Is it just me?

[Onefourseventwofivenine]

So, DD (9) has been asking to have her ears pierced since she was five. She finally wore me down and I said OK, but not until the beginning of the Christmas break. Since then, she hasn't stopped pushing to bring the date forward, pulling me into shops to look at earrings etc, she literally hasn't stopped. I get the excitement and all, but the stop button really needs to be pressed. So, tonight, I am going to my best friends party and DD is staying at her dads (a very rare occurrence). She is keeping the ear piercing a secret from him, because she is worried he might say no. I get increasingly hysterical texts from her about how her dad might look at her phone and she doesn't want him to in case he sees that she's getting her ears pierced. I then get texts from him, asking what she is sending to me. I give up, leave the party and go pick up my now hysterical nine-year-old from her dads. Apparently, they were watching a movie when she just started crying uncontrollably (she is a major drama queen). I wouldn't have gone but he sent a text saying 'What has she just texted you?' which made me think that he wasn't sitting there trying to calm her down, but had probably decamped to the garden and left her to get on with it. I know I'm not unreasonable to be pissed off with her (and no, she is now most definitely NOT getting her ears pierced) but AIBU to expect a grown man (her father) to deal with the situation? When I was leaving his house, he mouthed 'special' at me. DD does not have special needs; she simply has a tendency to overthink things. Her behaviour tonight was inexcusable, but she knows that.

You shouldn't have told her to keep it secret from her father - YABU. That is a huge weight to place on a young child's shoulders. If he sees her regularly and will have to help clean them/ deal with any issues that occur with them, you should make a joint decision on when she is capable of having it done.

Oh - sorry, I misunderstood why you posted. I didn't realise that you were only interested in replies judging your Ex's parenting and that your own parenting was out of bounds.

You have put a huge amount of pressure on a 9 year old, who you admit is a major drama queen, by telling her she can have this much longed-for experience - but not for 4 months! - and telling her to keep it a secret from her father. If you told her she could have it done, you needed to speak to him as soon as possible about it, and certainly before she stayed over at his house. I don't really see what the delay was about - do you need to have a big formal meeting about things like this? Yes, he probably isn't going to be happy but finding out that you have delayed and made a drama out of the telling isn't going to help matters much.

Also, why make her wait until Christmas? If she keeps up with this level of persistence, she is going to have driven you mad by then! I appreciate the beginning of school term is not a good time to pierce ears but if she's going to have it done, why not during the summer holidays?

And don't now tell her she can't have it done now. You have created this situation and now she is getting punished for it?!

Sounds to me like you fed into the drama that necessitated you picking her up. Is this a pattern OP?

Sounds like Aspergers with anxiety to me. If this behaviour gets worse you should seek some professional help. But what do I know I've only raised stepchildren and foster children.

Maybe all you judgy arseholes should get a life

To be fair, I think it's only really been me who has been a judgy arsehole. Everyone else has been more than polite. Maybe you should qualify your posts with a sentence along the lines of 'responses only wanted from parents who agree with me'.

What a mess OP.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be pissed off with her (and no, she is now most definitely NOT getting her ears pierced)

Actually I think you ARE being unreasonable to be pissed off with her.

'If you don't have children of your own, why are you on Mumsnet?'

You know what, OneFour. Fuck you. I was going to offer advice based on personal experience, but I'm just an idiot who doesn't have children of my own and shouldn't be here. As to why I'm here? When I was pregnant the first time I found MN. Then I stayed, luckily, as the wonderful posters here helped me through my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th MCs.

Could you try not being an unpleasant twat?

Firstly (to establish my qualification to post) I have an 8 yo DD.

Of course 9 yo's can understand and feel empathy. That's quite an odd thing to say.

Caving in (on anything) is a baaaddd idea. You have now set a precedent for mithering that will last forever.

Children shouldn't be asked to keep secrets from their parents. Never ever. What were you thinking? You should have said "I'll discuss it with your Dad".

Why, when you reached your ex's house did you not all sit down together and discuss why she was upset? Why take her home?

It's just ear piercing, her life will not be over if she doesn't have holes in her ears.

