To think my mum is in the wrong? Stuck in the middle of my partner and mother

[Kmoggy]

I can't cope with the tension between them. It's been going on 3 yrs now and it's really stressing me out. I have spoke to them both about countless times but nothing changes. They both have a personality clash and each of them is to sensitive to the others behaviour.
I just had our baby on Thursday and feeling a bit under the weather just now so the last thing I want is to be dealing with this. My mum drove 3 hrs today to come see us. I was hoping it would be all ok for once as a happy occasion but my mum just doesn't seem to have a off filter. She literally has no emotional intelligence and just says things as she thinks them. Sometimes this comes across as rude/pushy etc. I know how to handle her as she is my mum but my partner can't deal with it and refuses to accept the old argument of " it's just the way she is"
He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers easily about £50 for coming home yesterday and she mentioned them when she saw him as a topic of conversation. She said "what beautiful flowers, where did you get them from" he told her and she continued on to say that the place isn't the best florist and the one up the rd is better, she said something along the lines of the place I got ***'s flowers is the best! He then said that this was the place my aunt recommended but she still went on. @yeah she is a good florists but I still think the one up the rd is better"
Now instead of just closing her down politely he didn't say anything and got mad. Ignoring us all and staying out the way.
I feel terrible As he doesn't know how to deal with her at all and although she is always like this " I know best, my way or the highway" attitude. As her daughter I can deal with her harmlessly but he hates her and it's just another things she does that annoys him.

I love my mum dearly but she is a total pain in the bum. She just says what she thinks without thinking of how it comes across etc. She continually tries to give us better ways to run our lives. I know all of this comes from a place of love and care but he doesn't because he doesn't have that relationship with her.
It's going to reach breaking point soon between them and that's something I don't want to happen as I'm an only child so without me and the kids she's not got anyone else!
I hate to always be on at her about but do you think I need to sit down and tell her how she comes across as pushy/rude /dismissive etc? I just feel I'm always having conversations with her and him trying to minimise any arguments. Feeling like I can't cope with it any more.. They just don't get each ither! My mum can't accept diversity and that people are different to her or do things differently and that's ok too! She is an extrovert and he is introverted, he is also dyslexic which affect the speed in which he remembers things etc, she doesn't get this either

That does sound complicated. And, ok, I can see how he might look rude.

But ... you know some of it is his dyslexia. Presumably your mum knows. It's not ok for her to treat him like this.

What if one or more of your children turns out to have the same difficulties (which isn't unlikely)? I'd worry she would be firing off questions at a five-year-old who can't cope, and it would be cruel.

I know that sounds like borrowing trouble as you're not at that stage yet, but it seems to me your mum hasn't really got her mind around the fact that she is no longer the head of your family, and that you have, very naturally, got to develop a different relationship with her now that you're someone else's mother and partner.

Aw, op, only 5 days! You poor thing! I think you should just try forget DM completely and enjoy your beautiful family.

op if I was you I'd leave it a week or so as you need to rest and not be mithered by this

BUT your mother could be my mil and nearly two years ago I packed my bags ready to leave because I just couldn't cope with her constant jabs. I'd heard ALL the excuses you have used in your posts :-

Coming from a bad good place
Got a good heart
I can deal with her
Just the way she is
Doesn't know what she is saying

When infact she does know what she is saying and actually doesn't give a fuck for any one else's feelings apart from her own. YOU enable her to be like this. She is trying to pull your DP down to give herself an elevated position. Wether she realises it or not - that is what she is doing.

Your DP has just has a new baby too and your mother is coming in to his personal safe space and making him feel like shit. She is out of order. It's not your fault that you are an only child and it's not your DP fault either do why should he have to put up with her shit because you have had a life time of conditioning to think this crap is ok? Wait until she starts undermining his parenting ......

Luckily my DH was aware of his mothers behaviour and after I'd heard all the bullshit excuses for her and I got ready to leave one morning he started to back me up and put me and dd as his priority. Yes the shit hit the fan and their were tears - hers. (Crocodile tears) but she knows her boundries now.

There is a difference between saying 'how it is' and being bloody rude.

Partners mum is like this. I've told him, but asked him not to say anything as don't want a rift. I just ignore her and stay out of her way. Husband should ignore her, yes. But you need to say something as it's your mum. It can get very tiring being criticised all the time. There's a difference being speaking your mind & being rude and your mother is just rude. My parents were similar so I sympathise!!!!!

Reading your other posts just makes it clear she is actually quite a bully to him. He would be quite within his rights to tell her to fuck right off.

I know how difficult it can be to have a mum like that. What she's saying/advice she's giving it doesn't come from a place of love and care, it comes from control. Everytime my mum would have said something along the lines you've described, I would just stop and say - "why are you saying that?", "is it so important to be right?", "are you trying to piss on my chips?" - short, sharp and every single time I pulled her up on it.

Things have really improved over the past 10 years or so with my mum but I had to work at it and she had to accept there were consequences for speaking as she found and all that my way is right type defensive shite she would come up with. She has exactly the same relationship with her mum and I don't intend on having the same one with my kids - it had to stop somewhere. You are not responsible for making your mum happy.

Take it easy on yourself - I'm sure the baby is gorgeous , congratulations and best of luck.

rasc do you think you put up with your mil because you have been conditioned of your parents to be passive? When you speak to your Dh what do you think he thinks in his head?

1. wow my mother needs to back off my wife - I'm not having this, I must talk to her

Or

2. eek I hope my wife just keeps her head down like I do and not rock the boat?

