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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re 14 to did at home alone with boyfriend?

83 replies

NoonarAgain · 01/09/2016 21:42

Dd is 14 and is very sensible and old fashioned almost re sex, alcohol, smoking etc. She has a boyfriend of nearly 15. Dd is very physically mature. She wants me to allow BF to come over while I am at work tomorrow and is giving me the 'you don't trust me' spiel.

Aibu to say that he is welcome but only when we are home?

Also, she does go to his house and I have no way of knowing who is there.

I do trust her, actually, but it would seem negligent almost not to supervise them to some extent.

I've told her that it might not always be a 'no' but that I need to have time to think and talk to dh, which I can't go by the morning.
Aibu?

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoonarAgain · 01/09/2016 21:44

Oh great, typo in thread title! '14 yo Dd'

OP posts:
Sootica · 01/09/2016 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ethelb · 01/09/2016 21:46

I think its fine and means they learn to take some responsibility for their behaviour.

Disclaimer: I have no children

Fairylea · 01/09/2016 21:48

I wouldn't let them be in the house alone, no.

(My dd is 13).

RhiWrites · 01/09/2016 21:48

Well she's in a relationship, she's sensible, she's not sexually active. What are you worried might happen? What do you think will actually happen?

I think that gradual relaxing of boundaries and rules is important as a teenager grows up. If she's not allowed to be alone with her boyfriend now when do you imagine that rule might relax?

And finally, might it not be better to relax now when their relationship isn't physical than later when it could be seen as license for it to become physical? I'd encourage them to spend time together as friends in a safe space now rather than make such time forbidden fruit.

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 21:48

I am not sure what I would do.

I would be thinking if they were up to no good they would do it anywhere, so not being at home wouldn't stop them. Also she sounds pretty sensible.

What's the boy like?
Any chance you can pop home unannounced?

ConvincingLiar · 01/09/2016 21:49

But if she wants to have sex she'll find a way, probably by doing it somewhere risky and lying to you.

NoahVale · 01/09/2016 21:51

yabu,
where there is a will, there is a way

Meadows76 · 01/09/2016 21:56

What is the problem with her having her boyfriend over?

Pardonwhat · 01/09/2016 21:59

If they are after being 'physical' (I'm presuming that's your worry?) then they will do so whether under your roof or not. Personally I'd rather the safety and comfort of my home.
She's sensible - you said it yourself.

Original poster
NoonarAgain · 01/09/2016 21:59

Thanks all. He is really nice and very respectful and kind towards her, but I suspect ( with some evidence) that he is more up for it than her. However, I think he understands and respects her boundaries.

I just somehow feel it might be inherently neglectful, and feel like I need a parenting manual on the subject ( largely due to remembering my 14 yo self!)

OP posts:
booellesmum · 01/09/2016 22:02

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with him coming over. If they are going to have sex and it's not at your house they will find somewhere else. If your DD is normally sensible I would trust her on this.

bearleftmonkeyright · 01/09/2016 22:02

It's tough, I have a 14 yo DD myself and she has had boyfriends. But I think you should let her have the boy round. I think 14 is a good age to start relaxing the boundaries a bit.

Liiinoo · 01/09/2016 22:09

I am the mum of two 20 something DDs. No way would I have left them home alone with BFs at 14.

Your instincts are telling you this isn't right for her. Listen to those instincts. Trust your judgement. You are the adult here, you know more and have experienced more than a 14 year old girl and sometimes that means you will make unpopular decisions.

Original poster
NoonarAgain · 01/09/2016 22:13

Im dripfeeding, sorry. Months ago There was a sexting type incident involving this boy, with another girl- He encourAged her to send a pic.

Dd was going out with him previously. then she dumped him. then the incident occurred, after they split up. now she is back with him, some months later.

He totAlly knows where he stands with Dd, who is very vocal about her boundaries. My gut feeling is that he's a good kid who made a mistake.

Dh is not so forgiving and wants to be really strict. However, I can be persuasive if I need to be, regarding trusting Dd. Dh has taken an 'on your head be it ' attitude with me regarding her going round to his house.

I'm aware that I probably sound nuts wanting to give this boy a chance, but I do think he adores Dd and seems very gentle and caring.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoonarAgain · 01/09/2016 22:15

Liinoo, maybe you're right. I may be being terribly naive.

I'm going to stick with 'no', despite what I said above.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 01/09/2016 22:16

You could always let him come over, but make it known that you are going to FaceTime or Skype (something where you can see them) a certain number of times during the session at unscheduled intervals, and if the calls are not picked up immediately it will not be happening again. Then you can assess how guilty and rumpled they look each time.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 01/09/2016 22:16

Maybe say yeah that's fine and you will pop home at some point to have a quick lunch....

BaggyCheeks · 01/09/2016 22:17

YANBU. You don't need to be sticking your head in constantly, but there's no harm in vague supervision that comes with you simply being in the same building/not allowing doors to be closed while he's there. You being there also gives her a good "out" for if she ever needs it.

NoahVale · 01/09/2016 22:17

it is difficult isnt it.
you dont want to appear neglectful, you dont want to be neglectful. you dont want her to not be able to say No.
Have a conversation with her to find out whether she really wants to be alone in the house with him? or would prefer that you say no.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2016 22:23

christ, no

yeOldeTrout · 01/09/2016 22:23

Him being gentle & caring doesn't mean they don't both have raging hormones. It's not about whether you trust them, it's whether they can know themselves yet.

serin · 01/09/2016 22:27

I personally wouldn't have allowed this but you know your daughter.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2016 22:32

My 14 year old DD wouldn't be allowed a BF, so it would be a no from me.

Thingvellir · 01/09/2016 22:34

For me it would be a no - regardless of trust or otherwise in your DD they are 14 and it is completely ok for you to say no on this basis. I dont think saying no to this means you dont trust her or him, it means you think they are not old enough at 14 to have that level of alone time in private. When I was 14, friends who were physical with their BFs were the ones who had opportunity like this to be home alone together for periods of time with no adults present.

My DC are not teens yet though...

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