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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my mum is in the wrong? Stuck in the middle of my partner and mother

109 replies

Kmoggy · 05/09/2016 07:53

I can't cope with the tension between them. It's been going on 3 yrs now and it's really stressing me out. I have spoke to them both about countless times but nothing changes. They both have a personality clash and each of them is to sensitive to the others behaviour.
I just had our baby on Thursday and feeling a bit under the weather just now so the last thing I want is to be dealing with this. My mum drove 3 hrs today to come see us. I was hoping it would be all ok for once as a happy occasion but my mum just doesn't seem to have a off filter. She literally has no emotional intelligence and just says things as she thinks them. Sometimes this comes across as rude/pushy etc. I know how to handle her as she is my mum but my partner can't deal with it and refuses to accept the old argument of " it's just the way she is"
He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers easily about £50 for coming home yesterday and she mentioned them when she saw him as a topic of conversation. She said "what beautiful flowers, where did you get them from" he told her and she continued on to say that the place isn't the best florist and the one up the rd is better, she said something along the lines of the place I got ***'s flowers is the best! He then said that this was the place my aunt recommended but she still went on. @yeah she is a good florists but I still think the one up the rd is better"
Now instead of just closing her down politely he didn't say anything and got mad. Ignoring us all and staying out the way.
I feel terrible As he doesn't know how to deal with her at all and although she is always like this " I know best, my way or the highway" attitude. As her daughter I can deal with her harmlessly but he hates her and it's just another things she does that annoys him.

I love my mum dearly but she is a total pain in the bum. She just says what she thinks without thinking of how it comes across etc. She continually tries to give us better ways to run our lives. I know all of this comes from a place of love and care but he doesn't because he doesn't have that relationship with her.
It's going to reach breaking point soon between them and that's something I don't want to happen as I'm an only child so without me and the kids she's not got anyone else!
I hate to always be on at her about but do you think I need to sit down and tell her how she comes across as pushy/rude /dismissive etc? I just feel I'm always having conversations with her and him trying to minimise any arguments. Feeling like I can't cope with it any more.. They just don't get each ither! My mum can't accept diversity and that people are different to her or do things differently and that's ok too! She is an extrovert and he is introverted, he is also dyslexic which affect the speed in which he remembers things etc, she doesn't get this either

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gazelda · 05/09/2016 13:03

OP, if I were you, I'd make sure DH knows how much you love and appreciate the flowers. And I'd reassure him that you've heard how DM behaved and that you are sorry he had been criticised again.

Then tell him that you, he and the 3(!) tinies will enjoy settling in together for the next week or so but that you promise you will then be talking frankly to your DM about the way she behaves towards him, can he please try to wipe the slate clean and be warmer towards her when they are next together.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2016 13:10

Your DM deserves to be upset. Your DH doesn't

Your DM is a pain in the arse who is causing you major anxiety when you have just had a baby.

Don't let her visit for a while.

I expect you are so deep in the FOG the mere thought of telling her you don't want her around for a while makes you feel a bit panicky.

Btw, if a visitor to my house said my lovely DH was an asshole. They'd be leaving my house.

Why not give DH permission to tell your DM off when she is a bitch to him? Also the right to ask her to leave the premises. Obviously he has this right already but he is choosing not to exercise it for fear of upsetting you.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 05/09/2016 13:24

Yeah I spoke to him this am about it and said that I am aware how horrible it was for her to go about the flowed and that I will be speaking to her about it all and putting in place some clear boundaries. He said if it wasn't for the baby being home and my feelings he'd have said to her to leave yesterday. He said that the rule from now on is if she's rude to me him or anyone from now on she'll be told to leave and she can come bk the next day. Which I thinks fair I just need to make it clear to my mum that.

OP posts:
Amelie10 · 05/09/2016 13:44

I can see why your dp can't stand her, she sounds insufferable and miserable to be around. Who does she think she is throwing her weight around in your home? You seem to make a lot of excuses for her, I don't know how your dp puts up with it from both of you. You really need to put her in her place, she is rude and disrespectful to your dp and needs to be dealt with. She isn't as lovely as you seem to think.

Atenco · 05/09/2016 13:58

Congratulations on your new baby, OP. I am sorry you are having to deal with such a thing so soon after the birth.

I'm just throwing this out there as something that has often worked for me, could you not encourage your dp to see the funny side of your mother's foibles.

Mix56 · 05/09/2016 14:02

Some poignant words here:

Do you agree that she is trying to control you and belittle your DP?
She has to be "top dog"
She's managed to create bad feeling and make herself the centre of attention.
She's a narcissist who's scapegoating your DH because he has your affection.
Wait she starts undermining his parenting .......

She is jealous that her only child has a life, she is deliberately trying to sabotage it.

Tell her you Love your DH, that her intentional criticism & lack of manners are likely to cause a large rift between you & HER
You will not accept her behaviour particularly in your own home, & 5 days after having a fucking baby.
It is not a case of who is better than who, it is not a game, you are not chalking up points. If she cannot be pleasant & keep her clap shut, then she needs to go home & stay there, & to boot, all her presents & the effort of travelling to your house, are her decision, if she doesn't want to do it, then DON'T

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 14:10

Now that you're telling us more about her, she is nastier and much more like my mother. I wasn't clear about the hysterectomy. Was that your mother expressing "regret" at having given birth to you? Sorry I couldn't make sense of it.

