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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've had enough of my kids...

117 replies

LostTiredSad · 04/09/2016 18:46

I'm so tired I feel like crying. I try to think if it's just our family that is like this but I'll list out things they've done today and how I'm now at breaking point:

Dd1 (8) spilt Cheerios all over the kitchen floor and left it there for me to clear up. Didn't think that she should brush it up.

Ds (4) constantly hitting his little sister (2) and then running away or taking her things and holding them up high whilst she screams. Or crying for no apparent reason.

Dd2 threw a small toy into the toilet.

In between all of this, they are constantly doing things to make a mess in the house. I can't follow them around the house all the time, but the minute I'm doing something, there'll be paper all over the floor or today, ear buds all out of the pot and everywhere. They scream and make horrible animal type noises all the time. The moment I take them out ds will find something to cry or moan about. We haven't been to the park in 4 weeks because last time dd2 took out my cards from my purse and threw them under a tree which I had to go back and find. The time before that ds had a cry and moan because he had sand in his fucking shoes. He will ALWAYS find something to cry about.

I feel like we're a bunch of animals fresh out of the jungle. It's been like this all summer. I constantly shout. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to be nice to them. I'm always angry, and even they know this. I remember when I used to talk to them nicely but they have never listened to me. I feel like a dog barking all the time. I need to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostTiredSad · 04/09/2016 19:55

Yes we need to talk, except he's at work. I won't see him properly until Tuesday now as I'll go off to work as soon as he gets home tomorrow. He was talking about working late next Sunday too on the phone earlier which didn't help my stress levels at all. So i turned the phone off on him. He has to change it.

OP posts:
sopsmum · 04/09/2016 19:56

Your message resonated with me as I have 4 of similar ages and sometimes I could cry at the general disorder. They are like a pack and once one starts doing something ridiculous the rest follow suit! But you need to ask yourself if you are always angry because if you are I think you need to go and see your gp and get some help for your own sake.

Divide and conquer is, in my opinion, the only way with lots of little children. You need to try and get your 8 year old on side to help you. My eldest is 8 and I have realised she hates being treated like a baby but understandably as she is still a tiny little girl wants all of my attention. If she is behaving, (which flows from me) the rest follow suit or it just doesn't seem so bad as I have one that can communicate properly who is being nice to me.

You sound like you need a break though - and I really feel for you. You need to let your husband know how you are feeling because things like a packed lunch and sorting uniform shouldn't be taking over anyone's sunday!!!

sopsmum · 04/09/2016 19:57

Also agree with the others who say that you need to get out more. You might find your eldest is easier if he has a friend over.

Irelephant · 04/09/2016 19:59

All parents I know shout. We shout both neighbours shout neighbours two doors up shout It doesn't make you a bad Mam.

Bad parents don't tend to care that they're bad parents.

shinynewusername · 04/09/2016 19:59

You need some space - literally. Have a "no kids in the master bedroom unless an adult is there" rule and be strict about it. Put a lock on the door if necessary (only to keep them out where you are not there, not to stop cuddles in the morning Smile). That way, you always have one room in the house that is tidy and not crud-infested or mysteriously sticky (I sometimes think children must leave slime trails like slugs Wink).

Original poster
LostTiredSad · 04/09/2016 20:00

Thanks for all your kind comments. They've cheered me up.

Does anyone else recommend any parenting books to stop shouting? I'm going to take a look at that super nanny book. I don't know how my mum did it with us. She only ever shouted if we'd done something really bad like broken something. My dad was always mellow but we never disobeyed him and loved him dearly and respected him. I wish I was like that with my kids.

OP posts:
Sillybillybonker · 04/09/2016 20:03

Bringing up kids is damn hard. They do sound a handful. Have you considered whether any of them have special needs? I have one with mild ASD and believe me, life has been VVV hard! Have a read of this for some tips. If it doesn't work, then you will have to reassess the situation.

Don't listen to anyone criticising you on this forum. They don't have a clue about what you are going through or a clue about your family. Good luck!
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1892222043/?tag=googhydr-21&hvadid=32592304505&hvpos=1t1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4649836863261945307&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046620&hvtargid=kwd-5183748739&ref=pd_sl_9fxwb146g5_b

Claramarion · 04/09/2016 20:03

I know it sound silly but I remember wearing at one phase
An elastic band and twanging myself before I responded
Some times just this can help and calm you or try counting back from ten (back as you need to think about it). It helped
Me... God I used to hate tea
Times....

Sadik · 04/09/2016 20:06

Firstly, you're not a bad mother! I think some people find little ones easier, then struggle as they grow up, others (me!) find it gets so much more rewarding as they get older. I absolutely wouldn't turn back the clock 10 years to having a 4 year old, regardless of the challenges of parenting teenagers.

If you find books helpful, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" is very good at ways of getting messages across without shouting, it was my bible for years.

Original poster
LostTiredSad · 04/09/2016 20:07

No, no special needs. School and nursery are happy with how they're developing. And dd2 had a good 2 year development check.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 04/09/2016 20:10

Also remember lots washes over kids at this age. You might feel they only see you as angry but that might not be theyr reality.

I agree outsource cleaning and ironing if at all remotely possible and pick battles.

