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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd always wanting cash to go on outings

47 replies

Gingerlilly · 04/09/2016 11:26

My dd is 15 and has a friend who must be a lot richer than we are. The friends mother invites my dd along to festivals, theme parks, water parks, cinema etc anything they want to do and she'll agree to drive them. It's non stop. Only trouble is they all cost a fortune and I do not expect her to pay for my dd. This however cause so many arguments for me as dd then needs the money to go along, I'm talking any thing from £15 - 60 every time. Dd works a part time job so does pay for herself sometimes but then all her wages are gone and she is always asking me for an advance and she never has any money to get anything else. We are trying to teach her how to budget but she just wants to go to all these places. I can't think of any way of asking the other Mum to stop as obviously its her choice where they go but her dd won't go unless mine goes along to. It is really whizzing me off.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 04/09/2016 15:26

This is such a useful lesson in life - even in my 50s I have to say to friends who invite me to something which is out my budget 'thanks, but I just can't afford it'. That's life - everyone has friends who have more money or less money than them. I am not embarrassed about it (guess that comes with age).
I have a teenage DS - we give him £15 a month (and pay for his mobile) - he learns to save money from Christmas and birthdays for any 'extras' he wants, he is pretty frugal though and would rather save than spend .

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/09/2016 15:26

Your daughter could earn her pocket-money by doing her chores but decides not to. But then has her hand out for additional sums? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You're being played by an expert!

Set aside a monthly sum which YOU decide is reasonable and not a penny more, and that's only if she also does her chores.

At the moment for her money really is virtually growing on trees. She'll never learn financial responsibility as long as your wallet is always open upon request. The other parent has nothing to do with anything.

PikachuSayBoo · 04/09/2016 15:32

My 15yo dd gets £40 a month allowance.
I pay her phone on top of that and also pay for her eyebrows to be threaded as needed and haircuts.

I expect to pay for Saturday excursions into town with her friends out of that. Every now and then we will have a shopping trip together where I buy her a load of clothes and some makeup. I expect her to buy anything extra which she wants inbetween.

Ragwort · 04/09/2016 19:25

Don't let my 15 year old know how much you give your DD Pikachu - he manages on £15 a month, and saves most of it . I rarely buy him clothes - maybe a couple of pairs of trousers and t-shirts a year, the rest he buys himself.

Dogcatred · 04/09/2016 19:46

It is difficult. You just have to tell them.

I always make sure my boys quietly find out if they have a friend who cannot afford the cinema and we offer to pay instead or the other way round - if something is too expensive then mine just can't go.

I think once they are all back at school it will stop due to weekend homework and it has just been worse because it's been the summer holidays (although not for me - I've worked full time most of the summer just about).

junebirthdaygirl · 04/09/2016 20:02

Even parents who can afford lots of outings try to teach their dc to budget as it's a useful life lesson. I have found that some of my dcs friends from well off families have a very limited budget as theyre not in the business of handing out money willy-nilly. So don't be ashamed of saying no! Its very mean of that dm bringing them everywhere and not giving thought to your circumstances. But maybe she is under pressure from her dd so no farm to bring it up saying your dd has a limited allowance. You are not even saying that is all you have you are saying that is all you are prepared to spend every month.

pleasemothermay1 · 04/09/2016 20:35

We solved this issue by telling our son bank of mum of dad is shout from 16 onwards and he need to get a jeffing job

At first he thought we were bluffing so he was still arranging days out with mates they came and went then there were slammed doors even tears and then on staurday after a summer of telling us he refuses to look for work on staurday he started his first day in tesco

You have to hold firm this is a good life lesson for her her friends parents are loaded and spoil her your not so she can't do as many things that involve money the end

Dogcatred · 05/09/2016 07:13

MNeals out is the thing which annoys me - I hardly ever eat out as it's expensive and I include sandwich bars, cafes in that too. Yet just about all their friends at school seem to eat meals at places like Pizza express and osme of their friends have very well off parents or parents who choose to spend money now rather than save it. I prefer to save it to help the children with university and buying a property which I think are more important. On the other hand fitting in with your friends, having a social life etc is certainly important for children. The friend who likes to take my son on 60 minutes of walking all across the local area and through parks is a good one - they don't spend a single penny.

