Is it just me?

[Onefourseventwofivenine]

So, DD (9) has been asking to have her ears pierced since she was five. She finally wore me down and I said OK, but not until the beginning of the Christmas break. Since then, she hasn't stopped pushing to bring the date forward, pulling me into shops to look at earrings etc, she literally hasn't stopped. I get the excitement and all, but the stop button really needs to be pressed. So, tonight, I am going to my best friends party and DD is staying at her dads (a very rare occurrence). She is keeping the ear piercing a secret from him, because she is worried he might say no. I get increasingly hysterical texts from her about how her dad might look at her phone and she doesn't want him to in case he sees that she's getting her ears pierced. I then get texts from him, asking what she is sending to me. I give up, leave the party and go pick up my now hysterical nine-year-old from her dads. Apparently, they were watching a movie when she just started crying uncontrollably (she is a major drama queen). I wouldn't have gone but he sent a text saying 'What has she just texted you?' which made me think that he wasn't sitting there trying to calm her down, but had probably decamped to the garden and left her to get on with it. I know I'm not unreasonable to be pissed off with her (and no, she is now most definitely NOT getting her ears pierced) but AIBU to expect a grown man (her father) to deal with the situation? When I was leaving his house, he mouthed 'special' at me. DD does not have special needs; she simply has a tendency to overthink things. Her behaviour tonight was inexcusable, but she knows that.

I can't believe you asked someone why there were on MN if they don't have children.

You sound like a drama queen yourself so I can see where your DD might get it from.

I imagine he meant special in the 'special snowflake' sense. Can't imagine where she gets it from .
And as for your other delightful comments, you can fuck right off.

OP This scenario was entirely of your making.
You should not have told her she could have her ears pierced earlier than the agreed age without talking to her father first.
You should not have told her not to tell her father.
Having done that, however, you should have told him right away but you haven't.

For the record, my credentials are 2 teenage boys, one 10 year old girl and an XH. Good enough for you? My DD will not be getting hers done until the start of the next summer holidays which is the one before she starts secondary. Of course she nagged to bring the date forward but I simply said no and oriented out that nagging was likely to delay the date, not bring it forward.

I'm assuming that, when your ex asked what DD was texting, you explained about the ears? Or did you just expect him to deal with it blind?

Can see where your daughter gets her overreacting from

If you don't have children of your own, why are you on Mumsnet? Why do you feel you are in a position to judge me as a parent, or my ex?

That was a nasty thing to say to Sn0tnose who was very gentle in explaining why she commented.

I don't have children either but I was a child and remember very vividly the injustices of childhood, I also write children's books. Have you ever heard the expression "the onlooker sees most of the game?". Sometimes not having children yourself gives you a more objective perspective. I'm on mumsnet to understand the parental POV.

In this case, I'd have said "dads not going to look at your phone and the ear piercing isn't a secret, I just haven't talked to him about it yet." And also you need to talk to him. You mutually agreed age 12 and now you've changed the boundaries and told your daughter to keep it secret.

She's a sensitive soul clearly to work herself into hysterics over it, but it's not good co-parenting to make her think she needs to keep secrets.

So when your ex texted to ask wtf was going on with your dd why didn't you just text him and tell him?

"Said dd could have ears pierced. Didn't think to tell you. Sorry"

You worry about your daughters lack of empathy? Fuck me, the irony.

Seriously, you left your party to flame the situation when a quick text could have resolved it. Your dd was safe with her father, he just needs to learn to diffuse her anxiety. Had you said " she's probably worked up because she still wants her ears pierced and I suggested maybe Christmas but we'd need to discuss it." he'd have an answer. You dramatically stepping in won't achieve that. Was she happy to stay over with him in the first place or looking for an escape?

By agreeing to let your daughter have her ears pierced without first discussing with your OH you have created a very difficult situation. Now you're planning to tell your daughter she can't after all. Good luck with dealing with that situation. Kids need adults to be honest and reliable and you don't sound either. If I were your OH I'd hit the roof over the 'don't tell daddy' issue as well, and you're going to have to tell him about that too, to be fair to your daughter.

Oh, and I'm one of those childless people who shouldn't be on Mumsnet in your opinion.

You shouldn't have promised her earrings without speaking to her Dad (as you had previously agreed the age of 12). How would you feel if the situation was reverersed? It is disrespectful and demeaning. Encouraging your DD to keep secrets, allowing her to have a phone effectively hidden from her Dad, going to pick her up as she gets upset -do you have no respect for him as a parent? If I was him I would be furious with you.

It sounds like decamping to the garden and ignoring the hysterics rather than giving them the fuel of attention might have been the best thing to do here!

Have you ever heard the expression "the onlooker sees most of the game?". Sometimes not having children yourself gives you a more objective perspective.

