and humiliated by your DM belittling his flowers in front of his own Mother, in his own home.

Ps Congrats on the new baby!

By failing to back up your husband you are damaging your relationship with him. That's the bottom line. If my husband didn't stick up for me I would lose my respect for him. Stop being so passive and tell your mother to back off. She's being horrible because she thinks you condone it, because you say and do nothing.

As in other MIL threads, your DH has a wife problem, not a MIL problem. Don't be surprised if one day your DH has enough of you putting your selfish, narcissistic bitch of a mother first and walks out that door. Stop making excuses for her. The only "asshole" here is your mother, not your DH. He is subject to constant abuse by her and you just downplay it by saying that's just how she is, she has a good heart (no she doesn't!) or by saying he's rude. You damn right he should be rude to her - she's a miserable bitch to him! She insults him whenever he sees her and you expect him to be polite to her? Get a grip. You are so conditioned to her behaviour. I suggest you start having your DH's back and go get some further counselling for yourself because you're allowing this to happen.