MidniteScribbler · 05/09/2016 07:27

There's this word you can use. Not everyone seems to know it. It's called "no". Try it sometime.

atticusclaw2 · 05/09/2016 07:29

We've recently got a GoHenry card like a pp. Whatever is on the card is there to be spent/saved but once it has gone it has gone.

FlyingElbows · 05/09/2016 07:32

To coin a phrase from the 80s, "Just Say NO!".

rollonthesummer · 05/09/2016 07:35

I'm a bit of a softy with my kids and would usually give them money to go out, BUT they do jobs they're asked to and they don't take the p.

This isn't about you not affording it, it's about her not budgeting and not being arsed to do the jobs you've asked her to do. Time for a family discussion!!

phillipp · 05/09/2016 07:38

I can't think of any way of asking the other Mum to stop as obviously its her choice where they go but her dd won't go unless mine goes along to.

I may have missed someone saying this already, but I would say you don't need to tell the mother anything. As op said, set a budget and stick to it. If she has spent it all...tough.

If her friend won't go if your Dd won't go. Tough. Stop worrying about what the friends mother thinks.

Catsick36 · 05/09/2016 07:38

If she can't pay for herself she can't go. Simples.

runslikethewind · 05/09/2016 07:46

As hard as it may be for you, she is working pt and earning her money to spend as she likes, she needs to learn now and realise if she over spends she runs out, simples. If you don't start saying no now it will only get harder to put your foot down.
It won't be easy people,especially teenagers don't like being told no, but that doesn't mean she's right and your wrong, she just won't like it.

Lovefromhull · 05/09/2016 07:52

It's the end of the holidays now- which should make a difference?

Peonie7654 · 05/09/2016 07:58

We force our children to budget, we can afford anything they want but we don't give it to them.

Set her budget and stick to it. If she doesn't do her chores she does without.

I would explain to the mum that at 15 she is in control of her own cash and needs to budget accordingly. Just keep stressing that you are giving her life lessons.

deathtoheadlice · 05/09/2016 08:01

But if the other dd won't go without yours, won't the other mother just pay for your dd if they have that much spare cash? You may have to say something to her if you don't want that to happen. I guess you could try it and see, then say something if necessary.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 05/09/2016 08:22

I really don't understand the posters saying the other mum is mean or rude etc. It's not her job to decide if the OP can afford it or not, nor is it her responsibility to stop asking the OP's DD if she wants to go, nor curtail her DD's activities. If her DD wants to go somewhere & she has no problem with that, that's their business!

If the OP's DD says she can't afford to do X, the girls will work it out between themselves, either the other girl will invite another friend, or the girls will spend time together doing something else that's free/cheaper.

Gingerlilly. No need to contact the other mother, the girls can sort this out between them.

If it were me I'd give DD X amount of money per month, on the 1st of the month provided she has EARNT all her pocket money the previous month doing her chores. I'd be clear about what I expected her to pay out of that & what I'd pay for on top of that. Plus I'd remind her that it pays to keep some back incase of surprise opportunities/invites.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 05/09/2016 08:25

I wouldn't have any problem with the other mother paying if that's what she chooses to do. If her DD wants to do something & wants to do it with someone who can't afford to do it & she's happy to pay for both girls then why not? I'd have no problem doing that if I could afford it & I wanted to do it so my DD had a nice time.

maninawomansworld01 · 05/09/2016 22:46

Make your DD earn it.
Obviously you can't pay her money you don't have but if you can find her things to do at home in exchange for a few odd jobs then she will have the ability to decide for herself if she real,y what's to go badly enough to part with (say) £30 of her hard earned money.
If she decides no, then don't give her your money, if she won't pay out of hers then why should you?

Isetan · 06/09/2016 06:19

This would be one of those teaching moments. Do not talk to the Mother, your DD is old enough to understand 'no, we can't afford it', you are doing her and yourself no favours by acting like a cash machine. She could earn extra money but chooses not to because you just hand over the cash anyway.

Don't be embarrassed by having less disposable income than others by overcompensating by raising an entitlement spendthrift.

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