It is always better to catch her in the act of doing something. If you approach her about the flowers, I don't know how it will go. She will probably brush it off as dh being soooo sensitive and you being silly, everyone out to get her etc.

What I would be careful of is when your dcs get older. One time, according to my mother and subsequent to a conversation with my brother, my DD, then 7 bullied mother's 45 yr old manchild. He's married with a Dc then aged 4. I didn't mince my words when she threatened to smack DD and told me I needed to get her in hand otherwise she wouldn't turn out well and some other crap. Brother is also a narcissist. DD was just acting like a typical 7 yr old and brother and Sil were treating DD and their golden child son very differently.

Last year mother criticised DD for being overweight to which I retorted how could she say that when she had an obese child (brother was obese). She looked blankly at me and I explained I was referring to my brother, who was far fatter than DD. She didn't know what to say for several seconds and finally plumped for "not at that age". DD is always hungry btw. She's definitely in the overweight category and that's partly muscle and big frame and partly fat, she's always hungry.

WindPowerRanger · 05/09/2016 14:11

Your DP's plan is a very good one. No debate, as soon as your mother oversteps the mark, she leaves. Present a united front.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 05/09/2016 14:13

The lavishing you duty gifts is classic - it basically ties you up in guilt if you want to tell her to shut the fuck up - so then indeed she can say 'after every thing i do for you'

Op read toxic parents I bet it's an eye opener for you.

Good on your DP for getting ready to stand up to her.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 05/09/2016 17:24

Ah man I don't want to admit that she's fucked up or have that discussion at all with her. But I have told her for years she needs therapy and that it would help her clear out old baggage. I know I'm enabling her but I really do care alot about hurting her and would hate to be harsh, can't handle her crying at all! Prob how I'm feeling today too coz crying just thinking about it.

OP posts:
Ninasimoneinthemorning · 05/09/2016 17:32

It's not baggage is a personality disorder.

op you really need to read toxic parents you have been trained to constantly feel sorry for her.

You've just had a baby, let your dp take the mantle for a while. Is your mum coming up daily?

Bluechip · 05/09/2016 17:40

OP I feel for you - I have a relative like this who I love dearly but has no filter and is extremely blunt. She genuinely doesn't get it. The only solution as pp say is to deal as it comes up and be equally blunt in return. My relative seems to get this ie a 'that's really rude mum, they're beautiful flowers from a lovely florist and a really kind thought so it's rude to be saying somewhere else is better.' Then change the subject. I appreciate you weren't there at the time so can you empathise with your DP, explain you are speaking to your mum about it and will also address things as they come up and encourage him to do the same ie try not to get mad silently (even though he's justified) but calmly say 'actually I put a lot of thought into a lovely bunch of flowers for your Dd and that's not a helpful comment' and then change the subject. Reassure him you are addressing it too. Congrats on your baby Flowers

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2016 18:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 05/09/2016 18:29

"but I really do care alot about hurting her "

That's how she gets away with being so thoughtless/tactless to you both though.

But really, all it needs is that using the flowers as an example, if she is critical & demeaning like that again, she will be asked to leave as neither of you will be spoken to like that.

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 18:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 05/09/2016 19:40

If course I care about hurting him but he isn't hurt by her just can't be arsed with her. He knows I have his bk but also how much the guilt plays on me re excluding her from my life. I love her dearly as I do him but him and I are good ( 🙊Most of the time )
I just have a fear of her dying and not feeling like I loved her enough or that dying knowing we had a shitty relationship. All totally irrational I know but it took me a long time to get over that guilt of being a bad daughter when my father died suddenly.. I don't want to repeat that with my mother xx

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/09/2016 19:44

Your mum is a massive bitch, controlling and rude to your DH. You say you can't handle her crying, tough, your DH is your most important person after the DCs right now. Hopefully neither DM is staying with you. She's not coming from a good place nor does she have a good heart, she's a total bitch.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 19:51

She's really done a number on you. Get more counselling would be my best advice. You sound like my younger self.

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 05/09/2016 20:13

" I don't want to repeat that with my mother "

This is all so sad.

You are not a bad daughter, but she is certainly a bad mother.

Darnda · 05/09/2016 20:38

You're mum is wrong. I speak from experience. My mum does exactly this and it's horrible. If your mum will listen to you talk to her and explain. My mum never listens and now we don't speak.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 05/09/2016 20:48

I'd love more counselling as it did open my eyes to stuff before and made me react a bit better. I know that you all think I don't stand up to her but before I had counselling I never did and certainly couldn't do it healthy.. There was always terrible arguments that resulted in me feeling terrible for weeks /months. I just can't afford £200 a month on it!

OP posts:
ParkingLottie · 06/09/2016 08:28

Kmoggy, congratulations on the birth of your new baby.
You deserve to enjoy at least the first 10 days to just simply enjoy your baby with your DP.

Sad that your Mum managed to stir all this up at such a special time.

Hold tight with your DP, bear all this in mind, and start with clear ground rules next time she visits.

Has she gone home yet?

Mix56 · 06/09/2016 10:32

And Do not let her move near you. It will ruin your life