I think next time it happens you have every right to blow your stack at your mum. Blame it on hormones if you have to but don't apologise for doing it. Ask her if her mother was as rude to your dad, especially in the 1st week after having you (congrats btw!).
And as for firing extra questions at you dh because his answer isn't quick enough for her, if he broke his wrist and was carrying shopping in his good hand, would she shout at him for not carrying enough and shove a bake in the broken one? Because that essentially is what she is doing - overloading.

Bake? Bag!

She is trying to pull your DP down to give herself an elevated position.

I do see what you mean and I think I agree with that.
There's no other motive for regarding a beautiful bouquet given at such a poignant time as an opportunity to put his effort down and show how she knew better.

What did your mil think of this exchange btw? It's quite galling that your mum would be so arrogant as to start her shit in front of his mother!

Your mother sounds like an insecure narcissist who's scapegoating your DH because he has your affection.

There will be a reason why you don't have that close mother daughter relationship and you live hundreds of miles away.

Check out outofthefog.net, the smart girls survival guide & daughters of narcissistic mothers

If you don't stand up for DH the next target will be you, because she'll want to be everything to that little baby just read the threads on here

congratulations on the birth, this is your time and she's managed to make it all about her I suspect that happens often

Xox

Congratulations on your new baby. It's fantastic that you've got some coping strategies for dealing with your mother and that you've had some counselling to help with this. It is not your dhs "fault" that he doesn't have these or other coping strategies for dealing with her. Now isn't the right time as you've just given birth. However, as she is your mother, i think it is probably your responsibility to help him through this situation.

She sounds like a mild version of my mother. She has bullied me all my life being a narcissist and I suspect has NPD. These type of people exploit others' weaknesses. You're weakened from giving birth in the same way as your dh is because he's dyslexic. You'll never reason with her. As you say, best to just shut her down.

My mother has to stay over as she lives too far away. In small doses she's just about manageable. Depending on how ill I am, that is - im chronically ill and she has a tendency to bash me into submission. I would hate to have her rent a place nearby. How do you feel about this?

Just seen your comment paddle. "She's managed to make it all about her I suspect that happens often". Made me roar with laughter. Sums up a narcissist very well. Only they could make the birth of someone else's child all about them.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, OP. I really feel for you because I have a DM like yours and my husband avoids her like the plague. It took me years to realise she had conditioned me to accept her behaviour because the consequences of not were always explosive. When she starts with her offence, I now say things like, "Good job I'm living my life and you're living yours," or "Ah well, we can't agree on everything." Challenging her doesn't work, it just becomes extremely unpleasant and, in the same way she doesn't have a filter for her comments, she doesn't seem to be able to control her temper either. I ask my husband to be cordial when she arrives, and then he disappears. I make it a rule not to be negative about my husband around her so she has no ammunition.
I'd be very wary of letting her help with the children much, they are like little sponges and whilst you are trying to teach them to be empathetic she will be undermining that but for now, enjoy that little bundle.

"my mum can't get to grips with this "

Bet she could if she tried!

Why should he accept her how she is when she won't accept how he is?

Do you really need/want her around to "help", or would it be more trouble than it's worth?

Diddl - in an ideal world it would be great as my mil lives 4 hrs away too and I have 1 ur old twins plus new baby but the reality of it is yes it will be a nightmare. She'd expect to be here every day to help out. I never ask her for help not do I ask her to buy things very often for us but she lavishes us with gifts which is nice but no asked for or expected! As usually anything you ask her do gets cast bk at you somewhere along the lines of " how's she doesn't get any thanks for xyz" or how much it out her out to do that for you.. So I just don't ask.

OP, firstly congratulations on your new arrival and at the thought of a newborn plus one year old twins. I imagine everyone is tired and emotional.

My mum could be your mum. She also says things that are plain rude and now I do challenge her. Also within the family we have a bit of an eye roll and repeat her worst offences and have a giggle. She's recently been heard to say that the toddler of the family, who has a hearty appetite, will get obese soon.

Actually my mum is a lovely person and I'm sad that she has probably upset and alienated people all her life. People who know her well do know this.

Can you chat with dh and maybe turn some of her changers into a bit of a joke? Have a moment where your eyes meet and you wink as you politely say something to her to challenge her rudeness? I fully appreciate it is her problem, not his, but on a practical level, I doubt she will change much and it is just nicer if you can all rub along. He also needs to think about his own communication skills and see if her can come up with some replies that bounce back her remarks.

Tricky one but can be improved ime.

Were you present during the conversation about the flowers? I know you probably weren't in the best state to intervene, but ideally you should have jumped in and said something like "I absolutely love them, I don't care what any other florist might have done, these are perfect."

Yes and no.. I was in the toilet 😂😂 by the time I got out it was over but my mil filled me in on it

And what mil make of it?

😐 didn't really say much just that she could see my partner was trying to think of the name of florist etc but that mum just kept asking him even more questions and he was struggling. She also told me tho when it was just them that mum said " they don't appriciate all we do for them" and my mil said like what coz I don't really do anything for them and mum said like all this driving up and down to see/help them " and my mil said she thought emm well no coz we choose to live where we live and I don't think it's a chore to come see them I just wish I could do it more often. 😬
Also she said in front of mil (who lost her daughter when her daughter was 19) "if I knew what I knew then I'd have had a hysterectomy" which made me cringe as just not really sensitive to say!

Can't you persuade MIL to come & stay nearby & help out?

Your mum sounds as if she would do it grudgingly & then boast to everyone about how good a mother/Gm she is.

I'd rather not have that sort of help!