To think my mum is in the wrong? Stuck in the middle of my partner and mother

[Kmoggy]

I can't cope with the tension between them. It's been going on 3 yrs now and it's really stressing me out. I have spoke to them both about countless times but nothing changes. They both have a personality clash and each of them is to sensitive to the others behaviour.
I just had our baby on Thursday and feeling a bit under the weather just now so the last thing I want is to be dealing with this. My mum drove 3 hrs today to come see us. I was hoping it would be all ok for once as a happy occasion but my mum just doesn't seem to have a off filter. She literally has no emotional intelligence and just says things as she thinks them. Sometimes this comes across as rude/pushy etc. I know how to handle her as she is my mum but my partner can't deal with it and refuses to accept the old argument of " it's just the way she is"
He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers easily about £50 for coming home yesterday and she mentioned them when she saw him as a topic of conversation. She said "what beautiful flowers, where did you get them from" he told her and she continued on to say that the place isn't the best florist and the one up the rd is better, she said something along the lines of the place I got ***'s flowers is the best! He then said that this was the place my aunt recommended but she still went on. @yeah she is a good florists but I still think the one up the rd is better"
Now instead of just closing her down politely he didn't say anything and got mad. Ignoring us all and staying out the way.
I feel terrible As he doesn't know how to deal with her at all and although she is always like this " I know best, my way or the highway" attitude. As her daughter I can deal with her harmlessly but he hates her and it's just another things she does that annoys him.

I love my mum dearly but she is a total pain in the bum. She just says what she thinks without thinking of how it comes across etc. She continually tries to give us better ways to run our lives. I know all of this comes from a place of love and care but he doesn't because he doesn't have that relationship with her.
It's going to reach breaking point soon between them and that's something I don't want to happen as I'm an only child so without me and the kids she's not got anyone else!
I hate to always be on at her about but do you think I need to sit down and tell her how she comes across as pushy/rude /dismissive etc? I just feel I'm always having conversations with her and him trying to minimise any arguments. Feeling like I can't cope with it any more.. They just don't get each ither! My mum can't accept diversity and that people are different to her or do things differently and that's ok too! She is an extrovert and he is introverted, he is also dyslexic which affect the speed in which he remembers things etc, she doesn't get this either

In my experience these type of people rarely change, in fact they are more likely to wear their rudeness as a badge of honour and defend it, "I am only being honest, how can you be upset with me telling the truth" etc etc. Subtlety does not work, gentle persuasion does not work, a quiet word does not work, you have to reset acceptable boundaries, make sure she understands those boundaries by being as blunt as she has been to date. She will kick up a stink, complain of unfairness, sulk and play the victim card but stick to your guns and step in when she plays up. It's not easy but it's the only way.

BIFF Feedback for your Mum is needed I think :)

B - Behaviour - "When you did this...."
I - Impact - "This Happened as a result...."
F - Feeling - "It made me feel like this...."
F - Future - "In future, I'd appreciate it if you..."

So for example your conversation about her comments:

"When you mentioned the flowers and indicated that DH didn't use the best florist even though the flowers were nice, it upset DH and he felt uncomfortable around you. This made me feel angry and upset. In future I'd like it if you could consider DH's feelings before you share your thoughts"

You are the daughter of a difficult mother and your method of coping, doesn't necessarily work for someone who wasn't born conditioned into that dynamic.

Your in the middle of this because you choose to acept your mother's rudeness and you don't seem to understand that your partner is under no obligation to and/or adopt your method placating of dealing with her.

In the example given, you should have stepped in and shut your mother down, not get exasperated at your partner for not adopting a method you chose not to implement.

Has it ever occurred to you that your method of 'handling' your mother is part of the problem and not 'the' solution. By avoiding your Mother, your partner did the only thing in his power, which is limiting his exposure to her.

Try looking at this from your partners point of view instead of just focusing on how this impacts on you.

I agree with Pluto, but this could be a long job as you've been enabling this behaviour for a long time. Put DH first in future, and think of the example she's going to set for your baby if she's allowed to carry on like this in your home.

It annoys the fuck out of me when people excuse rudeness/nastiness/bigotry/racism with "but that's just who they are/otherwise they are a nice person"

OP I can sympathise a little here as my mum is quite similar.

I'm an only child and love my mum to bits. She's a lovely woman who will do anything to help anyone. If you rang at 3am and needed help she would be there in a heartbeat. However, she does not have a filter and can come across as very rude at times. Particularly when she engages her mouth before her brain.

My oh is wonderful and actually appeases her a lot of the time. I get mad and will stand up and say that she is being rude. I'm not always sure what the correct approach is as whilst yes, people should be pulled up on their behaviour if they are being really rude, it's an idealistic scenario to assume that all human kind should fit into this polite little box where no one ever offends someone else

I'd say pick your battles with it. And your OH should do the same. Yes, your mum may well be forthright with her opinions. My mum is too. However as she told me that she was entitled to her opinion, I advised her that was absolutely correct but that didn't give her the right to voice it nor for her not to be pulled up on being rude by voicing it as a fact rather than an opinion.

She's getting slightly better but then I'm also trying to relax a little bit. I think it's give and take on all sides x

Your mother was bloody rude to have criticised your dh's choice of florist, particularly around such a happy, significant, poignant occasion in your lives. All she should have said was, "How lovely!" and kept her know-it-all critical opinion to herself.

Your mum was in the wrong here. I don't see why you can't tell her so.

Btw, I will add that the one thing I will not stand by, is being told how I should or shouldn't do something in my own home. DM knows this and doesn't comment. She has in the past been advised that if she doesn't like something/it's not how she would do it, then she doesn't need to cross my threshold. The message is clear and she does understand.