Firstly I will say this. You chose to post on a public forum. People are not always going to agree with you. That's life. No need for the behaviour you have exhibited.

Do you wonder why your daughter acted the way she did? You told her to keep something from her father. Do you know how that affects a child? I do. My parents did that to me after they divorced and it can cause a whole lot of anxiety and confusion. I am not surprised your daughter acted that way.

was it really necessary to pick her up? To engage in a text exchange to feed the drama? It seems to me like you wanted that excuse to get one over on your ex.

You say you are not being unreasonable by being angry at her and now telling her she cannot have her ears pierced. You are being very unreasonable. Who is the adult and who is the child here?

If you do not want people's opinions then do not post on a public forum. It is that simple.

From my own, personal experience. Have you considered why DD is so worked up about having her ears pierced? I ask because the new term is upon us and I wonder if, perhaps, it is the new cool thing done by the more popular girls? I remember working myself into quite a state that my best friend had got the latest, on trend, hairstyle (that I wasn't able to have) and was socially more accepted than I was and therefore meant I was 'left behind'. I agree that the secret keeping probably paid a part in the dramatics but perhaps there is also another underlying reason why DD is quite so frantic about making the ear piercing a reality sooner rather than later.

So you managed to get her so worried about her dad knowing about getting her ears pierced, and that she had to keep it a secret, that (a kid who you readily admit has a tendency to overthink things) she got hysterical and started sending secret furtive texts, terrified that her dad would find, necessitating you to have to go and pick her up?

At any point did you consider picking up the phone and saying 'hey x, sorry she's upset. I decided she could get her ears pierced at Christmas and she is terrified of your reaction. I fucked up. Can you reassure her it's ok?'

Or even - at any point after making that decision 'hey x, I think y is mature enough to deal with having her ears pierced now - I know we said 12, but what do you think?'

Poor kid. Poor 9yo kid. Having to keep secrets from her parents. If you had done that to me as the second parent I would have assumed you were shit stirring and trying to buy her affection at my expense.

And incidentally, my 12yo with special needs has a higher iq than her paediatrician and taught herself to read at 2. I have no idea in which shit parenting manual you read that academically above average kids couldn't have additional needs, but I've got a nice grip you can borrow if you like. My 12yo has enormous issues controlling her emotions in heightened situations - like issues the size of a freaking house - she will 'over-react' and her behaviour wil seem enormously disproportionate. This is actually reasonably common in gifted kids as emotional sensitivity can go hand in hand with intelligence. (Not an issue for either you or your husband, but you can both Google, I assume?)

Your parenting is the problem. Not your dd's behaviour. And while your ex sounds like he is about 12 himself (how fucking offensive to mouth 'special') the pair of you need to grow up and stop putting your sensitive 9yo in positions where she is forced to play you off one against the other.

She's 9. And you are the adults.

Onefourseventwofivenine - We may not all have children but we have all been children! We bring insights from many places.

It sounds partly like you are upset your evening got ruined (totally understandable) but please don't take it out on your dd.

I have a dd aged 11 (who doesn't want her ears pieced) and a son of 6.

This is not what you asked but IMHO you should let your dd have her ears pierced. You should not expect her to wait until 12 or even until Christmas. Lots of girls (and some boys) want this done and it is very acceptable now for all ages.

When I was a child, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, it was not so common but I had one friend who had her ears pierced and I so wanted mine done too! I was 10 and I was desperate to get my ears pierced.

My (rather old-fashioned) parents made me wait until I was 16. And then they only gave in because they caught me smoking and I said I would stop (I had my ears pierced and carried on smoking - which was utterly stupid of me but there you go!)

Fast forward 35 years, I've still got pierced ears and I don't smoke (thank the Lord).

Anyway Onefourseventwofivenine having established my 'credentials' on the topic, here is my advice. In your shoes I would look out for anxiety areas and address them if and when they come up. So start with t this one. One possibly good book is ...

