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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it just me?

130 replies

Onefourseventwofivenine · 04/09/2016 01:17

So, DD (9) has been asking to have her ears pierced since she was five. She finally wore me down and I said OK, but not until the beginning of the Christmas break. Since then, she hasn't stopped pushing to bring the date forward, pulling me into shops to look at earrings etc, she literally hasn't stopped. I get the excitement and all, but the stop button really needs to be pressed. So, tonight, I am going to my best friends party and DD is staying at her dads (a very rare occurrence). She is keeping the ear piercing a secret from him, because she is worried he might say no. I get increasingly hysterical texts from her about how her dad might look at her phone and she doesn't want him to in case he sees that she's getting her ears pierced. I then get texts from him, asking what she is sending to me. I give up, leave the party and go pick up my now hysterical nine-year-old from her dads. Apparently, they were watching a movie when she just started crying uncontrollably (she is a major drama queen). I wouldn't have gone but he sent a text saying 'What has she just texted you?' which made me think that he wasn't sitting there trying to calm her down, but had probably decamped to the garden and left her to get on with it. I know I'm not unreasonable to be pissed off with her (and no, she is now most definitely NOT getting her ears pierced) but AIBU to expect a grown man (her father) to deal with the situation? When I was leaving his house, he mouthed 'special' at me. DD does not have special needs; she simply has a tendency to overthink things. Her behaviour tonight was inexcusable, but she knows that.

OP posts:

wayway13 · 04/09/2016 09:09

I haven't read the whole thread. Your DD sounds like my niece (10) and my DH (and my DD(2) from the looks of it). It's a family trait in his side. They're all very clever and sensitive and overthink things so can worked up easily. I find it quite endearing. I don't think there's a thing wrong with her as some have suggested.

Back to the point in question, I agree with others that the secrecy is causing the problem. I know you are planning on talking to her dad about it so better sooner rather than later from the sounds if it so your DD can relax.

My sister had her ears pierced at 9 which meant I was allowed to have mine done at 6. We were both old enough to understand keeping them clean etc. so I don't see it as a big deal.

selsigfach · 04/09/2016 09:11

I joined mumsnet after not being able to cope after years of infertility and miscarriage. If some uppity cow had suggested then that only those with functioning ovaries had suggested I had no right to be here I'd have cried.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2016 09:12

However, I still feel that someone with no RL experience of a situation isn't best placed to offer perspective though.

And yet the two self proclaimed non-parents have agreed with pretty much every other poster.

How odd.

toastymarshmallow · 04/09/2016 09:18

Well this thread didn't go how I thought it would.

RestlessTraveller · 04/09/2016 09:40

Right. Qualifications for posting here. I have no children but I am a child protection social worker. Is that ok?

As a child protection social worker I can say that encouraging your child to keep secrets from her parents is a very bad idea. She'll remember that when (god forbid!!!) an abuser tells her that "it's their secret".

RhiWrites · 04/09/2016 09:47

totallyspies I don't think I'm naive or judgey. I am an aunt to 7 kids and I don't give parenting advice unsolicited ever. But sometimes things I think or guess turn out to be true. There are times when a bit of distance helps.

I suppose if people only want comments from parents they can say "parents only please" but I don't see that going down very well.

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/09/2016 09:51

I don't think being a parent makes you any better qualified to answer questions on here. Every parent I know is just winging it and flying by the seat of their pants. None of them has the answers.

Blueshoessingloose · 04/09/2016 10:02

Why didn't you explain to your ex that your dd really wanted to get her ears pierced now and try to come to an agreement with him before telling her she could do it behind his back? She's obviously upset at having to carry this secret around and worried about his reaction when she turns up with her ears pierced. Why would you do that to her? Grow up.

RestlessTraveller · 04/09/2016 10:07

I don't think the OP is coming back.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 10:12

However, I still feel that someone with no RL experience of a situation isn't best placed to offer perspective though.

Totally disagree. You don't have to be a parent to know that kids are all different and you handle each one differently. You don't have to be a parent to know you don't tell a child to lie to their parents.

I am a parent of 2. One older than the OPs Dd and who sounds quite similar. However, I have only had two children. I only have experienced or raising my two who will be infinitely different to all other kids. Being a parents doesn't make you a fountain of knowledge either.

