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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're a houseguest you should try to fit in with the family's routines?

106 replies

SeaFlute · 05/09/2016 06:39

Especially if you're staying longer than a month!

Not sure if I'm BU but it irks me that PILs sleep in until mid morning then take a 3-hour nap every afternoon. Whereas I am up at 1am, 3am, 5am with baby and up for day by 6am.

It also messes up all the family meals (7am-12pm-6pm) and they like to eat at 11am-4pm-9pm.

Trying to keep baby quiet and away from their room while they're napping is a PITA.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SouthWindsWesterly · 05/09/2016 20:20

Eating together as a family is only a real thing if they act like a family in the first place. It doesn't sound like they are considerate of your nuclear family needs above their own.

tictactoad · 05/09/2016 20:57

Two months Shock

NicknameUsed · 05/09/2016 21:07

"We all eat between 4.30 - 5.30."

Wow! That is early. How on earth do you work up an appetite in such a short time? Do you not bother with lunch?

We tend to eat lunch at about 12ish and I'm never hungry before 6.30 at the earliest.

MumiTravels · 05/09/2016 21:54

@nickname - Can't say I do have lunch really. I'll sit with DS at the table and have a piece of fruit whilst he eats lunch. We only have breakfast at 9am - 9.30am as DS loves a lay in. He will happily eat lunch and tea though. He's pulling at my clothes come 16.30 and hovering round the kitchen waiting. He gets a case of the 'hangries' bad. If u give him a snack instead of his tea and try and stretch him out he then doesn't concentrate with his meal.

6.30 I'm putting DS in PJs and having quiet story time. After he's gone to bed I potter about the house then settle for the night. It works for us.

If we have guests then we either all go out for tea at 5pm or we eat at 7pm at home but have to eat off our knees as only 3 breakfast bar stools and no room for table Sad

PrimalLass · 05/09/2016 22:01

I'm Hmm about all the people who are incredulous that other people have routines that are different from theirs...

FTR, we have dinner at 6.30, at the kitchen table.

pictish · 05/09/2016 22:03

Well certainly don't tiptoe around for them fgs. Just carry on your day as you would.

Original poster
SeaFlute · 06/09/2016 08:15

I find it hard not to tiptoe, they are guests and it seems rude/inconsiderate to let DD bang around/screech in playroom when they're asleep.

I feel really awkward and self conscious eating in front of them when they're not eating Blush They sit and watch me eat! Then they have the family meal with DH later (he doesn't mind eating late).

OP posts:
Monz77 · 06/09/2016 08:52

I am feeling your pain. My in-laws came to stay with us when I was 8-months pregnant with my first, who was due in July. They stayed until after Christmas that year. They stayed in a caravan out the front, but they were in our house every. f***g. day. Worse, it was a little 3x1 and we had one tv in the lounge room. I was doing shift-work at the time, and would get home at 8pm and they'd be in the lounge, watching tv until after 10pm so I couldn't even watch the programmes I wanted to watch. And my mother-in-law would cook, which was helpful on the one hand, but on the other hand, I'd get something out (e.g. chicken) with an idea that I'd like to eat a particular thing (e.g. Apricot Chicken) and she'd go and cook it to what she wanted (e.g. Chicken Curry)... I couldn't even eat what I wanted! AND then they had a friend come and stay with them in the caravan, so when our baby was born and I was trying to learn to breastfeed, I had a house full of people.
And then they did it again the next time - after our son was born - stayed for another few months in the caravan.
And the last time, we'd moved to a bigger house and they stayed for weeks on end, culminating in a huge screaming match between me and my husband (and we thereafter separated for good) when his father took over a dinner I'd planned and then told me "you need to organise your life, lady" because my dinner was going to be later than his dinner.
One GREAT thing about separation - I never have to see or have those people in my home ever, ever again. Grin

RiverTam · 06/09/2016 09:40

OP - where is your DH in all this? Have you told him how you feel?

sandbagsatdawn · 06/09/2016 09:50

Funny how people are amazed at other people's routines. I thought eating at 5 with the kids would be pretty standard as 7ish seems to be bedtime ish. Having said that dh and I either eat at 5 with the kids, or not until about 9.30 if we eat separately as then we have wait til after bedtime to cook. I do think there has to be a bit if give and take with guests but they are definitely not making any effort to fit in with or enjoy time with your family.

dowhatnow · 06/09/2016 10:19

You can't expect them to fit completely in with you but they can't expect you to fit in with them.

Do your own thing and don't try to keep the kids quiet or limit where they play. Don't feel guilty. It's their choice to do things differently but you shouldn't have to be involved in facilitating this.

dowhatnow · 06/09/2016 10:22

And I certainly wouldn't be going hungry or be upsetting my digestive system by eating just before I go to bed. Eat when you need to. Have them plate up a meal for you and eat it the next day when it's convenient to you.
Or vice versa if DH would support you.

Themoleisdead · 06/09/2016 10:34

Your PIL are being quite rude IMO but myDB is like this when he visits. I carry on as normal,and do not change my usual routine . If he is not present at dinner time (I leave him to make his own lunch and breakfast), I stick it on a plate for him to microwave later.

AnUtterIdiot · 06/09/2016 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheesyWeez · 06/09/2016 18:10

You are the one with the most important needs regarding sleep. If you're getting up 3 times in the night then you need to eat at a time ready for you to go to sleep when you can. 10pm seems very late to me if you're up so often in the night. Keep to your own timetable, or you'll go bonkers. Let DH sit up with them / eat late with them if he wants! Then at least you'll be fresh enough to go out with them in the day if you want to.

maninawomansworld01 · 06/09/2016 23:07

Just carry on as normal.
If you do a meal for them and they're not around to eat it just plate one up and keep it for them. When they're hungry they can either reheat it or make something fresh (and clear up after themselves).
Don't be tiptoeing around when they're sleeping. Don't be deliberately noisy either, just carry on as if they weren't there.