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety

I've not used that one but have used 'What to Do When Your Temper Flares', from same series, with my dd who has some autistic tendencies. My dd does struggle at school (she is dyslexic) but as pontificationcentral points out some children who have some additional needs may also be very bright at school, e.g. my adopted son is very bright at school but very emotional.

Please do not punish your dd for this, (for her) very upsetting night, by not allowing her to have her ears pierced.

Please do not encourage her to keep things from her dad. Or say things in a way that makes it sound like that.

Beware of hormones at 9, and as digitalpaintartist says "Have you considered why DD is so worked up about having her ears pierced?" Fitting in is very important for kids at school. Ask her about this, I am sure you have asked her, have you heard how she feels?

Please model for your dd how to decrease anxiety and deal with issues related to it. Whether this is a one-off or part of a pattern, please deal with this issue and do not get too 'het up' about the involvement of your ex or the ear piercing issue. Just deal with the anxiety and help your dd through it.

Your ex sounds kind of special himself, but not in a good way! Can you work together to decrease her anxiety. EH she desperately wants her ears pierced and thinks dad will disprove. Can you work together on this?

And changing one's mind is not always 'caving in' sometimes it is 'reevaluating' a decision, and this is valid too.

Good luck, I really mean that. Parenting is so hard and we need all the encouragements we can get so take this as the fact you've worked out she does have some anxieties but you can all move forward to address them.

I have a child, with special needs. But like these childless idiots my experience comes from other areas. My DB was just like this and is on the spectrum.

Also NEVER teach children to keep secrets from parents. The message is 'surprises are fine, secrets; tell mummy and daddy'.

I have a child but she's not two yet.

Am I allowed a say?

Is my opinion worth more than someone who hasn't got children but who has heard their friend or family talk about this kind of situation?

I think you shouldn't have caved, but having done so, should have told your ex, not expected your child to keep it a secret, not continued to keep it a secret when it became a problem for your DD with her dad, and not considered it to be her fault that needs punishment by witholding the thing she desperately wanted.

YABU to be pissed off with her.
YANBU to be disappointed you didn't get to enjoy your party.
YANBU to expect a father to be able to comfort his daughter, whether he's out of his comfort zone or not.

I caved and said OK, she could have them done at the Christmas break, but don't tell Daddy (until I could have that conversation with him), I think that might have caused the tension.

So you know your Dd Is prone to drama and over thinking and then you put her in a situation where she was worried her dad would find out this secret?

She becomes hysterical, her dad asks you what she has been texting you so he knows what's going on and you haven't still haven't told him.

I would be really pissed off if Dd was hysterically crying after texting her dad and no one would tell me what was going on. How the hell could I help or fix it?

You and he agreed something and you decided to change your mind and over rule the decision, and still haven't told him.

As for commenting when you don't have children, do people forget we were all children once. Maybe someone can't answer with the perspective of an parent, but they can still have an opinion based on their own experiences. Especially one as considered as the op who commented. You never asked for advice from parents only and posted in aibu. You don't have the right to say who can and can't post.

Fwiw I have a highly intelligent 12 year old who is prone to massively over thinking and panicking. She is definitely NT. She also gets that excited about something she can end up stressed and in years. At 12 she is far better, it took time, work and understanding.

YABU. You created the whole drama and tension and let a child deal with it. There is definitely more to this than you are letting on.

So he sends you a message asking 'What has she just texted you?', and instead of answering, you decide to go and get her because this means he's not handling the situation?

I don't get it.

You knew you'd stuffed up by going against your previous agreement. Why don't you tell him what's happening?

It's not your daughter's fault, it's not your exes fault. If you change the agreement, YOU need to control the situation. And that does NOT include asking your daughter to hide things from her father. No wonder she was distraught.

Don't think your daughter or ex are the problems here...

100% you caused this problem.

OP your comments about other posters have been really unpleasant. You clearly weren't expecting to be told that this was your fault. Maybe think about why people are saying that before being nasty

YABU. You massively screwed up.

Op:AIBU
Everyone:yes, a little bit
Op: your not mothers shut the fuck up
Everyone: hang on a min
Op: fuck off you nasty fuckers

And it's not even 8am