I really don't agree with this!
It sounds naive and judgy and, whilst I value opinions from friends/family with and without children, I think that those who've been through similar experiences will understand better.
I wouldn't be naive / arrogant enough to give advice to parents of teenagers as I've never had teenage kids and although I was once a teenager I can't even pretend to empathise with the mother of one.

But also OP I wouldn't ask a bunch of AIBU strangers a question about my parenting as you'll not get pleasant responses whether they are off other parents or not.

I will be surprised if OP comes back.

It was her first post too.

I was coming to give advice until I saw the OPs snippy comment up thread. All I can say really now is that she's clearly a shit parent so I'm not going to waste my time.

You created the situation by asking her to keep it from her dad.
You inflamed the situation by texting your daughter and increasing her anxiety.
Then you topped it off by picking her up instead of responding to your ex's texts.
Going by yesterday's behaviour and your flouncing and rudeness on here this morning, I'd say your DD gets her drama queen tendencies from you, and that you need to grow up and start acting like the adult.

Totally what the pp said is applicable to lots of situations and I think you have put a rather different spin on it. When we are involved with/close to a situation the details can get in the way of seeing clearly what the actual issue is and what can be done to fix things.

OP - fwiw I think you have issues with your ex and don't want to involve him, especially when you know deep down you have messed up in a parenting decision. A bit like your responses on this thread: you don't want to be answerable to anyone else and say you made a mistake.

You fed your child's anxiety and need to detach when she is doing this kind of thing and not engage and feed the drama. I'm guessing it was easier to say she could have her ears pierced around Christmas and stop the constant badgering than be really firm and deal with fallout from that. Unfortunately, you've learned that that just created other issues.

But hey, what do I know?

Yes. It's just you.

HTH.

Wow, and here was me going to offer a touch of advice on the piercing front, but I see your upset child has lost the right to a treat you already promised.

I'm also not a parent, I am however a nanny and training to be a teacher, but I guess I don't know anything about kids right?

She didn't do anything wrong apart from become upset, do you want your child to think emotions are wrong? No. I didn't think so. When you do take her to get her ears pieced, please go to a proper piercing parlour where they use a needle and please follow their cleaning advice, don't get it done with a gun at some jewellers or gods forbid Claire's.

Oh God, this reminds me of me. My mother said I had to wait until I was 12 to get my ears pierced and I badgered her relentlessly from the age of 10 onwards. Tears, pleading, the works. It was all I could think or talk about, and I couldn't understand why I had to wait so long. I can still remember how utterly desperate and obsessed I was, and how arbitrary and unfair my mother's timeline seemed to be.

I didn't turn out to have any special needs that anyone was aware of. Children have a huge capacity to get preoccupied with things.

At that age I would also have been very anxious about having to keep a secret from my other parent. When you're a child you have a crazy imagination and there seems no limit to what the repercussions might be of being 'found out' for something.

Dad sounds quite childish in this situation, though. I wouldn't be best pleased.

I am in agreement with those why say you fucked up here rather than your ex. You created a situation where your dd was getting anxious by asking her to keep something that was momentous (to her) secret. Then you compounded that with all the texting. The moment you could see where this was going with her and the ex texting you you should have given him a call and explained so he could have a chance to deal with the situation. Instead you expect him to deal with something he knows nothing about! Then you turn up and take dd away so he doesn't have a chance to deal with it all. And now you're pissed off with him for not 'dealing with the situation'? How was he ever supposed to deal with this situation you created in the first place?!

what the pp said is applicable to lots of situations and I think you have put a rather different spin on it. When we are involved with/close to a situation the details can get in the way of seeing clearly what the actual issue is and what can be done to fix things.

That may be true in RL in some situations but not on MN. However, I still feel that someone with no RL experience of a situation isn't best placed to offer perspective though.

And I didn't put a spin on that phrase- the pp did by using it in response to the op.

I have a DS with an Ex and in the 10 years we've been apart I've never asked him to hide anything or keep secrets from his Dad. nor would I. It's batshit and slightly cruel. So YABU for doing that and thinking it was an acceptable thing to put on a 9 year olds shoulders, especially when you know she has form for worrying about things.

As to getting your DDs ears pierced, why did you cave when you'd already spoken to your Ex about a suitable age? If you previously agreed to 12, you don't really have the right to go "oh alright then, we'll do it at 9" because, frankly, that's his child too. I wouldn't pierce DS1's ears without his Dad's say so. We communicate and work out what's appropriate and suitable and sometimes we compromise because that's how you parent as a team.

You and he sound as though you're point-scoring through your DD. You sent her there hyped up about something he had no idea about but expected him to deal with it. And now you're pissed off at your DD for being upset when you specifically told her to keep a secret. All point-scoring. That is a worrying thing for a child to grow up around.