Daisies123 · 07/09/2016 07:23

I expect to fit in with the hosts' times when I'm visiting someone, although with the baby I warn them when she's used to eating meals and when her bedtime is. I wouldn't make an effort to keep the baby quiet after 8am. Surely they're meant to be there to help you rather than create work?

DD is nine months and your timings sound fine to me - we breakfast around 8.30am (she has a long BF in bed with me when she wakes around 6.30am but she doesn't feed during the night). Lunch around 1pm and then we all eat tea together at 5.30. She generally is asleep by 6.45pm. We'll often have a snack around 9pm and go to bed at 10.

You must be seriously knackered OP - please take care of yourself.

acornsandnuts · 07/09/2016 07:42

Just say in a breezy manner that your trying to get Dd into routines which include play time in her nursery, and hope they're not light sleepers

When preparing your evening meal say you really need some quiet space to clear your head after your day and move to another room, if they follow you move again.

I don't think they should fit with your day but I really don't think you need to fit with theirs.

I think it's one of those times you need to just brazenly style it out without apology.

nellieellie · 07/09/2016 08:10

Is your baby young? If so, my view is they're there to help out. If they're not cooking an evening meal for everyone when you have the baby to look after, think they're a bit mean. I'd say that it's fine for them to do what they want as long as they can sort their own food as you have the baby to look after. Keeping him quiet while they nap in the afternoon! No way. Your baby, your home. This time is precious. Play with your baby without worrying about waking up two selfish people who think they're in a particularly accommodating hotel.

mylaptopismylapdog · 07/09/2016 08:27

2 months is too long unless someone has a housing issue, Can you take the fuse out so the tv doesn't work past a certain time? Or be kind and take them some tea or coffee in the morning then bring in your daughter to see them, after all that's why they are there. Give them a list and ask them to do some shopping. Tell your husband he needs to take them out for a day to give you a break.

KWB1 · 07/09/2016 09:16

Reasonable not to expect people to have to get up for an early kids breakfast and it's the sort of meal you can get yourself. But lunch and supper they should eat with you. They could easily have a light (late) breakfast. Your DH is being unfair and should eat with you not them. Carry on with your routine and let them have theirs later.
They are being incredibly selfish not helping you with the baby and trying to give you a break. But some people just don't get it. They don't sound like they are being deliberately mean.

This reminds me of my own PILs. My DH was working abroad on rotation (7 weeks away, 2 weeks at home). I had 4 DCs, 5, 21 months and 5 week old twins. I had a live out nanny in the week but no help at weekends and evenings/nights. To say it was hard work would be an understatement. For the first couple of months relatives took it in turns to come and help me at weekends. When my PILs came they stayed at a B&B (they always did this and it worked well as everyone had their own space - they'd spend the days with us and disappear at 10ish at the end of the evening). On the Friday night MIL went on and on about giving me a Saturday lie in, asking what time I would usually get out of bed and promising she would be there to breakfast the DCs. I was so grateful. Anyway, Saturday morning came and went. No MIL. Eventually at 11am I got fed up of waiting and went out. I left a note and the key. Expected to return finding them there and apologetic. But no. When I got back at 12.30 they were still not there. They turned up a few minutes later. Offered a lame excuse about sleeping through the alarm (patently untrue as they have a dog and would have had to get up to take it for a morning pee and FIL is always an early riser). And to top it all then asked what was for lunch.
Some people just don't get it. But your DH should be with you for mealtimes not wait to eat with his parents and leave you to eat alone.

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2016 09:19

If you were staying with them you would fit into their routine - siesta, late meals etc.

They are staying with you (and you're still working and have a baby) so they fit in with your routine.

Simples.

Hotlingbling · 07/09/2016 09:33

Eating dinner after 7 is too late for me. What time do your children go to sleep? Bed time here is 9 o'clock for the 5&6yr ds's.
I like to eat dinner with my children as well it's great family time. Also I need to build my hunger for when the good treats come out when the kids go to sleep goodbye basic buscuitsWink

DunDunDaa · 07/09/2016 10:06

My opinion: They are not guests, they are family. You're parents(your hubbys parents are yours now), not siblings or hubbys siblings. Yes it is annoying, yes it is inconvenient, but do you expect to stick to your routine for the rest of your life? I mean they probably had the same routine as you when they were raising kids, I don't see why they should have to stick to it till death.
I would put up with it. Like you say its only a month. It seems they are not having a holiday, they just want to be with family but still enjoy their routine. It's better they do their routine and you do yours then you be told how to do yours.
Save them their meals. Let your DC play and be reasonable. They won't be there for long.
I'm not saying its going to be easy or fun. I would be annoyed too. But life's too short to be angry when you can let it pass. Treat them with the highest respect. Your children will see this and learn to be the same with you.

ginghamstarfish · 07/09/2016 10:16

Yes, they are being rude and selfish, and should try more to fit in with your household re meal times - what do they do if they go on holiday? You just keep to your normal routines and leave their meals so they can eat later if they insist. It would drive me mad! My PILs stay occasionally, and are generally very nice, but FIL likes to have a nap ON THE SOFA so everyone is expected to tiptoe around and listen to him snoring. I strongly suggested that he might prefer to have his nap in his bedroom, but they all (including my DH) looked at me like Confused It's as if some older people can't comprehend that they should ever need to alter their behaviour/habits when in contact with others.