Some messages are clear to get across

Isetan has it right I think. I also agree with others that say you should have a word with her and from here on in pull her up everytime she shit stirs to support you DH. Your DM needs to modify her behaviour; you need to modify the way you deal with her (because the way you have dealt with it up til now is not working anymore) and your DH needs to try not to let her get to him too much. This is not a great time for all this of course with a new baby I appreciate that.

She sounds insecure and jealous but thI think a good response might be ' that's a really horrible/mean/spiteful

My mum's somewhat like this too OP. I also feel it comes from love and I do still care for her and enjoy her company (most of the time), we chat easily and she's funny.

Talking to her about it has little or no impact. If you used the BIFF approach mentioned above, she'd just launch into a justification of why she's right and why you/DH are weak (or something) for getting upset over a flippant comment about a florists. I'd feel exhausted by the convo and she wouldn't appreciate at all that any change needed to be made. I'd save the 'talks' for really important topics.

My approach is to:

1. ignore often, poke fun & laugh at her ridiculousness whenever possible (e.g. If she's telling someone off about cutting the cheese wrongly we will launch into the terrible, devastating consequences we can think might happen to the poor, poor lump of cheese)
2. laugh about her craziness with DH when she's gone
3. use the stern line occasionally for really off bounds conversations (my weight for e.g. which is one of her favourite discussion topics and she's been told firmly to avoid). She does have the hump that there are 'banned' topics.

Congrats on the baby and good luck with your mum.

Sorry, posted too soon.

She sounds insecure and jealous so need to hurt/put down other people in order to feel better about herself. Understandable but not an excuse.

I think a good response to any future mean comments might be an incredulous 'That's a really nasty/spiteful/unkind thing to say - why would you say something like that?' Like others have said, if she gets offended and flounces off, just watch her go and enjoy the peace and quiet. It sounds like she will always come back because her insecurities mean she needs attention.

Your poor dp. I would tell your mother she can only visit when dp is out and let her know the reason why. He shouldn't be subjected to your mother. A firm line is needed.

Try getting DH not to 'feed the conversation'. If he'd just said 'Oh OK, I'll try that florist next time' then she has nothing to fight back against, she feels like she 'helped' (or won) and DH doesn't get wound up.

Oh and for fuck sake do NOT 'allow' her to rent somewhere near by or you'll (understandably) be a single parent to three little ones! If you need help hire a teenager after school or get an au pair or something. Not your bloody mother with her know-it-all-unfiltered-mouth.

I know that this harsh boundaries settings convo needs to happen I just fear it's going to be awful. I know I'm day 5 postpartum so today may not be the best day to have this conversation as really tearful anyway but I'll talk to my partner today about it and tackle mum next week xx

If he'd just said 'Oh OK, I'll try that florist next time' then she has nothing to fight back against, she feels like she 'helped' (or won) and DH doesn't get wound up.

I don't actually think this is a good idea. This would be the DP tacitly admitting he's got it wrong and needs her 'help'. He doesn't. He chose lovely flowers that the OP was happy with - until her mother criticised them.

I feel quite bad for the DP here, cumulatively. We're told he sounds like an 'asshole' (I don't really see how) to the mum, and that he struggles with social communication (though it's fairly clear he's in a really hard position) and that his dyslexia makes him struggle with memory. I think if I were this DP, and my partner were saying these things about me, I would feel quite bad, as if my own insufficiencies were a big part of the problem. And yet, really, there's no evidence in this thread that they actually are.

Ltd. It's hard to explain to complexities of their relationship in one post! He can be rude and come across as ignoring people sometimes as he doesn't make eye contact when spoken to etc and gives one word answers not just to my mum. It's part of his personality and feeling Uncomfy with strangers the problem is my mum can't get to grips with this and expects him to be well mannered and polite to her st all times. His dyslexia makes him struggle with memory so when he doesn't answer her quick enough (for her) she fires about 5 other questions at him causing him get stressed out trying to answer them all. He basically shuts down socially when she is around and yes it's due to her behaviour but a large part of that too is personality type and he's a quiet guy. She makes out he's an asshole at every opportunity as he doesn't speak to her or is blunt with her. That's what I meant.

I do wonder how he was supposed to "close her down politely"-sounds as if she'd always have something to add!

If he said "I'm happy with the decision I made" she'd probably be telling him to try X next time anyway.

When you do have it out with mum, tell her that her manners were appalling...because they were. Anyone with even a snifter of social grace knows that was not the time or the place to 'pull rank' as though she has any.
Rude. As. Fuck.

Also it's worth noting that she is completely oblivious to the fact that anything was wrong yesterday. She just thinks that's my partner and he is rude as usual by not speaking or accepting any help( when she tried to fold the laundry and help him with dinner) my mil was there too so I think she felt a bit or competition as she is insanely jealous of other people spending time with us when she can't essentially.

If my mother treated my DH like this she'd have been told to fuck right off years ago

my partner can't deal with it and refuses to accept the old argument of " it's just the way she is"

Why should anyone have to put up with rudeness etc just because "that's just the way" the person is?

Agree with PP that I don't think your mother is innocently thoughtless - I think that she's being deliberately provocative. This is wrong and it is your responsibility to tell her that it has to stop - now. Otherwise I would tell her that contact will be reduced and stand by this. Your loyalty is to your husband and you have to have his back on this.

However, I'm going to slightly go against the grain by saying that I think your husband behaved badly in the particular situation you describe. You had just come home from hospital after having his baby, when your mother offended him he should have grown a pair and dealt with it for a few hours as opposed to 'ignoring you all'. It wouldn't have taken much to let him wash over him his once and not put all this pressure on you just after you've given birth.