Sadik · 04/09/2016 20:10

Also - for teens I swear by Charlie Taylor's Divas and Doorslammers - he does a book for younger kids Divas and Dictators.

I really like his 6:1 strategy - you have to try your very best to say 6 positive things to each child for every negative one, it works very well to change the whole dynamic (even if you're really scraping the barrel at the start for positive things to say).

sopsmum · 04/09/2016 20:16

Hang in there op, it will be ok.

cariboo · 04/09/2016 20:18

I've felt like this (when mine were this age) and I only have two! If you're feeling like this constantly, every day, then you need a break somehow. Even a day would help you get your bearings, I would hope.

Children (and babies, too) are like sponges. They soak up our moods and feelings, which is great when we're feeling good but disaster if we're not. So constant negative thoughts are certainly causing your dc to act out, as they probably feel insecure and worried by an unhappy mum.

MammouthTask · 04/09/2016 20:19

In no particular order.

How to talk to children a sanity saver for me (and unlike reward chart etc... It did work with my dcs)

Time for yourself to recharge your own batteries. You need it, looking after 3 dcs that young is exhausting. You clearly need a break band time for yourself during the week too (whatever you fancy for one hour each week)

GP if you can't find a way to stay calm and are shouty all the time

Chat with your DP regarding sharing childcare and how changing his shifts like this might feel great for him but is making it extremely hard work for you. Also reviewing HW, who is getting up, responsibility for the dcs etc...
IMO that should also include. Way for yu to spend a bit of time with each child on his own, reading a story or whatever but nice quality time so you can remember the 'nice' stuff too, not just the hard work side of things.

Having a routine to keep the dcs active. In my experience, there is nothing worse than a child that age who hasn't run around outside and is getting bored. That's when ones got to mischief every single time.

NotSayingImBatman · 04/09/2016 20:27

I have 4 and 2yo DSs and they can be horrid little beasts at times. Like yours, my 4yo cries/whines fairly regularly and the 2yo can usually be found climbing the curtains/trying to drown one of the cats in the toilet. They also compete to see who can do the loudest ear splitting shriek, which is nice.

Honestly OP, you're doing okay. Four and two is, I think, just a shitty combination, but they'll be 3 and 5 soon enough. Here's hoping that's a bit less "challenging", eh?

Asahai · 04/09/2016 20:29

'Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings' by Dr Laura Markam has saved my kids from me being a shouty crazed mother! I got it on audio in iBooks & haven't even finished it - just listening in bits when I get the chance, but as soon as I started using the techniques it transformed the endless fights to them being loved up toward me & each other much more. The fights still start but it all ends well. It's helping my ASD boy with seriously challenging behaviour a lot. This one is all about siblings but she keeps referring to the general parenting one she wrote 'Peaceful parents, Happy kids'.

cariboo · 04/09/2016 20:30

How long have you been feeling this way, Lost?

TribbleTrouble · 04/09/2016 20:32

What's all this making memories malarkey about? So every activity the OP plans must be a pinterest or Instagram worthy and framed in her children's mind forevermore? Give me a break, yes there are times when I would love to go back to when my two were babies and just love on them for a bit.

But when you're in the thick of it, it's jolly well hard and tough. We all have bad days, it doesn't make you a bad parent, it just makes you an ordinary one. Give yourself a break OP, take a step back and go back to brass tacks with things such as reward charts and consequences and build from there.

Just remember you can only do your best, no one can expect anymore than that can they.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/09/2016 20:32

Sorry OP
Thanks to God the little fuckers go back tomorrow (JOKE)

I do think your state of Mind (I mean in general ) is an issue - did not scream or bellow at my kids o holiday and today fresh back in the UK so tired , stressed and lost my shit at them

Try and read advice and do whatever you can to relax , and de stress Flowers easy to say I know

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/09/2016 20:34

And Also well done for being so honest

I had such a lovely time when away and was back to bitch tired mum today Sad

Original poster
LostTiredSad · 04/09/2016 20:46

Thank you for all your suggestions of books and comments. I'm looking at each one on Amazon and will decide which one to download onto kindle.

I'm thinking new term, new me.

cariboo I can honestly say I go through peaks and troughs and it coincides with weekends when I know dh won't be there and school holidays. Today's antics just completely broke me and I'm so thankful 2 of them are off to school.

I know when we took them to the safari and beach and other places they were complete Angels. But facing taking them out to town or the park alone fills me with dread. Then they must get bored at home...stupid me.

OP posts:
cariboo · 04/09/2016 21:00

When DD was tiny, and I was out of my mind (or so it felt) with sleep deprivation, sore boobs, etc, I remember my mum saying to me one evening, "And just think, tomorrow it all starts again!" in a cheery voice. It became a joke after a few years between us and I still think of it when I'm tired, exasperated, fed-up and want to just walk run away.

MaybeWine? Cake? Chocolate? All of them?

AppleAndBlackberry · 04/09/2016 21:03

Mine were so awful this summer that I dug out my old copy of 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting', which is my favourite parenting book (I have read tonnes). This last week has actually been calmer as a result.

Audreyhelp · 04/09/2016 21:09

I know lots of mums that are glad they children are going back to school.
Pick your arguments ignore the small things . I am sure you are a great mum .