In which case, non of us should comment on anything.

Original poster

Onefourseventwofivenine · 04/09/2016 10:13

Please accept my apologies for upsetting anyone last night. I was feeling very raw and hard done by, but, having re-read this thread this morning, I can see that there is a lot of good advice offered, and I was just caught up in my own drama and came across as rude and ungrateful. I apologise unreservedly to anyone I offended, and I do appreciate the responses to my post on here. I am wrong in asking DD not to tell her Dad about the ear piercing. He is very much a part-time parent, yet also manages to be incredibly judgey, so I am always on the defensive about how I parent DD. She is lovely, but very persistent and prone to drama when she wants something, and I can see that I have bought into the drama here, rather than deflecting it, and allowed it to become a massive thing. I am completely at fault, and this is a lesson learnt.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 04/09/2016 10:14

Well done for coming back, OP :)

DeadGood · 04/09/2016 10:20

Nice update OP x

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 10:21

That's a fine apology, op. And well done for having second thoughts and taking responsibility. Like you said, lesson learned. And remember, this too shall pass

FurryDogMother · 04/09/2016 10:24

Wow - that was impressive OP - you sound quite lovely after all :)

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/09/2016 10:26

That's a nice apology, OP. Hope you - and DD - feel better this morning.

Original poster

Onefourseventwofivenine · 04/09/2016 10:29

I have just explained the situation to her Dad, who, rightly, texted this morning to ask what the hell is going on. Reading all the responses on here made me realise that I have handled this situation very badly, and allowed myself to get into a paddy about how unfair it is being a single parent and dealing with all the crap that entails with no support on a day to day basis. It's been a long summer holiday.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 04/09/2016 10:31

Well done for apologising - you don't need children to be qualified to give sensible advice, nor does having them mean you know how to give it. Think of the huge quantities of useless people who do have children - it's not a qualification!

Your daughter's meltdown was a consequence of you asking her to tell lies and keep secrets, not the ear piercing so I suggest you apologise to her for getting so angry last night, and suggest that you talk to daddy together about getting her ears pierced over the summer, so they have enough time to heal before she goes back to school.

FeralBeryl · 04/09/2016 10:37

Well good on you OP!
Some of the best advice I've seen on here over the years has been offered by people with no children.

eddiemairswife · 04/09/2016 10:43

If you had phoned her dad when he texted you, and explained the situation you could have stayed at the party. Texts are very useful, but sometimes a proper conversation is needed.

RestlessTraveller · 04/09/2016 10:48

Hurrah! A happy ending!

Whereismumhiding2 · 04/09/2016 10:54

Ah, OP that's what mumsnet is for. To help you think things through ... As all us parents are winging it..

If it helps, I have a couple 'stroppy' kids who badger & can bring on waterworks & anger, when they get fixated on something. They are top of class & bright little things, not special needs! . Sometimes 'prone to dramatics' just runs in the family ... God knows my DC's dad (XH) is prone to same!

I asked my friends their views about ear piercing (my DD is already secondary school aged) to get a normative feel for what age/when, and "Just before Summer holidays to give chance to heal for PE sports" (teachers hate the extra time taken to deal with earrings for PE, when they have 30 children, in primary school) and "secondary school aged" was majority view but parents differed and each had good points. The key was, when you feel DC is ready to manage the responsibility of them, as it's easy to get infections if not looked after well.

I see you've realised how you unitentionally fed DD's meltdown reaction with the 'keep it a secret' thing, I am glad you've taken steps to resolve it. Good luck xxx

AlpacaLypse · 04/09/2016 10:59

Kudos OP, not many would have come back after the pasting you picked up!

SideEye · 04/09/2016 11:06

You are ridiculous. You made a decision with her father so your response should have been "no" and then if you felt it could be brought forward a bit then you ring her dad and talk to him about it and then present your united decision.

Telling her Christmas is ok but keep it a secret from dad undermines him totally and tells her that decisions that are made are negotiable and don't involve her dad.

She's being silly and drama queenish about it, but that's your own doing. It didn't have to be that way and you are reaping what you sowed.

SideEye · 04/09/2016 11:07

Just read you resolved it. Phew.

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