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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd always wanting cash to go on outings

47 replies

Gingerlilly · 04/09/2016 11:26

My dd is 15 and has a friend who must be a lot richer than we are. The friends mother invites my dd along to festivals, theme parks, water parks, cinema etc anything they want to do and she'll agree to drive them. It's non stop. Only trouble is they all cost a fortune and I do not expect her to pay for my dd. This however cause so many arguments for me as dd then needs the money to go along, I'm talking any thing from £15 - 60 every time. Dd works a part time job so does pay for herself sometimes but then all her wages are gone and she is always asking me for an advance and she never has any money to get anything else. We are trying to teach her how to budget but she just wants to go to all these places. I can't think of any way of asking the other Mum to stop as obviously its her choice where they go but her dd won't go unless mine goes along to. It is really whizzing me off.

OP posts:
Fizzer123 · 04/09/2016 11:30

Ouch, that's tough. Maybe say at the start of the month this is the amount of money I can afford to give you, this is the amount of your earnings, you spend xxx on make up, xxx on clothes (or whatever) and make her allocate a sum left over so she has to take responsibility for deciding if she can afford to go?

SouthWestmom · 04/09/2016 11:30

Can you give her an allowance? Mine has rich friends but tbh by that age they are mainly doing cinema and hanging round town. We give her £50 a month and pay her phone contract.
If she starts saying no, friend will have to lower her expectations

Rockpebblestone · 04/09/2016 11:33

I would set a budget aside for your daughter and if she goes over, she will just have to decline the invitation. She can explain this is the reason and she would be happy to do something cheaper. Or if you are in regular contact with the mother arranging these outings, the next time she arranges one just explain you are having to set a budget.

celeryisnotasuperfood · 04/09/2016 11:36

I agree that you need to help her learn by setting out what you can afford for a period and spending time with her to understand what it means when added to her wages. Once it's gone you must not cave in and give her more or an advance on the next period. She needs to learn to say no herself to her friend and that there is no shame on saying she has exhausted her budget and won't be able to do it till whenever...

Philoslothy · 04/09/2016 11:38

This is the reason why I would never invite a child on a day out if I wasn't willing to pay for them.

wobblywonderwoman · 04/09/2016 11:41

I would just tell her you cannot afford it.

End of story. Allow a 20 pound or whatever and I wouldnt let her go. If you let her go the other mother might feel guilty.

The reality is we aren't all equally as well off. Other than that she needs to pick up a babysitting job or similar.

BarbarianMum · 04/09/2016 11:43

Give her a monthly allowance and leave her to it. Tell her to get a Saturday job or advertise as a baby sitter if she says its not enough.

Original poster
Gingerlilly · 04/09/2016 11:49

She also gets £10 a week pocket money But not if she doesnt do her chores which is pretty much most weeks. The annoying thing is she had the money at the beginning of this week for an expensive trip - knew the trip was coming up but ended up doing other excursions to the cinema, buying make up etc and now has no money again! Its exasperating, i feel the other Mum is always juding me because we dont go out to exciting places all the time.

OP posts:
RunningLulu · 04/09/2016 11:49

My 14 year old dd gets a strict monthly allowance & if she goes over it, then I'll only pay for essentials like sanitary products and bare school essentials. Budgeting and managing money is something they have to learn at this age, otherwise they'll start uni/work unprepared for life.

specialsubject · 04/09/2016 11:54

so she's spent all her money and run out? That's ok. You are still feeding, clothing, sheltering her. She just gets a gentle lesson that money doesn't go on trees by not going on the trip.

have a word with the other mum explaining you can't afford all this. Her attitude is irrelevant as it doesn't change your income.

acasualobserver · 04/09/2016 11:58

"I'm sorry but we can't afford it." Repeat as required.

allegretto · 04/09/2016 11:59

To be brutal, you are not really teaching her how to budget if she doesn't do her chores to earn it, spends all her money - and then you give her some more! I think you need to set some stricter limits and explain to her that you won't budge.

TikTakTok · 04/09/2016 12:00

Why would you think the other mother is judging youConfused and why would you care even if she was.

Your DD Is 15 so I'm sure she understands that she can't always do what she wants. You just need to say yes or no as you wish. There is no need for it to be anymore complicated than that.

Arfarfanarf · 04/09/2016 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2016 12:06

Unless I'm missing something this seems to be more about your I ability to say no to your DD with money than anything else. We can't afford everything we want as a family so why would it be any different for a teenager?
And what difference does it make what your DDs friends Mum thinks? Are you trying yo keep up with her Confused

Original poster
Gingerlilly · 04/09/2016 12:14

I do need to be stricter, she is running rings around me.😧 Good advice all round x

OP posts:
VioletBam · 04/09/2016 12:16

Don't worry about what the other Mum thinks!

It's no good doing that...your DD has the perfect opportunity to learn that if you want nice things, then you need to earn nice money.

Perhaps talk to her about how she can up her own income. Selling things on Facebook or Ebay perhaps.

eddielizzard · 04/09/2016 12:20

i think you're doing the right thing - only thing is you're not sticking to it! who gives a fuck what the other mum thinks? i don't think too well of her expecting you to stump up for this stuff tbh!

FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sophiestew · 04/09/2016 12:22

I know it's hard, honestly I do. However, you do need to be able to just say "No," and to mean it.

The other girls mother cannot be so stupid that she cannot grasp that other parents may not have the same level of disposable income as she does?

When you cannot afford something just tell DD, sorry, no, can't afford that this week. Don't get embroiled in a "Well you could afford to get your roots done/have a takeaway last night" type conversation. It's your money and you get to decide what you spend it on. Flowers

Katedotness1963 · 04/09/2016 14:02

My son used to blow through his cash till we put him on a monthly allowance and told him when it was gone that was it. First month it was gone in the first few days. He had to sit at home or go out with out money. Second month he was a lot better, from then on he's always carried money over from month to month. We pay it into his bank account so the cash isn't burning a hole in his pocket.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/09/2016 14:40

Even my 7yo understands that when the money runs out on her GoHenry card she's out of luck. She's always checking the balance and checks she has enough.

She has her money, she decides how to spend it. When it runs out, tough luck. She will get it if you let her make some mistakes and learn from them. Otherwise she does no chores, spends her wages on stuff and still gets money off you for nice trips out.

daisychicken · 04/09/2016 14:58

So what IS a reasonable amount for a 14-15 year old to have as pocket money?

We are having similar issues as OP and we have had to say 'no, we haven't got the money this month' etc but it doesn't stop the requests! DS (14) gets £20/month - this is his to spend as he pleases, we buy clothes, food, school expenses etc but £20 doesn't go very far. We don't know what is reasonable amount to be giving ds and expect him to budget for what he wants (computer bits/snack food etc) and going out. Jobs round here for a 14 year old are scarce, most jobs seem to be for age 16+

ginorwine · 04/09/2016 15:09

Don't worry what the other mum may think
There is no point getting in money problems re this
We were in the pony world at one point and spending increased and a increased and really got out of control - it crept up on us and we felt anxious quite a bit about what next .
So take control .
The other parent may have endless cash and no idea about other folks lives .

FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.